No More Dreaming , Time To Build.

[misko55]

I envy the fool, people that accept the societies rules , abide them and worst of all , defend them.Fools who believe that things don't change. But things DO change its just they don't want to change , because change is hard and we love our little routines , comfort.

I wish I was them , because ignorance is bliss.This waking up is hard ,painful.You dont belong anywhere , you are just a looney toon that watched one episode of X-files to many and we are "special" at best.Just some guy that girls find fascinating and interesting until they find out that ideals don't pay the bills.

So we all stumble. Them with their drained souls , empty eyes and postpound dreams and us. Afraid ,alone , disconnected and afraid for our futures.

I can't stand a job.I'd rather hang myself than spend another minute in an office.I'm just having a break  and everybody is just staring at their smartphones ,just occasionally throwing a look at me as I write this , like "this guy is crazy , what is he writing? Why isn't he looking at his phone! We just no longer accept any other type of normal then the one media present us. But my normal is not their normal , they dont understand me , but I understand them , I use to be them! I still am , because its not us and them its just US ,them is a concept created by politicians to divide us and easily conquered us.

The thing is ,I want to see the sun go up , I want to dance in the rain and experience it ,I want to travel and share that with someone .I want to love! The real love , where I don't belong to her and she doesn't belong to me , but we are free together.And I want to write about it as I experience it , I want to inspire others to wake up , but not like I did ,or the others like me. I experienced the pain and that's why I don't want anybody to experience it , I want others to wake up in a beautiful world made by You and me. The outcasts , the dreamers , the believers.

i can't change the world ,I can only change myself and make decisions that could set other people on a different path , better path.So that's what I'm going to do.Im gonna write!

10 years of people telling me that they would read if I would write."But there is no money in it" I was telling to myself , actually being more afraid of "what if people don´t like it" so I never did.

But tell you what! F*ck the money! I want this , I´m gona do this!!

So...here comes nothing,... or maybe... just maybe , here comes everything.

What ever the resoult , at least I´m no longer , as Leo puts it "mentally jerking" , I´m doing this.

So wish me luck ,as I wish you luck as well in Your endeavors and to anybody who read this till the end , you might agree , you might not , but thank you for reading!

Best regards / Mit Freundlichen Grüßen / Srdačan pozdrav from:

Leipzig , Germany 20.02.2016

Daniel

 

[misko55]

Well I failed or succeeded! I don´t know yet.

That office it got to me , the moment I enter it , the air , the smell.It changes , it's not breathable , it's toxic. I had no time to work on myself. I stopped meditating , I stopped. I love helping , I promised I will help everybody , yet I failed. This Monday. There is this girl , I kinda like her , she has a good heart I can read people and she is struggling in that job just like me.11 months , thats how long I speak German , so I´m still not good at it and that stopped me to ask her if everything is OK. I knew it wasn´t but I also know that someone shoving an interest in you can help. Thursday she took a sick day with telling a colleague she is thinking of changing a job because she doesn't feel accepted.I was them I was this standard person just minding their own business ,a part of a problem , not a solution.I saw the pain in her eyes , I did nothing!I'm a freud ,but can change , right? If I see her I´ll tell her that I know how she feels , I bought a chocolate that I intend to give her if she will come back to work again.

I decided I'm changing this job. Today is a school day and I´m not there and don´t know if I lost discipline or I´m fighting something?

I said I want to dance in the rain , well it rained this Monday and I just got wet and pissed. That´s it , wet , pissed and miserable.

Right now , as I´m writing this I´m on a bench in a park after meditating and watching ducks swim. This lake is 5 min from my home and I always dreamed about doing this , being that guy! Yet I would stay home and watch TV series or play games. Well , need to change that.

I had a mental fight to get to that lake. I said I'm doing this , next time it rains I will get in the rain and fucking dance as I said I would.It was cold and wind started to blow so hard , I thought about turning back home , but no , not today.And as I got there , wind slowed down , sun shoved up. It was beautiful.I never stop and thing where I am.I always think where I will be or even worse , where I was. I smiled as ducks dived and then showed up on the surface ,ass first , hahaha. They are in tune with nature , I'm not. I'm disconnected with everything and everybody.And then kids showed up. Running to the ducks , being happy and I realized , kids know how to live , WE ALL KNEW HOW TO LIVE , but school , society , jobs... and we forgot.We can get back , reset , right?As I watched ducks just swimming around , diving , my fears,my anxieties were gone. I was connected to nature ,to something more then myself.

