No More Dreaming , Time To Build.

[misko55]

Had beautiful day with my parents in Leipzig ,just watching the city... to many things to say here so maybe later ,the real important deal I told my father all of the things he didn't know ,about the day that destroy me and about my need to change and unplug from this world ,go another way.

I guess things are now in motion...

Aside from that , this life ... this planet.... beautiful. It fucking is!

[misko55]

Leipzig-Berlin-Dresden-Prague-Český Krumlov and now home. Nice vacation ,sorted some thing ,got some ideas ,but...it was a long trip ,tomorrow is a new day and after all this traveling ,it´s time to make an escape plan from the horrors of the ordinary living

[misko55]

Decision made. August the 5th , if all of the circumstances stay the same , I will quit my job.

I had nice 3 weeks of vacation and got a little bit lazy and I forgot the bad times , I was full of optimism and my parents gave me a green light to pursue my happiness , I would either way , but it is nice to know they support me no matter what.

But in the process , I got a little lazy and had a bit of a hard time finding motivation to search for other thing , well , I guess I can´t be hard on myself , I did need a break , I had migraines for a whole month.

But today was my first day of work after my holiday and sometimes motivation finds you. I swear to everything that I hold dear , by the end of this year , I will not be there , I will not be put down with that places bad vibes , I WILL LEAVE and LIVE!!!! Love how this two words sound similar.

14 more work days. I am out of my comfort zone , every day I will make a move forward to dig myself out.

Today I registerd to a site (it was more difficult then you think (thanks to some very bad coding (it took me an hour)))  https://hosteljobs.net/#

I have pinpointed some other sites and will be registering and doing recon and sending my CV in the next few days.

Also , I have made some footage and intend to make my youtube channel ,https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCm0sOsyKi0osqohKEYS5hxQ?guided_help_flow=3 , The rat race fugitive , I just reserved the name , but by the end of the week I will make my first video. It is going to be shit , I don´t own anything that could make it high quality or have a know how , but until now I used that as an excuse , no more , that channel will grow as I grow.

It is going to be my video journal , as I will mostly talk about my plans or moves that I made to get out of this insane , chasing Pokemons , making terror attacks , doing coup d etat , world and hopefully other people will learn from me how to do it , or how not to do it , either way , I just want to spread some peace and love and happiness , I´m tired of this shit , of this greed , ego... I just want to meet and connect with people like myself , with people like on this site.

I don´t know shit , I´m an egoistic son of a bitch and I realized that I´m not open minded. I did a little bit of this work and I gave myself right to levitate above other people. Well , I don´t know anything , my mind is blank , that guy is dead , died in an office ,here is this new guy. He is walking disaster , but he has a heart of gold and wants to learn ,wants to grow and want to help others , he is so stupid that he belives in humanity.

So I'm terrified that my first video is going to be crap and I am afraid of get financially hit to live my dreams , but I am more afraid of this that I´m living now , so I´m no longer saying " I´m gonna do this" , now I´m doing it.

 

It´s on , peace , till tomorrow.

[misko55]

Made a list of things I want to check off before going all in. Well , plan is to check off as much as possible in an as short time as possible. Also I have drafted a little plan.

So the List. I got 2200€ , about to hit 2500€ , actually I have that amount , but this program I am in , still didn't pay me my 300€. So I do have a certain interest to stay at my job until the pay , since it could get difficult to get that money if I leave. It might not , but I am a Croatian and I know about pay up difficulties , so that is how I´m going to roll. 

If I manage until August the 5th , I will have 3000€ and that gives me 7 and a half month of breathing space. Pretty sweet , but that is running on air and water  , but for a dream and escape... I´ll do it!

Next , start the blog and have some content on it , will start with that this weekend.

Youtube channal , some content on it. I will be meeting this Saturday with a friend that , I think knows this shit , making videos and editing , so , it´s on stand by till Saturday.

Have a camera. My died and is in Zagreb. Zagreb is 930km away from me. Will figure something out. I left it for a repair and my friends that also live in Leipzig might be able to bring it back to me , otherwise I will have to buy a new one. If I do that I will add the value of it to this 3000€ since there will always be something I could get and that could drag on and I would never leave.

I need to get a German mobile number... yeah , if I register on PayPal as a Croatian I can only add credit cards. I don´t own one and don´t intend to own one. Regarding banksters , if I´m not on their radar , I´m happy. But if I try to register as living in Germany and add my bank account , I need a phone number. Also , I will take pre paid this Saturday.

