No More Dreaming , Time To Build.

[misko55]

64 most fascinating questions you could ask yourself?? Great! Just the video I needed , he said ironically!

I can add even more , for me , this video reminded me of my thought about , how the fuck can we divide a day into 24 EQUAL hours. Why is Earth so mathematically correct? Why do we have 24 hours of 60 minutes each , why 60?? Why is it a round number , why not 53 minutes , why not 23 or 25 hours in a day. Why not 15 hours of 60 minutes and 9 hours of 59 minutes. Ahhh , when I put it here on the white , my thoughts look insane.

I thought following Leo and learning about myself is going to GIVE me answers , but all it GIVES is just more damn question. I mean , I do see a difference. Tomorrow is my birthday and since 2010 when I got depressed I stopped celebrating them. Every birthday after that I was like "Great... I´m still here , fuck..." I didn't just mean , damn , I´m still alive and I wish I wasn't , but I was still HERE psychologically ,nothing changed.

And this one , tomorrow , is different , I told people , I will celebrate it , as a matter of fact , I will celebrate it by going to a dinner with Silvia. And this was the best year I had. My last birthday was standard. No one knew , I was depressed , I was quite fat , spend the day eating bad food ,sweets , played some War Thunder and watched series. And now? People I just meet know that I have a birthday , I am stable ,I´m no longer depressed ,not really happy (but what is happiness?) I´m content , I have abs (I used to avoid going to beach , this year I spend it on the beach) ,I eat cooked and healthy (and even when I try to eat badly I feel sick after it , so what is the point) ,today is, I think, a month since I uninstalled video games  and,this time around I don´t really miss them and what good series are playing now?? No idea!.

And yet... I want more. And I´m still hungry for more , something to fulfill me. When I was going to that job , everyday I would wonder: "How do people do this?". And now I know. It´s easy to point your finger and say... there , that is the problem and I can´t solve it because , this is the way the things are. Isn´t that just what our teachers and parents tell us when they complain about their jobs. It is the way the world works!?! You are young , you will get used to it!

But it is not , it´s just that freedom ,you know that word ,´merica has monopoly on it (fuck yeah!!!) ,has been distorted by all the bloody Hollywood movies. What freedom is , is 90% responsibility , if not even 100%. And having a job and a faulty sociaty is like , well I don´t have a choice , it´s not my fault ,my unhappiness is not my responsibility. It´s easier to put a blame on something else.

I wonder do I want to be happy , I really do wonder that. Like... I really like my "noire" thoughts.I got this realization just this friday when Silvia opened up about herself and her fears and I instinctively tried to cut her from talking and one up her. I didn´t , I listened to her and did shair some stuff about me , but not in a way I usually do. When people talk about their bad experiences I try to one up them , like my was worse , there were times where I would exaggerate.

Like I pride myself in being a fuck up , that is why I used word "noire" since I like to feel like those run down , ragtag ,down on their luck , but incredibly smart ,detectives form 1950/60 movies.

And the best for last , as just yesterday I was thinking about this and thought crossed my mind. "Daniel , are you indoctrinated?? Are you really sure that you are not indoctrinated? Like isn´t watching Leo´s videos a way of indoctrination? If there is a parallel universe , is there somewhere a Daniel that fuckes everything that walks , hates blacks , is the first to show up for an anti-refugee demonstration and when someone says personal development , he says "GAAAAYYY" And Leo just mentioned that today. Coincidence? Hmmm

Did I ever had a choice?? In anything?

[misko55]

This moment I am desperately grasping
holding it with both hands , like madman laughing
but then I realise , I never lived it and never had it
and it will never come back
so i turn my head in shame
slowly crying
as that moment
haunts me again

The beauty in your eyes
the light of a million stars
when you smile
something inside of me dies
Dies because I will never live this again
I want to be in this moment forever
with you, detain

I try to capture it
with pictures ,with words
but I only get a bit
the memories 
the memories fade away
as the time pass
it was just a moment
never meant to last

The words fail me
time and time again
they are no longer from the heart
they are coming from the brain
But the brain doesn´t know
the brain just doesn´t understand
what made that moment special
was feelings and a fear of pain

The pain
that one that was in love once
can understand
when the power to fuck up our day
to someone special
we foolishly and gladly
give away

But it is the human nature
nothing we can do
we never had a choice
we never stood a chance
me and you

And it slowly comes to it´s end
to say goodbye ,to you ,my friend
life is nothing but a song that plays
and when it ends
the Earth doesn´t care
it happily continues to spin away
it spinned long before we were born
and it will spin long after we are dead

And no songs ,no movies ,no Instagram or facebook statues
no poets ,no bards, no painters ,no acters
could give that moment
the justice it deserves
my friend , you have one life
enjoy it
there are no returns

Edited September 7, 2016 by misko55

[misko55]

Life writes amazing stories , happy stories , sad stories , sometimes mysterious stories , but amazing nevertheless...