That was my day  and there and then I committed to this actualization thing , to hard work , to failure but no giving up. As I started to head home I turned around towards the lake , the ducks , the kids and just said "thank you"

I don´t know where I´m going but I believe! I believe! And I feel alive , I hope you guys and gals find that feeling as well.

Thank you for reading , that's all folks.

 

[misko55]

I read some of yours journals and they inspired me! I mean , some of you went through some tough moments in life that make mine look like a "Story for children" and you are still here , still fighting , still working and most of all , winning! You are winners , you are winning in this game of life! And I want to join you , so I´m making some changes to my posting:

1.Today I´m also puting my goals here , for me to track them , for you to witness that progress and hopefully as I fight the good fight and start progressing it will inspire some people just like I got inspired by reading some of your journals from the beginning to the top and noticing difference!

2.I will be evaluating my goals every Saturday , I will give myself honest grades and share my thoughts. I thought to start with this all on Saturday , but I´m starting today , because I had to many of : "I´m starting with next Monday! I will start with that on the 1st of the month.Don´t get me started on New Year's resolutions! And in our society diets always start... tomorrow!" So I´m starting today , right now!

3.Writing is what I want and until just few days ago I would daydream about it , about real creative work , feel good about it and then do nothing.Leo would say "mental jerk off". I'm working now towards it. I write , I do research , I connecting with people , building my readers pool.So every Wednesday I will post something what is on my mind , like those 2 post above , for those who want to read and help me on that journey.

So:

1. Meditation:It´s doing wonders , this morning it was beautiful blue sunny day and I did 20 min of meditation by the window. When I opened my eyes something magical happend. It snowed!! Normally I don't like snow but instead of usual swearing I enjoyed the moment , I was in the moment , I was the moment.Snow is gone as I took another walk around the lake , literally in my T-shirt and a spring jacket , like the snow didn't even fall this morning!

Wanted to share that story , so yeah , I commit to meditating every day for the rest of my life. And right now I want to do min. 20 min daily.

2.Writing: From today on , this is my job!! I want to write and eventually switch to making videos , all in all I want creative work. I don´t want to do just one job my whole life I want to try them all and I will use this skill (that I didn't wanted for so long) and use it to build , earn a living ,self actualize and connect with people and hopefully gain some kind of influence that will give me chance to try new stuff and jobs and share that experience with the world. So my plan is to a lot of research , connect and write on several forums as I build my audience and start a blog and from there build the rest.

3.Workouts:Daily workouts , working out is as much mental as it is physical. It's not about getting that 6 pack so I could fuck every girl I would like to fuck , but to treat my body well.My body is mirror of my soul and the way I treat my mind , body shoves it. Somehow this body is mine , I´m connected to it , it´s my biggest tool. I didn't want it , it´s not perfect and I hated it so many times , but it´s mine and it deserves to be treated right.So daily work out , going for walks, I´m no fool , so I will not force my self to work out when my body gets tired , that leads to injuries , but I'm building stamina and intend to reach a level where I can work out every day.

4.Eating healthy:Use to eat in Mc Donalds every 2 day , havent been there in 2 years now. Use to drink coca-cola every day I hate the flavor right now , it's disgusting.I will be posting more about this is that nutrition subcategory on this forum , plan is eating healthy. I already changed a lot and feel very proud of my self on this field and best thing.It took me so long to start eating healthy because I thought that it will be disgusting , but I really love the taste of vegetable , Greek yogurt , fruits and I feel better since cutting less on the meat. I feel like I eat less , but I´m never hungry and never full that I can´t move.

5.Cutting wastefull activities:I´ll admit , I watch to many TV shows I stopped with 2 this week , and stopped watching some youtube videos , but still got a mountain to climb here , still cant just stop watching some series because I´m too interested in what will happened next. Could use an advice here. PC gaming is down. I only have Fallout New Vegas on my PC and games are no longer the first thing I do when I come home. Proud of that.

