Who The Fuck Am I?

[phoenix666]

it is true, I am the devil

what I condemn in others, what I judge in others, I have in myself as well. I am just not aware of it most of the time. as soon as I become aware of my own devilish nature, all condemnation and judgment towards others starts to dissolve into thin air.

I am selfish as fuck, I want so many things. it doesn't help to act all nice and spiritual here, I have to be honest. at least to myself. I want everything: appreciation, validation, love, success, money, health, purpose, value, admiration, friendship, shelter, security, adventure, freedom, peace, beauty, comfort, luxury, honor, results... I want enlightenment. I want awakening moments, glimpses of infinity. I want to feel this big love that is all one.

I can see the irony and paradox in this. the ego wants to see that it is part of god. but as long as there is ego, no such thing is gonna happen. I can see the conflict there, from an intellectual standpoint. but I can't help it. I can't deny my desires. I want all those things. frustration arises. but as I don't resist it, something else awakens too: amusement. it truly is paradoxical. it's so deceptive, it's a piece of art. who is the genius who invented this stuff? it's an ingenious method to keep an illusion alive. incredible

why do I want all that? 

I think it's a self worth issue. I sometimes feel worthless and meaningless. in order to feel worthy, I need all those things (love, validation, success...the whole package really) I feel like I am nothing without those things. I feel empty and small. insignificant.

maybe it's time to ponder in that emptiness, meaninglessness, worthlessness, insignificance. maybe it's time to face this hole in me, which I constantly need to fill. it's time to dive into the nothingness I've always tried to run away from or cover with achieving my wants.

what resists, persists.

how do I face all that?

Edited September 26, 2017 by phoenix666

[phoenix666]

my addiction to knowing

it just hit me how addicted I am. specially the last couple of days during studying. as I read, I feel that I grasp onto the words, want to soak in all the information. I neurotically take it in, want to save it somewhere in my memory, like a possession. I don't only want to know, it's like I want to own the knowledge. and I feel bad when I forget things. it's horrible when knowledge slips through my fingers like water. 

I realize intellectually that it's me that creates value and meaning. my mind projects value on knowledge. ever since I was little, I was rewarded and appreciated when I knew something. that's why I associate not knowing with being repulsed and not loved. I associate knowledge with power, love, validation, admiration, future, success. and not knowing with being worthless and not being enough. my mind, being a programmed machine, naturally grasps onto information and is terrified of losing it.

I realize that it's all a projection. I didn't come up with this shit consciously, it was drilled into my mind when I was a little girl. in school, society in general. my parents where always big on this. specially my father. he always valued success and being the best. getting good grades opened many doors.. my father always gave me the freedom I wanted...when I brought the good grades. when I didn't, it felt like his love, appreciation and validation was taken away from me. 

fuck, no wonder it feels like hell. no wonder I put myself under such pressure before exams. exams aren't merely grades on a piece of paper. they literally equal love and being worthy for my mind.

now I get it, I get my need to be successful, I get my panic to fail. 

how do I get rid of this? how do I reprogram my subconscious mind? how do I drill into my subconscious mind, that I am worthy, no matter what? all this success and career stuff...it inherently has no meaning, I project value on it in order to feel whole.

is awareness enough? is being aware of those mechanisms enough for my mind to change? 

Edited September 27, 2017 by phoenix666

[phoenix666]

infinite regress

I am the perceiver. but I can't pin the perceiver down. where is it located? 

as I notice a thought, I label it 'thought'. It feels like I perceive it. I ask myself 'who perceives the thought'? and then I ask who asks.. there is no end to this game.. my logic tells me that this isn't going anywhere.. 

something in my mind came up today, a sentence: awareness is trying to become aware of itself. it just seemed ridiculous, I started laughing.

