Please Help: Completely Mind Fucked Myself Over A Girl I Haven't Seen In Years

[OnceMore]

I feel like I've gone mental or insane because all of this is just not logical or rational in any sort of way. It's just weird. Really fucking weird. But I'd love some advice because trying to think myself out of this 'situation' on my own hasn't worked. I want a solution because this is ridiculous. 

Here we go:

I haven't seen this particular girl in 5 years. 5 years. I'm 22, btw. 

I only knew her for a year, but in that year we were really close as friends. Super close. And while we were close as friends for that year, I can honestly and truly say that I did not think of her in any romantic way whatsoever. Nor did I want anything romantic with her. Never even thought about the possibility of the two of us being sexual or romantic. She was just an awesome friend. 

But I left to pursue my education and we lost touch completely. 

I went through most of college without seeing her, and I went through three years of university without seeing her. So I've gone through at least a couple of stages in my life without seeing her. Adds up to 5 years in total. 

But about one year in to my first year at university, for some reason, for some reason that I don't know of, I started to think about her. I started thinking a lot about her. I was wondering how she was. I was wondering if she had a boyfriend. I started to fantasise about her. And as I kept thinking about her, my 'feelings' for her became stronger. Yes, that's right, my feelings for a girl became stronger even though at this particular point I hadn't seen her in about three years. 

But the thing is, in the three years prior to me developing 'feelings' for her, I did not think about her at all. At all. I couldn't care less what she was doing. Never came to my mind to think about her. She was a good friend that I lost in touch with, that was all. Then all of a sudden I started thinking about her. wtf?! 

But that's just the start of this weirdness. So I started thinking about her two years ago, and haven't stopped thinking about her since. I've pretty much fell in love with this idealised person I've created. The visions I'm having of the two of us aren't even compatible to how she was as a person. The visions and imaginations I've created are pretty much the me and this created person, but with the look of the girl I knew. I never knew her long enough or deep enough for my visions and imaginations to warrant such a high level person in my mind. 

That's pretty complicated so I'll say it again: For the last two years, I've been thinking, every single day, of the life I could have with this girl. A girl I haven't seen in 5 years. A girl I only knew for a year.  

I think of marrying her, having sex with her, having kids with her, etc. 

I don't even remember what she actually was like, in real life. All I know now is the persona I've created in my mind, with the face and body of this girl. And I'm infatuated with this person I've created in my mind. This person who is not real. 

I have to add, because maybe this is relevant, that I've had zero experience with girls, and do not meet girls ever, pretty much. The stuff I do is mainly 'guy stuff'. I have had two short periods in these two years, where I've met two separate different girls, and started thinking about them and not the girl I knew 5 years ago. But after those periods ended, I went back to thinking about the old girl. 

Another twist to this silly story: The girl I've been 'pining' for is now getting married. Which is weird feeling for me. I know intellectually that the girl who is getting married is not the girl I've created in my mind, but because they look identical with the same face and body, I feel a little sad. But I also feel good at the same time because I know the guy she's marrying: he used to be my best friend. And he's a top bloke. So at the same time I'm happy for them, truly. But I'm also tremendously jealous of them. How they got their lives all sorted out. 

But the other thing is this: This period where I've been thinking and hoping to have this girl has been more than a little interesting in other ways. It got me to start reading books to improve myself so I can be worthy of her. It got me here, to actualized.org. It got me in to meditation. It got me in to reading books. It got me in to implementing good habits and removing bad habits. Basically, randomly pining over a girl that I hadn't seen in 5 years has gotten me in to personal development, because I wanted to improve myself to the level where I can be good enough for her. So I guess I have a lot to thank her for, or a lot to thank the 'her' in my mind that I've created. 

I think I have a reason for why this is happening: She was a really, really good friend. And I've been pretty lonely for the last few years, and definitely miss that feminine energy around me. She was a very feminine girl, and was really attractive. And I guess I miss having that. The two times I've had that feminine energy back in my life, I felt good, and didn't think about her for that period. 

But what do you think is going on?

Anyway, that's the story, pretty much. My dilemma is that, now that the real her is getting married, I still pine over her in my mind even though she's getting married and I haven't seen her in 5 years. Please advice me on how I can stop the nonsense.

[And apologies for the length of the post. Hope you find it interesting/funny.]