6. Guitar , my passion: Been playing for 6 years , saved my life. I wanted to kill my self after a very bad break up , felt only pain. Funny story , I started playing because that pain in my fingers when I would put a chord down on a string , it felt so good.I would play till my fingers would bleed and in that moment my heart didn't hurt , but as I advance , music gave me a second chance , it's a magical instrument that I love so much. I play fingerstyle and I plan by the end of the year to play fully (with solos) Hotel California and Sultan of swings.

This are my priorities there is more , but I will stop here , since this post is long as it is. I will make shorter posts from now on.

Thank you for reading and thank you for inspiring me to get of my lazy ass and stop dreaming and start working!

[misko55]

Well , it's Wednesday , time to write. I do write now everyday I even started posting stuff that I write on the internet. I realized some thing about myself. I do suffer from ego , hell sometimes I thing I´m superior to others. It´s not on purpose but subconsciously I do. And when some people start to do things better then I , I lose motivation and get disenchanted , how dare they be better then me!

Also I have an excuse for every problem. I´m an excuse addict. Well we are stopping with that. I was trying to get rid of my PC addiction , but every time I would like to stop I was in the middle of the game and I wanted to complete it , to get closer , then I would stop playing. That thing didn't work. This week I uninstalled a game in the middle of the play through , so uncharacteristic of me. No more games for me. I´m active , more then ever , there are still moments of procrastination , but I recognize it and stop it. It's unbelievable how much time I have now that I started to actually do things I wanted instead of having an excuse like: It´s not a good time , if I had this , if I had that , when I do this I will..." ohh. Yesterday had my first ever full without meat and fish day. Just vegetables. So much change , yet ego does fight it.This journal does help.

Anyways , gotta things to do. This is just a start. I know but if I could keep this going , oh my , the opportunities , the life I could have.

 

[misko55]

So it´s judgment day , hahaha..

1.Meditation: 8/10 I did pretty good , 20 min every day , except yesterday. But yesterday I had a very valuable life lesson , about that later on.

2.Writing: 6,5/10 Started good , run out of steam by the end of the week. Still it´s better then a month ago.

3.Workouts 10/10 2 years ago I was really into workouts , but even after a year there were no visual signs of progress. But now with healthy diet , meditation and workouts complimenting each other in just a month I see and feel progress.

4.Eating healthy 10/10 It's unbelievable I made a change when this year started and boy , the energy , the will , mental strength , all that from food?? On wednesday I had my first day without meat or fish , but balance is the key here , I buy chicken breasts 600G and I turn it into 6 meals. With the fact that I eat 2-3 a week fish ,1 week just veggies. I'm no longer "addicted" to eating nothing but meat and I can't believe I'm saying this , I don't regret it or miss hamburgers , kebabs , pizzas. It's not that I will never eat those things I do go out with friends , but I have no need to eat it on my own.

5.Cutting wastefull activities: 6/10 Well my gaming day´s are over and immediately I have more time. I eliminated some TV series that I watched but still watch 1 for lunch everyday and Youtube video´s are done as well , except for Leo´s. The biggest wastefull activitie is my F***ing job , but I´m close to getting a new one , can´t wait.

6.My passion , guitar: 10/10 Like Bryan Adams lyrics... played it till my fingers bleed , really only stoped when my fingers couldn't touch the strings from pain anymore , learned some hard techniques I was avoiding for quite some time.

Now friday , as I was returning from my job , really miserable like always ,despite preparing myself in the morning and going to job in a good mood , 9 hours there does a number on me.You know how people say that German trains are always on time... well 1 hour and 25 min late is not on time in my books. I lost it , lost all control and started swearing in 4 different languages and hitting stuff at one point I thought I will have a heart attack. Well it just goes to show how much more work I have to put in , because when I waked up I realized how much damage my lower self has made and I have a mountain to climb. Until this year I was like a climber that would go to Mt. Everest , climb to the first camp and then go home justifying it... eee at least I was there , I tried , I did more then other people. Well , not anymore , we have reach the first camp and today we are going for the second and then to the top. And this journal is my sherpa.

