No More Dreaming , Time To Build.

[misko55]

Day 11

Great weekend. Did everything I wanted , but still I do have a low energy and procrastinate from time to time , without gaming I have a big gap to fill. Can´t wait for the next weekend , but now , tomorrow is Monday , so , back to Mordor.

[examinationseeker]

@misko55 

I would have to partially disagree with you about the whole accountability thing. Yes, one must primarily be accountable to oneself, but as Gary Keller said, most successful people have someone who keeps them accountable. For example, athletes are kept accountable by a coach. There should be something to help onself on this journey. Without one's own effort, it doesn't matter, but being kept accountable by others can help. 

[misko55]

Day 12 - Pretty much writing my journal everyday just for this part , I get easily lost in time , so yeah , day 12

@examinationseeker what ever rocks your boat. It is funny , I always drive carefully when I have passengers , but when I´m alone , Colin McRae baby... you see , without this journal to keep me accountable I would probably again play video games and would go back to standard , so yeah , this accountability to others is not a bad thing right now , but it´s more like driving a bike with training wheels until you are ready to go on your own.

 

[misko55]

Day 13 - Come on Saturday!!

I did my math today and looked at history of my shifts. In last 6 months , that is 24 weeks I did only 5 weeks of normal shift , from 8. Other 19 were this shit shift in which I don't have time for anything.

I can´t wait for 24.6. which is 8 weeks from now. I started this journal from wrong and selfish reasons , but... I want more and now it become a story of my redemption. So many memories from past , childhood are coming back , so many things that I have forgotten.

I want to endure until 24.6. because that is when my vacation starts and I want my parents to come here so they could see Leipzig and then take trips to Berlin , Dresden and Prag. That is all I think about. And when that is done , it´s "I quite time". 

I don´t think there is this one perfect job , I want to experience it all , with so many things to see in this world , why concentrate on one?? There are many types of people in this world ,so why should we all live the same. If you want to dedicate your life to something , sure go ahead , but me. I love variety and I love "wild" jobs. Everyday , doing this shitty , boring , routine job , I want to go back to the ship , or back to being tourist animator.

Watching my college is killing me , all the people in this field are bloody boring and I just sit there watch them stress out and getting fat and behind them is this big window and you can see this beautiful field and the sun.

And I don´t get it , I really don´t. I had a privilege to meet some people who inspired me and made me change my ways , because they were so interesting , so full of wisdom and happy. They were genuinely happy , they weren't rich , but they were rich... in experience , in life. And then here are people who pretend to be happy by constantly throwing their material things into conversation , no matter how little sense it has.

I don´t want to own a car , or a villa , or what ever. I want to go to Machu Picchu ,to the Great Wall , I want to work on one of those expedition ships that go to Greenland or some other wild place , I want to go to Nuuk the capital of Greenland. I want this wild stuff , owning a car... sorry , that is nothing special to me.

Wow... didn't intend to write this , actually I intended only to write "Day 13" and that´s it , but it all just came out.

Am a free bird and I'm unhappy , I was never so unhappy in my life like now and never so happy like every Saturday and Sunday as I work on my self. But I know now that this cage of mine is in my mind and my thought are the bars.

[misko55]

Day 14 - 2 weeks , it should be a monumental moment , you know , making a full circle. So much structure we need , said it like that , Yoda would.It´s just 14 days , that is nothing and everything in the same time.

I see that many people here would like to make youtube videos or blogging , something creative

Well I am too

So I got to ask , if anybody here is interested in that if they would like to join the forces and learn it with me

if so , please PM me.

Yesterday I failed , did not meditated , I used up so much of my energy during the weekend that I just couldn't keep my eyes open yesterday and ignored all of the things I wanted to do and just went to bed. Today I was a bit depressed and procrastinating , going slowly insane from my current situation , afraid. That´s what I am , to make that move , that step , and start to live. No job is going to satisfy me , they are waste of time , and you do not waste time , you don´t get it back.

