Family Preventing Self- Actualization

[The Monk]

@Loreena @Shin @ajasatya @Nahm I was asked by a friend to add you to this, since you are all known for given good advice. So, as amazing advice givers please listen and answer.

I'm having a huge issue,  I live with exceptionally neurotic, toxic manipulative controlling parents, and I'm 18 years old I just finished school and staying at home full time. The problem is that they are always fighting and shouting and this gives me headaches makes me stressed and have an expectation of me to do things for them such as, chores when I am working on personal development and other things. Since it's 'tradition' because I'm younger. I also get verbally abused by my brother on a daily basis and I don't know what to do. Additionally, my parents don't allow me to talk to girls since it's not 'tradition' and harms their own pride, and so I'm scolded for talking, being close to, or being friends with any girls, as they want me to marry my cousin which I think is disgusting and will lead to a  a very dysfunctional relationship and me dying unhappy if I do so.  Which really saddens me because they are constricting what I can and can't do. It's like I'm living in a cage and they controlling me.  When I try reason with them they say that they will run away and never come back or tell me about how their parents did the same and so I should shut up (whilst shouting at the top of their voices) or they threaten me by saying how they will take away my laptop or kick me out of the house.  What do I do, I can't afford to live on my own since i'm only 18?  I have also gotten serious stress problems arising because of this and have no one to talk to, I tell them I have stress and they think the solution is to go to my cousins house to play? But really it's that I want a life where I can do the things I want. I also can't even spend my own money to buy self help courses or books. Even though I worked hard to earn that money?  I also am worried about bad grades. I have 

What do I do? What do I do? I've gotten huge stress because of this, and because of this I believe I grind my teeth in my sleep, and so that is literally destroying my teeth, and the only solution is to lower my stress.  What do I do? I feel hopeless, trapped and very sad. perhaps even, suicidal. 

[ajasatya]

@The Monk if you ask me to be completely sincere, i'd get the fuck out of the place you live.

have you ever watched into the wild? i'd do the same thing except that i wouldn't go to alaska. in fact, that's what i did.

[The Monk]

@ajasatya Like I said I'm 18 and don't have the money to do so. So therefore, if I suddenly 'get out' I would likely die of starvation on the streets or lack of warmth or since I live in a rough area I'd likely die. So now what do you suggest I do realistically because that option is out the window. I have already considered that.

[ajasatya]

@The Monk you underestimate your power. right now there are thousands of people living with much less education baggage than you.

have you searched for self-sustainable communities that implement permaculture practices? have you searched for buddhist communities?

your parents are blindfolded by their own suffering.

are you willing to trade unhealthy comfort for freedom? quit this "i'm only 18" baby BS. in some families, the parents push their sons to go live up on their own at your age, but it seems like you've been trained to think like a little child.

[The Monk]

@ajasatya but I think that although I have the ability to move out, it will significantly hinder my growth if I leave with no laptop or self development books which are in my house?

[Loreena]

@The Monk  Your parents  are hampering  your growth  severely.  Not a good place  to be in.  If you're  in London  its  best if you find some counsellor to get in touch with  and get their support  to make your parents  to understand  the situation.  

If they don't,  then apply anywhere nearby for a sales job,  or other  local low level  jobs and use the  money to live in shared rented apartments.  That's  your  only chance  brother.  

Or get help  from some school /college friend who's  ready to let you stay with  him till you get financially  independent.  

Until  you don't  have your  own money,  nothing  can be practically possible  at this moment   

[The Monk]

@Loreena that's what I was thinking tbh. My parents actually own houses and rent them I wanted to have a room in one of them, but it seems like they won't give me one, since they want the income that it provides

[ajasatya]

2 minutes ago, The Monk said:

@ajasatya but I think that although I have the ability to move out, it will significantly hinder my growth if I leave with no laptop or self development books which are in my house?

this is a HUGE misconception. HUUUUUGE!

if i have to choose between laptop/books and real difficulties, i'd choose real difficulties 9999 times out of 10000. auxiliary material goods aren't worth shit compared to freedom. in the end, i'll be the one experiencing my deathbed.

[Ritu]

@The Monk  sorry , you did not ask me but I went through your post and felt like to reply so I did.

