How To Deal With Craving Social-approval

[Afonso]

I'm doing a lot of exercises to release pockets of energy related to craving and fear. I notice that the theme comes up again and again: wanting social-approval.

It goes like this: lack of social-approval -> loneliness -> death?

Relating this craving to childhood has done very little to vanish this nagging tendency completely.

I know that by meditating more and more and just letting go of what I'm feeling right now, I'll eventually dissolve these pockets of energy. Nevertheless, it would be useful to speed up this process so I can prevent suffering and constant automatic thoughts about how others are perceiving me or what they might be thinking/saying about me.

Does anyone know of a good exercise to address this issue or to go to the deep root of the problem? I've thought about Leo's solo retreat, but I'm not able to spend 10 days alone in my current life-situation, nor do I think that only 10 days will fix the root issue. I've also watched the video of "not caring about others' opinions" which did little to nothing to me.

Thanks! 

Edited August 15, 2017 by Afonso

[ajasatya]

@Afonso hello there.

unfortunately, there's no way to speed this process up. purifying oneself from the desire for social approval hurts for real. the best thing you can do is try to find that pain with consciousness and observe it. feel it. this way, the process will happen on its own speed. trying to avoid the pain will slow it down.

patience, young man. purification is a high task. are you present now? how does your breath feel?

[Afonso]

@ajasatya Haha, I love you! 

[LaucherJunge]

You basically translated this problem into the root already if it is not an egoic cop out that you said death. If you manage to mentally overcome fear of death this problem will cease. Of course it is easier said than done but basically the best way i know is just continue your practise and be patient. As i learned from Osho a man who is unhappy clings to life while a man that is happy is not afraid of death.

[Nahm]

@Afonso I don't know why, but I really love your avatar pic. It's so you. So honest or something. Awesome. No words for it really. 

My suggestion on the social approval issue....start noticing the stark difference between a thought and your actual awareness. 

You have never, are not now at all, and will never have one drop of awareness about what anyone else is thinking. Recognize it is simply a thought of yours. Even when you see people's faces, and you'd bet your life you know what they're thinking, you don't. I could smile at you while I say hello! And you might think "well, he's a happy fucker". But then I go back in my car and cry. I could be sitting in the window of Starbucks, tears running down my face, and as you see me through the window while driving off, you might think, "what a pussy. That guy needs to get it together". Meanwhile, I'm inside so full of joy and love, that it has overwhelmed my capacity, again. You NEVER know what someone else is thinking - that's just a thought of yours. 

Let the thoughts of social acceptance and approval simply remind you what all thoughts should remind you - that you are returning to awareness mode, and breathing from your belly!

 

[sgn]

Self-acceptance.

[Sri McDonald Trump Maharaj]

Maybe you can deal with this problem by journaling about how you feel and what you seek from other people and noticing what's happening in your body while talking to others?  

[Shin]

When you'll look retrospectively at how social pleasing was stupid:

 

 

 

[Gabriel Antonio]

Go the other way around. 

Consciously go after situations in which you WILL get disapproval, and BE WITH THE NEGATIVE EMOTION. Be with the discomfort of people calling you an asshole, imature son-of-a-bitch, twat etc. Have you tried the exercise Leo gives at the end of the episode you mentioned? These are called comfort zone challenges. Trust me, it is painful to do them, but they work. 

I can't see how a 10-day solo retreat would help you with that. 

Set an intention of being more authentic, of developing your voice. 

Some examples of practices: 

- Express your emotions more fully with your face. If you like something, smile. If you don't, frown. 

- When someone irritates you, breathe deeply. 

- Contradict people more often. 

- Be more negative (A lot of us, people pleasers, have a "gotta be positive" mentality that is ULTRA fake. If you don't like something, tell that you don't like. Every time you lie, another layer is put upon your essence). 

People pleasing is a complete lie. Watch this: 

If you want to see more examples of comfort zone challenges, check this channel out: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCroYHo_HahYil30_1YcjFnw 

I have learned that regarding shyness, fear of rejection etc. is to face it head-on. Otherwise, you will get very weak results. 

 

[Elisabeth]

23 hours ago, Afonso said:

I'm not able to spend 10 days alone in my current life-situation

 

Are you young and maybe still dependent on your parents? That might play a role. I know you are aiming way deeper than this, but being actually able to provide for yourself... helps. It's like 'Oh. I live alone and I haven't died.'

Also, I'd suggest practising just being you/ being different. Simple things, like ordering a different meal than everyone else at a restaurant or telling your friends about actulized.org . It won't help with the fear of death, but it will show you that social acceptance is actually much less fragile than what you probably think now (or alternatively that you can survive the loss of some of it). 

edit: haven't read the previous post before writing mine, and agree completelly

Edited August 16, 2017 by Elisabeth

[Afonso]

Thanks guys. I'll take a time off my schedule to study your answers.