I might fail , but I will never lose , I win or I learn and eventually I will lose , just like everybody else , we all do , death cannot be cheated. The time is now , it will never be perfect ,I will never be 100% ready. So I will start blogging , why? I know am ready.

Just few hours ago I was sitting in front of my laptop not knowing what to do with myself , feeling sorry and all that , but I pushed through and started completing tasks on my list. And they aren't that hard like I thought they would be , I wanted to buy something to eat because of a bad planning and no will to cook , but I didn't , I stick by my diet and today I had a conversation with one of the teachers in my school about my situation and I owned my mistakes. I usually push them on the others but the truth is ,my work is not bad , they are good people , they are just Germans , they stick by they rules and are not very flexible , but they did accepted me , they did give me a chance and I did saw what am getting myself into and still went with it.

I would manipulate , I would lie , I would make up stories , I would do anything to put the blame on others so that my ego doesn't get hurt. I stopped with that. Am far away from enlightenment , for me it is as far as in another galaxy , but I´m getting there , slowly and there is a visible progress.

I fucked up , it is all me.

I am afraid , hell , I am petrified , just like so many people I went also through that brainwashing that we know as education and I was postponing quiting because it gives me security. Everybody is afraid , even admitting that you are afraid is ... scary , what are the other people going to think about me , screw that. Everybody is afraid and that is why they stay at their jobs.

Am going to learn this blogging thing and about passive income and about youtube channels. I will learn it in the only way I know how to learn and that is by doing. I´m going to fail at first , I know I will , that is how you learn , and yeah , I´m afraid of that , but so many of you are as well , so many of you want this like I do , but don´t do it because it's scary , so that is why I propose to learn together , any volunteers?

Come on , let´s get that "hold my beer moment"!!

 

I am grateful to my friend Dario who gave me a link to Leo´s site and I´m grateful to Leo as well (that man talks sense) also I´m grateful to @Anna Konstantaki who apparently read this entries and 15 days ago posted a question here if am still alive. Well , I was gaming , getting back to my distractions and she had the audacity to pull me back into this painful proces of actually doing something valuable with my life. Jeez , thanks!!  

[Anna Konstantaki]

[misko55]

Day 15

I started planning my days ahead ,a day before and in the morning I just look at my plans and reflect on them , visualize them , visualize doing them , getting the short term goal (like running 5 km) and then the true goal (running a half-maraton) and sometimes when I´m cocky even bigger dreams than that (Running an Ironman). It helps , today I achieved all of my plans and I still feel like I procrastinated too much.

I´m too hard on my self , I mean I do fall , like I did this Tuesday , but today is Thursday and I'm already up and running. Every Time I fall I pick my self up a little bit faster.

I forget where I was just 6 years ago after a very messy break up that left quite a number on me and changed my life forever.I was depressed to the point that I didn't care about my hygiene or anything for that matter.

Today I fall , but my hygiene remains top notch , I do my exercises and I eat healthy , I just don´t meditate or read a book , do my German or play my guitar like I would like , but when I fall I´m on a level that is soooo much higher then where I was just 6 years ago. Need to accept that and I did rewatche Leos video today about peel performance , I just need to accept it that I have to build it first and falling back is part of the process.

Anyways , I'm grateful to be a European , because I could of been born somewhere else where actualization wouldn't be my top priority... that is if I would still be alive. Let´s face it , we got it easy , sitting in front of a 8 months old laptop in my warm home with food on my plate complaining about my safe job that pays regularly. 

[misko55]

Day 16

Had a good day at work , I spoke with my boss about the problems that I have and I am actually very pleased with how that talk went , so , I will have a better shift , better working hours and more time for actualization.Even now , since I eliminated gaming , I'm doing quite alright.

Can´t wait for tomorrow , it´s Saturday and that means... I´m going somewhere , well , tomorrow I´m going to this shopping centar that I heard about , but still didn't visit. I thought about going to the forrest first but as I discovered, as I brainstormed about ideas for blog or youtube videos , my cameras battery is terrible , it drains within a minute , when I try to film stuff.

