Girls Vs Life Purpose- Impasse

[Fredrik Andersson]

I struggle with my life purpose, I've reached an impasse on my motivation for doing something. I should do something based on what I really care about right, my higher values, but the problem is: because Im deeply dissatisfied with my sexual life it clouds my judgement. Clouds the reason WHY I do something. I know girls and sex is a lower self motivation, but my needs and desires for human contact continues to overlap my higher values. I can't seam to shake this. Please help me navigate to the right Leo video, or with personal experience.

I want to believe that meeting women not is the solution here, but could it be? Could this "girl thing" be a treshold guardian? A lot of my deepest fears lay in the girl category, which make me wonder on the right course of action.. Actually I kind of looking forward to start dealing with this issue of my life. But the time just doesn't feel right logically.. Since I need to get my life on track properly and feel that I am the person I want to be before Im ready for a relationship. My career and income is a mess right now, the job I had stopped my PD. It sucked all my energy and took my full attention, so I was stuck. I quitted the job to continue my journey. Which was a journey itself, with doubt and fears, but had to be done in order to keep going.

I need to find out whether, I should put this constant need aside to find my true values even tho Im longing for human connection, or end up living as a hobo trying to meet women.. Well, you see how this have a tendency to just spin around.. (Im Swedish, I'm trying to spell and wright everything as correct I can).

[Leo Gura]

I chose life purpose over girls. But that's just me.

[eskwire]

There is a deeper loneliness than sleeping alone and that is sleeping with another when you are incomplete. 

[youngshinzen]

@Fredrik Andersson There's evolution and then there's spirituality. Do you want to serve the first or the latter?

[Guest username]

@Fredrik Andersson It's a common notion that you need sex to be happy, but that is such a damaging belief that you probably don't see how much suffering it can cause.

It's especially insidious because the longing to connect with others authentically accompanies it, but the more you're stuck in lower consciousness, the more you'll be hindered in your ability to connect with others.

Pursue life purpose and Truth and ground yourself in higher consciousness values like contribution, unconditional love, empathy, compassion, awareness, and altruism. Good relationships will follow because you'll be non-needy, entirely fulfilled in yourself. If you chase sex, it will only reinforce your need to look for completeness outside of yourself.

As a result you'll become susceptible to:

- Misogyny

-Comparison with others

-Misandry

-Arrogance

-Lack of compassion for most people

- Poor rationalizations for your behaviors and lack of self-awareness

-Finger pointing and seeing the problems being with everyone else in the world

- Stifled ability to assess people outside of your self-agenda. (You might see women who reject you as bitches, other men as betas or white knights, jealously toward guys who get laid more than you do, seeing hot girls as sex objects and not as hot girls as barely people).

- You will lie to yourself about looking for meaningful relationships while you're actively creating a lifestyle that hampers you from doing so.

-Objectification of women, other people, and the whole of reality (What can I get? How can I manipulate things to satisfy me?!)

This is what the hero's journey is about. You even admit in your post that you know what the high consciousness route is, but you're too needy, and it sounds to hard an unpleasant. If you deny the call, you'll live an unfulfilling life.

It would be wise to pursue enlightenment and life purpose, but are you wise enough to do it?

 

[Loreena]

You don't have to choose between the two. You can have both. If you allow one to hinder the other, that's upto you. Frankly I view both sides as unhealthy - when a guy is too interested in women but not work or when a guy is too interested in work but not in women. Just shows a lack of balance imo. 

Life is a juggling act.

[Fredrik Andersson]

9 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

I chose life purpose over girls. But that's just me.

@Leo Gura Nothing better than when one of your heroes being a wiseass, haha! Especially since that is why he became a hero in the first place. This was like, i don't know, seeing Arnold say: "Hasta la vista" and blow something up, just typically and awesome at the same time.  

Thats the goal, and my mind playing trix on me.. bet you know what I'm talking about, although it was a long time since you struggled with things like this. Thank you for helping me change my life Leo, and your comment actually flicked my forehead (as you usually do on the screen of my tv) haha.

