Yet Another Rant About The Unknown

[Sen]

The goal of this journal is to write exactly how the experience with the unknown was from my point of view and I will try to keep it as simple as possible. It all started about one year ago when after yet another break up everything changed. Before this I was a happy go lucky alcohol/sex/drugs addicted with almost no notion about spirituality and in total denial of it. My life was all about partying, clubs, alcohol, soft core drugs, sex, and running away from committed relationships, which was my way of living for the past 18 to 20 years. Getting back to one year ago; during that time I’ve started reading about Dialectical Behavior Therapy and mindfulness meditation looking for a fix for the bad feelings that come up after a break up. First I’ve tried to stay still and watch the thoughts but they were too fast and I was getting lost in them almost instantly so no good, then I read somewhere about staying relaxed and noticing the feelings that arise and just watching them without trying to judge. So I started doing that and it was working, it got me hooked. I remember I was coming home from work and staying watching what arises in the body for hours every day. It was a mix of fear, shame, anger, sexual energy and lots of emotional pain. I was practicing this for a couple of months when one morning I was in such emotional pain that I remember saying in my mind I surrender, I give up and then something strange happened, a energy out of nowhere started moving in my head mostly in the right part and the front of the head. I remember I had some panic attacks about it because my mind didn’t know what was happening until I read about kundalini energy and I’ve calmed down when I saw it was described somehow how I was experiencing mine. I’ve started observing this energy and how it was growing, from my head it expanded to the heart area and then the gut area. The mix of feelings became just pain; I was feeling pain in the heart area and gut area and this pain stayed for another 8 months roughly and then it stopped but the energy remained. During all this time the mind chattered away story after story and I was getting lost in them often but I didn’t try to stop it, I just let it do its thing. What kept me sane during all this time was a sense of blind trust that all is for my own good and listening to Eckhart Tolle and Sadhguru. About 3 or 4 months ago the thoughts started slowing down naturally to the point where now is very easy not to get lost in them. During the past 3 months I’ve started going to acupuncture weekly to help with the process. About 1 week ago I’ve got the experience of nothingness for about 5 minutes and it scared the shit out of me. No body, no mind, no sensation just a watcher of what is outside.