Just one more day before the last day on the job and I decided I will use this Couch Surfer website for the first time and just contact the first person I see, As we hugged for the goodbye yesterday ,that was the moment that crossed my mind ,as she entered my life so quietly and so randomly.

It could of been anybody, it could of been a very bad experience that would make me doubt anything and everything I believe in. But it was her , with her damn smile ,positivity and broken English and damn her all to hell for making me miss her now.

It is the moments like this that make life worth living , this bittersweet moments , that make you feel alive and letting go and not hanging on , is unfortunately , the only way to honor this moments properly.

From all of the self-development that I did , this month and a half was the best , where I learned the most and I probably needed that hug more then I am willing to admit.

Maybe it sounds a little bit pathetic , but that is the point , I don´t care , it´s my journal , it is my life and it´is my feelings , I own them all.

It is moments like this that I see progress , where I used to be depressed , where nothing of this would happen and where I would hang to a moment ,latching it with both hands until I would destroy it , ruin it , I realized how far I have come. I may not be enlightened , I may skip a meditation here and there and I´ve got a lots and lots of work still to do , but:

I   L O V E   L I F E ! ! !

I fucking love it!!! And I am so grateful for all the experiences that I was given and for all the amazing people that I have had honor and pleasure to meet and be part of their life , for at least a moment , this wonderful , inspirational people.

People just like Silvia and how words allude me to describe her , Stefano that is buying me beer tonight so that this moment goes easier , Olivia that made a bit of fun of me how sweet it is how much I care for Silvia and let me crash last night at her place as there were no more buses home for me and this are just the people I meet recently.

How fucking lucky I am to meet them , in this world of mediocrity and greed , I shared some quality time with some quality people.

She entered my life so quietly and so randomly as I was on a turning point and exited with a bang making me a better and a stronger man in the process , thank you Principessa.

I am really lucky  

 

 

[misko55]

Long time no writing , well that is not true , I did write , just not here.

I took my backpacking trip and went to Berlin to meet with Lisette , a Chinese girl that contacted me. And it was , well , interesting.

It was the best defeat I ever had , yeah. Because it was great , I just bought a one way ticket and had no plan. For the first day I had no idea what to do or what to see , I realized I actually need other people to tell me what they want to see and me to go and find it , it is what I love to do , I love finding stuff , but on my own , I guess the sociaty got to me and without a plan or direction of going I had no idea what I was doing or suppose to do.

I slept twice at the train station , first time after trying to sleep in the park , I stole toilet paper from KFZ , just in case , rode without a ticket in bus ,tram , S-bahn , U-bahn , charged my phone on the airport , it was definitely an interesting experience. I did meet Lisette in the end and showed her around Berlin , had a great time , learned a lot about myself and then went hitchhiking for the first time.

First hitchhike was great until Kassel and then I couldn't stop a single car in two hours and decided , all tired , to go back to Leipzig and finally sleep for a night. I did used Couch Surfer and did manage to find a host for at least a one night and it was great , meeting new people , both my host and Timo , the driver that picked us up.

But all good things come to an end and as I returned home and started planing to meet with Lisetta and Thilbaut in Munchen and continue the trip I got mail from my health insurance and I guess deciding that you don't like this system , does not make it go away.

Tomorrow I am going to an employment agency to report and I looked at some jobs that are offered and , my stomach started swirling and my mood dropped like a hockey puck.I am currently writing about my story and I hope to sell it , hope that I can make some money that way ,also , meet a guy that offered me a job , he works form anywhere in the world , from his laptop. He is traveling and sustaining himself ,I am weary about it , sounds to good to be true , with passive income and it all , but I will get in contact with him , because , this job's , their description , just reading them , I want to buy a gun , a bullet and shoot myself.

I also watched stand-up act yesterday and my whole life , I run in circles , but they are the same circles. I want to be a writer , in a band , a tourist animator , stand-up comedian , a blogger , a video creator. I need to pick one and go for it , because , all this jobs are creative and just an hour ago I was happy and then I went to employment agencies website to see what I can expect and now I want to cry.

I cannot do it , I cannot hold an office job , I cannot watch my life slowly slip away , I have to fight , this thing I am writing , this travel article , this is my shot , I still need a job now , to get money and buy myself time , but it is now or never.

