No More Dreaming , Time To Build.

[misko55]

Interesting week , very interesting week. Normally I do Mon , Tues and Fri my job and on Wed and Thr it´s school. Well on Tuesday I got to work and my eyes almost water when I saw the schkedule. No school this week , working every day. Funny thing , as I observe myself , being mindful I see my ego fighting against the change.All of a sudden my job is not so bad and you can do it and people in my work place did acepte me , just when they  say my name there is this voice " Do you really want to leave?" Well , yeah , I do.

Anyways , working from 10-19 has taken it´s drain on me and my meditation failed completely , but my eating habits and work out habits sticked , so , hurra!! Not a complete failure

Well tomorrow is going to be also an interesting day , after thinking about all this , I´m changing my approached to this actualization , because this one took me as far as it could (pretty much from reverse into neutral) and now is time to take it up a notch.

[misko55]

So I finished a 30 day get in shape challenge and 30 day abs challenge and did drop from around 20-21% body fat to 19%. My goal is 15% by the summer.

And as I started to look for a new job my ego does fight it , it comes from a place of fear and comfort , but it does have a few good points. In 2013 I would sleep till 17:00 , or 5 PM for Americans and play Football manager , rage , play it more and then go to sleep. I was around 2 000$ heavy from my cruise ship times. In 2014 I improved , would get up at 12 and play other video games and dream.Today I still have those dollars and around 2000€ , live in Germany , have my apartment , know another language , my third , eat healthier , work out and hold a steady job. So yeah , it got some good points that I should be less critical about my self and just stop for a moment , enjoy it , take faith and heart from it and then continue.

When I look back , I know now that everything is possible and that I am more capable then I think I am , I did suffer from depression for years and low self worth.

Now people usually shake their heads when I say this and my friends encourage me , but I want to be a freelancer. Two things interest me , two I wanted for so long , be a writer and be a stand-up comedian. I have a great talent of being balanced , I´m a very funny guy , that is my rep ,but also very serious and philosophical. Now I don´t know if both are achivable but at this moment it doesn´t matter.

To get there first I want to get back to the best job I ever hold and got fired for stupidity as I argued with my supervisor , tourist animator. It requires creativity , gives a great stories to write and you work on a stage where I could prep my self for stand-up.

Now to get that job for sure , I need a really good third language and that for me is German. I´m learning it for a year and to make sure I got it I want to stay here in Germany for another year or two , but not at my current job. That´s why I have sent my CV and motivational letter for traineeship (Ausbildung) in tourism and marketing , thinking that any of this two jobs could give me necessary sklls for future. As I made my blog I realized , I don´t know how to market it and just writing is not enough.

And that is my current plan that I intend to achieve by 24th of June , get a new job. And that job is not going to make me happy , I know that and by the end I'm probably going to hate it , because this world is not for people like me. When I work and look out the window and see the sun , I know I´m missing the best part of the day , for nothing. But it is going to be a job and a school which is going to put me in the right direction and then I´m going from this hell hole , because that is Germany for you , Arbeit ,arbeit ,arbeit , hell even the most popular games here are bloody simulators , after a working day is over an average Germans plugs in to play someone else's job. To hell with that mentality , I want to live, not exist

[misko55]

I quitted my job and as I went home I singed , danced , laughed. People looked at me like I´m crazy , but I was alive , light like the wind. Even the dog that barks everyday at me, looked at me a little strange, until I started to bark at him , hahaha , so stupid , it just came to me and I barked at a very confused dog. I did that walk , like Jim Carry´s character , Ace Ventura , I walked like I own the world , baby!!

And then I came to the train station and i pulled out of it. Brain does not distinguish fiction from reality and although I did that walk , this story is not completely true. I didn't quite , but I thought about it like I always do and my mind just went into a "happy mode" of sorts.

As I said earlier , there is a plan and quitting now , today or tomorrow is not on it. I´m so close to pulling myself in the right direction and no matter how many negative emotions my job gives me I have to endure ,the finish line is close. I did this before , just quitted out of a blue moments before I was close to getting the ticket to paradise. Not this time , I have grown , I have developed , I am mature and this is my trial , I have to endure. And I´m winning , I smile ,I keep meditating ,eating healthy and working out. Job can put me down for a day or two , but can´t keep me. My meditations are a fight , not perfect , but they aren't meant to be perfect , are they? They give me strength to fight ,to believe and to work.

