Who The Fuck Am I?

[phoenix666]

No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it's not the same river and he's not the same man. -Heraclitus

I become more aware of that with every day. I change, I change so much that at this point I wouldn't be able to describe my personality (which I didn't struggle to do in my past). I changed then too, I just wasn't aware of it. I created a personality with exact characteristics. I noticed changes, but very slowly. 

now it's a whirlwind, a constant flux. opposites turn into each other. there isn't one characteristic I could name, without also admitting that the sheer opposite fits my description as well.

I see it in yoga too. every day the same routine. every time the same positions, the same movements. but it's never the same. I could repeat a movement a hundred times and each time would feel different: my breath, my thoughts, noises, tensions, relaxations, muscles, pain, release.. 

panta rhei.

[Wes Thoughts]

@phoenix666 I am really struggling with distraction too! The question I keep asking is will this be worth it? Will letting go of 'having a life' saying no to the distractions as they arise and opt to stay home to meditate, self inquire or learn more theory and be alone really bring me true happiness? It sure doesn't seem like it now.

On 9/21/2017 at 6:36 AM, phoenix666 said:

but then again, I've never felt more calm, happy even. 

I guess it really goes full circle. first you abstain from pleasure. then, everything becomes pleasure. 

Has this honestly become true for you? Are you happier feeling "like an outsider, an outcast, a black sheep"?

[phoenix666]

@Wes Thoughts I really feel you!

it's periods wise. sometimes it seems like it, sometimes not. but the trend definitely goes towards yes, this is what I truly am here for, the is will bring me happiness. 

I'm far from 'everything becomes pleasure' right now, I must admit. but it is true, that I slowly start to see little joys here and there, specially in the small things I would have ignored some time ago. my mood shifted from 60-80% worried, grumpy, bitter, angry or depressed to 80% excited, calm, happy, amused. so I guess yeah, it's true.  

right now in this moment I am sure that this is it. this is what we're here for. 

I hope this can motivate you! <3

[Wes Thoughts]

@phoenix666 Awesome. Yeah that does help. I am so used to chasing external happiness. But if I am honest with myself I should be able to see that that doesn't bring true bliss. It's more feelings of fleeting joy on the roller coaster of emotions. I just have the fear of missing out when I turn down options that sound like they would be 'fun'.

[phoenix666]

@Wes Thoughts I really understand, I still have the same doubts sometimes. I am not a complete ascetic, btw the opposite, I enjoy life very much lately.. but in a very different way than I did before: small things. like listening to a moving piece of classical music, watching tree brunches in the wind, eating wonderful fruits and things like that. it takes some effort: mindfulness, slowing things down, focus on only one activity, doing less things. it was a big struggle for me actually, I was addicted to multitasking, working my ass off for uni, doing sports, reading, studying, always doing. needless to say that meditation was very difficult for me at the beginning. 

then I decided to expand my mindfulness practice into my daily life, not just during meditation. (my retreat really helped me with that and Leo's video about the lifestyle of minimalism) 

so I enjoy things immensely, but in a very different way. it shifted from a hedonistic kind of numbing myself down, running away from problems and fear, creating drama and just having the 'mainstream kind of fun' to a mindful, peaceful und calm kind of enjoyment.

it's hard to put this stuff into words, I hope I managed to get my point across

[Wes Thoughts]

Yeah. You really explained it well here: 

1 hour ago, phoenix666 said:

so I enjoy things immensely, but in a very different way. it shifted from a hedonistic kind of numbing myself down, running away from problems and fear, creating drama and just having the 'mainstream kind of fun' to a mindful, peaceful und calm kind of enjoyment.

What retreat did you take to help you with mindfulness?

[phoenix666]

@Wes Thoughts it was 5 day silent retreat. with different yoga, vipassana, walking meditation, zen practices. I definitively want to go on more retreats. I already planned my next silent retreat for the coming winter. I'm so thankful for Leo's tipp, he suggested me a retreat. it is a very powerful tool. in 5 days you can make months-worth of progress 

[phoenix666]

Breath is 'my' only constant. it's the only part of the vegetative nervous system that we can influence consciously. there must be something more to it. why do so many meditational/awareness/spiritual practices center around the breathing?

as I watch my breathing I noticed two patterns

1. it becomes shallow and short, like I'm about to panic. I become tense and my breath becomes more and more shallow and quick. it feels like I am about to suffocate (not as pleasant. when I try too hard and unintentionally try to control it instead of just observing) what is this? is it fear? agitation? I don't know.. I probably have to face it. question it..