It is an up hill battle not helped by the fact that I miss Silvia like crazy , two weeks and I still live in the past , thinking about the time spend with her , shit , got to pull myself back to now! At least during my travel I was in the now , but now , I get sidetracked to thinking about her and thinking like "fuck it is almost a month since we went to the lake and had a great day".And then I even get bored , despite the fact I have so much to do.

But it was a great two months , I meet great new people , new friends , meet Silvia , made some of my dreams a realty , went out of my comfort zone , worked so much on myself and for couple of moments I was IN the moment , I was genuinely happy for a prolonged time like never before but money is running dry and we still live in the crazy ,unhappy world and after tasting all of this , there is no way I can go back and the battle of my life is about to commence.

I hope I am ready.

[misko55]

So I went to the employment agency and of course I forgot some document , so now I need to get that one and then report.

I also hosted Leon , an american guy travelling through Europe looking for collages , it was a nice experience. You can meet a lot of new interesting people this way and tonight I will be also hosting someone. It wasn't my plan to do so , but he couldn't find a place to sleep and I do remember my two nights at a train station , accepted to host him. And also tomorrow I will meet with some Austrian girl from CS to show her the city , it kinda feels like trying to replace Silvia with her , at least I am aware of some of my behavior. Especially my overthinking and my bloody sentiment as today is a month since that great day at the lake.

I kinda have a fight with myself right now , I'm procrastinating a lot , diverting my attention from more important matters , fighting not to eat badly again and today , for the first time since I quit , I wanted to play video games. But I will endure it.

It is a bad spell , coming after having a great spell , which means , a great spell is just around the corner , just like the next bad spell , it is the life.

Well , baby steps , in the moments like this , I can see my advancement , slow but steady as I am at least able to be aware of my self.

[misko55]

It was a long week! I did all of the bloody bureaucracy for my unemployment status, but hey , now I am at least getting enough money from the state that I do not have to worry about roof over my head or food and I dealt with my health insurrance , which is always good , since we can never know what can happen.

I contacted my parents to convey that message to them so they do not worry and told them that I am generally happy and that is the true , to a degree.

I am happy , I have learned a lot , I do German every day , I read a book in that damn language and I dealt with all of the bureaucracy on my own , also I finally have a social life I always wanted and that has made me very happy ,since , this are all very ,very great people that I have surrounded myself with. I have a language tandem with Gina , the girl I meet when I went to the lake with Silvia earlier this year and we made a nice little tradition of not only practicing German (for me) and English (for her) in a stress free environment but we always cook something interesting during the process , who would of guessed that cooking could be fun? Not me!

I have also learned a lot of new songs on my guitar , I am also teaching couple of people how to play it and I learned new techniques as well and have writen a story about my backpacking that I will try to sell in a few days online. And regarding writing , I attended stand-up and open mics here in Leipzig , in english and I am preping myself to try myself in it , I always wanted to.

Doing stuff on my plans , I have a couple of ideas for a business that could sustain myself without working for somebody else.

Sounds really good , doesn´t it? And all of my favorite TV series are starting now and are about to start and I have no interest in them. None what so ever , I only watch Brooklyn 99 , since , it really is funny and good , but all the rest , I am not even tempted.

And this is where the problem comes in. I´ve been pushing myself out of my comfort zone for about 3-4 months and I have been running around full speed and the fatigue is catching up with me. Alongside with all that , I have spend a lot of time perfecting some of my skills and now after months of doing it regularly , I am getting bored.And I am a summer person , my energy always lowers itself when the skies turn grey and temperature low and water starts to fall from the sky ,also known as rain. No longer can I go for those much needed walks around the lake or a quick swim in it , that kept my energy controlled.

After 2 months of not playing video games , my cravings for it have come back and I have battled it for a week or two , but now I am losing as I am downloading a game as I write this. I may not play it , I hope , as I do remember that majority of my time playing games wasn't really "happy times" as much as killing time and a distraction.Last time I folded I played games for two weeks before quitting again , maybe I just need to remind myself why I stopped.

I am more annoyed with myself then worried , I am actually not worried , I know that with all of the positive things happening , I will not be glued to a monitor , I am very excited about everything I am doing ,but I guess after a hectic summer like this , I need a little break.

I want to be this awesome self-developed person without a single bad thing , but I guess , right now , I am concentrating too much on this one negative aspect of my life and giving it to much of a attention. So lets concetrate that my next update here is: "I sold an article!!!" or "I did an open mic!"

But man I miss that quick swim in a lake , it was awesome.

[misko55]

And I kicked it , my biggest addiction of the past 2 years War Thunder lasted 2 days on my PC before I recalled all of the time "invested" or better put wested into the game so I uninstalled it at with World of Warships , it looked it would stay , but then some asshole team damaged my ship and I returned the favor and realized... I don´t want to be like that idiot , so thanks to him I uninstalled it as well.