9 hours ago, eskwire said:

There is a deeper loneliness than sleeping alone and that is sleeping with another when you are incomplete. 

@eskwire Okey, so this just made things a lot easier.. (not being ironic). Funny how I forget that I actually know this at heart. Sometimes my mind isn't on that level of deep understanding. I mean, the problem is, me sitting down writing a vision, which ends up with me fucking on a hotel balcony. I mean come on! Its not that easy, right? 
 

9 hours ago, youngshinzen said:

@Fredrik Andersson There's evolution and then there's spirituality. Do you want to serve the first or the latter?

@youngshinzen The latter. But to change a life is something done over a long time right, and made in the right order, strategically. Its a paradox, murphy law, I need to go threw my struggle, find the answers on the way. Until I finally become enlightened, and can understand that the most things I've done to get there was "unnecessary" in a sense. I will probably find out I could have just sat down on the floor and found all the things I was looking for inside me, right. But I can't just read your comment, and like aah, of course, lets sit on the floor and meditate and watch the bank come knocking at my door for not paying rent, or what not. Its a journey, and i am on this topic: Im fighting for my life purpose, and my sexual nature is in the way of that, so this is me looking for a solution right.  Thanks for you comment, its defiantly worth having in mind. 


Need to get going, read and answer the rest later. THANK YOU for your support and wisdom, means a lot, Love /Fred

Edited August 14, 2017 by Fredrik Andersson

[Erlend K]

I think it's best not to get too caught up in abstract long-term goals. "Finding your values" is not a theoretical exercise, but simply identifying/becoming aware of what you actualy find valuable. From what you write it sounds like positive, meaningful relationships are one of you values. This is a very positive value to have and you should take it seriously.  

Abstract, long term goals are good to have in the back of our minds, to make sure we are overal moving in the right direction. In our day to day life tho, I feel it's better to focus on the challenge right in front of us, and the things we truesly value right here and now. This is what actualy motivates us to move towards our longterm goals.

For you, the most constructive immediate goal might be to get a girlfriend, preferably one who is also into spirituality and sd. 

[Fredrik Andersson]

15 hours ago, Loreena said:

You don't have to choose between the two. You can have both. If you allow one to hinder the other, that's upto you. Frankly I view both sides as unhealthy - when a guy is too interested in women but not work or when a guy is too interested in work but not in women. Just shows a lack of balance imo. 

Life is a juggling act.

@Loreena Ohhh noooo, the horror: Balance! haha. Well, you're right, of course. Black and white thinking is a trap I fall down in from time to time. And sure is good to get reminded of that. Still, this doesn't feel like the answer to this particularly situation for some reason. 

6 hours ago, Erlend K said:

I think it's best not to get too caught up in abstract long-term goals. "Finding your values" is not a theoretical exercise, but simply identifying/becoming aware of what you actualy find valuable. From what you write it sounds like positive, meaningful relationships are one of you values. This is a very positive value to have and you should take it seriously.  

Abstract, long term goals are good to have in the back of our minds, to make sure we are overal moving in the right direction. In our day to day life tho, I feel it's better to focus on the challenge right in front of us, and the things we truesly value right here and now. This is what actualy motivates us to move towards our longterm goals.

For you, the most constructive immediate goal might be to get a girlfriend, preferably one who is also into spirituality and sd. 

@Erlend K You say a lot of things worth having in mind. like focus on the challenge right infront of us, for example. Sure, I value positive, meaningful relationships, Would be cool to have someone to grow with, and that made me feel complete. But as I wright that down I can see thats just not the way.. I've been surrounded by a lot of real friends my whole life. friends that been there for me, always, and I've had girlfriends too. Long relationships. And I never been happy.. 
 

[Arkandeus]

I went down that way...trying to meet girls, but I couldn't align it with my enlightenment. 
So I chose to focus on enlightening, but still girls are in the picture...except not when you want it explicitly. 