2. it becomes deeper and slower. it seems like it stretches out in time. it feels like time actually is slowing down. (very pleasant) this happens when I actually manage to just observe. no judgement. no control (not so easy!)

it seems like I perceive my breathing. who is this perceiver? it feels like it is 'the real me'. but where is it located? I can't find it..

[ajasatya]

3 hours ago, phoenix666 said:

Breath is 'my' only constant. it's the only part of the vegetative nervous system that we can influence consciously. there must be something more to it. why do so many meditational/awareness/spiritual practices center around the breathing?

the entire universe is a huge breathing thing. it goes infinitely from big bang to big crunch and then to big bang again. the breath is a doorway to the mystery of the present moment.

[phoenix666]

@ajasatya how do you open that doorway?

it also came to my mind that the breath could be the doorway between the conscious and the unconscious mind? how do you get through that portal? 

[ajasatya]

6 hours ago, phoenix666 said:

@ajasatya how do you open that doorway?

it also came to my mind that the breath could be the doorway between the conscious and the unconscious mind? how do you get through that portal? 

you have to practice a lot, but it's like fishing. it doesn't matter how good you are at fishing, in the end it isn't you who make the fish bite the fishhook.

if you want to attain domain over satori, you have to allow meditation to be the most common and intimate thing to you. you have to live in meditation 24/7 just like the masters (ramana maharashi, shinzen young, shunryo suzuki, siddhartha gautama etc). you have to become a master. do you know what it takes to be a master?

[phoenix666]

@ajasatya I really like the fishing analogy <3 perfect.

fuck, that's hard. I wonder if it's even possible to live in meditation while functioning in our modern society with uni, exams, work, deadlines and all that going on. hmm. discipline, endurance, motivation,  inspiration, vision, balance, patience, passion, focus, strategy, flexibility....?

[ajasatya]

2 minutes ago, phoenix666 said:

fuck, that's hard. I wonder if it's even possible to live in meditation while functioning in our modern society with uni, exams, work, deadlines and all that going on.

there are a lot of people doing it. i am doing it. if you have these illusory barriers in your mind, it means that you simply don't want it yet.

5 minutes ago, phoenix666 said:

discipline, endurance, motivation,  inspiration, vision, balance, patience, passion, focus, strategy, flexibility....?

imagine yourself listing all these things to ramana maharashi and finishing your sentence with an interrogative tone just like you did. he would look at your eyes very deeply and smile in a funny way.

what do you see?

[phoenix666]

14 minutes ago, ajasatya said:

there are a lot of people doing it. i am doing it. if you have these illusory barriers in your mind, it means that you simply don't want it yet.

you are? how did you reach that level of awareness? was it like a gradual increase? like did your meditative/aware state just expand more and more from when you were actively meditating to 24h a day? 

I believe you, and I am deeply impressed. <3 but I guess there is some part of me that still doesn't hold it as possible for me.

14 minutes ago, ajasatya said:

imagine yourself listing all these things to ramana maharashi and finishing your sentence with an interrogative tone just like you did. he would look at your eyes very deeply and smile in a funny way.

what do you see?

hahaha I really like your way of commenting, I noticed it before, your words always trigger something in me. something subtle like calm amusement. the same amusement I see now in this face. but ramana maharashi's amusement in this picture also seems knowing and full of wisdom. (mine is full of questions)

hmm.. I see him thinking something along the lines of: "oh, you silly little soul. full of thoughts, concepts and ideas. I love your eagerness. but you have to stop doing. and start being."

yeah, I see him saying something like that. but in a very loving, caring, soft and compassionate way.

Edited September 24, 2017 by phoenix666

[ajasatya]

30 minutes ago, phoenix666 said:

loving, caring, soft and compassionate

why aren't you loving, caring, soft and compassionate?

[phoenix666]

3 minutes ago, ajasatya said:

why aren't you loving, caring, soft and compassionate?

am I not?

not always.. when I shift away from awareness, I am not.

but I want to be, I try to be. I am much more than I was in my past. I really want to become even more loving, caring and compassionate..