I had a huge addiction on Football manager , lasting 4 years and crippling me heavily , that was the time period I got fat and depressed. But I kicked it with switching to those browser games , playing some football manager there unitl I got bored and never came back to the game , so I have decided to do the same with gaming as I play a browser game , it is not really playing , it is just trying to scam you out of money , which I do not have , so problem solved , worked once , it will work again.

And while I am on the subject of worked once , it will work again , I am using the same tactics I used to kick McDonalds and Coca-Cola from my life , with sweets. I can eat sweets only if I have guests or I am offered. But I will not be buying them , only sugar I will be getting, is from fruits!

Aside from that , gaming did what gaming does best , I procrastinated this few days , but now I am slowly starting up again. I guess I needed a brake. Had it , didn't like it , let´s get back to work.

And work , yes , the thing that triggered me back to playing games , since that is my escape from the harsh realities of this fucked up system we are living in. I am now trying to get a job. And this job is shit , it is in a casino and the job is to be a waiter. But it has a big , big thing going for it that I want it. It is a night shift , and I love those! It gives me the whole day , of course , I would have to sacrifice sleep , but I don´t mind it. Also , I am a night person! It would give me opportunity to take German classes during the day , still have a social life , work on my open mics and other projects and since it is a night shift , you get more money for it. With this job in 3 monhs I could double what I manage to save in a year , in a YEAR! And doing it for 6 months would triple it , giving me money to invest in myself. This is the best paycheck I will get for this shitty job.

If you do this job during the day , money is terrible and there is a lot of work , but during nights , there is not much to do , it is more relaxed , higher chances of getting tips and better pay. Of course , there will be drunk assholes , but I can take care of that , I have experience.

And after quitting the job , in Germany , you get 60% of what you earned on Arbeitslosgeld I , which is easier to get then II , but I had to apply for the second one , since my earnings was 450€ , so that makes 280€ with which I cannot live , but this job would pay 1700€ and with 60% of that , not only that I can live , I can save money and do nothing but concetrate to get that passive income coming with taking no risk.

So yeah , all of a sudden , I want this crappy job!

 

 

[misko55]

Well ,again there are no games on this PC and I am getting more proactive , but I still look for distractions. Why now? Well , as I applied to a job agency ,they have showered me with paper work and shitty jobs and that one , the one that I wanted in the night shift, I cannot reach them by phone. They want people to apply exclusively by phone.

My depression is back as I have a hard time to concentrate on my projects. And the reason why is simple but hard to admit. I am scared. This job thing is like a gun pointed to my head , that is how it feels , and I would rather have a gun point to my head for real then this. With a gun , if the trigger gets triggered , that is it , it is over , no more pain , just nothingness. I am okay with that.

Getting a job is like dying to me , every aspect of dying, except for physical dying, is there. Just re-reding the beginning of this journal , it was just me , complaining about my job and stating how much I hate it and then I quitted and I was happy. And now , we are back here , I am trying to build up some kind of passive income , but it takes time and time is draining my money reserves and here we are. Fuck!

And I can´t use distractions , I used games to distract myself from this shitty system and shit it throws at us  , but now I can´t use it since I tasted the real life and I loved it! Games are boring and repetitive and so are the TV series and most of the movies as well. And life... life is awesome!! 

I don´t want to give that up , don´t want to give up on my dreams , don´t want to give my most valuable resource -time- for some paper shit and some digits on some computer screen.I don´t need a bucket load of money , I just want a roof over my head , food and a lake near by , freedom ,way to express myself and contribute to the humanity in a more meaningful way.

Job scares the living shit out of me. The pain of wasting your time on shit you don´t care about for an asshole who things you should worship him/her like a diety for giving you an opportunity to exchange your lifes time for bearly enough money and don´t get me started on the excruciating pain on not living your dreams and your potential and next level of depression that comes with every fucking birthday that reminds you , that you just lost a year and you haven´t move an inch forward. And that is all still nothing comparing to just giving up , giving to the system. When you are basically dead , just waiting for it to become official.

Fuck this shit , sometimes I really wish for an asteroid to hit us , I think we deserve that , and restart everything.

Just look at the US presidential race. One person has actually said that it better to vote for Hillary as she is a cookie with 10 raisins inside , you just need to eat 10 of them , while Trump is nothing but raisins.Shouldn't we have an option to go for a chocolate chip cookie? Well , I guess Sanders was to progressive for an average brainwashed American and now the rest of the world will suffer alongside them.

And the fact that will be actually voting against the other candidate by giving the vote to the other is why we can´t have nice things.