Register on PayPal. So that I could register for Workaway site. You need to pay yearly 23€ and there you can volonteer on farms ,homesteads ,hostels... it´s pretty neet. You exchange your time for food and accomodation. Mayority of them give you your own room and free internet.

And need to update some other sites I have , time to connect with people. Also with crowdfounding like Patreon. If someone would donate just 1€ , that would be a big help. But for that I do need to set that blog and youtube channel , otherwise it´s just an online begging.

 

I have decided how I will quite. I will thank them for the opportunity and be a good person , also after quitting I will not speak badly about them in blog or channal. It was a moment in my life and it will stay there.

 

Plan is: Find something in Bayern region. Use https://www.couchsurfing.com/dashboard?new_user=true to find some places to crash on the way , probably Hof or Nurnberg (also need to find a way for cheap travell). Stay there a couple of weeks/months and head for Switzerland (Bern,Zurich) and Lichtenstein and hopefully try to find a winter season job in those ski resorts. Build up my purse and then head for Austria (Salzburg ,Linz ,Wien) maybe stay at some farm to rest a bit. Then head for Bratislava , Budapest and from there just take the train and go home.

It will be a test run to see how suited I am for this and it leads home! Also it runs with my bucket list , I intend to visit all of the European capitals.

 

Anyways , this is it from me , but I pride myself in doing the best I can , so I´m sorry for bad English , normally I edit stuff , but now , I just try to capture it all as it comes from my mind. And this is good ,I usually have my own words that would look like this:

I writ fst becu m mnd is very fst nd I nd to cptr it bfor I los d trck of it. ( I write fast because my mind is very fast and I need to capture it before I lose the track off it). Everybody has their own style I guess , I developed mine. It is funny when people find my notes. Half written in Croatian , English and German , sometmes whole sentences just switching. I can read it and edit it later and that is all that matters to me when I write.

So yeah , that and the fact that I´m tired. Had 5 hours of sleep and... boy , I don´t remember Monday , I learn and did so much in such a short time , but gotta go now ,there is more work to be done ,just 17 more days!

[misko55]

I need to add one more thing to my list , the most important one... balls... balls to do this.

Today I forgot to put my alarm on so I woke up less then an hour till my work and with 2 hour commute... well , I called in sick. But I didn't go to the doctor since... I was lying and she doesn´t work Wednesdays. So tomorrow is going to be interesting. But what is the worst thing that can happen?? They fire me??? Hahahaha... I wish!

Before going to get a german number and making a payment I sniffed around that site , workaway. 713 opportunities just in Germany. I scrolled a few... and I WANT THIS!!! I wanted to apply immediately! Can´t wait to do it!

Now about that , I have a contract on this apartment until end of the August , I signed that I will stay her full year (Germans , they love to improvise , don't they! ) So I want to wait it out , not buy it out and August the 5th is the date when I should get paid by this program. If I leave earlier , they will cancel the payment.

So yeah , that´s the plan , collect money , quit the job , stay her next 3 weeks and arrange everything , learn and send my stuff home to my parents and do this!

I can't believe how fast today went and how slow Monday and Tuesday were , it's unacceptable.

But my eyes are now open and opportunities are everywhere , I am no longer feeingl trapped. I feel like a little kid and , I need to put that on my list as well: I need to keep myself in check so that I don´t burn out. It´s not important to set up everything perfectly , with the blog and channel. It will take time to build , there is no way that I will set on this adventure with backing from profits from Youtube and blogging and thousand subscribers.

I want to do it today , right now... and there is a big fight between logical side that did all the decision making till this year , the side that likes this comfort and security and familiarity and tries to save every penny ... and my other side , that I don´t know how to name , the one I always ignored , the one that looked in the sky and wondered , the one that likes to dance in the rain , the one that is trying to break free and....and I have to wonder... is that side... me?...or just a projection I created to justify this recklessness and actually even thinking to do something as stupid as just drop a safe job for chasing dreams.

I know one thing... I never had regrats about things I did and even if they blew up in my face , I forgot about them , moved on and in the end , they made a nice little stories... but the ones I didn´t. They stay fresh in the memory....

I am not a believing man , I am an Atheist (it´s more complicated than that) but yesterday I looked upon the stars and whispered... give me strength to fucking do it...

Hmmm , who knows , I might even resign tomorrow.....

[misko55]

The rat race fugitive is on the run... and got cought... , damn...