So tomorrow is business with pleasure , going to for curiosity , to take a few pics before the battery dies and look at the prices for a new camera.

I'm grateful to be awake to this life's opportunities.

[misko55]

Day 17

Paunsdorf Center , I was there , the shopping centar. Well it is big , it does have some interesting stuff (If I had a car I would come back home with ping-pong table and a tent) and I bought a book , 100 things to do in Saxony. I wanted yesterday to write that I have an idea about blog. Writing about traveling and I did find some gems here so I thought about traveling and writing about East Germany , it is not a very popular destination and does have a bad rap , but I live here now and I don want to travel , so why not start with Leipzig and the Free State of Saxony.

I am on my 15 out of 30 days planking challange and did all of the things I planned.

I´m grateful for all the experience that I had , good or bad , it put me on this track.

[misko55]

Day 18

Training: Done

Meditating 20 min: Done

Running: Done

Planking: Done

Nutrition: Plane , but healthy

Reading: Done

Cleaning: Done

Guitar: Done

This journal: Done

Yeah , running out of inspiration. Writing everyday , means that not enough interesting shit happens to write about

I´m grateful... just grateful , trust me  

[misko55]

Day 19 

Yesterday I had a feeling like I put my self through too much pace , especially with working out , and today I got confirmation that I should listen to my body. I feel exhausted and I am also sick.

I guess I also have to work on my patience.

[misko55]

Day 20

People , be grateful for your health , it is so easy to take for granted. Even a small flu can hinder you in your progress.

Still , even with headache I did some of my goals , too weak to do them all , but I did try to do them anyway and I had a perfect excuse right here.

[misko55]

Day 21 - Goo--ooo-ot too--oo-o ke-ee-ep the jouuurnaaaal!!! Got to keep the journal

It´s 3 weeks of not playing games and in a few days it will be the longest voluntarily time without playing games.

I'm exhausted , catched a cold on Monday but today I am better , which is cool since , I don´t really get sick often , but when I do , I get cold and it lasts for 2 weeks. Always.

I really want to play games now , didn't think about them much , except when I write this journal , since I do start with a number that represents the days I didn't play , but today I really want it. I over did my training on Saturday and bite off more than I can chew , but last time that I got to 3 weeks of not playing I was also exhausted and scumbled to it.

I wouldn't be surprised if this exhaustion is from my psychology trying to get a quick fix , it was the same deal that time , when I stumbled back to playing games. I also watched this channel Game quitters , that is the place I got the idea about this 90 day detox and he warned that at one moment our brain will want to play games , despite the fact that we want to do something else and at that moment we are going to be very low energy and boy , if my energy was any lower I would be dead.

Practicing mindfulness and observing my self , I do feel a bit ashamed , since I am behaving like a junkie and addict and... I am. That is way I need to do this 90 days to restart and this is reinforcing my will to fight it , because I know that that road has nothing new or good to offer , but this one , especially when I kick this addiction off , has. And that is why I need this journal and that number in the top left corner more than ever.

Anyway , with this low energy I did not do my tasks as I wanted to do them , but that is okay , because currently I'm fighting a big and important battle and should I win it , I know there will be time for all the other stuff as well. Now ,I just got this crazy feeling that the next few days are going to be very hard.

I used to be depressed , now I got myself to a certain degree of control , I use to not care about my hygiene , now there is no way I would let myself down in that regard , I ate kebabs and burgers , now fruits and vegetables , I use to sit all day in front of my PC , now I work out. This are the habits that I developed over time and I have stick by them , even now in this moment.

Learning , reading , meditating ,taking regular walks , all work in progress , but from Oktober to February I had problems with maintaining hygiene , eating healthy and working out , now they are a habit.