The only advice I can give is that life has your back and everything will fall into place naturally, all your desires are rooted in a reality that is true and that is alive. 
it is a reality you can manifest and you will at some point if you're on this path. 
but it does require sacrifice...see that's the tricky thing about enlightenment. it requires a sacrifice that you're not really making. 

you sacrifice girls, the comfort of having girls in your life, you have to let go, you have to detach, let go of girls entirely so that you can be a complete being. 
but that doesn't you will actually let go of girls in your life see? you will still meet girls and probably have way more meaningful connections then before. 
you have to let go of them in your being, your idea of life cannot be bound or chained by anything,
 you have everything, but at the same thing you have nothing

Edited August 14, 2017 by Arkandeus

[Fredrik Andersson]

12 minutes ago, Arkandeus said:

I went down that way...trying to meet girls, but I couldn't align it with my enlightenment. 
So I chose to focus on enlightening, but still girls are in the picture...except not when you want it explicitly. 

The only advice I can give is that life has your back and everything will fall into place naturally, all your desires are rooted in a reality that is true and that is alive. 
it is a reality you can manifest and you will at some point if you're on this path. 
but it does require sacrifice...see that's the tricky thing about enlightenment. it requires a sacrifice that you're not really making. 

you sacrifice girls, the comfort of having girls in your life, you have to let go, you have to detach, let go of girls entirely so that you can be a complete being. 
but that doesn't you will actually let go of girls in your life see? you will still meet girls and probably have way more meaningful connections then before. 
you have to let go of them in your being, your idea of life cannot be bound or chained by anything,
 you have everything, but at the same thing you have nothing

this resonate with me on a deep level. This is what I need to do. I will make an update now, with some more question based on what I've learned. thx!! 

[Fredrik Andersson]

 

Update

This is what I've learned, and got reminded of from your responses:

Im needy, trapped in a lower self thinking pattern. I believe that sex or a relationship will somehow make me satisfied and give me the feeling of acceptance I desire. This is bullshit. What I should do, is realize that I have some unresolved issues inside myself, that needs my own attention, not somebody else's. If I don't deal with this inner issue, it won't matter what external attention it gets, as @eskwire so elegant explained, I will still have the problem. 

As both @Loreena and @Arkandeus pointed out, its not that easy to just solv the problem with engaging in black and white thinking, as I have a tendency to do. I believe @Arkandeus have a lot of things that resonate with this individual, particular problem. Since I try to control the outlet, control my feelings and my future by trying to ether escape the feeling by jumping into something different like life purpose, or go towards something motivated by my lower consciousness (sex). And @username pretty much laid out what "going towards the lower self" leads to, not that inspiring, haha. Hopefully he can se I'm defiantly wise enough. Just not informed well enough, until this moment. 

So what remaining question do I have? 

What exercise, tips, or experience can you give me about letting a desire be/go, since I want to let this lower self desire to stop controlling my actions. 

Thank you so much for navigating me in the right direction. And feel free to be blunt about my conclusions, I'm use to Leo, haha. Means a lot, and really do help me. Love /Fred
 

Edited August 14, 2017 by Fredrik Andersson

[Guest username]

@Fredrik Andersson Do you have any sort of spiritual practice and life purpose in mind?

I'm not sure where you are on your journey, but I'd look over this regularly until you've got It memorized: 

actualized.org/start

Once you have that down, you'll have a pretty good rough sketch of the important theory for this work. Make sure to watch all the videos and know the stuff really well. 

You should also buy the book list and life purpose course and work through those.  If money is an issue, I recommend at least going to the book review section of the forum and picking ones from there as well as looking through the forum for book recommendations. You should be able to either get books relatively cheap on amazon or ask your local library.

Once you expose yourself to enough theory and start doing the work, you'll be on the track to new possibilities. It's important to just drop the belief that sex will make you happy. 

Most people have sex, and a good chunk of people have great sex lives, but people who live truly ordinary, fulfilling lives are much more rare.  Culture just perpetuates the notion that sex is somehow the ultimate thing to strive for, and since most people will never know how deeply fulfilling this work is, they will believe that, and to them, they think they've found ultimate happiness.

It's like a poor child playing with a broken happy meal toy, thinking that's the greatest wonder in all the universe. If only he wasn't so ignorant, he might see how overwhelming and grand life could be.