[misko55]

Words are not set in stone , right?I´m learning , evolving and so the things around me need to evolve and change to continue their servece to me. This journal is changing. Yeah I said I will put my goals and rate them every Saturday and write a little story about this journey on Wednesdays , because I´m trying to become a writer.

Well when I started this post it was more to test how people would respond to my writing and this is not the place to do that , this is the place for me , to keep me centralized. So from now on , this journal is just for me , read it , don´t read it , comment , no comment , don't care , this is a tool to improve my life. I did post my stories on some other sites and did receive a bit of praise so I'm starting with a blog , looking to earn money writing.

It´s funny , because , when I sit in front of a blank page , within minutes I write something , a story ,a song ,a presentation ,a joke. And all this time I felt bad , every job I did , i sucked and it seems I'm not good at anything , I don't have any talents.And people disagree and keep telling me about my writing.I guess I thought , if I can do it , everybody can , but that´s not the case.I saw so many people who would sit in front of a blank page and 6 hours later there would be a blank page.

I didn't want to do it because society looks down upon it , how am I ever gonna get laid if I don´t own a Porsche?? Well society enslaved it self , society is tired and sad faces commuting in a train , ignoring that one guy that talks to himself , just staring at the window praying he goes away.Society is bunch of people that know this world is wrong and unfair , but don´t know better and don´t have the balls to try , hoping that one day they will get the money , fame and sex by doing what everybody else is doing.Sociaty is "did you watch the Game of Thrones yesterday?? I mean ..wow" because we need distraction from our sad existence.

Anyways , I will update my profile here and I started a blog , registered and all that , still didn't post anything online , it´s on my laptop , being edited and deciding which direction to take and how to market it and later on get some money because I don't run on air. When it gets started , for any interested parties I will put my link in my profile , but not here on this post!I have to much respect for what is Leo and some other wonderful people trying to do here. Leo and this site helped me , people posting their ideas , hell I took that cold shower challenge as well!

So yeah , this is the last "story" here and also the last "long post" here. I´m going to be more frequent here , putting my journey , thoughts and feelings here before I forget them and use it to centralize myself use it only as a journal!

[misko55]

So this week:

1.Meditation 10/10 Every day in the week for 20 min.

2.Writing 7.5/10 Started slowly builded up during the end of the week.

3.Workouts 10/10 I´m addicted to it , just love it. Started follow some 30 day challange. First week is done , yesterday was a break and had to use my whole discipline not to work out. I so wanted to.

4.Eating healthy 10/10 This is a tricky one , I eat healthy and it would be 10/10 but today my friend and his girlfriend visited me in Leipzig so we went out to show them the city and we eat out. But I put it in my plan that if I eat out with friends it´s no problem as long as I stick to my meal plan. Anyway , will workout extra to get this burger out.

5.Cutting wastefull activities 7/10 2 week´s without games. I cutted out some tv shows that I watched for long time but find them boring. I bet we all have a few , pretty good 1 season then the rest is crap but you continue watching just beacuse. Pretty much cut it to only 4 shows. Still have to work on watching fewer You tube videos.

6. My passion guitar 10/10 Well I thing I will be remoiving this from the list. NOw that I don´t play games and have more time , this is no longer a problem.

 

[misko55]

Coca-cola! Used to drink that every day , you had to hide it from me. And then 2 years ago I decided to change that. It was a long battle , lost many , won many , but in the end won the war. Last year I had a sip. It was for Christams , I was offered a cup and I was raised to be polite so I accepted.

It was discusting and great in the same moment. Discusting, the taste , great, that I didn´t want to drink it anymore. In that moment as I couldn´t finish that cup of that utterly disgusting drink I knew I won! 

When I came here to Germany I was on Kebabs , Wurst and fleishkase and then started gradually change my diet. I have writen in my meal plan that if I go out with friends and we decide to eat out , I´m not going to be the one causing problems and sticking to my diet.