[ajasatya]

2 minutes ago, phoenix666 said:

am I not?

not always.. when I shift away from awareness, I am not.

but I want to be, I try to be. I am much more than I was in my past. I really want to become even more loving, caring and compassionate..

you're doing great
it's just that your priorities aren't completely aligned with Truth yet. let me explain how i did it, since you asked.

there was a point from which i decided to sit like siddhartha, walk like jesus, smile like maharashi, be healthy like sharath jois, speak like adyashanti and do good like sadhguru.
it's a long process but i think that's the highest potential for a human being.
i am about to finish my masters, but it doesn't matter that much. my academic role is just a play. this is why i became able to meditate 24/7: i threw away the illusory roles and my mental space became very VAST.

if you continue going to retreats, your priorities will shift naturally. this is why i said that you're doing great.

from yogi to yogi,
much love.
ajasatya

[phoenix666]

thank you so much, @ajasatya your words are pure gold <3 I am so glad that I joined this forum, you guys are such an inspiration. you're part of something very special, I can feel it.

the part with the priorities is true, I think you hit something right there. My priorities have changed since I came on this path..very much. and they still are in development. I hope that one they they'll really be aligned with Truth, both in my conscious and subconscious mind.

sit, walk, smile, be healthy, speak and do good like all those great masters..sounds like a wonderful place to live life from. how did you manage that exactly? was it a conscious decision, did you 'just copy' them? or was it a subconscious process? how did you know them so well to be able to walk in their shoes? biographies?

wow, you're amazing! I also had this insight a couple of weeks ago: that I identified (I still do to some degree..) with all those roles: being a great student, becoming a good doctor, becoming an excellent surgeon.. that identification put a lot of pressure on my shoulders and made me very goal/results oriented and neurotic. once I became aware, the identifications became weaker and at this point I am much more relaxed about studying, work, etc. it's not just a play yet, but I hope that it will be, some day. (like it was for Siddhartha, all just a game) 

thank you very much, you're a big inspiration. 

from yogi-hopefully-to-be to yogi

[ajasatya]

8 minutes ago, phoenix666 said:

how did you manage that exactly? was it a conscious decision, did you 'just copy' them? or was it a subconscious process? how did you know them so well to be able to walk in their shoes? biographies?

i was listening to sadhguru once and something that he said hit me really hard. he said something like "i talk a lot. i teach yoga. i prepare people to teach yoga. but my real goal is to teach you to sit like this. if you only learn how to sit like this i consider my job done with you."

then i observed how all of those masters sit. they're all super relaxed. relaxed face expressions. so i started to study why i wasn't able to sit like they sit. it became very practical. every time i sit, i would observe how relaxed i allow myself to be.

gensho sensei was explaining about one fundamental difference between the occidental and the oriental way to learn. in the occident we want to understand before trying. in the orient they imitate, and experience how it feels first. only then they reason about it. so yes. in the beginning it's an imitation but it's the key for me to have a glimpse of what they feel. then i practice and practice until it becomes me.

in zen we bow to buddha. we bow to our true nature. but it's not about devotion. it's about allowing oneself to experience true humility of heart, which is where the deepest peace comes from. if you're not humble, you will not be able to experience peace. so we bow and bow until it reaches us through our body movement. the body language is extremely powerful.

when i remember maharashi's eyes, i feel his humility. his graceful way to express himself with his body. his way of wishing happiness for everybody.

[phoenix666]

@ajasatya  I read your comment a couple of times and let it resonate in my mind during dinner. then I actually had to google who those masters sit. you're right, they have a different way of moving, sitting, smiling, standing, general being. relaxed, at peace, calm, without resistance. truly beautiful. 

I see how powerful this method of learning can be. i wonder why it hasn't been more present in the west as well, since imitation is the most fundamental way of learning in the animal kingdom and also for newborns. in mimicking motions and postures, we start to feel the same. I've read about it, but I've never actually tried it myself (not consciously since I was a baby/little girl). 

I'm just a little confused because of Leo's video about the Devil. at the end he warns about the danger of just behaving like we know that we're all one without feeling it. that that's just gonna create more devilry and spiritual ego? (I feel a bit guilty there, cause intellectually I slowly start piecing it all together and I know about, I believe in the Truth of no self... but I haven't felt that all is one yet)

anyway, I am deeply impressed by your way of living and I can feel that your words are coming from a deep and loving place. I want to try what you wrote about imitating the masters. when it worked subconsciously as a baby, it has to work now as well.

thank you <3