Start working on freeing yourself from the misguided belief that sex is going to fix everything and lead to the best life.

Here are some recommendations on authors to start off with:

Spirituality:  Peter Ralston, Jed McKenna,  Daniel Ingram; Andre Dolshim Halaw

Life Purpose:   Gay Hendricks and Cal Newport

Newport has a blog:   http://calnewport.com/

There are is also  ton a free content on YouTube on all of these topics. 

 

If you've got money to travel, try doing a vispassana retreat  or two with instructors. It could give you the kick in the ass you need.

Clean up your diet, get the sleep and exercise you need, and most importantly, have a daily spiritual practice.

Try meditating 1 hour per day. To start off with.

For getting started, I see two good approaches:

1)      Focus on just one habit at a time. Installing one new habit every one or two months can make  big difference over time.

2) Do as much as you want, but be okay with doing it badly.

 

I personally more often go with approach two. When I started meditating, I started with two hours per day, but it just mostly consisted of me sitting there with monkey mind. It was still really good for me, as I was building the habit and spending less time in my over-stimulated, unconscious pattern.

Sticking around on the forum when you need help should also help keep you on track. Maybe post regularly in the self-actualization journal forum if that's your thing.

 

Edited August 14, 2017 by username

[Fredrik Andersson]

Here is where I am on the Journey: 

I've learned about Actualized 5 month ago. And started my life purpose course. Since then, I've done the introduction, and concepts part of the course. This has taken a lot of time, since I first listened "just listened" to the whole concepts part, then went back from the beginning, and wrote down all the information in every video I found was important for my situation, and to be remembered. Trying to "get it in my core" if you know what I mean. 

The results of me doing this course and work, slowly got me pulled away from my ordinary life. In fact, the information about the "new journey" and road I was about to start, resonated with me so strongly, that I had a hard time living my "old life". I started to get repulsed by my old habits, the work i did, just to get money, the things that been controlling my life so far, things that really doesn't matter. Like other opinions of me, like trying to make my parents proud or what not. It was like a seed in my mind, who always been nagging at me for attention, got approval (water) from the contact with Actualized. For the first time in my life, I didn't feel weird, wrong etc. (This is a whole other topic, I had a rough childhood with abuse that made me question my own believes all the time), like i was just "wrong" as a human being. well, anyway.

I couldn't live in denial and keep doing whatever it was I did, couldn't continue to work with my colleagues since they was on the other side of the fence,  trying to hold it up, while I was trying to tare it down. I needed to break free. So thats what I did. Quit my job, and tried to listen to my heart as much as i possibly could (easier said than done). 

So, I started a 90 day meditation challenge (do nothing), from Leos videos. I did that for 35 days, then things got complicated at work n stuff before I quitted (no excuses i know) but still, It was REALLY fucking hard to keep things up with everything. Stress started to take a hold on me. Since I was living two lives, one where I took my PD and enlightenment as the most serious thing in my life, and juggling work. I listened to Leo during my 12h workdays, read before I fell a sleep. Had a routine of things I learned from Leo. 

Suddenly things just got to much? I couldn't juggle all the things at once. Renovated my apartment, meditated, did affirmations, wrote visions, journaling, implemented new insights, like spending less time with friends and family, work out, vision walks, more meditation etc..  Had to much pressure on myself. Trying to keep up with Leo. So I got, burnt out, in a way. Took me 4,5 weeks after quitting my job to see a reason to get out of bed. 

SO HERE I AM, back at it! A little wiser, a little poorer, but yet just as motivated to continue my journey. I am many things, but a quitter of my dreams, is not one of them. Im just now learning about "baby-stepping strategy" here on forum, doing one thing at a time and not get carried away. 

Some people seam to have so easy to read, haha! (just read this and that and then this and this) Is a common advice. I really struggle with it, reading a lot. But now I'm doing the course, and have homework for 5 books. I have them here on my shelf, and audio, so I get thru them easier. I will now focus on reading them, then go thru my notes about the concepts part, and look at all the videos in order once again, before continuing to the next step of the course. 

