Need Help Letting Go

[kieranperez]

Alright. I've been single now since my last girlfriend since May of 2016. I'm still really hurt about my ex. TBH, what my mindfulness of the whole situation lately of still being hurt has made me aware of is that I'm just hurt by the fact that she moved on from me and how she's better off without me seeing as how she's with a boyfriend that's working out better for her and she seems happier with and has made more progress in her personal life than she did with me. Meanwhile I haven't made any persona progress since then. It just still hurts and haunts me and I know if I inspect deeply enough that she clearly wasn't right for me. Especially when I think about how we actually acted as people and how different we are and how that created some blocks between us.However she was my first love and I for her. We went through a lot, I was with her while she had cancer and so much more. I was just so emotionally invested. 

If I had to make a comparison, I'd say it feels like the same pain a kid who feels invisible to all the other kids around him in school who are having a great time. Just this feeling of being unwanted and how clearly you don't belong and feel inferior and like you're really lacking. 

I also think part of this comes from my competitive nature in sports where I struggle to try to not compare myself to others (yes I saw @Leo Gura's video on comparing yourself to others). I always hate feeling like I'm not as good. How I can be so easily replaced.

Thoughts on this?

[Erlend K]

This sound really painfull. I don't know if this helps, but heartbreaks is something all of us have to go through. I don't know of any quick fix for hearthbreaks, I think you just have to let it take the time it takes. Always remember th these feelings dosn't mean there is something wrong with you. They mean that you are normal (don't know if this is an issue for you, but I mention it just incase).

When it comes to comparing yourself to others, we all do that to some degree. Even tho you have heard that "you should not compare yourself to others", and have internalized this idea, there is no need to judge yourself when you inevitavly do it. The mind is not a single, coherent thing, but a society of fairly independent subminds. The submind that thinks you shouldn't compare yourself to others is a completely different one than the submind that is producing thought of comparison. The first dosn't dictate what the second does. If you become aware of thoughts of social comparison it is not "You", who are comparing yourself. It is a mental subsystem outside of your conscious control, thats sending these thoughts of comparison into your field of awareness. The short term goal is just being mindful of these thoughts as they pass through your field of awareness. The long term solution is to work on developing better self esteem. 

Do you have anyone in real life you can talk to about these feelings? Having someone who listens and understand you makes it a lot easier to deal with these kinds of feelings. 

[ajasatya]

@kieranperez great honesty. as adyashanti would say, those moments of true sincerity with oneself is the deepest longing for any human being, and yet, the hardest thing to do.

adyashanti himself was a sportsman and struggled with competitiveness. and nowadays he's one of the greatest spiritual teachers out there.

you might want to take a look at his book from which i quoted him: the way of liberation. you can download the ebook for free from his own page.

[Visitor]

12 hours ago, kieranperez said:

... Just this feeling of being unwanted and how clearly you don't belong and feel inferior and like you're really lacking. ... I always hate feeling like I'm not as good. How I can be so easily replaced.

Thoughts on this?

Lets look at this a bit closer. Is this feeling of not good enough for being a worthy person for receiving love?

If so, then it is better to be genuine and true by being loving (unconditionally) than to be doing things (conditionally) to gain/receive love.

Fulfillment is to be filled with love. You already have the capacity to be filled with love by loving. There is no need to rely on fulfillment from other peoples love towards your doing things for them. That is a form of emotional blackmail. The deeper, truthful, part of you already knows this to be true. That is why you always feel you are not good enough. Most people are in the same boat as you are in this situation. It is a global epidemic of false beliefs which only serves our ego and not our true Self.

Believe in your own capacity to be true and loving. It is the ultimate fulfillment and liberates you from needing that fulfillment from others. In my relationships I am not dependent on others love towards me. I am just so grateful that they allow me to adore and devote my love towards them. Some people cannot handle it because of their own false beliefs. Those that can handle it, when they genuinely say they love me, all I can say is "I know you do", because I am loving their love that loves me, and they know I do so unconditionally.

It is better to be genuine and true in any relationship so you can relate to each other's true Self. In that way, there is no more concept of being good enough or not. You are just being true, and that is the pinnacle/crown of loving.

[Truth Seekah]

 

16 hours ago, kieranperez said:

Alright. I've been single now since my last girlfriend since May of 2016. I'm still really hurt about my ex. TBH, what my mindfulness of the whole situation lately of still being hurt has made me aware of is that I'm just hurt by the fact that she moved on from me and how she's better off without me seeing as how she's with a boyfriend that's working out better for her and she seems happier with and has made more progress in her personal life than she did with me. Meanwhile I haven't made any persona progress since then. It just still hurts and haunts me and I know if I inspect deeply enough that she clearly wasn't right for me. Especially when I think about how we actually acted as people and how different we are and how that created some blocks between us.However she was my first love and I for her.

 

16 hours ago, kieranperez said:

I was with her while she had cancer and so much more. I was just so emotionally invested. 

 

16 hours ago, kieranperez said:

If I had to make a comparison, I'd say it feels like the same pain a kid who feels invisible to all the other kids around him in school who are having a great time. Just this feeling of being unwanted and how clearly you don't belong and feel inferior and like you're really lacking. 

16 hours ago, kieranperez said:

Meanwhile I haven't made any persona progress since then.

Letting go is expression

Catharsis background music

 

Edited August 25, 2017 by Truth Seekah

[kieranperez]

I finally breakthrough yesterday... I watched Leo's vide on Jelousy and stopped the video in the middle of it and just asked myself, 'okay. Let's say she came back to me. Lets say we never broke up. Or let's even say I even impressed her by being better off than her and showing her I didn't need her and that actually drew her back to me... would I actually be happy if we stayed or got back together? If instead of that dude kissing her in that photo it was actually me... would I actually be genuinely happier?' I visualized a dozen scenarios and quickly realized... 'holy shit. All I want is just to be happy. If I actually think about it, I wasn't happy enough to say that we would've been great long term. It's not about her. I've just been wanting to feel happy in connecting with a girl I love and who loves me.' Right when that came through consciously... my mouth fell open, I started to laugh and then cried because I just felt so fucking free. I TRULY realized how it's not her I want. It's just happiness. Period. I look back at that photo of her kissing her boyfriend and I actually felt happy.. FOR HER! I was like 'man! Good for her! She's with someone that works for her!' I was so blown away. I just couldn't believe it. This reframe just changed my whole outlook. I knew this conceptually but it just finally resonated deep down and I felt it... Jesus...