I quited my job , I said "Ich kundight" , I quit and no , I´m still there. Because of the fact that I´m in a program they needed first to talk to my social worker and she didn´t responded today, TODAY!!! Of all the fucking days. The day I finally finded my balls (they were just hanging there by the way) and next week it is busness as usual. Fuck , today was probably the worst day of my life , I feel like I´m in that TV show "Lost". Just can´t get of the fucking island.

Ahhh , nevermind. Everything happens for a reason. I got here depressed and lazy and this job turned my life around , it is a great opportunity , but only for somebody else , me... I want to be happy , just that happy. I want to be unbelievably rich , in knowledge , experience and life. So maybe there is a reason that this turned out the way it did , but I doubt that by the end of this month I´ll be there.

And I made a contact with a guy that would like to help me , he did this in 2008 and is still doing it , just travelling on a budget , he does exactly what I want to do , so I might learn a thing or two during this little complication.https://tomislavperko.com/

Either way , I promised myself that I will quit and pursue my dreams and I´m a simple man , I rarely make promises , but when I do.... I keep them

[misko55]

German number , got it. PayPal , made. Registering for Workaway... problem. Need to wait a few day to be able to pay the joining fee ,PayPal will send a verification code to my account , until then 23€ is to big off a payment for them. Nevermind , I never thought this would go down simple.

And talking about "simple things" ,let's see if I will be able to quit tomorrow.

I have so much fear about this travelling that I am going to do , so much , it patrifies me ,so much that I am almost stunned.

Between needing to relax after work because of the migraines and anxiety attack (yup that one is new ,thx job!) and this fear , I am very unproductive ,but than being unresponsive is usually my way processing things , a calm before the storm. Everytime I had a big decision to make ,before making it and doing it , I would be unresponsive.

Also , made contact with that guy who traveled to 40 countries on a budget and got some nice advice about blogging and how to start.

I´m not doing this to make money , I want experience , but I am also very very passionate about not starving to death.

The biggest thing is , I´m 10 days away from getting more cash but... I will always be a paycheck away from having more cash.

I can't wait to do this and get back to writing about my self development and stop this job complaining , prison break planning journal.

[misko55]

It´s done. Friday is my last working day there...

[misko55]

Tomorrow is my last day at Mordor!!! Yeah!!!

And today was a great day , wait ,what? Great day at work? No , I called in sick , well I lied but what they gonna do , fire me??  

Yesterday I decided to give that couchsurfer website a shoot and meet someone new and there was this post from some Italian girl that she just got here and would like to meet up with someone to show her the city , so , why not and we arrange a meet up.

We meet and 4 hours later she said that they are looking for people in a hostel she is working in and thing I would fit in , I mean... Jesus , she was the first person I meet and immediately there was an opportunity , just goes to show that opportunities are everywhere!!! And just a few months ago I felt trapped , but thank you Leo and this website and to all the great people out there that I meet or I´m about to meet.

And she , and her name is Silvia by the way , is everything I want to be , we have simular ideas , she is planning to make a travel blog and lives in a moment.I have so much to learn from people like that , I am no were near that kind of positivity , but I could feel it , that positive energy emitting from a positive person just mixing with my energy and making it stronger and more positive. And after so much negativity and watching people at my work place just be pissed off and fight and be angry about things that I find bullshit , this was a refreshing day.

I just hope that this day is a beginning of many days like this , just living in a moment and looking at my watch and thinging.... damn 4 hours , I would bet it was max 2 hours!!! Fuck me, it´s 13:30  , if I was at my work , it would be probably around 10:45 (I start at 10:00).

And while I know many people that want an expensive car , highly paid job , a big house and a model girlfriend/boyfriend , me... I just want a one way ticket for a bus/train/plane and maybe someone to share that with , but after years of trying and forcing to get into relationships (so that I would feel valued) I´m finally good on my own and next time I try to get into a relationship , it´s going to be some awesome , unique, weird girl.

I feel like a chapter is written and it´s time for a new one.

Edited July 28, 2016 by misko55
Grammar mistakes

[misko55]

End of an era. Hard not to feel something. Even some weird kind of sadness and I feel it. I am in a moment ,usually I would be planning ,thinking about the next move ,but today I just lived this moment and it´s weird. All of this mental pain and complaining about my job.... it all will be reduced to a moment.

10-15-20 years from now I will be like " yeah , I lived and worked in Germany in Leipzig.... I tried , I didn´t like it , I moved on" end of story ,end of a story that had so much more supstance ,more meat, will be reduced just to bones ,facts ,a moment in time and space. I was here , I did this , I wasn´t here any more. And that is not just about this job , but life in general. So many stories ,so many events through my life that just.... faded. Pain ,happiness ,sadness , boredom. It all came in my life , made an impact , looked like it will stay forever , didn't , got forgotten.

