Need Help With Meditation, Scary Shit Happening.

[DizIzMikey]

So I was meditating upstairs by myself...and, about 1 hour and 30 minutes into the meditation I used this affirmation... Why Is A Thought True?

I think...My ego flipped the fuck out, like...it didn't want to die..I started to look for myself because every thought faded. My ego started to tell me all I needed to do was study to find out who I am. I don't know whether that's true or not, but it convinced me at the time that this is what I needed to do, every thought faded into the oblivion and I was scared, I was whimpering like a baby having an emotional reaction, because I couldn't find myself. My ego I think also went into overdrive when I came down stairs with my family It said the nastiest shit about my daughter my step son and my wife. It was hard to hear this because it was the nastiest shit I've ever heard, I think. 

I get really really mad and I have a deep tone voice with my family, I don't flip out on them the best I can, What is this? What is happening? Sometimes when I do this I feel like I'm going to die but I'm not sure. 

I try to ground myself with the sayings "I don't know" "As above so below"

Right now at this moment...I feel like rapping, and agressively..I want to hurt someone... I think I might be going crazy I don't know, but it is scary as shit

The only satisfaction I get is when I tell someone what to do I think... I don't like this at all, I've always thought I was an individual my whole life.

Any advice?

[Leo Gura]

Relax man, that "you" was never real in the first place. So there's really nothing to lose.

Btw, stop saying "My ego". That's totally redundant. You = Ego. You don't have an ego. You are the ego!

All this is normal. Just keep at it. Simply observe the ego's death-throes.

This is real PROGRESS!

[DizIzMikey]

Okie dokie! Glad to hear it from you if anyone, next time I get time alone without the family I'll be in a room alone for quite awhile hopefully doing this. Until than I guess I'll be doing do nothing meditation since you can do walking meditation with it. TYVM 

[Arman]

Inner change can often be externally intense. Especially with long stretches of meditation and dissolving the ego. Within my personal experience, if I found myself getting intense emotional flares or sudden fear or feeling a little crazy or whatever, I found it useful to reduce the length/intensity of my practice for a few days or weeks until I was grounded again. Experiment for yourself. Don't abandon meditation/practice altogether but adjust, because you may find that you may be particularly sensitive for a while. All in all it's a good thing. After the extremes balance out, they integrate. 

Outbursts with the family suck. Fortunately who you are as a person in general will outweigh small intense moments. You might want to apologize and let them know you were having a hard time. 

[DizIzMikey]

I have a hard time apologizing, I don't think I really did anything wrong, but I might give it a try tomorrow and see if it helps.  

I am taking a break until Tuesday, not from meditating but from work, was taking this Soy-lent 2.0 and somehow I forgot to drink enough water lolol 

I'm like... sitting here looking at video games rapping on Steam, too funny how ego is reacting....anyways 

Thank you dude, you are awesome. 

 

Edited February 20, 2016 by DizIzMikey

[WelcometoReality]

When I had my first realization I said It's not important, I have to become something. Because unconsciously I understood that I didn't exist. Afterwards I realized that I had identified with that thought of wanting to become successful and the next time I was better prepared to see that it was not true.

With experiencing you will easier see the smoke screens you put up for yourself, like that you needed to study to find yourself. I say keep poking on that same spot that lead you to flip out, because it's these reactions that show you you're on to the truth.

Edited February 20, 2016 by WelcometoReality

[DizIzMikey]

@WelcometoReality That makes a lot of sense, thank you. Will poke the hell out of myself when I get the chance for some meditation time lol .. it was.. Why Is A Thought True? That made me flip...couldn't find the answer. 

Edited February 20, 2016 by DizIzMikey

[Sargon]

Sounds like you are doing some real hardcore work on yourself. Looking deep into yourself can reveal some scary stuff you don't want to see or acknowledge, but that's just part of the journey. Now that you've seen this, look into why it's there. Try to keep in mind that these are thoughts and emotions that "you" are aware of, and so are not really you. They are simply a reaction to something deep within your Self that needs to be addressed.

When I am challenged by my Self or the negative thoughts I generate, I find it helpful to try to keep myself present and aware as much as possible. I achieve this by using the simple yoga breathing technique known as ujjayi breath. This slows "me" down allowing me to become much more aware of myself and others around me in the present. From there, I am better able to see my thoughts and be aware and control my emotions.

Let me know if you try this and what your results are. I'd be curious to know.

Good luck.

[Ayla]

@Sargon

Quote

try to keep myself present and aware

Quote

control my emotions

For me, this is the biggest trap. Somehow, you think you need to force and control something to become something that you already ARE! I have also expressed this in another post through the analogy of someone sitting comfortably in his own bed, frantically trying to decipher a map to return back home!! 

Striving, trying, forcing, pushing, pulling, concentrating... these are ALL MIND induced. Because mind wants to GO, to DO, to SOLVE. It is its job, and it damn well doesn't want to be fired from it lol. 

YOU are the seer of all this

 

 

[Sargon]

@Ayla It is amazing how much work there is to do... or not do... it gets confusing. I find it hard to express my thoughts without using ideas of control. In my response to DizIzMikey I was trying to convey a process to help become more aware of the moment so that he can become aware of the emotions before they generate the less desirable actions. The idea is to be aware and witness , not control or suppress, though I see how my words did not convey that. Thank you for your guidance.

[Ayla]

@Sargon

Drop all that. They are just concepts...  

When you realize there is nothing to DO in order TO GET what/where/whom you already are, it's over

And yes, I see exactly what you mean... but it is still backwards  ... going away thinking you're coming back 

 

[Neo]

Quote

Why Is A Thought True? That made me flip...couldn't find the answer. 

It's a bit like saying "Why is a sentence true"? The premise is wrong.

[Keyblade Viking]

Man, that sound like such an awesome spiritual experience, I totally envy you lol.

That most sound weird for you but it's the truth, you're totally breaking your mind control right now and it's magical, do put all those emotions in to something artistic like Rap or whatever, that's what all the best artists do, this is the shit that makes you come alive believe it or not  

I'd also practice being 100% honest all the time (when you don't risk loosing your job or something extremely important because of it) so depending on who your parents are (and if they're religious) you might want to just tell them exactly why you say what you say and feel what you feel, family can be the hardest part to do that with though because "A prophet is never appreciated in his home town" etc lol

8 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

Relax man, that "you" was never real in the first place. So there's really nothing to lose.

Btw, stop saying "My ego". That's totally redundant. You = Ego. You don't have an ego. You are the ego!

All this is normal. Just keep at it. Simply observe the ego's death-throes.

This is real PROGRESS!

"The greatest con he ever pulled is he made you think you are him"
- The (fucking awesome) movie Revolver

Edited February 20, 2016 by Keyblade Viking

[WelcometoReality]

8 hours ago, DizIzMikey said:

@WelcometoReality That makes a lot of sense, thank you. Will poke the hell out of myself when I get the chance for some meditation time lol .. it was.. Why Is A Thought True? That made me flip...couldn't find the answer. 

And since ego is thought, no wonder it freaked out.

[DizIzMikey]

@Ayla Lmao.. it sure as hell doesn't want to be fired from it lmao..omg that was too funny.  

[DizIzMikey]

@Neo Maybe I'll try.. Why Am I A Thought?  

[DizIzMikey]

@Keyblade Viking Wow that makes me wonder... big time.. that's a trip...that movie sounds like a total trip, thank you for that experience.

All my insecurities, everything like that isn't me.