Yup , I didn´t even got a job and I am already in my "happy mood"... ah well...

[misko55]

Doing pretty good , still quite professionally avoiding to get employed.

I made some plans , what would it take and in which direction to go , to become a freelancer. I put it all on the wall (it looks like from TV series when a rogue detective still tries to solve a case that he is no longer suppose to work on). I call it "the wall of dreams". It is put by a watch , when I wake up I always look at it and now I see my dreams in a written form and that motivates me to work.

I try to write for at least 30 min every day and work on the fine details about my plan for at least 30 mins , but of course I often do more , it is just for those lazy Sunday afternoons , to get my ass to do something , at least 30 mins.

Along side that , I am looking into on-line marketing job freelancing , to get some serious cash while I build my dreams. As long as I don´t have to go on certain days , to a certain place on certain hours , I will be more than contend , despite the fact that I hate marketing.

On more personal notes , I made lasagna , well I didn't do them alone but with Gina my language tandem partner , it is a little tradition to cook something. I helped her with writing an application for erasmus to US. So that was cool. And I went to a Street food festival with Marilena , but aside from that , I dropped my social life , I am happy with how it is right now. 

It was the best summer but now it is time to make sure that all of the next summer's are great , Springs , Autnoms and Winters as well! And the way to do it is by staying away from rat race and that prison we call work.

The only problem I had this days was some desperate guy that wanted to hang out with me , just sending messages despite the fact that at one point I started to ignore them , he just gives me a funny feeling in a bad way. He is boring as hell and for the love of god I cannot figure why he wants to hang out so desperately , since I do not want to repeat the experience. Is this how women feel when they are chased by some stubborn needy guy?? Jokes aside , he pisses me off , every day sending messages " We should hang out" , "lets do this , lets do that..." , Ican´t even accept Facebook events from people because he immediately contacts me to say he will be there. The fuck is that??I started to wonder if he is gay or something , not that I have anything against them , but he knows I am straight and I just don´t get his behavior?? 26 years of experience of being a guy and having guys as friends I never encountered this aside from inexperienced men trying to get girls.

Oh well , I guess , if that was the only problem I had this past few days , I have nothing to complain about , some people don´t have money for food , I just have some wacko who wants to be my friend.

But , my article about my failed hitchhiking trip is finished , I edited it and now search the internet to find to whom I could sell it to and my friends have volunteered to read it before I start to pitch it.I feel excited about it , it might fail , it might me garbage , but I wrote it and with that in mind , I am moving forward , slow and steady , but forward.

And , your learn from mistakes , so if I make some , what is the worst that can happen?? I will use them to improve and learn , I know that I don´t know as much as I thought I knew and I know that my opinions are just that , my opinions , possibly not true. So with that mentality , I think I am ready to at least start this journey!

[misko55]

Being mindful of your own behavior is a funny thing. It helps you to better know yourself and shows you some of the triggers in your life.

Now as someone who was depressed for years and finally seeing the end of the fight , I have one big trigger that gets me back every time. The system , jobs , bureaucracy. How do you fight that?!?

So this morning I got of to a good start , finding and registering for some of the websites for freelancers and I put my first bid on a novice writing job to get me started. My days are spent writing , planning and learning about writing and I love it! Some of this exercises in creative writing that I do , I got lost in them , for hours , just writing and all I want is to put them on-line for people to read.

So I went from this very happy and motivated place to hating my life. What happend?

Well , bureaucracy! Tomorrow I have a meeting at employment agency about my request for unemployed monetary support. And that meant I had to do a lot of paperwork and boom! , just like that I was back to watching meaningless youtube videos , playing some flash on-line games and doing everything and anything, just not to be doing what I had to do and feeling like a shit in the process!

How do you fight something so big like the system , how do you fight it in a world where 80% of the people hate what they do , but do nothing about it! How to fight it to end up victorious. Job , work , system , tell me this words and watch my mood fall , how to fight it? Become a nomad and travel? You still need visas for bunch of the places in this world so we can cross the imaginary lines on the maps that we drew.

And just like that I feel down and misenchanted ,just like that I curse the fact I got born into this shitty world and just this morning it was awesome world. 

Everybody knows the Algerian prince scam but the most famous scam in the world is still going strong. Earn for a living scam.Slavers from 18 and 19 centuries are looking up on this from hell and hitting themselves in the heads... "ahhh , of course , it was so simple , give them the illusion of freedom... ahhh , why didn´t I come up with that , it´s so obvious".

Life is a funny thing , if I came earlier today , just couple of hours earlier , I would write about rainbows and butterflies.