Ahh , what the hell got me into this self development thing in the first place , what blood sorcery was that??? Could of lived my nice comfortable mediocre life ,but nooooo, here we are. At a crossroad.

Also today I witnessed an interesting conversation. A truck driver complaining and being angry about his job and shift (does sound familiar thou) and not being able to spend time with his family and Lucas , my friend from work , defending the system and attacking the driver with facts ,laws and just defening the system "it is the way it is".

And that is why we can´t have nice things. Also he wants to leave this job because he doesn´t like the shifts and how much time he spends on the job and not being able to spend his time with friends and family.... oh irony , your not lost on me.

It also rained today and it was fitting for the end of this chapter.

[misko55]

Woken up from Hibernation

Got a little lazy , Saturday was really lazy , Sunday I spend whole day with John from Manchester showing him the city (another person from that Couchsurfing website). Monday , afternoon was boring and evening was great , meet with that Sylvia form Italy and shared a beer , it was a really nice evening.

And today I realized ,I am avoiding to start going in some general direction. So I forced myself to be alone with my thought , no distraction and... yep , it was there... this paralyzing fear of "you idiot , you quit your job now what??? Travel , way to go genius , that's exactly how world functions"

So today was a slow start , but , I finally cleaned my apartment , cleaned my laptop of some games , I really don´t watch TV shows anymore , so one thing I didn't had to do ,but it was like good old days with "didn't I already do this?" Yes I did and now we need to do it again , I guess.

It´s okay ,I made a plan for tomorrow. Time to get back to working out , step up the meditation , pay 23€ to that site and start looking for opportunities and for god sake , start that damn blog , it´s not going to write it self. (thou that would be nice ).

I guess this battle with yourself never stops.

[misko55]

Had a nice proper work out again and my mental state is improving. I deleted , once again , all of my online games and the only ones left are the ones that are on German , I downloaded to help me learn German and since they are on German , I don´t play them anyway  

I fall short of the things I wanted to do today , mostly I was uninstalling things ,empty folders and making my new workspace (laptop) faster and had a few hiccups along the way.

First I started uninstalling something on cyrillic letters and then I remembered a few letters on that alphabet and read "Comm" to late... and there went my internet , I uninstalled my network card software... soo after a "full panic mode" run it´s course , I did system restoration , which I was smart enough to do today before thinking with my only means of communication. But I had to uninstall stuff all over.

After that I decided to finally instal MS Office since I might use it ,to follow my expenses and don´t really have a proper tool for writing when am offline and I´m losing track off all my "New text documents" I am around number 56-57?? Fun times...

If I only knew it would take a whole bloody hour. But it is done and tomorrow is a new day. Games are out of the window , TV shows I don´t watch no more , I read , I work out and I have 5 weeks (end of this month) before I´ll hit the road ,so just got to keep the momentum going.

 

[misko55]

I love life , I love the colors around us , how the light shines in the dark , I love a late evening calm train ride ,when all the people are tired and they are some sounds here and there and the day is coming to an end ,I love a deep talk with a deep genuine person , I love when I make someone smile , when I help someone , when I have this power , this power to do good , to make someone´s day better , I love falling in love , it has a chance to just go down horrible , but you believe , you naively believe in the best , I love that feeling in your belly. I love apples and the texture they have when you bit them , just shiny , like millions of stars in a fruit , I love the smell of flowers on a crisp spring morning and when the wind gently breezes.

I love the stars and wonder , just wonder ,I love sitting by a lake or a sea or a river and play my guitar... I love my guitar , I love music ,it is the best thing we invented , I love that moment of silence I sometimes reach during meditations and I love the moment I open my eyes after one and it´s like being born again , I love hugs , the feeling of energy just exchanging between body´s. The taste of food and lack of taste with water. I love Leipzig as much as I love Zagreb as much as I loved Carnival Triumph , every place has it´s magic.

I just fucking love it all. Men don´t have emotions.. Fucking shit , why do we obliged to society and their rules , why don´t we question them , break them and get our own answers. I'm a Croatian but before that I´m a man but before that I´m human and that means something to me. It´s responsibility to this planet and to ourselves to live the best we can and evolve our race.

I´m doing that and I love it , it scares the shit out of me but it´s big. This whole process thought me so much , eye opener , I never really loved anything , I even wonder if I really loved some of the girls form my past , was it real?? So many beautiful things around me and I just noticed it now , I'm a bit late to the party.