As I stood on that platform I knew that there is no "meaning of life" or "American dream" that can be copy and pasted to everybody. There isn´t one , we made it ourselves up.The truth is life is meaningless , dirty and unfair and one day this body will die and nobody is going to remember me or what I did or stood for. And I´m okay with that.

Opening my e-mail while still having some taste of my dream in my mind I got several emails from my social worker as she send job applications on my behalf to tourism jobs, the next step on my plan. Was this a sign or I want it to be the sign!?!

I don´t know , what I know is that I don´t know anything , maybe it is , maybe it isn't , or maybe it is that luck follows the brave and the stupid.

And then came this , I was thinking a lot about death recently and how I want to die and then on Sunday or Monday I read it here on someones journal about this exact topic.

I don´t know the details how I want to die , but just like everybody I came to this world blooded , crying and fighting for my first breath and that is how I want to go , blooded , crying and fighting for my last breath. My whole life is a battle , a losing one (maybe it will turn) , but I always fought , when I stood the chance and when I didn't and when I knew that it could destroy me , I would fight it. I cried , I was depressed , I was so many times lying on the floor , but would get up , pick myself up and continue fighting , it is the only thing I know.

This thought came after reading about that Russian officer that got surrounded by ISIS and called an airstrike on himself. I envy him , he died for something he believed. He died for something and so many people just die , that´s it. And then , he wasn´t like " oh omg my job sucks"

So yeah , I love living , I love the smell of air after the rain and I loved myself today as I cheerfully walked home , dancing and singing ,being myself and free , at least for a moment. Love y´all.

[Anna Konstantaki]

On 3.4.2016 at 0:59 PM, misko55 said:

I don´t know the details how I want to die , but just like everybody I came to this world blooded , crying and fighting for my first breath and that is how I want to go , blooded , crying and fighting for my last breath. 

A really good general does also know how to surrender in some occasions but if it makes you happy... Interesting approach however. I wish you all best to win the battle.

[misko55]

@Anna Konstantaki , surrender is not an option , but I get what you wanted to say. It´s retreating and choosing your battles and yeah , I learned that the hard way , still learning.

[misko55]

So the shit hit the fan , I´m about to get fired?? I don't know, it was a confusing day.

I thought about writing about my general day , how it goes , so that I can remember that, sometimes we forget about some thing and I wanted to remember this one and the choices that I make.

Well , school had called Mordor today , I mean my work place ( honest mistake  ) and told my Ausbilder (no clue how to translate that (google says instructor but.. yes and no)) that I stopped going to school for about a month ago.So , me , someone who could of become the world champion in lying ,didn't lie in this situation. So I told the truth , well partial , I still have my interests at heart. I was hoping to get fired , but nope , if anything as I was waiting for someone to call me to some meeting and "justify myself" or some other shit , a collage came in and I had to sign some shit paper that I will attend some kind of presentation tomorrow. I remembered that , it was announced in February , I did not signed it because 1) Saturday...fuck no , and 2) I didn't expect to still be here.

So recap , I'm still employed , will waste tomorrow and I have my social worker on my ass for not going to school and saying the truth , fun times.

Now why don´t I want to go to school?? Because we have tests every fucking class and I hate it , I hate school , I love learning , learning is beautiful , this is not learning , there is no creativity in it , there is no wonder , it's smithing us into something to fit society. Now that shit could of worked back in the days , but now , I´m a 25 year old male and all I want is to break this chains. I'm all over the place.

Pretty content with my life and happy and then I suddenly become depressed during the working hours. 12h a day , what a lose and I work from 10-19. Every friday I hope for a change in shift to 8 , so I could have something of a day , but no. I sit there , look through the window and thing "Damn , I´m missing on the best part of the day".

And this people want me to answer why I don´t go to school and now I have to come up with a (for them) satisfying answer , because there are , I thing , to far gone and their minds are limited (not their fault).