So yesterday my friend and his girlfriend from Croatia droped by me in Leipzig. It was great so we went to city center , to show them the city. And then went out to eat. I said when I complete this 30 days challange od getting in shape I will reward my self with a hamburger. I took that chance to eat one. It was one of the best , super quality , yet , I felt bad after it , too full , my body was in shock. And then I realized. Everyday that I eat healthy , I reward myself , every day that I work out , I reward myself. It´s hard and when I´m doing abs it doesn´t feel like reward , but it is.

And now I know that I will not return to old , because I did returned to old and I was happy to return to old. Return to my healthy diet , my new healthy diet is my old healthy diet is my present healthy diet and I love it.

[misko55]

24th June! The escape date. My job just keeps returning me into that depression mode , where I distrect myself with games , TV shows and Youtube videos.

This journey is so great ,yet , waking up at 4:45 did it´s number on me. Barley meditated , gave up during it on Monday and yesterday and pretty much just watched TV shows and Youtube videos. Silver lining , did not play games , keep my workout routine and eating habits with yesterday only eating one meal more than normal. Could of been worse.

Anyway I got a vague idea what I want and I´m pretty sure of knowing what I don´t want. And this job just pulls me into the same shit where millions of other people are. The comfort it gives me , regular pay check , food , roof over my head and it only asks for my life.

If you want to achieve something then you got to do something you never did before. It´s time to be brave. I was never brave I was always calculating. And people say I´m brave , working on a cruise ship , going to study in Germany , but I was in a program and had an agency doing the heavy lifting. All I had to do is follow instructions , now... 24th June and not a day later , we are changing this , maybe before , but my mind is set up.

When 25th June comes I´m going to be free. Scared shitless , but free. Still have thing´s to learn ,do and prepare , but my job got a bit easier since I decided this , if they fire me , great! I love when problems solve themselves!

[Anna Konstantaki]

@misko55 Why 24th June? Did you pick that randomly or is there are a reason for this?

[misko55]

@Anna Konstantaki

Well it´s when my 1st year Ausbildung (traineeship) ends. And it´s when my vacation starts and my parents are planning to come here. Before I move I want them to see Leipzig , Berlin , Dresden and Prag , plus , they will come with a car so it will be easier to pick some of my stuff and take it home since I plan on travelling and can´t take it all with me , so it is a sound financial plan.

And on the other hand it gives me time to finish some things that I started and prep myself for a new challange.

[OlgaK]

On February 19, 2016 at 3:08 AM, misko55 said:

I envy the fool, people that accept the societies rules , abide them and worst of all , defend them.Fools who believe that things don't change. But things DO change its just they don't want to change , because change is hard and we love our little routines , comfort.

I wish I was them , because ignorance is bliss.This waking up is hard ,painful.You dont belong anywhere , you are just a looney toon that watched one episode of X-files to many and we are "special" at best.Just some guy that girls find fascinating and interesting until they find out that ideals don't pay the bills.

So we all stumble. Them with their drained souls , empty eyes and postpound dreams and us. Afraid ,alone , disconnected and afraid for our futures.

I can't stand a job.I'd rather hang myself than spend another minute in an office.I'm just having a break  and everybody is just staring at their smartphones ,just occasionally throwing a look at me as I write this , like "this guy is crazy , what is he writing? Why isn't he looking at his phone! We just no longer accept any other type of normal then the one media present us. But my normal is not their normal , they dont understand me , but I understand them , I use to be them! I still am , because its not us and them its just US ,them is a concept created by politicians to divide us and easily conquered us.

The thing is ,I want to see the sun go up , I want to dance in the rain and experience it ,I want to travel and share that with someone .I want to love! The real love , where I don't belong to her and she doesn't belong to me , but we are free together.And I want to write about it as I experience it , I want to inspire others to wake up , but not like I did ,or the others like me. I experienced the pain and that's why I don't want anybody to experience it , I want others to wake up in a beautiful world made by You and me. The outcasts , the dreamers , the believers.

i can't change the world ,I can only change myself and make decisions that could set other people on a different path , better path.So that's what I'm going to do.Im gonna write!

10 years of people telling me that they would read if I would write."But there is no money in it" I was telling to myself , actually being more afraid of "what if people don´t like it" so I never did.