And no... I´m not drunk  

Edited August 6, 2016 by misko55

[misko55]

My parents know...just got a green light from my mother. It was... I never had such an honest talk with her.

Money for that Workaway site is paid , I also find some part time jobs ,just in case. I expect problems with my landlord. They want 3 month notice , I want to quit this rat race today , so there is a difference in opinion , will find out tomorrow. I will survive it.

So much to write but... there is only one thing actually on my mind.

I'm scared shitless but always had a feeling that my life will be something like this. My mother mentioned it , my talk when I was 13 years old and said that I think I will be homeless. Also I , my whole life ,had a feeling I will die violently... I just hope my feelings are wrong about at least one thing.

PC games are out of the picture as TV series as well ,they just... don´t make sense. Doesn't make sense to do that when time is so limited. I´m on, 14,7% body fat , sooo , yu-hu for me and I think I´m falling for that Silvia girl and that is terrible , I´m terrible when I start to fall for someone.

Just the day after spending a day with her in a near by town of Halle , I went to meet my friend and as I tried to exit my building I couldn´t. The door to the building was locked , they are never locked. It started banging and trying to open them by force ,I was angry and frustrated about the situation. What to do , I had no clue and after a few seconds of banging on the door I decided. I will wait for someone to come from the outside and unlock the door with the ke....eeey?? Shit ,right. And I unlocked the door with my key. Point is... I get really ,really stupid.

And this is not the time to be stupid or wear those damn pink glasses and have my head in the clouds. This is the moment when we find out if the line between bravery and stupidity is really that thin. But in the end we all die the same and nothing really matters.

After all the small changes , it´s time for the big one and I think I got this. I better do or I´m f...............

[misko55]

Since I quited , I don´t really have much to write about.

I´m doing my development , meditating , watching Leo´s videos and putting the new found knowledge to work , working out and getting quite fit and confident , building connections and meeting new incredible people , playing my guitar , learning German and I´m just.... happy.

The only sad thing is that I don´t know yet how to share this happiness of mine , it seems I was much more frequent here when my job was making me miserable. On that note , I also no longer play video games , it´s 2 weeks and something...this time I´m not counting , no need , I´m not forcing myself not to play , quite the opposite , I am allowed , I just don´t need to or want to give my valuable time to it , when there is so much to learn and do that fulfills me. I don´t watch TV series no more and also Youtube.So many of the channels are quite... pointless.

I do like some history channels on youtube or just channels with host that have a certain charisma that I would like to learn and have , since I would like to kick start that youtube channel one day.

Right now , I´m just putting some finishing touches to myself before going deeper and start to make my own money on my own terms , making me self sufficient. It will take time and I will not be financially rich.

But who cares about being rich... we all die the same.There is no money limit that you pass and now you don´t die , or the number of cars you have or the number of models you fucked... at the end, we only take our experiences to the grave with us.

And I intend to make them good. And I intend to enrich the lives of people around me too.

[Anna Konstantaki]

yes!!!  weeeeeeee 

[misko55]

Just returned from the lake , I went skinny dipping. Why? I wanted to...

That was pretty much my week , yesterday I went out , I found this event in Leipzig where people go and meet and decided , it's time to work on my comfort zone and by working I mean breaking it , defeating it.

So yesterday I did that , went outside my comfort zone and just allowed myself to be who I am , if they like me , great if not...well , they are missing out. And I meet so many wonderful people from all around the world , there was so much positivity in the air , ne secret agendas , just people starting conversation with a person next to them that they never saw in their life until today. It was beautiful , one of the best days ever.

And today I took another hit at my comfort zone by just going into this darkness that was around the lake and then just taking all my clothes off and go into the water... great feeling. Germans have no problem with nudity , I see them all the time around the lakes , at first it was a cultural shock , but now I get it , but to do it in a daylight , when there are people around. That comfort zone is going to stay for a while.

Anyway , when I went to that event I went with my guitar (it gives me confidence) , I call her Jelena and I think I´m going to end this entry with a story time.

I wrote this on 10.03.2016 , it was an excercise for creative writing , objective , to close your eyes for 5 minutes , picture one of the objects in your room and then write about ii as much as possible in 10 minutes , or 15. I don´t rememer. But here it goes:

 

It was probably the best day of my life. I was going to German classes that I bought after coming back from the cruise ship. I hoped that , maybe I could meet someone there , I mean ,a girl. At first I was dissapointed and just as I dropped that hope , there she was , joining our group , Jelena.

