Reflections On Consciousness Work And Awakening Symptoms

[nexusoflife]

Over the past two months I have done serious thinking and meditating on my life purpose. Within this time I have also noticed some very deep changes in my meditation practice and its overarching effects in my life. I feel that right now I am at a critical tipping point in my life and it is crucial that I follow my intuition fully. With this being said I feel that I am in need of some much required guidance.

As my journey continues I am now beginning to realize the depth of the path that I have chosen and it is only a matter of time until I can no longer live the life that I am currently living. For the past three years I have done much work on myself and have deeply perused meditation, consciousness and enlightenment. I now have come to a point where things must change in my external life.

I have learned a massive amount of information on my own time in the past three years. My insatiable appetite for learning has helped to radically and profoundly change my way of thinking, how I see the world and how I live my life. The experiences and lessons that I have learned through the countless hours of meditation and contemplation, unitive experiences and psychedelic experiences have shown me so much about the true nature of reality. My mind has expanded to such a degree in its perception and thinking that I know there is absolutely no going back. And thus this has led me to a sort of conundrum.

 I do not know how to properly balance the divine with the mundane. Over the past two months my meditation practice has caused changes in my nervous system and I have experienced several strange phenomena in my body that I can only describe as kundalini symptoms. These symptom include but are not limited to a tingling sensation throughout my body at random times in the day, feeling a powerful surge rise up my spine and explode in my head whenever I meditate for roughly an hour. I have experienced the bilateral symmetrical fractal energetic yoga positions that martin ball talks about several times and their frequency is increasing. The most apparent of these symptoms are similar to convulsions. If I go deep enough into meditation and contemplation parts of my body or even my whole body will begin to uncontrollably spasm. While this does not cause pain it is still a jarring experience. All in all my dedication to this consciousness work has created variables in my life that are making it increasingly difficult for me to continue to live a seemingly “normal” life. I have brought books on the subject of kundalini and energy to better my understanding of the subject.

I feel that it is only a matter of time until something is going to have to radically change. Due to the nature of these symptoms and the depth of which I have experienced the unity of existence thus far in my journey part of the ego has become heavily resistant to the path. I feel that if I continue to do my dedicated meditation, contemplation, psychedelics, fasting, and other practices that I am using to facilitate higher understanding of consciousness, awakening and existence that I may destroy my life. I feel that I will go so far out into the left field with meditation and consciousness work that I will be entirely unable to integrate into society. I do not wish for this to happen and so since these kundalini symptoms have arisen I have largely toned down my practice, however I know that if I want to continue make progress on this path that I cannot achieve that at a low level of practice.

Several of the problems that the human species is facing are readily apparent to me and with this awareness it is difficult for me to witness the overwhelming majority of people I encounter have such a degree of unawareness of these things. The interactions I have at work, school and in public are all inauthentic now as I must censor myself, so to speak, If I am to avoid being marginalized by society.

I have been keeping up with Leo's blog posts and his critiques of the education system truly resonate with me and I completely agree with him. In my life I have found that autodidactism has been far more effective in my life than the current education system has ever been for me, both in high school and college. I feel that there is an opportunity cost for me being in school in that it takes away from the time in which I could be educating myself via autodidactism.  I have learned so many profound and life changing things as a result of the hundreds of hours of reading books, studies, watching videos and documentaries on various topics such as  meditation, spirituality, psychedelics, integral theory, self-development, veganism, sustainability, ecology, futurism, health, fitness, post scarcity economics, space exploration, biology, paleontology and more. I never heard very much highly in depth discussion at all of any of the aforementioned subjects in school and when one was mentioned it was only briefly outlined.

It is a system which neglects so many of the variables in human learning and it is stuck in the industrial era. In school teachers can’t teach what they want as they must adhere to a strict curriculum and student’s natural curiosity and creativity is all too often crushed by years of conformity.

In one of Leo's blog posts he wrote QUOTE "This might be rosy retrospection on my part, but if I could live my life over again, I would quit school, never go to college, and invest all that time into self-education. The more I learn, the more I learn how poorly learning is done by our social schooling system. It's really just terrible. It emphasizes all the wrong subjects and mechanizes what should otherwise be a highly conscious activity." END QUOTE

In a more recent blog post of his I read QUOTE  "Our school systems are all nonsynergetic. We take the whole child and fractionate the scope of his or her comprehending coordination by putting the children in elementary schools — to become preoccupied with elements or isolated facts only. Thereafter we force them to choose some specialization, forcing them to forget the whole.  --required a wide variety of brain slaves with which to logistically and ballistically overwhelm those who opposed their expansion of physical conquest." END QUOTE

 I am very close to the point that I can no longer partake in the education system. I have completed two years of college so far and the mentality that I am surrounded by in academia is so restrictive that it is causing sadness within me. Each time I enter my classes I can feel my soul being crushed. Don’t get me wrong, education is extremely important, which is why I heavily emphasize autodidactism.  I learn as much as I can in my free time, however the schooling system is just so broken and I simply want to be free from it and live my life. To be honest I don’t truly want to be in college, however I enrolled and stay because of family pressure. I get good grades but I truly don’t think it’s worth it. I would rather be happy in life than have a high GPA. I learn much more effectively when I study about the subjects I am passionate about when I take my own time to learn them. Nearly all of my time outside of school and work is spent reading and meditating.

Right now I am in a time of turning and transformation. I could use some guidance regarding what I have mentioned as I know that there are many people here with far more experience with these things than I am. My only outlet for much of the knowledge that I have amassed over the course of the past three years is the book I am currently writing. I feel that having a creative outlet is something that is critically important for me to have in my life and for people to have in general. Disseminating the information that I have absorbed on this journey has helped me in in the past five months to resolve and work through many of the blockages that I have been experiencing. It would be greatly appreciated if anyone could provide advice and insight to help me during this time in my experience.

Edited August 21, 2017 by nexusoflife

[ajasatya]

@nexusoflife great words of sincerity. i hope you finish your book.

there's a new kind of school arising. wouldn't you like to contribute to the education of our children?

i agree with you. our current educational system is breaking down.

[Azrael]

16 minutes ago, nexusoflife said:

I could use some guidance regarding what I have mentioned as I know that there are many people here with far more experience with these things than I am.

From my own experience what you have going on right now "the I cannot integrate with society attitude" is just a phase. Just keep digging. It'll fall off and a different phase will come up. This'll get stronger and stronger and stronger and it'll feel like you are completely falling apart (what you also are) and at some point you just die (the illusion of ego). And then when you're dead, there are still the phases happening but no one who cares about them.

[nexusoflife]

@Azrael Thank you. How long did this phase last for you on your journey?

[nexusoflife]

@ajasatya From what I have read these Waldorf education centers are a much more integral way of schooling than what we currently have. I really do hope that this takes off and that our current archaic education system is finally phased out. The children of the future deserve better.

[Azrael]

3 minutes ago, nexusoflife said:

@Azrael Thank you. How long did this phase last for you on your journey?

Couple of months. It came back from time to time though. Because you need to fully resolve it and see through its illusionary nature as just an attitude. But this resolving takes time. Can be different for anyone else. I have one friend who will probably never in his lifetime come out of this.