But tell you what! F*ck the money! I want this , I´m gona do this!!

So...here comes nothing,... or maybe... just maybe , here comes everything.

What ever the resoult , at least I´m no longer , as Leo puts it "mentally jerking" , I´m doing this.

So wish me luck ,as I wish you luck as well in Your endeavors and to anybody who read this till the end , you might agree , you might not , but thank you for reading!

Best regards / Mit Freundlichen Grüßen / Srdačan pozdrav from:

Leipzig , Germany 20.02.2016

Daniel

 

Hi, there!

I enjoyed reading your journal. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I also like to dance in the rain, and jump in the puddles. It's fun, and makes you feel free and alive. I also, like to pick up piles of fallen leaves and throw them in the air during fall time. My 10 year old kid loves me for it.

I want to ask you. how do you update your journal? I've been having trouble with updating mine.

[misko55]

You just go to your journaly and press "Reply to this topic" , just like you did here.

[misko55]

Terrible week , based on this new weeks that I have , it didn´t even scratched the ones I used to have , eating unheathy , watching TV and playing games , but my job really got to me. Had to wake up at 4:45 every morning , it really destroyed me.

1. Meditation 6/10 : Very hard , it was very hard , my mind was exhausted , keep wondering , couldn't concentrate.I stick with it , but would open my eyes and look at my mobile phone , thinking " Come on ring" Is 20 min really this long??

2.Writing 7/10 : I surprised my self , I really can do it. I found some of my older writings. I wanted to be a stand-up comedian , still do , maybe I will be. Jokes were terrible (Croatian isn´t good for stand-up , that´s why I gaved up) , with a few good ones. But got inspired and started writing some material but on English , there is a potential there , if I keep it up this time , only time can tell. Anyways I keep practicing creative writing and it is a lot of fun.

3.Workouts 10/10 : I should get this of the list , maybe? I broke down but this habit sticked. I started two 30 day challanges and on both am half way done , day 15. Really love working out. 2 months ago I was around 20-22% body fat (didn't measure then , I assume) , today I´m on 18,7% with intetntion to get on 15% by summer and 12% by the end of the year.

4.Eating healthy 9,5/10 : Sticked with it , but I really , really wanted a take away and/or chocolade. I endured. Still on Thursday I eat one meal more than usual.

5.Cutting wastefull activities 2/10: I failed here. My job got to me , for 2 days I just watched youtube videos ,still maintained it with TV shows but installed an on-line game on Thursday . Uninstalled it on Friday , but I really want to play something. I know it´s my ego fighting this decision to leave comfort by the June the 24th and that myob is the one pulling me back into the mud. Maybe I should install them and be mindful about it to remind myself why I stopped playing in the first place? Or is that my ego trying to trick me into playing?

6. Guitar 6/10 : Didn´t learn much , just played it because it´s fun and I love music and love Jelena (my guitar (yeah I named her))

7. German 7/10 : New thing on the list. I kicked the gear up. German is instrumental to my new plan of achiving more in life then some shitty office job. Started doing excercises on Duoling and reading a book. I intend to finish all lessons on dualing in a space of 5 weeks. And every day read on German.

 

[Anna Konstantaki]

5 hours ago, misko55 said:

3.Workouts 10/10 : I should get this of the list , maybe?

Don´t get that of the list.

5 hours ago, misko55 said:

5.Cutting wastefull activities 2/10: I failed here. My job got to me , for 2 days I just watched youtube videos ,still maintained it with TV shows but installed an on-line game on Thursday . Uninstalled it on Friday , but I really want to play something. I know it´s my ego fighting this decision to leave comfort by the June the 24th and that myob is the one pulling me back into the mud. Maybe I should install them and be mindful about it to remind myself why I stopped playing in the first place? Or is that my ego trying to trick me into playing?

Meh... You can´t bull your way through success. You need to give some time to all aspects of yourself. Even the ones that want to play games. I restricted myself on videos for example and ended up "binging in" some stupid asian comedy stuff. You know... I kind of knew it would happen... I used to make plans like yours and watch myself fail them. I start to see that even when I think I am not radical and I can do it, I fall back. So yea, install them and... Cut down slowly. I think this is like with drugaddicts, if they are put of their drug entirely they might die from "turkey", so they are given smaller and smaller doses and then gradually replace them with something else. What will be your replacement?