And I´m sitting here , thinking , where did it all go wrong?? Why am I not fired?? I mean how did I manage to screw that up that badly that not only that  am I not fired , but tomorrow's plan of going for a jog , google about healthy recipes , meditating in the park and learning a song on a guitar is changed to wasting 8 hours away while sitting and listening to some living dead people.

 

[Anna Konstantaki]

Did you die at the office? Haven´t heard from you in a while now... Give us an update these days. Hope you´re ok.

[misko55]

@Anna Konstantaki ... wow , do I have a fan?  

Unfortunately , no , I didn't die. This friday I have a meeting with my employer and my social worker is going to be present as well and I have no clue in which direction that is going to go. I kinda stopped writing since , the goal was to motivate others and it turned into me , being very negative about my working enviroment. The funny thing is , just a few months ago I loved my job and I started to think how I got from there to here and it was , Actualized.org.

When I started this actualization thing it clashed with my job and working on my self , changing things , I realized , I can´t do it while my job keeps reseting me. They put me in this shift from 10-19 and I don´t have time for anything , it comes down to meditationg or working out , or doing both very badly.

So I´m a bit depressed right now. And everytime , before some mayor decisions, I become unresponsive. Just watch videos ,play games ,avoid everything and everybody.

When I thing what I really want , it comes down to having someone who would know me inside and out , take her hand , my guitar and just wonder around the world. I don´t like routine and the only things I am ready to commit to are people. I don´t change them , I find good people I keep them , everything else is not important. So German mentality is killing me , I haven´t meet a single person here that is interesting. They all are bloody boring , just talk about their work and I don´t see that spark in their eyes , you know , the life.

Everything here is just dull and boring , grey and all I want is to quite this rat race for material goods and be happy , free. And I don´t know how to achive it.

 

[misko55]

Day 1 PG.

Wait what? Well am back baby! Lost a bit of control there , spiraled out of control , to deal with my job I returned to playing games to numb my self down and that lead down a very familiar route , which ended up with me stopping to meditate. Thankfully my eating habits and working out took minimal hits in this epizode of mine.

Any ways , day 1 PG (Postus Gamigus) as I have again , yesterday, uninstalled everything and started a 90 day detox , which should lead to elimination of that habit and also , eliminating is not enough , now I need activities to replace it.

So today was pretty solid , immediately did my workout in the morning (still at 18,7% body fat ,which is a good thing since I did let my self go a little bit), and did my 20 minute meditation since I don´t remember when , it has to be a month since I manage to do full 20 mins. Did more research about food and apparently I´m on a good path , but if any of you who are going to read this have any nice , cheap and fast recipes to share , please do.

Took a walk around the near by lake and then in the evening took another one , it is a nice calming experience. Cleaned up the apartment and played my guitar. Still , am back on track. It was this journal that got me back , yesterday I re read what I wrote and re read this whole journal and remember how good my life was and days when I was actively doing something important to me , instead of wasting time. It was fear that took over me , I do want to quite my job , but on the other hand , what if this was the best one I ever had??Tomorrow I have that talk in my firm and... I need to be strong and stand by my principles. I need it ti go towards end , I would more than gladly do my 30 days after quitting (to buy myself time) that would be actually a perfect scenario , but I need to control my fear and not just fold and stay there.

So I will write here everyday , because , it helps. I need to work on my will power , in the mean time , this will do.

And to combat my recent negativity , I'm will be ending my posts with "I'm grateful...."

So , I'm grateful to video games , they thought me a lot , English language and culture , some amazing stories , fast decision making , hell , even reflexis , friends. It was a great time , but was. .. time to move on , they played (aaa , love puns ) their part and now is time to put those things I learned to good use. 

[misko55]

Day 2.

Didn't play... well it would be really defeting if I did. Anyways I had my talk with my bosses along side my social worker. Apparently it is a bit harder to get a job in the office since Germans just love this kind of work and no one replied to my motivational letters. Had a talk and for now I´m still here. I said my problems and responses were quite positive , they want me to stay , think that I do my job well and said that they will find solutions to my problems.Today was pretty great , had a lot to do and people started to work with me , I wasn't bored for a second. I thought about alternative , about where I was before this job came along and the answer was in my small room , living with parents , eating unhealthy , playing games all day.

