What Is Depression Like When You Are Aware Of It?

[Privet]

I meditated many times on my depression and discovered that when I am aware of it it feels like: numbness of mind, spaceoutedness, heaviness of thinking, impatience, lack of concentration.

And it seems to me that depression only becomes depression when you resist to those phenomena.

What is your experience of depression when you are really aware of it?

Please answer only if you can clearly distinguish your depression from you suffering from it, everybody knows what depression is like when you are unaware and suffering.

[MiracleMan]

To me it is like, a contraction of the body, my chest feels like it's sucking in, my spine tightens and aches, I feel like a water hose with high pressure but there is a knot or binding that stagnates the flow.  In the head there is a fogginess, an increased sensitivity to light, and a physical heaviness.  My whole body feels heavy, like I'm wading through water, there's a lack of energy or vibrance.  

At least physically.  There's a lot confusion in the mind and it's much like a violent storm, lots of nasty thoughts.

On the other hand I think if I was fully aware, fully conscious of how I identify with it, I wouldn't be depressed.  The way i see it is that I've not cultivated the awareness to see that I am not the depression, I feel a part of me wants to be in pain, it wants to maintain the illusion.  But right now it's just the way things are, but I'm doing my best to improve my life. 

[Surrealist]

"The opposite of depression isn't happiness, it's vitality" - some Ted Talk. 

I think it's right. Depression is a numbing, a deadening, a grey-ing of life. My mom described literally seeing the world as grey. There's a sense of heaviness, of sinking, of letting out an continuous sigh of disappointment in all your movements. I would say it's sort of like being in the middle of a hellish warzone but with slow motion Billie Holiday music playing in the background.