[misko55]

@Anna Konstantaki , yeah that´s how I stoped drinking coke and eating fast-food. I installed a free on-line game and restricted my self to playing only after doing something meaningfull and only for 30 min , and kinda put the game on German , so if am gonna play I might as well learn German that way.

[Anna Konstantaki]

@misko55 Hört sich gut an. Weiter so!  

[misko55]

So I stick with a full month of doing this. Hmm , who would of known. This last 2 days I fail with meditation , just to get it out of the way and I made an error in planing my meals and I found myself needing to buy something , and boy , the choices of food in stores are terrible , went with Chicken Nuggets. Well you learn while you live , will do a better planing next time.

I still struggle , I realized that my job is what resets me back into subconscious because everything else in my life has improved , but I´m winning the fight. I´m in a program for young people to live , learn and work in Germany , so I can´t just quite ,becuase there is this thing called "Contracts" (the fact that this things exist show us how much our words are worth , nothing). But I have started the process and a new job is going to be aligned with what I want. Basically I will use this program to give me the necessery skills to do what I really want. My aim is Marketing or Tourism. I know that I want to create , a blog or something and I realized , for that I need:

A) Great content , now I have some , but I need more and that´s where Tourism comes in. It´s basiclly a job which you can do anywhere or volonteer in Hostels and experience things.

B) Market it so people would read and that would lead to income and being able to live of of my writing , that´s where Marketing get´s in.

Anyway , I´m failing less and less and even my job no longer puts me down , because thing are in motion. I´m preparing and when 24th June knock on the door , ready or not , it´s action time , things are going to change. It´s a scary notion!

But this life , doing this job for the rest of my life. No way , I would rather buy a gun , get in a bank , scream this is a robbery , wait for the cops to show up , give my self in and go to prison , I would really rather be in a prison then in an office. In prison you can at least learn stuff and don´t have to commute.

[Anna Konstantaki]

On 23.3.2016 at 10:44 AM, misko55 said:

But this life , doing this job for the rest of my life. No way , I would rather buy a gun , get in a bank , scream this is a robbery , wait for the cops to show up , give my self in and go to prison , I would really rather be in a prison then in an office. In prison you can at least learn stuff and don´t have to commute.

 Life gives you great options...

[misko55]

So this weekend I was in Chemnitz , visiting friends. It was nice , I had to push myself out of my comfort zone to get there at one pointed wanted to send a message that I can´t make it and then make up a reason why. I was there , stayed over night and slept on a floor. Other then that , week was terrible. I´m in a process of changing jobs and it´s not easy , I´m in a program that gives me nice comfort and security , the very same things that stop people from achieving their goals and also this beautiful thing from our wonderful corporate system called "contracts".

So I started the process to change it and I did set that date when I expect things to change , but honestly , I was aiming for sooner. Apparently that is not going to change and 24.6. is the date when it will be possible. And that has made me very unmotivated and send me back to watching youtube and playing games whole day. Well not whole day , I still fight this , but the thought of having to go to my work for next 3 months before I can change it has mentally destroyed me.

Well the games are again uninstalled and meditation has been resumed after 3 days.

I´ll be posting here more often , because this journal helps me keep focused and writing it only twice a week is not enough to cancel out the effects that my job leaves on me.Practically , no matter how much I prepare , write things on paper and do what ever in hopes that after a working day is over it will get me back into actualizing , 9 hours later I have no will power to live , let alone to work on something so challenging and so far away from instant reward that I go back to quick fix and distractions and then feel bad.

I have to make up a better plan and post it here  , for some reason , the thought that someone is going to read makes me more liable , which is sad , I should be only liable to myself. But if it´s stupid but it works it ain´t stupid.

Anyway , this experience has been eye opening , because now I understand how people get them self in this situations and why are we as a society letting so many shit happening to the world. Security is the bait and comfort is the trap and it´s so hard to get out of it.