This job gives me money which I´m investing in doing self actualization and I want to be fluent in German and in the words of Carly Rae Jepson "I really really reallly reallly really really want to learn German and to be fluen , be fluent , be fluent , too". I´m joking , she really really really reallly really really wants me. But I don´t find here interesting... poor thing.

So I decided with my social worker to keep sending motivational letter but I will monitor this situation and give my new Ausbilder (my boss ,instructor) since he did start at this function just a couple of weeks ago and thought that everything is fine with me.

Aside from that , I´m starting a 30 day planking challenge , I'm looking to start aikido here in Leipzig (to meet more people) or maybe just take extra German lessons here and meet equally out of place people. And plan to take a little trip somewhere every Saturday , tomorrow I plan on just taking the nr. 9 tram and drive till the end or until I see something interesting. I always wanted to be that guy who does that and despite staying in the office job I don´t plan to let my soul and my dream die.

And the end with... I´m grateful...

Well I'm grateful to my social worker / counselor (the word in German is:Betreuerin) she had to choose 33 people for this project ,6 from Croatia and she choose me. I learned a whole new language for free , discovered two beautiful cities of Leipzig and Dresden (both weren't on my map to visit them) and overall great experience.As I said before , when she choose me I was , eating unhealthy , getting fat , unmotivated , depressed , played video games all day , sleep until noon... yeah... and today I´m here. I wouldn't do all this changing work if I didn't come here to live on my own.There will be a day when I will leave this job , but that day is not today , I always want things NOW and then give up when I don´t get them fast enough. I just started this journey , perhaps still having some training wheels is not so bad. Time for my meditaion.

Tomorrow is going to be a long day , so much work to do on breaking down my confort zone and building up my will power. So much work to do , I did like a month or something and thought I got the hang of it... ahhh ego...you so silly.

[Anna Konstantaki]

Here comes the pheonix... Nice, nice...  Good to see you´re back on track.

[misko55]

Thx @Anna Konstantaki , appreciate you reading and commenting.

Day 3 - The return of the temptation.

Started a new morning routine. In the past I watched quite a lot of TV shows , I got used to , whenever I would I eat , I would do it in front of my PC watching something. I cut down on TV series , but I would still watch youtube when I would eat. So with the start of the month I decided to stop watching youtube during my snacks (2nd and 4th meal). Today I started a new morning routine , during breakfast , instead of watching something and starting my day that way , I eat with a piece of paper on which I plan my day.

Now today I did everything I planned except for going out and exploring , but I got a good excuse for that. I skyped with my friends from back home , didn't hear in a while and they called me to come to skype and play an online game. And this is "the return of the temptation" part. I turned it down and suggested just skyping , so we did that. It was nice hearing from them.

Meditation done first thing in the morning full 20mins.

Training , done

First day of the 30 day planking challange , done

Running , done

Playing the guitar , done

Learning German , done

Pretty good day , especially when I remember my last Saturday. Played War Thunder.... whole day.

I did watch a TV series today , a few episodes more then usually , but with gaming gone I have a lot of free time and honestly , I have a low energy since gaming is my go to thing under stress or boredom. I learned from this relapse that I went full speed with my change and the just run out of steam and returned to what I know.This time , I´m taking my time , building momentum. Last time I did like 2h of German ,set a high goal , saw that I´m not gonna achieve it on time , gave up , returned to playing games. Today I did 3 lessons only (15 min) and for the rest of the month that is the amount of time I will do it until I reach better stamina to do it more

I´m grateful for my friends.I don´t really deserve them , I tried more to be the leader of the group then their friend. They accepted me , they support me , they wish I was in Zagreb so we could hang out, but know why am here , it's kinda nice to be wanted. They accepted immediately that I´m on a 90 day detox from gaming and no problems there. 2 more months and vacation. Can wait to see them , we already planned a visit to a coastal town of Crikvenica in Croatia for a sunny day at a beach. I just love them.

[misko55]

Day 4 - Low energy day

Did my new morning routine , write what to do today and did it. In the end I did a lot of those things just because I wrote them down.