[misko55]

You go look at that cat , you are not emotional - my mother said to me. It was around 2004-2006 , can´t remember the year , but I do remember being proud of that sentence as I went outside to look at some cat that dropped from the roof and was slowly bleeding out by the building. She wanted me to check out if the cat is dead , if it is not , then she would call the people that take care of animals. 

I was proud of that , my own mother thinking that I don´t have emotions. I got there , emotions are a weakness and I went all in to be as emotionless as possible.

Today I watched the Dead poets society ,a movie that just a year ago wouldn´t interested me. I knew that someone dies and that it has a somber tone, but I had no interest in it , it is not a war movie or a comedy. I have never felt so many emotions during a movie , with great acting and message from the late Robin Williams.So many scenes I recognized from my life ,emotions , I smiled during the beginning of the movie and almost cried at the end of it.

I wanted to watch it since I am trying to be a writer , I have been writing everyday for the past couple of months. I don´t write about it here , but I am bidding for freelance writers jobs (and not getting them) , I am learning about writing , entering writing competitions and watching movies about writing or creativity and this one popped in my head today and I am not sorry that it did.

Great movie , I would like to say that I wish I seen it sooner , but I know now that I wouldn't get it then. Who I was no longer is who I am and who I am about to be.

A year ago I was the guy who plays the guitar and is going to live in Germany , as I gave people the answer to the question what I do. 6 months ago I was a student that speaks 3 languages and plays the guitar.A month ago , I would say "I exist , I am an exister". And from the last week I call myself -an expert beginner ,competent survivor and a hopeless dreamer- Somehow people react quit well to it.

There is so much to say , but I just wanted to capture this moment after I have watched the movie and now I will return to my writings.They are my passion ,my joy and I have fallen in love with the written word , with the subtle difference between them , the emotions and pictures they carry and the power that sometimes scares me.

Tomorrow I might be back to complaining about this society or a job I will have to take , but everyday , little by little , I love myself some more and after years of hating myself and punishing myself for not being like the others, for not being what the system wants me to be , for never finding a joy in a meaningless work , I now realize , I am not the only one and there is nothing inherently wrong with me or people like me.

And today , I am an expert beginner , competent survivor , hopeless dreamer , great musician and ... and a writer.

But I still got to figure out how to avoid cliches.  Have a good one all of you lost souls out there!

[misko55]

Totally unresponsive and wasted a whole day. Tomorrow I need to go to my old place because I need them to sign some papers so I could get my money. I don´t have to go , but I have been postponing it for 3 weeks now.

But I need to do ,since today is not the first day I wasted like this because of that reason and everytime I would say , I´ll do it tomorrow and then waste several days because of my anxiety to do this.

Damn , I hate that place  and even 3 months after quitting ,it can still fuck up my day...

 

[misko55]

Weird day , yesterday after writing here I went to bed and realized that throughout the day I had anxiety attacks and right as I went to sleep I had a full panic attack to the point that I got back up and finish my essay that I am writing for a writing contest.

I didn't go to my work place as I slept through my alarms and my brain got the idea to contact a friend from work if he could take the paper there on Monday and bring it back.

It was a weird day as at first I started writing a short story ,planning around 10 000 words , did 1000 today and it is about a guy that hates his job , has anxiety attacks and insomnia and ends up collapsing and entering coma. After coming back he doesn't remember anything and he is spending time with his physiatrist discovering what lead to that , spoiler alert , I didn't come to writing that up , but that physiatrist is his own imagination ,a character he wrote in elementary school before giving up on his dreams and falling to peer pressure. And it is all happening as he is in coma ,he is confronting himself.

You got to start somewhere and it is easier to write about stuff then you know something about or have experienced. I wasn't in come but there is a battle going inside me.

And then I went into nice little depression of I can´t do this , it is not good enough , I wish I never saw Leo´s videos and just stayed at my safe job and how I planned this badly that I am like an animal that escaped from the cage and thought he was free but he was still in the Zoo (the system).

After a very hard and restless meditation , I wrote my material for open-mic , a poem combined with a bit of stand up elements and now I am back to being fine.

I can´t break into freelance writing since I don't have experience and I can´t have a blog the way I want it since it cost money monthly and I don´t have a job! No problem! I will use facebook to learn ,fail ,test ,as I have a project. A project to every Saturday put a picture of Leipzig and write some history about it , like a travel blog and just learn while doing. Instead of waiting to learn how to photoshop a picture and then post , I will be posting and learning in the same time. It will be an interesting timeline at least.

I don´t have the money to travel and have the equipment I want to make YouTube videos! Nevermind I will do low quality , great content chanel and grow it as a hobby.I am now doing my research and hopefully in a month's time , I will make something and if I am meant to fail before I succeed ,so be it.