There was never a girl that made such an impact on me , I change because of her , I wanted to be a better person , but I started it to late and my past catched up to me and Jelena was gonne from my life. When someone says a perfect girl, it´s her that I picture.

And now I have nothing but memories and my guitar.

I was searching through US to find this guitar. I knew which one I wanted but I couldn´t find it. Until that day. It was a last German class before the exam and I was preping myself to ask Jelena out , time was running out. That day I made my last German homework , it was pretty funny , everybody laught I even translated "you are my sunshine" into a German.

Du bist meine Schonen schinen

mein einzigen schonen schine

du macht mir glucklich

Anyways in the morning I went for a hunt. I saw on the internet that there is a place that sales Fender guitars 50% off and so I went. And there she was ,Electric-Acustic guitar , the one I wanted all a long. There was no doubt in my mind, it was take my money!!! I went to local exchage store and exchanged around 200-330$ for 1500 kn ( Croatian currency) The first time I ever held a 1000kn bill. It lasted 5 min as I gave it for "my precius", the best thing I ever bought.

Money can´t buy happiness , I agree , but this guitar is mighty close to it.And so I killed it in German class with my homework and after class had to wait for my friends , we were going to movies to see the new American Pie movie. Now I never saw one and I didn´t wanted to go (it was funny in the end) but life writes amazing stories.

As I was trying to find a way to kill time , Jelena just said. " You wanna go to the bar with me and wait there?" Fuck yeah , I would go to the moon for you. I meet her sister there and Jelena was constatly laughing , just hitting me in the foot in that "I wanna touch you way".

To this day , I don´t know how I manage to fuck that up , well I do , but that´s another story , dark story , how I got my heart broken and got scared about relationships.

I changed , thanks to her. Where she is , who knows , but I will always have that moment , that image of her smile,eyes that looked like thousands of stars shinning ,as that responsible 22 year old that moved to a big city alone and was doing amazing things ,was behaving like a child aound me.

I have that moment and I wouldn´t change it for anything and I have my guitar. And as a real "rocker" I gaved her a name. I didn´t wanted to give her that name at first , but there was no doubt that that guitar name was Jelena. And just like her , that guitar is precius.

[misko55]

I fell , I fell fast and , hell , I fell hard.

Yesterday was one of those days I just dreamed I will have. I re-read my journal and funny thing... maybe a little bit sad , maybe a mixer of both.

I was always bad with relationships , coursed with jealousy and neediness. I wouldn't have problem attracting a girl , but later , when I would start to like her I would become so insecure and play it safe , like I would have this big romantic idea and yet I would take her for the most boring ,mediocre typical date you can think. Like walking on eggs , not to piss her off or get in a position where we do not agree about a certain think. Like no risk at all.

Good news , I think it´s in a past. (also thanks to the Leo´s relationships videos)

A month ago Silvia was just some Italian chick that I saw on some website for backpackers ,who put a post that she is new in the city and I came to that website determined to kick start my plans and get away from my job. So I said to my self , first person I see , I contact them. And it was her.

Life writes and amazing stories , sad stories , happy stories ... but unbelievable , magical stories.

We meet several times adter that and last sunday I sended her a text to meet up , but she said she is with friends and I started reverting to my old needy self. My mood went down.What if she is with some other guy? Thank god for Leo and his videos because I was able to recognize , be aware of my behavior and I know that road... that road leads to fuck up. I know where that road leads , I went with it way to many times and this time... I took another road.

Instead of being passive-aggressive , get angry and frustrated and sad ,I went with my life , went to an event and meet some great people there. I planned to ask Silvia for a meet up on Friday but something happened on Thursday , she beat me to it.

We had great time and funny think how things solved them selfs. Normally I would force a meet up with a girl I like and it would rain , or I wanted to make a party but other people would back out of it , always problems. But this time , we arrange to go to a park ,4 of us. At first I wanted to be alone with her , but I went through it and thank god I did. Olivia , who I meet on the event 2 days earlier had to go early so we started taking about going to the lake and everybody jumped on board , so we arranged it. And the Stefano ,a guy I actually thought about not inviting (No competition) yesterday came with a friend Gina and yesterday we had a great day.

It was my dream to go to a beach with some great people , play the guitar ,drink beer and have fun and yesterday it came true. And it came with this amazing girl Silvia. I actually ,a day earlier went through half of the city just to buy a guinness beer because that is her favorite and she prepared pasta for us. We have so much fun together ,we constantly tease each other , touch barrier is way behind us and later that evening a Syrian guy approached us , saying that he is alone here in Germany , have no friends , so I gave him a beer and he joined us. And he thought that Silvia and I are together.