What I want to say is , sometimes I am to hard on my self , gotta put things into perspective. Rome wasn't built in a day and neither were this habits , but now , even when I am exhausted I stick by them and I know , with time I will stick by others. But now , lets kick this addiction goodbye.

[misko55]

Day 22 - The lazy day

I took a little break and had a lazy day. And even my lazy day was so much more productive then my regular days just a year ago.I have been so lazy and always has an excuse for everything that now that my body was telling me to rest I took it as me trying to be lazy again or just as an excuse.

Well i learn that I need to listen to my body , if it needs a break day , give it a day break. Otherwise you get sick and then lose more days then just one. Thankfully I just lost 4 days , probably this whole week just getting back in the game and recovering , but yeah , could of been worse.

With tomorrow I am returning to my rutines.

[misko55]

Day 25

So I took a little break from writing my journal. Well I was recovering from cold , I still worked and went to school so it drained me quite a lot , but it was interesting experience to be sick and my weaker will still fighting to uphold some of my new habits like eating healthy and working out. That made me glad , I only scumbled on Friday after work with nutrition as I was so tired from this week and my sickness that I made an error in planning my meals and had 10 min before stores closing time to pick something up and I choose badly.

So my priority ,not playing video games , is going great. I had a bit of withdrawal symptom and I also think that me catching a cold was a bit more on a psychological side then just catching a cold. But I endured it and more I think about after this 90 days , I think I will continue not playing.

So how the rest of the things are going:

1.Health and enlighment: Pretty good , I´m happy how it is developing

Eating healthy- at first I was restricting my self with some of the food and think , do this or that and then you will reward yourself. But that is stupid , everyday that I eat healthy , I AM rewarding my self. So there are no restrictions. KFZ , if I want it I can eat it , chocolade , no problem , buy, enjoy. Do I do it , no. I do get my self an occasional chocolate but , it's negligible, like once in 2 weeks.

Working out- I do have a problem here and it is not the one you think. I over do it. I have problem from over training. I need to keep my self from not working out to much , even today , I did my 23/30 day of planking challenge and said that was all for today , yet I keep watching my weights and really want to work out more

Meditation Priority: Now this two up , I´m no longer concerned with them , I am eating healthy since January and work out since February and it is safe to say that this habits have sticked. Meditation , I still fight with it and that is way this is my priority here now. I plan to develop meditation habit and once it is set use meditation as main tool to relax , effectively replacing video games , TV series and those stupid Youtube videos (but later on that). Still I do meditate quite regularly but it gets broken someday and I want it to be everyday habit.

2.Busness: After video game priority, just above meditation, is this one.

German language: It is the priority , if I want to give my self more chances and escape my job. I´m actually pretty good here , I´m on 11 day streak of doing it actively and there is quite a progress in just these 11 days. But let´s get it to at least 30 before I can say that I got it as a habit and can use it to find a better or closer job that will give me more time to develop before jumping into working for myself only.

Second thing here is learning about blogs , making youtube videos and passive income in general. Currently it is not a priority it is when I have time , just putting some ground work. I do read about it every week , currently I think it is okay , but I will need to increase the intensity here really soon.

3. Personal life has improved

I´m taking walks , great. Every Saturday I go somewhere (this one I was with friends (it still counts  ) and next I will visit a theme park here in Leipzig with friends))

I have learned some new stuff on my guitar , but still I could do and want to do so much more here

And I hava a bucket list that I wrote 2 months ago , so I looked at it to see if I could eliminate something from it and I found "learn all the countrys in the world" So , this is realistic and so I did it. I took a test at the end and I scored 181 out of 196 countrys in the world. Oceania is really pain in the ass , but soon I will be able to cross it of and be just a bit more worldly. Now why did I do it... I wanted to. Still better then playing games

And reading... I have installed it...to a point. It´s not every day like I would like it , but it is quite regular.