So let´s what am I made of , it´s not like I got to lose something , I have nothing and I am going in the circles ever since I quitted my job.

Ha , I just wonder in what kind of mood I will be tomorrow. Wednesday happy , Thursday optimistic , Friday depression and pulling out of it ... this shit is hard.

[misko55]

So , in Germany if you quit your job without a good valid reason , you can pay up to a 3 month monthly fine of 100 and something Euros. I didn't know that as I was writing today about my reasoning for quitting that job.

I recon that writing down "I didn´t like it" or "It was boring" are not valid reasons.But I did write the truth about it giving me depression and anxiety attacks and now it is up to the "Normalizers". Yeah , it is a little nickname I gave to those people working for the state. I looked them in the eyes and there is nothing , no sparks , no passion , no life. Just a talking husk that gave me a life lesson because I showed up at 8:16 for my 8:15 termin.

A long time ago , as we were chased by saber tooth tigers man made a system that was suppose to work for the man , but now ,the man/women , we work for the system and no one this days has the guts to question it as we are born into it and when you question it you get the answer "It is the way it is , you will understand one day".

So how are we supposed not to be fat , depressed ,addicted , malfunctioning individuals when this is the system we are living in. We are human beings , not robots! We don´t really have the control to this things called emotions , now do we? And they play a major role in our lifes. And after going through the systems grind , called education , we come back with no free will or mental strength to fight this urges.

Sometimes I feel like life is a simulation of sorts ,a test. Healthy food tastes bad , but bad taste good , if you are honest you will never get rich as the easiest way to acquire money is true crime/politics (is there any difference? ) ,the whole thing between what we are offered and what really functions is just to contradictory now to be ... just a random occurrence.

I think I am broken and quite sure I am crazy and possibly also indoctrinated. With every pressing day I feel like I am losing touch with reallity , I am no longer even sure what is reallity or what is normal. When I really say out loud what I really have to say , it sounds nuts.

But with every passing day I am also more and more come and recover faster and faster from momentarily panic attacks or depression , I recognize them now and always manage to pull myself out of it within minutes or at least hours ,so there is that.

I am slowly becoming a content ,claim , lunatic.

[misko55]

Bullshit... that is what I see around me this days , just bullshit.

I finally did everything regarding bureaucracy for social help and every step of it was filled with empty people being distracted by their job ,their bullshit job , offering bullshit jobs ,schools... I look the news on the internet and there it is , even more bullshit , commercials around the city , bullshit.

Are those employers that are puting those pictures of a happy employee doing their shitty bullshit job, really believing that it works , do people really buy that??Do they buy into the commercial ideas that if they buy this or that ,that they will rise in social pyramid or get that girlfriend/boyfriend they want?

We are a sorry bunch of people just deceiving ourselves and using bullshit distractions.

What the fuck is this and how the fuck did we get here?? Who's fucking brilliant idea this was?

This sociaty is insane.

[misko55]

Yesterday was a great day , one of the best!

I was invited to this housewarming party where I have meet many people and got to know some people that I already know , better. Which is always great!

This past few days I have been like a jo-jo , up and down , because I was dealing with bureaucracy and as I learned to live in the moment I also learned to see more details in that moment and that has its own problems. Everytime I go to this people , "the normalizers" as I called them , there is this detail I always see and it disturbs me and frankly , scared the hell out of me.

It is their eyes! There is nothing there! No passion , no dreams ... no life , they are empty , I look them in the eyes and I see just a reflection of me in them , they are almost like not even alive , they are more like husks ... and they are really committed to finding me a job and putting me back into the system.

After every termin with them I have panic attacks , this need to run or hide and my productivity with my writing plummets , my spirits go down and I end up watching bunch of junk on youtube ,just to distract myself.

I am capable of pulling myself out of it , but it is not easy , since I remember being a husk , this website , this journal was and still is , something that gives me a fighting chance.I am looking to get a job to save up some money for stuff that I will need to make it on my own and I hope that when I get the job , this journal is going to be like a safety net , that I don't get depressed like I always do when I have to work.

Aside from that , I am working on my project where once every week I post something about Leipzig on the Facebook , it is going better then I expected.I am also bidding for writing jobs and do have a crazy feeling that I might get one this week and writing an article for competition about education. And my good friend Olivia , that invited me to yesterdays party , is in that field and is more then happy to look what I have wrote and help me out.

Anyway , I think I have learn my lesson from this summer and instead of trying to start everything perfectly , only for not being able to do that and get demotivated , I am doing my projects on the go and learning slowly in the process. If I started like this in the summer , I could of been somewhere already , but , it is a learning process.