[phoenix666]

there are those moments (they're getting more frequent) where I become aware. aware of the moment, of what I am doing, of who (I think) I am. and then it hits me: fuck, I've just been sooo unaware. total autopilot. what was I even doing? 

my whole life I've been living like that. shit. like a machine. torn between desires and duties. running after happiness, not even knowing what happiness means. 

and I still am living my life like that. the glimpses become more frequent, but mostly I still run though life on autopilot. I slowly start to grasp the ramifications of this. the autopilot runs on a completely fucked up software. it consists of values, norms, rules, judgements, priorities I didn't even consciously think about. I start to recognize the patterns: how much of my behavior is explained, becomes understandable with how my parents, grandparents, school, friends, books and TV influenced me. 

I taught I was making decisions about my life all the time. how wrong I was.. 

I wonder who, what is making them now? I still feel like I am deciding.. only when I am more aware (meditation, yoga, contemplation, journaling) I notice how things just flow. how I am much more of an observer than a doer. 

observe, observe, observe. without judging. (it's becoming easier) 

know thyself

[phoenix666]

I ready for love

it's so ridiculous, how I've always been running away from it. I wonder why? probably because of fear. of what? being vulnerable? ending up being hurt? (I ended up being hurt anyway) and I've always felt like a victim, full of self pity. not recognizing, that I was the one hurting myself, not others. I denied myself the most beautiful thing in the world, not others! 

I always associated love with being weak. not realizing, that it's the strongest thing in the world! I thought my walls made me strong haha 

I made myself vulnerable once. I was so scared. but there was an inherent power to it as well. it all went downhill from there. I realize that now. I've stripped myself naked (emotionally). it was like putting down all my defenses and giving her a knife. looking back: fuck, was that courageous. needless to say what happened afterwards, slowly, month by month. the knife cut me into pieces. I've spent so much time piecing together my bleeding heart.

I've never understood what love is about. I feel like many people talk about without understanding it, too. I still don't get it. I still do not really, like really feel it in my bones. 

But I feel that my mind is opening up to it, slowly. It's got to be slowly, I've denied it for so long. but I am ready. 

thank you @No-Thing <3 you sent me the link to the love revolution 

I'm gonna share it again, maybe it can help someone <3

I've really discovered Matt Kahn in the last days. I love his content, it feels like exactly what I need right now. I think I wasn't ready back then. I was too closed to the idea of love, too much wrapped up in that (ironically oh so narcissistic) idea of self hatred. now I get the importance of self love. it's crucial <3

I slowly start to see in others and in the world what I see in me. I slowly start to see that the outer is a mirror of the inner world. this is huge. the world has become a much nicer place since I've stopped hating myself. once I started liking, accepting and being compassionate with myself, I magically started doing that with other people as well. it happened automatically, almost magically. 

I wonder how beautiful life must be for those wonderful people who fully love themselves. how much they must love life, the world, other people, really all creatures. I want to become one of them.

[phoenix666]

everything is here to help me.

this is new. I've never been one having faith. I've always found religious people to be weak, to not take their responsibility. 

I can't deny that I feel something, something that is slowly growing. an inner feeling of security. everything will work out, one way or another. wherever I am, is exactly where I need to be. whatever I think and feel, is exactly what I need to. everything is meant to be, and not just like this, but in order to help me. that's where I stop resisting. that's where I start embracing whatever comes my way.

there are still a lot of parts of myself which I don't like. I want to start loving them. for now I can at least say that I understand why they exist. there is that part of me which is just desperate for love. it feels very lonely. it feels left. lost. cast aside. used. forgotten. no wonder it's so desperately searching for someone to take it in it's arms. then there is the thinker, oh, that's a big one. it's smart, perfectionist, proud. I see why it's here. it helped me getting where I am right now. it opened many doors for me. it won compliments, validation, admiration and success. of course it will continue to arise. then there is the fearful one. it's shy, introverted, doesn't feel at ease around people. it also feels special. but mainly like an outcast, like a black sheep. not really fitting in anywhere.

I love them. they are here for a reason. they are here for me to learn how to love myself. they are an opportunity to rise my awareness.

whatever is, is exactly what needs to be. love is always the answer.