Procrastinated a lot , no more playing games gave me a lot of free time and emptiness that needs to be filled. By gaming I mean also not watching youtube about gaming. With the first day of this 2016 I stopped playing my biggest addiction War Thunder for the whole 3 months before relapse and that relapse was because I still watched youtube. At one point I didn't play anything for 3 weeks , but still watched some game related content on youtube and it triggered me as I battled my depression about my office job.

Speaking of which , tomorrow we do this shit all over again. Let´s see if this will change or is it just going to slide back to old. I have my self under control , I think about what is important to me and that is to learn German so I could get the job I want , but I would rather that things change at my current job then search for a new one. Still , that keeps my head above the water , knowing that the moment I pass that final exam , I'm quitting and there is no way nobody is ever putting me into a prison... I mean office (Is there really any difference between those two?) ever again. Anyways since I no longer care about my job it´s easier to be there and not be so under stress. I mean what is the worst they could do to me?? Fire me?? Haha , it would be more a blessing in disguise than a punishment. Also I wanted to quit , they accepted every problem that I had and said they would find a solution since they want me to stay ,so I would say I have an upper hand here.

Also a bit of an irony. I started to make a plan how to plan better.

[misko55]

Day 5

Didn't think to write anything today , but I did forgot yesterday to write that I'm grateful for the time we are living. It sucks , but it sucks less. Yeah , people like Trump are being put in the same sentence with the word "President" and hell , there are even some people who would vote for that. But still , there are some awesome content on the internet that is available to us all for free made by some awesome people that give us a faster know-how to work on ourselves. I think that people are more and more waking up. And I am grateful for that and for being part of it and hope that I will be able to repay it to others.

[misko55]

Day 6

This morning I saw 2 boys , probably aged 10-12, waiting for friends at the bus station. As they waited they waved at the passing cars. I was surprised , I thought they would get mostly ignored , they did by some , but the number of drivers that waved back was , much bigger then I expected. In a strange way , this moment gived me hope for humanity.

My job no longer affects me privately , I know that the moment an opportunity presents itself to jump ships I´ll take it , it´s easy to be there now that I no longer care. I look at what this job gives me , an experience to know what I don´t want , forces me to use my German and there for learn it , time and money to live here on my own , with my thoughts and work on myself.

For a moment I was afraid that I folded , that if things do get to change for the better at my work I will stay there because it's comfortable. But today they were really mean to this new girl Katja (I think I wrote about her). I could see her fighting the tears , it was cruel in my opinion. She did make a few mistakes , but , there are leaders and then there are bosses. And this guys are not leader material. Some people deserve each other and people in my workplace are constantly talking behind each other backs , gossiping and being miserable , think about quitting and then they don´t. So there is no way I will stay there for long , but now , now I´m learning. Observing what not to be.

I already lost one job because I defended a girl from a bad boss, today I manage to keep my mouth shut , but I wanted to tell them what they deserve to know. The problem is I love to argue , my ego kicks in ,and my observation skills kill other peoples egos.I usually win an argument but lose a person, so I try not to argue. I don´t know if me not standing up for her is a win or a lose , I think it is more a lose.

I know that she knows that am on her side here and honestly if today is not going to be an isolated incident I see my self blowing up. I don´t stand for injustice.

It´s hard to find things to be grateful everyday but: I´m grateful to my parents. I don't know why , but I remembered when I was only 4 years old and my legs were shaking uncontrollably , I was afraid and my father put his hand on my leg and tried to stop it from shaking. They were comforting me , my mother and father trying to protect me from the things that were happening , despite the fact it was hard to do with air raid sirens going on 12-15 times a day as my country was in war. There were some horrible things going around , hatred , but they thought me love , honesty ,compassion. So many people here are misunderstood from their parents , I'm not.

This Saturday we skyped as I told them the news about still staying at my job and my father said. " I know you will never be happy at that job". They get me , they support me , no matter what , even with this selfactualization thing , they support me. I´m grateful to them and love them so much.

[examinationseeker]

I just want to say that I enjoyed this journal. It has motivated me to try to write more frequently in my own journal. Keep this up and know that there will be people on this forum who can keep you accountable, who can understand all your lapses and vices, who can discuss the examined life and deliberate on what matters in life. 