This is why the neediness is such an important issue to deal with for me, since I do the course a 100%, and aiming to be a part of the 5% that actually get a lot out of it, as Leo say. So i guess my answer to "where I am" in my journey, is dealing with an obstacle called neediness to get forward on my course with the best result possible. 

With that in mind, I still looking forward as hell to start the spirituality part of the journey, but as I recently discovered, I can't do everything at once. 

Feels like a lot of advice is towards the spirituality an enlightenment, which I understand. That is like next level shit right, and when you get there, you can see that this "other things like pick-up, money, success etc" just is bullshit. haha, at least thats what I imagine. But there is still a journey to be taken, a path to walk on. And my path have lead me to finding out my life purpose, and make a living from it. Here is where my first threshold guardians exists. I can't jump over them, right? 

Please give me notes on this, took a long time to write, haha! And I am always glad to have you guys give me your input. 
 

@Leo Gura @eskwire @youngshinzen @username @Loreena @Erlend K @Arkandeus

Edited August 14, 2017 by Fredrik Andersson

[Arkandeus]

@Fredrik Andersson

the thing with consciousness is that is not so much about what you do. 
once you start becoming really conscious which you are as to what I perceive it is inevitable, inevitable that you will find your way.
in that sense you are really perfect
it doesn't really matter what course of action you take

whether you focus on living without going after girls and straying away from your lower desires or
whether you engage in actually going after girls and fulfilling that lust, that feeling of void....
in both cases you will feel the pain, the limitation of having your life centered around women. 
whether you go after women or not, they're already imprinted in your consciousness
if you manage to so to speak stay away from your impulses you will feel the pain and the longing for women, which is good it means its healing
if you go after your impulses, you will quickly find out how unfulfilling that is, and how painful it is to mold your life, to sacrifice the shape of your life just for the sake of being with women. 

either way, you will suffer/heal, because the 'problem' is already there, it's not rooted in your actions, women are in your consciousness and they have taken a central place in the midst of your being to the point where you feel incomplete without them.
the content of your consciousness has to be emptied
enlightenment is a return to a natural state..
so it happens automatically, it doesn't matter which path you take because you're not going somewhere in a sense, you're going back to who you really are. 
so all the roads lead to rome....all the roads lead to you..

this is when the freedom of enlightenment comes in, it doesn't matter what you do man really, so you're free to do as you want. 
as long as you pay attention, and you remain conscious, you don't lie to yourself, you pay attention to your feelings and not your mind you will learn from everything, and every road will lead you to victory. 

I can be sitting on my desk watching a youtube video, the most random,juvenile and mundane video you can imagine and I can feel my consciousness running a hundred miles an hour with lessons all over the place. 
it doesn't matter what you do really, there's always a stream of knowledge flowing into you that is helping you get to that place of happiness. 

when you know that life has your back no matter where you go, unconditional victory, unconditional love, these are the truths of life that grant you freedom to do whatever the hell you want, this life is supposed to be your playground
enlightenment is never limitation, it's freedom

so it might seem counter-intuitive to what I said earlier, but because you seem to have reached a certain threshold of consciousness I feel pretty confident in advising you that there's nothing wrong with going after women either. if you feel like doing that you can.
in my experience it just didn't work out but it was a valid experience to do to get me to where I am now. 
this is something very personal for you to tune in and out and to find your balance in...my experience is not yours, and who knows how things can work out for you

 

Edited August 14, 2017 by Arkandeus

[Nexeternity]

I think you should find a way to make ends meet and find a way to get laid every once in a while.  But give yourself some time to get those two things figured out.

Once you have those needs met you will be able to focus on your life purpose better.

On the other hand your life purpose can help you get laid.  There is something very attractive about someone that is passionate about something and is pursuing it.  

I have this ideal that life purpose, an intimate relationship, and enlightenment/spirituality/conection to existence can be three things that synergize each other.

Each of those three things seperately can be pretty intense sources of happiness and so in that happier state going after the other two is easier I feel.