Suicidal Ex - Seeking Advice

[texter]

Hello, thank you for reading this. I would appreciate any opinions on my situation, especially from anyone who may have experience with this sort of thing.

I have a close friend, who we will call A, who has severe mental health issues. As context, I have been a fairly rigorous follower of personal development and enlightenment work for several years.

I met her 2 years ago and we were attracted to each other. We became sexually intimate and very close, and she slowly started revealing more of herself to me, including her self harm, depression and history of suicidal thoughts and attempts.

In the early stages of our relationship, I considered leaving her as I could foresee that a relationship with someone like this could get me into trouble. I did not leave her, however.

Our relationship became intense, as my presence seemed to become the only thing in the world which could alleviate her mental pains. I saved her from multiple suicide attempts, acting as a 24/7 guardian at some points.

This has taken its toll on me personally. Generally I am an extremely happy and content person, with the one exception of when I believe her to be upset and in danger of harming or killing herself. Which is often. When I realise she might be in danger, or even consider its possibility, I become very distressed.

A while ago I had the awful job of telling her that I did not want to be in a relationship with her anymore. Somehow she survived the ordeal, and has a new partner now. She still contacts me now and again, telling me how suicidal she feels. It is an awful position for me to be in. I never know what to do, and it distresses me awfully.
Obviously I care for her so much. It was just too much for me to be her suicide carer. Far too much. If she were mentally healthy I would love to spend much more time with her.

How do I help her? How do I help myself? What do I do?

I have a massive fear is of her successfully committing suicide. I know that if I were with her, she almost certainly would not ever be successful in doing so. But I don't want to be the person who she learns to rely upon.

I would be very grateful if anybody could give me their perspectives on this and how I should approach the situation, or indeed on their own personal experience on similar situations.

By the way, to my knowledge she has regular therapy sessions, so there's not much I can do by way of encouraging her to get therapy.

[egoeimai]

You can't help her. Trust me. You are not  an expert. I was in a similar situation.  Please find some other things in your life to occupy your mind.  

[Simon Zackrisson]

Fuck brother. That sounds intense. I can relate to some extent. I recently had a somewhat new-made friend that's on a serious low in his life, and I wanted to help him out. Now after a while of attempting to help him I kinda felt that I can't do that much more, I am not in such position where I can only shine light into his situation, I was not strong enough to not let it affect me negatively too. 

 

Logically I feel that the answer for you has to be cynical, that you can't go down with the sinking ship.

But emotionally I can understand and even perhaps feel your despair, if this was a girl you also felt some romance with. 

It hurts seeing someone in misery and wanting to alleviate their pain. But also in a way, in another perspective, you are helping their ego identification with misery if you show that they will receive affection and attention for their behavior of self-destruction. 

 

If they don't really want to truly change and let go of their suicidal sad painbody, maybe it is you that need to let go.

I think the sad reality of life is that in the end, you can only help someone to help themselves.

 

 

I don't really know, just some thoughts.  

[How to be wise]

@texter 'she shouldn't commit suicide, is that true?' 

'It's in her best interests to not commit suicide, can I really know that?'

Contemplate these questions. They will change the way you feel about this situation.

Note: I'm not saying that it's in her best interests to commit suicide, but if you contemplate these questions, you will get some amazing insights. 

 

 

[YaNanNallari]

Imagine you cared about everyone on the same level. Would you still use your time helping her or creating something bigger? What I mean is that instead of staying anxious about it constantly you might be way more useful to everyone in other ways.

[texter]

@egoeimai @Simon Zackrisson @How to be wise @YaNanNallari

Wow, thanks guys. I wish I'd asked this months ago. You all give really useful advice/perspectives.

This relationship and my anxiety over it has been a major sticking point* for my personal growth so it is imperative I sort this out. Your advice will be useful for that.

Some people who I am close to think that I should seek medical attention/therapy for the anxiety and, as one person put it, the 'guardian complex' that I have developed over her. Could I have any perspectives on whether this would be useful, or perhaps any other methods I could do to complement/replace therapy?

 

*well... if I am honest it has been a catalyst for me studying enlightenment and doing a whole lot more meditation. Little silver lining, even if it is a coping mechanism.

[Natasha]

@texter Look up 'codependency'. Control is the driving mechanism behind it, not compassion. Work on letting go of your need to control someone else's situation. Learn self-love and boundaries. Hugs

[How to be wise]

@texter there are tons of books on emotional mastery in Leo's book list which will give you far more results than therapy. Check it out!

[ajasatya]

On 8/23/2017 at 7:28 PM, texter said:

*well... if I am honest it has been a catalyst for me studying enlightenment and doing a whole lot more meditation. Little silver lining, even if it is a coping mechanism.

i've been where you are and yes, you got it. use this situation to grow exponentially. in a few years from now you'll be grateful for all this turmoil.