Who The Fuck Am I?

[phoenix666]

I've always had a fable for writing things down, for it is a very concrete form of self reflection. Whilst finding words for my feelings and thoughts, I also realize that they can never ever live up to what really is going on in my mind. That's scary. But also calming, because it makes me realize that in the very end - nothing REALLY matters - not the words that I compose and not the strange sensations in my head. writing it all down is liberating nonetheless. 

This journal is the map to my inner me. Piece by piece I want to flick it all together - or unravel what I think is 'me', not sure about that yet. The more I go on this journey though, the more I feel like I am not what I always thought I am. So probably the unraveling option. 

I'll keep in mind: there is the option to not find myself, ever. The option, that there is nowhere to arrive to. No 'me' at the end of the route. But it's not enough to think it, I have to experience it. (I always have to, I never believe what others tell me. I always have to live it myself. One of my biggest weaknesses. Maybe also one of my most precious strengths, I don't really know.) Maybe I'll find out.

 

Edited August 17, 2017 by phoenix666

[phoenix666]

1 hour SDS

results: slight back pain. my back and my neck felt like they were burning off my skin

no, seriously. I had some pretty wonderful moments, specially half way through. It actually resembles the spiritual path, or really life in general. It's a constant UP AND DOWN. as I reach a peak, I feel like I'm floating in heaven. then I fall back down in a crash. until I slowly creep back to baseline (with disappointment and frustration). the trick is probably to know that after a high, a down has to come. it mildes the crash and saves the disappointment (some of it is maybe unavoidable. but then, what is disappointment? a fleeting emotion, just accept it, embrace it. what exactly does it feel like? surrender to it)

I can't but notice, that the baseline is slowly - really, like really fucking slowly - but constantly rising. 

sometimes when I meditate I get this strange feeling: like my face is somehow melting away. or dissolving. I get this image of my head, without a face. a faceless person. and I feel something opening, like something bursting out of my face and then slowly expanding.

 

 

Edited August 18, 2017 by phoenix666

[phoenix666]

THE CHAMELEON

Through the years I noticed that every time I had to describe myself (in a brief oral introduction or also in a more elaborate text at school or so) I struggled to pin down my characteristics. Looking back now, I can see that if you compare what I wrote...it seems like it's about completely different personalities. 

I sometimes feel shocked about the changes I went through. When I look at my past I sometimes feel I was another person. I also realized that everyone who knows me, knows only a tiny little fraction of myself. and not just that, but a completely different fraction than anybody else. They would probably describe me in such way, that if you compared their descriptions, you wouldn't guess they are about the same person.

Growing up, I always had the feeling that I don't fit in anywhere. but looking back I could also say that I fit in everywhere I want. like a shapeshifter. and I did, I kind of morphed from one group to another, often having the feeling to live in multiple different worlds. Those worlds being completely independent from each other, only kind of joined through me. 

I struggled with myself because I couldn't pinpoint my personality, EVERY ASPECT of  it. I always thought to be one way, only to find out later that I was the complete opposite. It always came as a shock and resulted in insecurity and massive confusion: am I confident or do I doubt myself? am I courageous or anxious? introverted or extroverted? straight, bi or lesbian? practical or theoretical? happy or sad? calm or excited? passionate or platonic? romantic or only interested in sex? quiet or bubbly? greedy or giving? a doer or a thinker? a dreamer or practical? rational or emotional? lazy or a work bee? intelligent or dumb? do I care or not give a fuck? .....

I slowly come to realize that I am none of those things. and all of them. It wasn't one big insight like I wish it would be. It's a very slow, ongoing process. Bit by bit I start to stop wondering 'am I A or B?' I am neither A nor B. I am A and B. Or not even that, I sometimes just do not know anything about myself anymore.

Edited August 22, 2017 by phoenix666

[phoenix666]

Sometimes I feel massive resistance. I wonder what is the best way to encounter it?

I usually bitch out (already figured, that's not the best way) is it good to go exactly there, to go the path of most resistance? bite the bullet, embrace it, surrender to it? it's painful..

[phoenix666]

I have so many identifications. so many traits, roles and personalities I've identified myself with through the years. I noticed that's exactly the reason why I enjoy reading so much (I still do) and watching TV-series and movies (I've limited that down). 