Wasteful activities: Pc games , well , day 25 , we can say it is going great

Watching TV series: I want to eliminate that as well , still watch few and with me focusing on my battle with gaming , this one will keep making me feel bad about how I could of done something better , but plan is after my 3 weeks of holiday time (I expect that having a lot of free time is going to challange me to play games) to combat this one with meditation. By then I expect to not have any video games withdrawal symptoms and it will be a middle of the summer when there is nothing good on TV , so why not use that situation.

Youtube videos: I watch more and more educational stuff here + Leo but still watch some crap as well. But let´s get the big boys (PC and TV) out of the picture first and then deal with this.

 

Anyway , in this short time, my life has improved dramatically and I just cleaned up in front of my yard , I didn't even touch inside. I´m on a good path , my mood is better I haven´t been depressed in weeks and just find this world of ours to be beautiful , when I walk I actually smell the flowers and enjoy seeing the blue sky and trees , it is a new sensation for me , I use to just go from point A to point B as fast as possible.

 

Peace  

 

[misko55]

Day 26

Today life interrupted my negativity. I woke up and said , today is going to be a great day , an hour later while going to my job I went back to my standard negativity and strong negative emotions about it , but then a mother gus and a dozen of young ducks appeared and it was quite a beautiful sight , seeing them , going around their own business. It made my day.

Working part was standard , every Monday i have a headache but I cope with my work , I´m not letting it win , just 7 more weeks and 24.6. is here.

Aside from that , they offered me a two pair of Schnichels and bread(Brotchen) which I wanted to eat , but I declined , because it doesn't go with my new nutrition values. Also did my German lessons , planking and meditating , which is new. In this shift I usually almost always fail on Mondays , they just kill me and I don´t remember the last Monday I manage to force my self to meditate... or learn , let alone all two of those plus working out.

Slow and steady wins the race , progress is here and it is visible.

I am grateful to be part of this new raising community , new thought on life and cannot wait for the day when I will be able to help other people achieve their own dreams. I think that is the meaning of life , improving , working on yourself and helping your fellow human to do the same.

 

 

[misko55]

Day 27

Today is 10.5. or for Americans 5.10. I didn't even notice until I went to check my calendar to see how much longer I need to tolerate my job (Just 9180 min). On this day six years ago was the day I broke down and my life changed forever.

10.05.2010 was a beautiful day , I went to collage , we had a law exam , I didn´t study but I went. The test was , circle the correct answer , so I did it randomy and I passed. Out of 100 and something people only 24 of US have passed the test, And the Ivana , my first love , contacted me to congratulate and that texting over fb went so bad so soon ,I loved her ,  I thought i could help her (she was molested by her father when she was a child) instead I got destroyed as she told me that she loved someone else and was seeing him. I took it as cheating cause , I don´t know if just blew it out of proportions , when I look back at it in retrospective. And even now I´m not prepared to say the whole story.

I still remember that text , that feeling in my guts , my room was by the kitchen , I still remember the smell of onions as my father was cutting them and preparing Bolognese , that day was also the last day of season 5 of M.D. House. You know when Wilson gets him to psychiatric care as Rolling Stones As tears go by play. I know I used up my strength not to , that day.

I put so much blame on to that day , I was always depressed as that day would roll up. But not today , today I own all my mistakes and future decisions.

That was the best worst thing that happened to me. I did had to re-learn the lesson about her as she came back apologizing, only to hurt me a year later , but I learned it. For 3 months I had this feeling of a invisible knife stuck in my heart , I would run until I would throw up , because pain felt so good , when I was in pain , that invisible knife would be gone , for that short time. The day I tried something very stupid , to end it all , is the day I said " Fuck it , now I will do something I want" And I started my 6 year journey of playing the guitar. Something so beautiful came from something so ugly , as in the beginning I enjoyed how strings would cut deep in my fingers , bringing that sweet , sweet pain , the best feeling that I could get at the time.