Why didn't you join your college( also you can join library ) yet , I mean if you join college so you can spend more time away from them and if it is possible Meditate everyday , atleast it would give you a mental strength to be strong enough .my point is try to spend your time more away from them because you are not financially independent yet so even if you leave your home , it will be hard for you. 

Try also to advice your parents and brother that don't do this kind of behaviour ( that I am sure you have tried ) , if they agree with you that's the best thing .

You can also search for some organisations in your city which can help you , like part time jobs , shelters ( just suggesting because if you decide to go to them be careful , they  might be fake so be careful).

See friend, we all have some problems in our life and the only thing we can do is face them because we can't go away from them .

So stay calm , you can do it .

All the best.

[Nahm]

1 hour ago, The Monk said:

@Loreena @Shin @ajasatya @Nahm I was asked by a friend to add you to this, since you are all known for given good advice. So, as amazing advice givers please listen and answer.

I'm having a huge issue,  I live with exceptionally neurotic, toxic manipulative controlling parents, and I'm 18 years old I just finished school and staying at home full time. The problem is that they are always fighting and shouting and this gives me headaches makes me stressed and have an expectation of me to do things for them such as, chores when I am working on personal development and other things. Since it's 'tradition' because I'm younger. I also get verbally abused by my brother on a daily basis and I don't know what to do. Additionally, my parents don't allow me to talk to girls since it's not 'tradition' and harms their own pride, and so I'm scolded for talking, being close to, or being friends with any girls, as they want me to marry my cousin which I think is disgusting and will lead to a  a very dysfunctional relationship and me dying unhappy if I do so.  Which really saddens me because they are constricting what I can and can't do. It's like I'm living in a cage and they controlling me.  When I try reason with them they say that they will run away and never come back or tell me about how their parents did the same and so I should shut up (whilst shouting at the top of their voices) or they threaten me by saying how they will take away my laptop or kick me out of the house.  What do I do, I can't afford to live on my own since i'm only 18?  I have also gotten serious stress problems arising because of this and have no one to talk to, I tell them I have stress and they think the solution is to go to my cousins house to play? But really it's that I want a life where I can do the things I want. I also can't even spend my own money to buy self help courses or books. Even though I worked hard to earn that money?  I also am worried about bad grades. I have 

What do I do? What do I do? I've gotten huge stress because of this, and because of this I believe I grind my teeth in my sleep, and so that is literally destroying my teeth, and the only solution is to lower my stress.  What do I do? I feel hopeless, trapped and very sad. perhaps even, suicidal. 

Thanks for the advice complement. Chores, all giving, is personal development. Let go, surrender, do for them, it's doing for you. I moved out when I was 18 and got 3 jobs while I went to college full time. My dad had anger issues. They weren't my issues, they were his. It was the gift for me, from him, which helped me to wake up and get living at an early age. I had a destiny to understand reality - at least to the extent that I would be without anger. Meditate every morning. It is not the situation which is giving you the stress, it is how you're looking at it. Live your life as if it were a story that your wrote, and now are living. That's actually true. You'll see that later in life, and I wouldn't want you to regret having wasted any time being half dead with a poor outlook. The gift you gave yourself, in this "life", is the rocky shitty start you describe. That is your gift from you. Start unwrapping your "present". Be present in the now. Start building some thought momentum about your future, short term and long. Consider simply getting the fuck outta there - you are 18 now. If you're not ready to get out and support yourself like the rest of us adults, then definitely renew your appreciation for the fact that your parents are supporting you. Let that inspire you to support yourself. Remember, they are doing their best. They don't know what they don't know, neither do you, neither do I. Good Luck !!! Love your folks! Find anything to love in them! If you want to feel love, it's simple...love. 

Also, don't underestimate food. If you're feeling stress, anxiety, poor future outlook - vs seeing opportunities, and adventures - chances are you're eating meat, sugar and bread. You're still young, that's your fault.    