It's all about identification. If I can't identify with the hero, or in my case, usually an anti-hero, I don't care about the whole thing. I story touches me, when I can think myself in the role of the hero. I see myself in her. or I fall in love with a character and interact with her in my head. usually I am more fascinated by female characters because it's easier to identify myself with them. and then my mind goes on autopilot, constructing relationships and adventures about different characters. each one of them is a part of myself. 

I am addicted to this shit. My mind is desperate to identify itself with characters, it latches onto every personality it's fascinated by.

Roles I identified myself with for so long and I am no ready to let go of (slowly):

• metalhead 
• med student/future doctor (it's what I do and will do, not what I am)
• the bad girl (I gave that up quite some time ago, without even being conscious of it)
• the nerd (I don't care about grades anymore, I just want to become a good doctor = actually helping people) 

I love metal, but it is in fact very aggressive, specially the black/death stuff. It's violent and I always liked the power that comes out of it. Nothing bad about it, but I feel it's time for a change. I can't be stuck in this 'fuck the world' and 'I hate everything' forever. It was right for a long time (troubled Sturm und Drang years). It's not that I have to say goodbye, I will still listen to it when I feel like it. 

but I feel like changing the 'I hate everything' into love. I always thought love is pathetic.....and maybe it is, but my attitude was as well. and who the fuck cares? people change and I love changing because no growth can occur in stagnancy.

I just discovered Tschaikowsky, love it <3

[phoenix666]

Can the perceiver perceive himself? As sensations arise in my body, I can watch them. If I can watch them, I can't be them. Ergo --> I can't be my body. I slowly come at peace with that. I still identify with it, but this projection starts to frail...

Same goes for what I see, hear, feel and the biggest obstacle for me what I THINK. If I can watch all those things, I can't be them, can I?

[phoenix666]

what I learned from my retreat. or better: how my behavior changed

what did I learn?

There are parts of me that I resist to. (what resists persists) I don't feel fully comfortable in my body and I am full of tension, specially when I am stressed and specially in the neck/shoulder area. I am stressed, I am addicted to doing and being productive. I identify with a lot of labels that then force a lot pressure on me. I look for approval and love, I care so much about what others think of me because I wanna be accepted, loved and admired. I wasn't always like this, there was a time where I didn't give a fuck.

How did my behavior change?

I started a Yoga practice. I already feel less tense, have better posture and flexibility. I meditate more consistently. I slowed down my daily life. LESS IS MORE. I do less and what I do I do more slowly. I feel less stressed and I am more aware of when stress overcomes me: it's very physical. I tense up, my breathing becomes faster and shallow. When I notice it, I watch the tension and try to release it with every exhale.

Next steps: Journaling, work on why I care so much about what others think of me, start to not only accept, but also embrace the parts of me I still resist to (shadow?). stop identifying myself with labels. I am what I am.

[phoenix666]

what I learned from my yoga practice - or rather, how my behavior is changing 

I learn how watch my breath, my body, the motions, the sensations. the subtle shifts before, during and after each asana. the flow, the focus, the process of getting lost in thoughts. and catching myself getting lost in mental masturbation. how unease and impatience arise..slowly, but with an underlying force, how they tense my body up and shorten my breath. as boredom arises..seducing me with the sweetness of all kinds of distractions. thoughts, phantasies, things to do, everything that shifts my focus away from the torturous slowness of yoga. As I notice all that, I shall not judge my resistance..but welcome it with a slight grin "here you are, coming back again. you cheeky bastard!" as I focus back on my breath and loosen up my muscles, I feel like coming back into the moment.

patience, quietness, calmness, flow, relaxation, focus, acceptance.

The soft overcomes the hard.

[phoenix666]

sometimes I try, try, try so hard until its becomes frustrating. I give up, almost forget about it and then boom! it happens, effortlessly. just like that.

I've been trying to have a lucid dream for months over the last year. I made some progress; my dreams started getting much more frequent and more vivid. I even once became conscious that I was dreaming (then I immediately snapped out of it and woke up because I got excited). The last months I almost forgot about the lucid dreaming thing. It was somewhere in the back of mind like "oh yeah, there is this thing...I'd like it. would be kinda cool. But I don't wanna force it. Maybe it happens, maybe not. I'm ok with whatever happens." 

the last weeks my dreams became more frequent and more vivid again. not because I tried to have a lucid dream, but just as a nice side effect of my new yoga, awareness and deepened meditation practices. I was quite happy about it, but I still didn't feel the need to try anything. and then

