Struggling With Intimacy

[JoeyB]

Hi, I'm new here.

I did not want to post this in the relationships forum because from what I have seen in there, it mostly relates to the pursuit of girls and that is not my problem.

I have been unable to make close friends and I have been unable to rely on others for anything.

However,

I am amazing with strangers, I have situational confidence where if I do not know anybody, I can be authentic

So when I go clubbing, I thrive.

 

This intimacy issue is why I started to pursue enlightenment.

But before that, I had been a self-improvement junkie for as long as I remember and it always came from a place of desperation where I had to become so good that people couldn't resist me. Get all the money, get jacked, increase your value. No matter how much I achieved, I've never been able to make close friends. As soon as they become close, I start losing my authenticity, I start acting neurotic. I've never made close friends and I've gone through many girlfriends because of this. All the material gains in the world don't matter at all.

I was always searching for something to help make me more confident around friends.

Then came the idea of enlightenment it started with nofap a year ago, then eckhart, then shadow work, and now I am here. I experience myself in a new way, I have more compassion for the parts of me I hated before and overall I now act with less desperation and more inspiration. I still have a long way to go. Pursuing enlightenment seems to have helped me in all areas of my life, except for intimacy.

 

I still regularly dip into that low vibration state around friends. I'll try to describe the experience.

It's as if saying anything is a struggle. I forget to breathe deeply. My mind starts racing and it rates me every time I say something. I stop experiencing the other person and stop seeing them because I become so focused on "performing" in front of them (zero authenticity). Gradually, me head starts to hurt and it feels as if my mind gets stuck in mud. I react to what they say to me with the speed of a turtle. My intelligence drops by a couple of IQ points. My face becomes inanimate, it looses all signs of excitement and enthusiasm.

The way I experience myself when I am around strangers is the complete opposite of what I described above. I get quick witted, (been doing stand up for a few years so I'll confidently say I'm capable of being funny) I become very expressive and animate. My face is like Jim Carrey, I have complete control over it and I draw people in. Girls cannot resist me. I feel like I am giving everybody a $20 bill just by smiling their way. When people react badly to me, it has zero effect and I am able to laugh at myself.

 

At this point I wish to apologize for this lengthy text, it's the first time I am expressing any of this openly to someone and maybe I got carried away.

I want to be authentic, be high vibration, be able to connect with people. I just have not been able to. Once the initial excitement of my party persona wears off, I turn into a neurotic validation seeking people pleasing yes man.

Some things that has effected me:

- Grew up as the youngest of 3 brothers. Always felt I had to prove myself. Always being put in my place, not being good enough ever.

- Moved between countries many, many, times, always had to make new friends (maybe I started thinking friends are not worth it because they'll be gone!)

- Was never proficient at the language of where I was cause I was always in a new country. Often I faked understanding what others were saying because I did not want to look stupid.

- My birthday is never celebrated by anyone, it's in august when no one is around, and I don't have any friends anyway, so when people wanna do surprise parties for other people I get angry and jealous.

- Had very little interaction with girls until I was 20 


Thank you for reading about me. It means a lot. I would love for some guidance form anyone who is further along the journey or has dealt with similar neurosis.