I'm Not In Control

[MiracleMan]

I give up.

I tried listening to less music, sometimes for days or weeks, I would really only hear music outside of my own doing such as another person playing it.  Still, I hear music all day everyday, in my mind.  So I've realized that it is out my control, and I don't give a shit anymore.

Wanna know what's playing?  Chemistry by Rush, I didn't even pick that song, but it's in my mental playlist.  Funny thing is I can change it if I start thinking about another tune of my own will, but mostly it's random.

I guess the thoughts are the same way too, I can influence them a bit, but mostly it's random thoughts all day.  And another thing I realize is that in my addictions, I have no choice, I'm powerless, and if I choose to use I suffer, if I choose not to use I suffer EVEN MORE it seems.  Why is it that I didn't feel this miserable until after I realized I had a problem?  I mean what the living fuck....

So no matter what I choose, I suffer, so I'm here at this place now, I've finally realized that I have no fucking control, or at least very little influence on what's happening inside, I have little influence, so why am I going crazy listening to my own bullshit.  Even if I ignore myself I feel like I'm still giving my ego some fucking candy.  Honestly im just throwing in the towel, I give up.  I'm not in control here, no matter what I do life is going to happen.  I'm not in control but the madness is that I'm desperately trying to steer this illusory shit storm of fire into a safe landing zone.

[Nahm]

@MiracleMan  that's beautiful! You are wise to surrender! They were never your thoughts in the first place.    The higher self, the one, has been waiting while you've been thinking, using, etc. 

 your awareness is expanding, that can be rough to go through. 

 The rainbow comes after the rain. Hang in there. You're going to shit your fucking pants at how beautiful it is. and you'll laugh your head off, because they're not even your pants!

Edited August 14, 2017 by Nahm

[MiracleMan]

Meant to post this in emotional problems, not meditation forums but really it doesn't matter.

Not sure if I've actually surrendered, I'm hitting all the snares.  Not sure if I've relinquished control.  So much of this is so paradoxical it feels maddening.

Enlightenment work still feels like insanity.  But I've become aware that I'm already insane and most everyone else is too.  I feel the same as everyone but I also feel apart.  I'm awoken to my own madness, I'm batshit crazy.  The things I do are just plain crazy, no fully conscious person would do some of the sick shit I do.  But it's time for that to end, it's time to die a little.  This precious boy, this wonderful man, and all the hatred and pain, it's gotta stop being done by my own hand.  I can't force it, god knows how long I've tried.  I can't just ignore it either, that doesn't work.  So I'm here the middle, going through cycle after cycle.  Not sure where they begin or end but it's definitely a traceable pattern.  Only thing I know for sure is that the wheel turns every few weeks and I end up being smashed by myself.  Smashed like "I love you" for a brief while then "I hate you" by the end of the cycle, then it repeats.  I'm being completed torn apart by my mind, reassembled, and set to "GO" every time.  And nothing changes to my perception, I'm on to it now, my mode is set to "suffer" no matter how much I accomplish, this is really a good realization to me.  BUT I'M STILL SO FRUSTRATED and angry I want to scream, what's worse is I can't find a valid reason as to why, NOT ONE VALID THING.  So I'm on to it now, I see that, but I'm still pissed off, I still do stupid shit in those states, but now it's even more infuriating because it's just the momentum my minds climbed to for so fucking long.  This is an avalanche I'm caught in, no choice but to be buried.  Being buried in emotions I can't find reasons for now, like I'm a vacant mindless doll I injected with feelings that cling to thoughts and tell me a story of why.  But the why is so stupid and childish.

And here, I'm escaping my present duties by even posting this.  I'm using spirituality as an escape, my last way out, because everything else is dying in a pool of it's own shit, I can't identify myself anymore, I don't know what I'm supposed to be in this world, am I a gamer, am I an activist, am I a racist, am I good worker, am I my career, am I child, a parent, a victim, an addict?  I know I'm none of these things.  But also I don't know I'm none of these things, if I knew i was none of these things I might not even be writing this right now.

Honestly, I'm taking a break from all of this.  I'm going to continue my practice but god damn, I really need to lay off of this and relax a bit.  I'm using spirituality as another way to fuck myself, when in reality I've got all the tools to break out of prison, I've always had them.  So I wanna thank EVERYONE here for showing me the path, I've gotta actually walk it now.  What I'm doing here right now is hanging out in the starting area STILL talking about enlightenment and improving, when the path is right fucking here. 

 

Edited August 14, 2017 by MiracleMan
Clarity

[Sevi]

@MiracleMan I was just about to write, and you've edited 'clarity' part:)

I was about to write that, I'm about to meditate right now, join me. Okay, your mind went crazy, your enlightenment work is not working:) you are escaping, you are full of emotions, ... okay. 

Join me:) let's meditate.

[Sevi]

[Shin]

Let yourself bloom.  Yes, hmmm !!!

 

Edited August 14, 2017 by Shin

[Sevi]

@Shin❤

[Nahm]

@MiracleMan Everything that helps, helps. It all adds up. Are you eating sugar, fat, meat? That COULD be 99% of the issue. Food is drugs, we have a roller coaster of addiction - the sugar / fat / meat high, then the withdrawal later or the next day, or even the next two days.  Not to mention how unhealthy food blows our confidence, body mind connection, self image, etc, etc, etc. Not trying to food preach but when someone is saying they are angry and distraught and not sure why, in my experience, it's food, drugs or both. Behind either is typically a misunderstanding of a past event. A gift perceived as trauma. Excercising? That helps a ton. Listening to positive speakers? That helps. Going for a walk? Meditating? It all adds up to be none of what you're experiencing now. It's simple. The hardest part is having enough of what makes us feel like shit. Had enough yet?