Edited October 2, 2017 by phoenix666

[phoenix666]

it was quite clear, after my 'spiritual high' the last weeks.. sooner or later something had to come. well, here it is. I feel stuck again. I am distracted, lost in thoughts. can't focus. again.

but something is different this time. I am aware of being unaware, at least to a degree.

and it's ok. I'm not beating myself up. Life is throwing things at me, I get distracted. this totally is an opportunity to grow! and this time I feel like I have the right mentality. I'm much more laid back. it's okay. (I don't have to like it, but it's ok) 

what is life trying to teach me? --> to integrate my spiritual insights and practices into daily life. it's a long process, I need patience. but one day I'll walk through life in a flow, I am sure. no need to rush, I'm confident that things will somehow fall into place.

what I discover more and more about myself: I love helping people. (it's kinda pleasing for the ego, too, I admit) but nowadays it's more and more helping for helping's sake. 

all in all: I don't think I "fell back down the spiritual/awareness/vibrational ladder". I don't think that's even possible. I just face old problems with a new mindset and the difference is noticeable. everything is less forced, less of a struggle. is flow  supposed to feel like this? if so, then I like it and can't wait for more.

[phoenix666]

panta rhei

everything's in flux. everything changes, comes and goes.

yet there something which seems to be present all the time. this sense of being me, the sense of 'I'. there is no denying that 'I' feel very real to myself. 'no self' is still very much only an idea for me. I had a glimpse on that scary trip, but looking back, I wasn't ready back then. It scared the hell outta me. I had nothing to old onto. only now I can see the beauty in that. 

the only thing which also seems to be constant in me (slightly changing, but in a never ending cycle) is my breath. is that a coincidence? or is there something in the breath? 

inhale: welcome whatever comes up

exhale: let it go

[phoenix666]

I was so charged, I was so motivated, I felt like nothing could knock me down.

now I am stuck in fish love. (at least I can laugh about the term 'fish love' hilarious!) I felt like being honest, wearing my heart on my sleeve. then, before I could gather the courage, words crushed me, little by little. 

Is it just fish love?

is it just parts of myself being projected onto another person? 

I don't understand. I feel like I really made some huge progress in the last months. why does some stupid, shallow crush still hurt so much? I don't know what to do. 

maybe I feel to proud to let myself feeling hurt and sad. maybe my spiritual ego doesn't allow bad emotions. I know that in order to feel good, I have to allow whatever arises. maybe if I write it down, it helps reprogramming my subconscious mind.

It's ok. it's ok to feel sad. it's ok to feel rejected. it's ok to feel lonely. it's ok to feel desire, to reach out to others. it's ok to want being held. it's ok to want being hugged. it's ok to want being loved.

I don't know how to stop looking for validation from other people. I don't know how to stop wanting love from other people.

[phoenix666]

everything is here to help me

 

all that is, is exactly what should be. everything is here to help me becoming a better version of myself. it's crucial to keep that in mind. it's so easy to forget it in daily life. but it's crystal clear. why shouldn't it be? 

I'm a manifestation of the universe. the universe is trying to become fully conscious through me. emerging consciousness is the motor of evolution and awareness is trying to become aware of itself through every being. 

partly this is just another belief I have. but there is also a deep feeling of security there. something I can't explain in words. like a deep rooted trust that everything is going towards higher consciousness. also, looking back I can see it clearly: whatever came my way, especially the bad stuff which caused a lot of pain, made me grow. everything helped me growing. it all helped me becoming the person I am right now. 

the dark chapters in my life (x x x x..) are what shaped me the most. I would have never ever discovered actualized.org, self development, spirituality, yoga, meditation.. I am so thankful. thank you. <3 talking about butterfly effect <3

everything is here to help me. I just have to keep that present.

[phoenix666]

nature is therapeutic. 

there is something magical about nature. if you observe silently, you'll notice. it's calm, self sustaining. it knows no past and no future. it's completely embedded in the present moment. it has no worry and no stress. it's silent. it's giving.

siddhartha learned from nature, he learned from the river. we humans tend to think that we're smarter than nature. we exploit it, look down on it, feel superior. how silly  be humble, let nature be your guide and teacher. I think there lies a deep wisdom in it, we just need to become silent enough to hear and see it again. again because we used to listen to nature much more. back to the roots, back into the woods 

there is a raw beauty in all of it. <3 nature is curative.