Lessons From My Addiction Of Wanting Suffering

[kieranperez]

So usually I'm the one asking for advice but this time I think I have a valuable message to you guys out with this similar issue. I hope this helps

Last night I truly felt like I was going to commit suicide. I beat myself by punching myself in the head, screaming in my car, crying, banging my head, etc. Right when all of this started though I just had this intuitive realization that just hit me - I truly want to suffer. How I'm subconsciously addicted to hating myself inside and also addicted to not let things in my past go because I simply shouldn't allow myself to let go of pain and emotional scars.

I received a message from my ex (I won't go into the details of our history as that isn't relevant in the message I'm sharing nor do I need to bore you with such details) who was my first love who left me. I had asked her for some advice. I knew I still hadn't gotten over the disappointment from the breakup (which ended in May of 2016). I was still very hurt. It wasn't so much about her as it was the pain of the whole breakup. However, when she messaged me and the moment I heard the Facebook notification, I felt a shiver down my spine. I saw her message of advice. However, what triggered everything was realizing that by her giving me thoughtful advice I just got a great giant picture of how much better off she is if I'm asking her for help after she left me and I'm still hurt. It also didn't help that her profile picture is of her romantically kissing her current boyfriend who she's been with longer than she was with me (choking up a little saying that).

Right after that and I felt overcome with emotion, I immediately realized 'holy fuck. I really don't want to let go of all my pain. Not just from this, but with all my trauma I've ever experienced in my life.' Although I had this breakthrough I still went down a very dark path last night. Images flashing of all my traumas. 

Now here's the obvious question: how did I get through this? My answer: Running. Running is my life. So what did I do? I kept crying but I went out into the pitch black, put on my running shoes, and I ran. I ran up the first trail I ever ran on. It was only 20 minutes but those 20 minutes showed me all I needed to see to breakthrough. After I finished, I let out a war cry in the dark that I'm not going anywhere. Now, I'm more determined than ever before to go out and go all out in what I want out of my life. 

So what's my message?... you can get through your darkest hour. Live and embody and do the thing you love more than anything in life. 

This addiction on my part will be overcome. @Leo Gura thank you for your video on subtle addictions. If I hadn't watched it earlier in the day yesterday, I wouldn't be here.

[How to be wise]

@kieranperez it sounds to me that you haven't mastered your emotions yet. In most people's cases, this should be set as a top priority. There are many ways to master your emotions and to be happy, and I will share one with you.

this website will have all the information you need for this technique.

http://thework.com/en

[kieranperez]

@How to be wise that's so funny you site that website! I literally was in barnes and noble yesterday looking at that book after going through Leo's booklist again! Haha that's ironic!

[Pluck]

What an honest and fascinating epiphany. It's not one of those jump-to-conclusions- or put-things-in-boxes kind of explanation/realisation - It's one of those that actually stick; one where you click: "OOOOHH!! OF COURSE!! HOW COULD THIS NOT BE THE CASE?!"

Thank you for sharing. 

Edited August 23, 2017 by Pluck

[kieranperez]

@How to be wise what has me confused though on that method regarding the inquiry process is, instead of questioning someone else, can you inquire strictly about yourself?

[Pluck]

Why, sure you can! That's called self-inquiry! Check out Leo's video on the Neti Neti method. 

Additionally, you can contemplate on what the difference between someone else and yourself is.  

[kieranperez]

@Pluck no no I'm talking about the inquiry method based on Byron Katie's work

[Pluck]

Ah, sure, I zoned out there for a minute. Sorry about that.

[thehero]

dude I'm the same way. I haven't let myself suffer in so long because of the newfound hope i've gotten from self development. but I suffer once every two months. and this suffering feels GOOD. SO GOOD. I remember back in my super high suicide days a year ago, I would intentionally hate on myself and pity myself and just keep doing it and it felt good to do that. I could see myself hating on myself yet I would still do it....

If I have a small problem I would be like FUCK IT I WANT TO DIE. and that feeling of self-pity and victimhood would feel good. 

It's like I preferred to suffer over being happy. Christ...

 

I too would like to thank Leo for saving my life though. Without him and another youtuber, I don't know if I would be alive. 

Edited August 27, 2017 by thehero