BOOM! I was walking around on a Cuban beach, full of rich people, sweating their cream smeared ass off in the sun. drinking sweet cocktails, turning their backs on the poverty and misery behind the beaches. I realized "oh, I am in Cuba and I can't be. I must be dreaming it." just like that. I stayed cool. I decided to walk around and became a little disgusted by the tourists. I decided to take a walk through the neighborhood, taking a look on the rotting houses (it probably wasn't Cuba, but in the dream I was sure it was)

I remembered it as soon as I woke up. There are so many possibilities in exploring my dreams and there is a lot of room for improvement there, I think. I guess there are many degrees of awareness to reach and I didn't have a really high one. I realized I was in a dream and I had a sense of controlling my actions, but it was a little distant and hazy. I hope I will be able to deepen that experience.

exploring my dreams is like diving into my subconscious mind, it's probably a good and entertaining way to get to know my hidden parts, my shadow and such. 

Maybe things happen by accident, I can't force them. But I guess training makes me more prone to accidents?

[phoenix666]

writing

writing is like a valve for inner turmoil. whenever thoughts are raging, the mind is racing like a monkey on crack and the body is tensing, it's all just a big chaos in my head. rationalization, analyzation and conceptualization, it's all just the same trap of running in wheel like a schizophrenic hamster. 

writing all that crap down is curative. it's shining a light of awareness on all that mental masturbation, instead of trying to ignore or suppress it (which in turn just makes it stronger, what resists persists). it's looking at what's going on in my mind. processing it, ordering it and making sense of it. it's getting to know myself. 

writing it down is making an active move to release it. as I write it on paper or type it in my computer, I let it go. (speaking it out is also a form of letting it go) but the act of writing forces even more active processing, ordering and understanding. it's slower and more contemplative, yet can be very raw and intuitive. sometimes it comes from a deep place you don't even know you have

when I look on stuff I wrote time ago, I often feel like it's not even written by me. did I really write this? would I really think this way? would I express myself this way? what the fuck did I think? who is this person in my past?

so it really seems that by writing, something leaves. not only the energy involved in the act of moving, which exits the body. something more subtle leaves the mind. it's like you put something of yourself into the words and it leaves you with the ink. you slowly get rid of everything you think. you notice it, think it all through, sort it out. and then you give it into your words. gone

not all of it, but it loses some of its force.

[phoenix666]

Sometimes I can't but feel that everything happens for a reason. The people we bump into, who we bond with. what happens to us (whether good or bad, if such distinction even exists.)

I actually start to feel that in fact, there is no such thing as good or bad. It feels like it in the moment (but even that feeling is getting weaker and weaker). but in the long run I can see that illusion frail. looking back everything could be seen as 'good' (or bad, if I wanted to, but I am not as negative as I was before). nothing made me grow like the things I labelled as 'bad' at that time. the good things were nice and all, but I didn't really learn much from them. they remain as a good memory, cushy to think back and maybe to use as some sort of motivation. but the really bad shit was it that really kicked my lazy ass into motion and forced me to change.

 

[phoenix666]

from royally fucked up to seemingly stable enough to be asked for advice

well, I really have no idea where that came from. when did I stope being the basket case? when did I stop being the one crying at a party? when did I stop being the one drowning in drama? 

and when did I start being the one who gets asked for advice? like genuinely. not just I helped you, know I can help me. but really 'you seem so strong and at peace, I feel like you can help me'-asking. 

it really came out of the blue. two friends confided in me some weeks ago, it seemed no big deal. last week other 3-4 opened themselves about what they where struggling with. all people I considered as very stable and at a good place in life, some even older and more experienced than me. they suddenly told me about their suffering. (fears, anxiety, apathy, depression, disorders..) 

I asked one of them why she suddenly felt the need to talk to me about her problems. she said she felt safe with me, like I could be someone who can help. that I seem strong and stable. that she felt like she could really trust me. that I would never judge her.

and when she told me, I felt that she was right. I wouldn't judge. I still catch myself doing it from time to time, but the judging gets weaker. I start feeling more and more compassion for people. like I start sensing their pain. and I feel a deep want to help them. 

I am probably not good at giving advice. But I stopped preaching some time ago. I just try to be the best version of myself, hoping to be an example and maybe even an inspiration for some. and I think just me listening to them and asking them to describe how they feel, already helped. 

It felt so good. It really put me into a higher state of consciousness. yesterday I went to bed with a big smile. 