Everybody knows I like her and that is new. I usually hide it , not to be vulnerable , I was even ashamed of my sexuality and with girls I was never who I really am. And now it's different. I see it in her eyes that she knows that I like her and I see that she likes me , we have birthday on the same day and she already started planning a big one for both of us. And with that we come to a sad part.

In two weeks , when we have birthdays...it is going to be her last days here in Leipzig before going home to Italy. And just thinking about it gets my eyes wet. We will meet today and we already planned a lot of meet ups during this 2 weeks and I can´t wait for them , just take in every moment and soak it in.

It´s funny. I´m happy on my own , despite this tears rolling down my cheek , I was never happier , I never felt like a real man like I do now and now for the first time seeing the results of all my hard work on personal development , how you can be on your own , confident and independent and happy and how a confident , independent and absolutely great girl can make your life so fucking amazing ,it just fuels me even more to work on myself , since , I´m just a newbie on this site.

I never had something like this , felt like this. I had girls I desperately wanted to fuck and for them to solve all my problems (which we all here know wouldn't work) and now here I am ,writing this since I want to remember this moment , planning on seeing her more ,while wearing my heart on a sleeve knowing she will go , just wanting to make a few more moments before it´s over before she goes and she needs to go , I know it. She said something about staying and maybe better her German but I told her to go back and finish the collage(every fiber in my being was screaming STAY WITH ME) and then do as she pleases.

Is this how love feels? I don´t know! I usually manipulated and lied and pretended to get girls ,while hiding my feelings and vulnerability like snake hides its legs, I was never me, me. Or is it obsession? Or something third , maybe I am delusional , thinking , ooh I do personal development now , I´m better than others , sooo , this has to be something most people don´t experience.

I don´t know , all I know is that this couple of days have been great. All I know is that I am living in a moment more and more and that I am happy with myself , I can sit in an empty room for hours and smile. All I know is that just a year ago I would screw this up and no way that something like this would happen. All I know is that all the hard work in personal development , beating down my addictions and starting exercising ,just with this moment , they paid off and I don´t think I can imagine a pay off that I could get if I continue on this path. All I know is that I learned a lot from her and I think that I am about to solve my problems that I had with women after getting cheated.

All I know is that in couple of years , somebody is going to ask me about Leipzig... and I will smile.And there will be one name on my lips.

La vita e bella! (life is beautiful)

[misko55]

I have a high IQ... and no, this is not a egoistic sentence , but a true one. I do have a high IQ. I took a test , it was for deciding to which high school to go and passed as highly above average and I hate it. I wish I was stupid ,a simpleton.

Kobayashi Maru , an unwinnable scenario.Unwinnable scenario-wouldn´t that be a definition of life.

Since that day , it´s stuck in my head. You should be doing better , I see bloody idiots doing better then I , there is a pressure on me my whole life , from my parents...from me. But the doctor , she said to my father "this is not a completely good thing , being smart doesn't mean he will have an easy life , in majority of the cases it is quite the opposite" And boy she was right.

That is why I wish I was stupid , just live in my own damn bubble , believing every bullshit story that media gives you , eat crap and believe that fat IS the new beauty standard as they turn you into a perfect consumer.

My brain hurts me from all the fucking overthinking , not even meditation could shut it up , walk in a park or going for a swim , I´m all in my head. What are you doing for a living?Such an innocent question and yet it tells you all you need about our culture.

I do my best work when I have limited time , too much time and I get lazy. That is why I made a sudden decision to quit and go out there , but no. I have an appartment lease contract and my quitting period is 3 months!!! 3 fucking months , to much time that is being wasted , to much time for my brain to think ,to much time for my brainwashing (School ,TV ,games ,Facebook ,news) to kick in and , yeah , having my 26 birthday in six days (I always get a bit depressed in this time of the year) and falling for a girl that is going to leave Leipzig in 9 days , and yeah , she has a birthday on the same day as I and her plan is for us both to celebrate it on 9.9. , her last day here , incidentally a birthdate of my first girlfriend that cheated on me and send me down a nice spiral of depression.

See! Overthinking!Isn´t is just fun?!? And just this Sunday I was happy. How things change.

But I guess being happy for a whole damn month was a bit to much and expecting it to last indefinitely was a bit naive from me , I guess there is no point in this self-development where it stops being hard and turns into smooth sailing. I have always question things , but after this months ,after everything I learned and experienced , I question apsolutly everything , I question myself , I question Leo and wonder if he is full of bullshit. Media , hell , if it was a sunny day and I can see it and read in a media that it is a sunny day , I would question it. Is this really living?