Edited August 17, 2017 by Nahm

[Max_V]

I'm happy you already got some good replies, like I said, they give good advice

[Fredrik Andersson]

that's what I was thinking tbh. My parents actually own houses and rent them I wanted to have a room in one of them, but it seems like they won't give me one, since they want the income that it provides

You need to cut all ties to your family. Manipulative relationships always find a way to trying controlling you. Until you are completely free, completely on your own, your not going to be able to understand how trapped you really are right now. If you really take your PD seriously, and value your life, I suggest you get into the mindset @ajasatya  trying to drive home for you. I've done a similar journey, Im standing on the other side of it.

When your completely free, you can decide if- and how you want your relationships to be, on your own terms. Your so worth better people in your life.

38 minutes ago, Ritu said:

.my point is try to spend your time more away from them

I don't believe this will suffice.

You need to be completely cleansed from your old believes forced on you by your family. Its pretty clear to me you have a limiting belief about your ability to survive on your own. Thats often one of the things a manipulative person is drilling in to your head, and that is, or at least was for me, the reason I felt "trapped". 

Your not trapped at all. Thats what your parents want you to think, to maintain control over you.

39 minutes ago, Ritu said:

Try also to advice your parents and brother that don't do this kind of behaviour ( that I am sure you have tried ) , if they agree with you that's the best thing .

This would be trying to control someone els. And that is a waste of time in my experience. The only thing you should focus on is what you can do for you. 

First course of action is to understand the gravity of the situation. And that you have done:

"I have also gotten serious stress problems"..
"and so that is literally destroying my teeth" ..
"I feel hopeless, trapped and very sad."...

Really listen to what your saying here. Thats very tragic, and not a way to spend one more second trying to hold on to, you can see that, right?

Second, your very scared, scared of being on you own, scared of cutting the ties to the things you gotten attached to. I believe that to move forward, you need to come to a deep understanding about your choices here. The true choices. When and IF you can see, that you only really have one when it comes to dealing with toxic relationships. When that is clear to you, your ready to do whats necessary. 

Stay strong brother, I been where you are. A very similar situation. You will get out somehow, the fact that you posted here on this forum seeking the advice from the people listed above proves your a fighter, and that you want real answers and truth. You need to read the advice more carefully, and really try to understand what these people trying to say. Don't be so quick answering, take a day to just think about the advice, and how it would look in your life. Then reply with the next question. Thats what I try to do. Otherwise its you "trapped mind" coming up with reasons "why you can't" or "they don't really understand my situation" etc etc. Try to see the solution they try to give, and apply that to your specific situation.

Much love to you! 

[Shin]

6 hours ago, The Monk said:

@ajasatya but I think that although I have the ability to move out, it will significantly hinder my growth if I leave with no laptop or self development books which are in my house?

No, true growth is from the inside, you don't need anything than hard situations to deal with and doing the conscious (and hard) choice about it.

You don't need 50 self help or spiritual books to do that. Most of the stuff you can learn by yourself really, that's just an excuse.

It's not like you'll live all your life with little to no money, it's just a phase, you will buy all the good shit later, now what matters is your freedom and becoming a man.

[PetarKa]

I don't know the situation in your country, but why don't you start looking for jobs. I mean you are 18 and eligible for work. Find a place to stay, maybe a friend's place, sleep on the floor if you have to and you should be able to buy food and water for yourself with your job.

Also, could you imagine not being stressed out and still take massive action? I know it sounds cliche, but being stressed out doesn't help. Focus just on finding a solution. Stressing out is pointless and will even slow you down. Just try to change your perspective, but still strategize and make your moves -- like a game of chess. You want your freedom? Stress will not get you there...

Stay strong, stay smart. Good luck!

[PetarKa]

Also watch this:

 

[Richard Alpert]

You are old enough to work and London is probably one of the top cities for work opportunities in the world. I might be wrong, but if there is not options in London i dont no where else would be..

You can go live in a commun or as a lodger. I would guess that can be done for few hundreds pounds / month, even in London. And if you are really conservative with food, maybe 10 pounds per day is enough. So lets say total expenses are somewhere around 700 pounds per month.

I would guess that you can make 1000 pounds a month as a dishwasher or a cleaner. Even with your age and inexperience at work, i dont find it impossible that you could find 20k/year job for fulltime. Probably full time restaurant server can make something like this.