I was always kind of afraid that 'I want to help people' was just some empty phrase, I used as an excuse for becoming a successful doctor. But no, I really felt it in my heart. this was not about me. not about stroking my ego. not about validation. really just about helping and raising others. it came from a deep place.

[The Monk]

@phoenix666 It's great that you're asking these questions to yourself, it seems like you're making real progress on your spiritual journey. 

I would say some truths to you about who you are. But I don't want to spoil the wisdom and experience that you will acquire later on. 

[phoenix666]

@The Monk thank you, your words are a real motivation.

hahaha are you sure you don't want to spoil? you made me so curious..

[The Monk]

@phoenix666 Yeah, I'm sure... 

[phoenix666]

I see, hear, smell, taste, sense. but I am not a sight, sound, smell, taste or touch. that's quite clear to me.

I think and I feel. That's what I usually identify with: my thoughts, especially my inner voice and my feelings/emotions. for the most part in daily life I'm completely immersed. sometimes I get more aware and realize that I am not any of them. I get those small moments of -wtf, wait. I can hear my inner voice talking and talking. I can see my mind firing thought after thought. I can feel my emotional body sending sensations all over me. I perceive all of that, I am not it.- those moments are gradually becoming more frequent. 

when I meditate or do consciousness work, I can see my thoughts, hear my inner voice and feel my emotions. I am not them. I am the one perceiving them. But I can't grasp where/who this perceiver is. 

I know that's the point. I know there is no one to grasp. I know it on an intellectual/rational level. I still have to feel it. But I want to, I want to feel that nothingness in my bones...

[phoenix666]

Spirit guide meditation:

I am not sure what really came spontaneously and what I only made up (maybe it's all just the same?) (maybe everything comes spontaneously from nothingness and we just think we made it up ourselves?) however, the spirit guide gave me money. I don't really know what that means.

Do I feel lack? do I feel financially insecure? I don't think so.

I feel financially dependent. for sure

Maybe I am still attached to materialism far too much for a spiritual and minimalist life style. for sure. 

But I am working on both problems. maybe my spirit guide just wanted to remind me.

 

I had a lucid dream, my second so far. It again, just happened without forcing it. In the middle of my dream (it was an intimate dream about my ex..) I realized I was dreaming. I stayed relaxed, cool and just surrendered to the sensations. A man came with the intuition to kill me (for some reason, I just knew that, but I was not afraid, I stayed cool). there was another man, a bodyguard who shocked him with a teaser. later during my dream, I remembered, that all characters of the dreams are actually me. this is a great opportunity to get to know myself, to talk actively to my subconscious mind. so I went talking to the man who had wanted to kill me and asked him why. fuck, I don't remember his answer. then I went talking to the bodyguard. I don't remember that conversation either. what a shame. but a good experience nonetheless.

Edited September 20, 2017 by phoenix666

[Milos Uzelac]

@phoenix666 Hey great journal I was slacking off on writing entries in mine and practicing yoga on my own but reading your experiences motivated me now to start again and not distract myself! Thanks for that and I wish you results in doing these valuable introspections. ?

[phoenix666]

@Milos Uzelac thank you so much for your kind words! they motivate me as well. I was on holiday last week, so I didn't do my yoga.. I started today and I felt a big difference...it was a bit of a struggle, but I felt so great afterwards. and my meditation right after was very intense. there really is a difference and the more you practice, the more you feel it. keep on training, it really is like a muscle...awareness, concentration, motivation, flexibility, observation, calmness, balance.. the more you practice, the stronger, easier and more pleasurable it gets. <3

[phoenix666]

distraction

holy fuck, that's huge. I can see it clearly now. every time I made some progress on my spiritual path, something came up. ever since I started. friends, hobbies, family, education, sport, partying, uni, some big exam. specifically and especially: love (rather being in love) either with a real person or with some fantasy in my head, thought stories..

it seemingly comes out of nowhere and swipes me away. away from awareness and consciousness and right into fantasy land. plans for my future, fantasies about love, success, really everything that could be. away from what is now.

what you really have to do on this path, is to let go off things. letting go of 'having a life'. I really start being one of those people society would call 'boring, she doesn't have a life'.

sometimes I feel like an outsider, an outcast, a black sheep. but then again, I've never felt more calm, happy even. 

I guess it really goes full circle. first you abstain from pleasure. then, everything becomes pleasure.