I just need to survive tomorrow's termin with "normalizer" , try to combat the effects those meetings always give me more efficiently this time and just stay stubborn and on course.

[misko55]

Pretty busy day and good.

Well , I usually turn into something I am not , when dealing with bureaucracy , but today I decided , no! I will be genuine there as well and I was surprised as my social worker there actually respond positively to that and went an extra mail and was much more relax , more than this time around me.

Yesterday I also wrote that I had a funny feeling that I might get a bid and did get a bid , for now , as I wrote my first article as a freelancer. I did made it easier since between two options of getting paid for work or being credited for work , I went for getting credited so I could have some reference and get better paid writing jobs easier.

I think it is a good test since , I am doing them free , they have nothing to lose and neither do I. I had a bit of a shake as I drifted with my mouse over reply button , with my first draft in the attachment , I haven´t been really comfortable not confident in showing my work around , being very scared of possible criticism.

But if you are to learn , you need to make mistakes and now I am more afraid of having regrets then failures.

Slow and steady wins the race , as long as I am going in the right direction , it is all good!

[misko55]

I am finally on the government payroll and my basic needs are meet. It is hard to concentrate on self development ,when you are in fear about bills and food.

I went to "normalizers" and I was surprised today as I had appointmentt by an older man that was suppose to help me with my CV and applications , but he talked to me like a human being , was so kind that I had to tell him thanks at the end of the meeting , shake his hand and... I am really grateful.

He struggled with computers , it was funny , but his enthusiasm to help me was an inspiration and if one day I could be that guy and really and genuinely help someone , it will all be worth it. He gave me contacts to continue my education , he encouraged me ,that was strange ,since most of them just want to find me a crappy job and get rid of me.

It was a humility pie that I had to eat as I realized that I put them all in the "normalizers" category and that is basically judging other people. It is a pie I ate gladly as I see it as just one more lesson on this path.

I am grateful that people like that exist!

[misko55]

And after I kicked into a higher gear and started doing staff instead of being high energy I decided it is a fine time to end this chapter and to get all this bureaucracy bullshit done.And as time was kicking on my apartment , I went to my renters office and declare that I want to stay in my apartment.

As I came home , feeling good about myself , how productive I am , I got confirmation that I will not be paid by government because I didn't work full 12 months , I worked 1 day less!! Really 365 days working and you get supported , 364 you get fucked!

Full panic mode on!

So , the only logical way was to be done with them and just concentrate on finding a job.

I looked online and my depression was about to kick in as I was browsing this terrible grindy jobs. And then I found a cute little family run pizzeria , looked at their website and liked what I saw , phone them ,arrange to get there today , liked what I saw and they liked me and tomorrow I got a trial day.

The woman was so friendly over the phone and in person , they have high scores on tripadvisor and they are professional , but human.

So I am hopeful. I need a job , my money reserve is at it´s end and I have been cutting on the only place I can cut and that was food. I feel low energy since I can no longer eat as healthy as I did before.

On the way back , I helped some grandpa carry some stuff on to the bus , which actually helped me more , since the bus driver opened the second door for us and I didn't had to pay for the ticket.

It feels good to help! And I am optimistic about this work , since I didn´t do that bullshit job interview , I was me , it all my quikines as I got there with the attitude , this is me , like me , hate me , hire me , don´t , but this is me!

So we will see what tomorrow brings.

[misko55]

Nothing like panic to make you move , ahaha , it is a funny feeling practicing mindfullnes and seeing oneself just reacting to circumstances instead of having some kind of control of them. It is like watching a horror movie and screaming , DON´T GO THERE , DON´T OPEN THAT DOO.... great , now your dead... fucking idiot.

I can´t remember when was the last time I sended so many job applications. I know why I can´t remember... I never did it. Yesterdays job went badly , I still might get it , but I hate being a waiter and I am not really good at it. So I am trying to be a driver , I also applied for several mini-jobs that pay more then I need and don´t take a half of my day , so I can concentrate on writing.

And I have a article written. There is an article and my name by it on the internet!It is shit , it´s for one of those free IQ tests websites , you know , if you click on them , you already failed the IQ test. But hey , Rome wasn´t build in a day.

I have also found an Ausbildung , work and education in the same time (for non Germans) in Tourism and it looks pretty good.

It is funny , my life is crumbling around me and my brain is constantly finding new solutions. I am optimistic and I haven´t dipped into depression or giving up , like I would just a year ago. I am all about that action and building my dreams , no matter what it takes.

I wish I knew about personal development earlier , I could of made something by now instead of still fixing all of the shit from my 4 years of depression.