[misko55]

thx @examinationseeker , but in all honesty. The only person we should be accountable to are ourselves. Keep writng!

Day 7. A week , one full circle , 11 more to go.

Uneventful day , give myself some tasks in the morning , did them , the end.

So to make it easier to track my progress I decided to divide it into 3 trees.

1. Health and enlighment This one is the priority , the backbone , the workhorse.

It´s about getting my self in shape physically and mentally. It's about eating healthy , working out , running , meditating.

Goal is to get to 15% body fat by the summer (July) , in February I was at 22% now I´m at 17% ,to be able to once again be able to run 14km , current goal reach 5 , meditating every day for 20 mins and continue eating healthy.

This is the priority because it is designed to give me a better lifestyle and energy and when I´m ready , it is going to lead to enlightenment work.

2. Busness

Basically , learn German because I find languages to be important. That´s it right now.

Eventually it will be about learning the skills necessary to have my own business. But that is a too far ahead. Don´t want to do the same mistake of trying to do it all just to burn out and not do any at all.

3. Personal life

Now this one is a mess. Current goal , 90 day detox from gaming and after that dealing with TV and youtube.But one mayor battle at a time.

On the other side of the scale , finding hobbies to replace this negative habits with new ones , like playing my guitar more and return to reading. Also pushing my self to go out more in to the nature or just some places I never visited before , travel.

I'm grateful to the people who actually read this , it does feel nice when someone comments and just knowing that it is read. After all , it is creation, and I´m just grateful for all the good people in this world making a difference , hope to join you guys soon. Well I already did , but my impact is low , baby steps I guess.

[misko55]

Day 8

Did a 3km run , it is far away from 14km that I could do just a year and a half ago but , baby steps right. Tomorrow I will find out my work schedule for next week , hope to see normal working hours.

I´m grateful to something... well it is a bit sad but I think I listed all the things I´m grateful for , perhaps I can go all "zen" and just say that I´m grateful to be alive.

[misko55]

Day 9 - Almost 2 digits

The schedule didn´t change , at first I was a bit sad and angry but then I got happy. At least I am in no danger to become comfortable with the job and after telling them that I have a problem with planning and nothing changed , well , I got a good excuse once I decide to get out.

Other then that all parts of my life are great. Right now I´m tired but I still did my meditation and somehow forced my self to write something here , so my new habits are sticking.

I have more to write and I have prepared it on my notes , but it is a long entry , so .... morning is wiser than evening.

 

[misko55]

Day 10 - The one when I went out

So decision is that my job sucks and that is not going to change so , I´m going to stop talking about it , just on ignore. It ruins 9 hours of my life every Monday , Thursday and Friday so no need to ruin the rest of it , right? Right. So I´m going to complain about my school.... hahaha , naah , kidding.

I said I will go to this place Connewitz Kreuz in Leipzig and last two weeks I stayed in my comfort zone , today I pushed my self. Well it was pretty much taking a tram line there and going back with a bus. 

This was my ride:

Good old Czechoslovakian tram , so good that it even surpassed the country of it´s origine as you all know ,that country become two countries. I like this type , it reminds me of home , of Zagreb , we also still have this relics from the other side if the Iron curtain.

I realized something about my self today , I don´t like to bring much attention to my self , as I saw a couple of interesting things and yet did not take pictures because... what are the other people in the tram going to think about me. So , I see that it will take more work to push me out of my comfort zone.

But hell , I said I will go to Connewitz Kreuz and...

... I went. There was nothing interesting there , but now I know for sure. Next week I will just go to some park , hopefully , you can see on the pictures that weather wasn't really nice , but , this is what I want. To go out more and explore , to find new interesting places or just confirmed that uninteresting places are , that , uninteresting.

Anyways... as I said... baby steps. Today Connewitz Kreuz tomorrow Machu Pichu.

This post is more about us wanting to travel but always having excuses , like , I want to go to London , but don´t have the money , but I can still travel. In the city , go somewhere and explore. I bet most of you don´t really now your cities. It is bad that I didn't find anything interesting to prove the point that you can find always find something interesting , but today was a good day , never the less.

Edited April 23, 2016 by misko55
Had more to add