Being in a moment made me happy , but now as I looked today for a job to do this 3 months , since I still live on this bloody planet and I need money, and here I am. Just a thought of a job , just a picture of a sterile office with two people staring in a screen with a smile , that standard bloody fake picture you always see as you apply for another time sucking , soul crushing job , sapped all of my energy and positivity , just like that.

And does it matter? No it doesn't. It really doesn't matter what we do , Earth doesn't stop spinning when we die , jobs don´t close down when we quit , the sun and the moon have seen so many organisms just , come and go.

A one sended application for a job and I wonder if this month , month that I was happy , when I went out and meet so many people and fell in love , and I question it all. Was I really happy ,or was it all just a distraction?

And now I wonder if I am doing this personal development wrong ,is this really a personal development or just a midlife crisis as I am about to lose my best friend couse he keeps playing computer games and I lost interest in them ,as my heart wants to sell everything I have and go to Italy with a girl I know for a month and my brain is writing this and he has no idea what he wants to say with this entry today.Maybe rhis is just a cry for help.

I think I am insane. Am I going to wake up tomorrow being sure that I am a chicken ,couse the way this is going , it could happen.

High IQ my ass.

 

[misko55]

My thoughts surprise me and my actions are... illogical. Am I who I am or am I acting as someone I want to be? Or am I someone who I am not but now is trying to become who I am supposed to be? Who the fuck am I? I know I´m not depressed , but not really happy , I know I´m not traped , but not really free , I know I have a crush , but don´t really care about the outcome. Does anything really matters?

So yesterday was interesting , I went out with Silvia , she joined me after the work , just the two of us. She had a bad day and this arrangement didn't suited her , she was an hour late , but she did everything in her power to show up , I would of canceled it 5 times , but she showed up and stayed until 2 in the morning as the conversation dragged to a halt , but we both wanted to stay in the moment , just there , wanting to fully open ourselves to one another but still didn't since... well fear I guess.

So we were there at 11pm , it was dark , there was music , we were on a blanket , drinks were there , sky was beautiful , she was opening up to me and then I threwed up... not really a Hollywood script I guess. And I was happy about it , I eat some crap and , I realized after changing my eating habits drastically , that I can no longer eat crap , I feel sick , I need good food , I can no longer eat a lot of meat. Or processed food.

So I have this beautiful girl by my side , on a wonderful evening , with romantic music in the distance and we are pretty much alone , she is opening up to me and I'm throwing up for a whole minute if not two , thinking "this is it , this is how I die" and I´m happy , because , hey at least I sorted one thing in my fucking life...food! I think psychiatrists would have a field day with me.

At the end of the evening she , like always, suggested that we see each other again and I took a lead , like always , and I´m taking her out for our birthdays , we are going for her favorite food. It´s funny , I see it in her eyes that she likes me , but that she is also not sure if I like her back ,she opened up , but she also lied ,not really lied ,but that white lie you say not to get hurt ,she is in a way equally afraid of me , like I am of her.

It´s funny , I like her so much and I know it will not work , and it´s even more funny knowing that she likes me back and it still isn´t going to work , her and me , this is it, just a moment in time. For her it´s finding someone who finally understands her and for me... well , it´s personal development as I had a lot of problems with women , buying into society that women are this perfect , beautiful creatures that I was always putting on a pedestal and get hurt or friendzoned. But we are all just the same , little bit of a difference here and there , but mayor things , the same. We just roam this planet trying to find...something , something undefined , something our heart wants , something that voice in our head is whispering or something that society says... you should look for this. This is the something you are looking for.

So yesterday , there was just this imperfect guy who is looking for himself , trying to make this romantic evening , throwing up his guts several times and almost collapsed as he escorted her home to make sure she get´s there safely and this imperfect girl that tried to play being a strong independent woman but sharing more than she intended as she almost went into tears in my lap , saying "I don´t know anything , I don´t know what I´m doing , why do I suck so much".

And I learn so much about myself in that one evening , than my whole life , I guess , things do happen for a reason ,I don´t know ,maybe it´s just a bullshit we hang on to , like as Silvia went about our horoscopes and I know she will be googling our compatibility , hell , I was guilty of that as well in the past , I guess it´s so much easier to give your power to some "higher power" then to own your shit up.

I guess it is hard to human... and yeah , I´m fun at parties