And now , I don´t remember much about that pain , just that it was painful , but that´s it. I wouldn't even notice it if I wasn't in another type of pain , my job that gives me headaches and today I even felt a bit of pain in my heart ( I have a heart condition). But it will pass , this pain will pass.

I found a free volunteering in Africa for about 10 months , that is on my bucket list and I am thinking about it. It goes with my values , it could teach me a lot and I would have a heck of a story to start that blog.

Anyways , today I am too tired , but tomorrow I intend to get my self on Linkedin and start building my own thing , I will never know what exactly I want if I don´t move my ass.

[misko55]

Day 28 -4 weeks

Very low energy day , did nothing. Well , I did my planking and I can actually see some abs forming. Aside from that and a little bit of German and getting on Linkedin , I did nothing. Just watched some Youtube videos.

Wednesdays kill me , I have school that is all about that job that I have no interest about , anymore. Pretty much had a headache for the whole day and my eyes are burning. I have actually noticed that my eye sight is worse since my work is done on computer.

Headaches, I can ignore , but this burning in my eyes and them being heavy and jet couldn´t fall asleep for a nap, meant that today is lost , but there is always tomorrow.

[misko55]

Day 29

I don´t want to write this , but it is the only thing keeping me in the game. Another miserable day , my headache is terrible , my eyes are heavy , this plays and feels like depression. Even this 2 school days were terrible and they are usually good , but a thought about tomorrow about going back to work brings tears to my eyes.

The restriction , the mundane ,the lack of ambition in that place. That is not a place for a creative person , but... I don´t even believe that I am creative anymore. It has been such a long time since I created something , since i wrote a song , or wrote... anything beside this journal.

I look at all the old places , finding a new job or going back to the cruise ship. I did loved that job , but I don´t know if that is moving forwards or running from a problem. But I know that things need to change soon , I am about to snap.

It´s days like this that I want to play games , now I know how I got stuck into it , because my job was shit from get-go , but playing games after working hours made it more bearable. Today I manage not to play , and the cost was my nutrition as I ate in school canteen and chinese in the evening but I manage to battle against all 3 moments that I really badly wanted to eat chocolate.

Everytime that I make progress my dead weight job hits me with the same intensity that I tried to break free. And then I fall , I feel bad , I get up and hit harder and then get hit harder and rinse and repeat. I had bad days , but this time , I think it broke me , I can´t concentrate no longer , 20 min of meditation feels like days , the simplest of tasks feel like climbing Mt. Everest.

It´is that 24.6. , I don´t know if I can hold the fort until then , but I want to , my parents will come here , I so much want to do something nice for them , for a change.

30 of May, I will be back in Dresden and I will tell to my counsellor that after June the 24, when my vacation starts , I´m not returning to that job.

I just hope I can do this 6 more weeks because I feel like I can´t , all I want to do is quit , quit this rat race. I almost got hit by a car on Tuesday and I thought to my self... if this is how the rest of my life is going to be , I'm okay with dying right now.

This next 6 weeks are going to be a messy affair and I forgive myself in advance for all the quick fixes I am going to probably scumble to , but I promise myself that I will fight them to the best of my abilities , that I will fight so that I give that beautiful vacation to my parents , because they deserve it , they always supported me ,no matter what ,so I will fight for them , but when that is all said and done , I promise myself that this time I will not fold , I will quite my job and I´ll start fighting to earn money from writing and have a great life.

[misko55]

And this is why I love this journal!!! I put my thought on the paper and then they are true. I started writing one thing and ended with a little battle cry at the end , which pushed me to go do my German today , which pushed me to instead of watching some crap to distract my self to see a new video from a guy who makes videos about learning languages , he speaks quite a lot of them , give sound advice and after every of his videos I get pumped out to learn more then I intended.

And then , there it was... a glorious , precious , creative idea... and all of the sudden the headache is gone ,mood is up , motivation on the green and ready and here I am in a working mode. 

It just goes to show that idea is more powerful than anything in this world!  

Keep writing this journals , keep meditating , keep fighting people!!