Edited August 6, 2017 by OnceMore

[ajasatya]

@OnceMore you've got it right. you were close friends and now you're experiencing loneliness. it makes you fantasize shortcuts to get out of your sadness.

solution? get out and expand your life. join new religions. dance with shamans. meet yoga practitioners. observe the resistance arising within you as you read my suggestions. how many excuses have you gathered?

what's the source of your resistance?

[OnceMore]

@ajasatya Ha you was right about the resistance that was arising. I was all with you with 'go out and expand your life', but didn't know that entailed joining religions and dancing with shamans. 

But the source of my resistance? To joining religions and dancing with shamans? Probably something like me believing that they won't have much of a positive impact on my life as a whole. 

(but is this not just a distraction from what my actual problem is? The fact I'm addicted to this girl?)

[ajasatya]

@OnceMore you want positive impacts on your life but you think too little of what those might be. that's your key problem.

about religions and shamans, i was just enumerating examples. what i really meant was bringing something new and unusual to your life, even though i do find religions and shamans amazing. i myself am participating in a society where we plant ayahuasca plants (mariri and chakrona), then we harvest them, then we prepare them for brewing and then we brew ayahuasca. and then we drink the tea and go REALLY REALLY deep into the fabric of Reality, having amazing insights about relative truths and Absolute Truth. it's a tasty divine party.

and you have you heart devoted to some girl, struggling very hard against your feelings. you're just lacking richer experiences for your life.
why don't you do amazing things? how do you think amazing people exist? someday in the past they were just babies and couldn't even speak. and someday in the future they will turn into ashes. their bodies will become other bodies. the perfect cycle. perfect service for Truth: having an amazing life.

yes, there's a woman in my life. she's the one who invited me to join this ayahuasca society. we take part in the ayahuasca ceremonies, we meditate, we practice yoga and we eat very healthily. how would my life be without her? still amazing, just like it was when i was single.

i highly recommend this movie. pay attention to the depth of change caused by his life experiences. compare the character at two moments: the very beginning of the movie and the very end.

oh, by the way, the ayahuasca society that i was talking about is present in england too. it's a brazilian religion. i just can't name it here.

would you mind taking a solitary, slow and purposeless walk today?

Edited August 6, 2017 by ajasatya

[OnceMore]

@ajasatya I've implemented something what I would consider 'unusual' to my life recently: I started training boxing. It's unusual for me because I'm not violent at all and am quite in my head mostly, but I've been training consistently. Is this the sort of thing you mean? Or do you literally mean have crazy experiences like skydiving and bungee jumping and solo travel etc? 

And that movie is actually one of my favourite movies of all time (for me). I was actually going to watch it later on tonight, and then you recommended it. That's freaky man. It's a movie I really love. But every time I watch it I sometimes feel sad that I don't do those things. It's mainly fear of something. Fear of dying if I skydive. Fear of not being ready if I want to go on a hike in the Himalayas. Just fear. 

[ajasatya]

1 minute ago, OnceMore said:

Or do you literally mean have crazy experiences like skydiving and bungee jumping and solo travel etc?

yes, sorta. i mean bigger. grow bigger. meet thousands of people. be a great human being. you don't need to be known. you just need to listen to as many people as you can. be humble, be water. go through many different situations in your life.

personally, i'm not into skydiving or hiking. i am an yogi.

[aurum]

@OnceMore

You need more women in your life. Case closed. You've created this absurd fantasy because it's the only women that seems like a realistic option. Go do some pickup, get on tinder or maybe just go meet some female friends at yoga. But you've got to cut this fantasy shit.

Edited August 7, 2017 by aurum

[sleeperstakes]

For me one of the biggest things that help me get past things like this was to realise that it's all in your head. Existence hasn't changed because you suddenly started thinking about her, and even if you were in a relationship you've gotta realise that your happiness or unhappiness with her would totally be created from yourself, not her. This can be a difficult thing to wrap your head around so it's generally a lot better if you have experience with meditation or mindfulness. Don't try and resist these feelings, let them wash over you, like you're inside and the storm is out there. If you don't identify with them and instead just feel them, the feelings are a lot less intense. Though having said that, this can be challenging, especially if you don't have many woman in your life or a lonely. Get out there and do things, meet people, maybe you'll even find someone else you're interested and you'll forget all about her. If you can do both of these, i guarantee you'll be happy and more fulfilled.

[Spiral]

I have very minor version, she was my first close friend about a year ago. You'd think getting into a relationship would help and yeah it does but not as much as you'd think. Although being active socially is the best solution in my experience. 

She does come to mind not daily but maybe weekly-ish. Perhaps missing her is the best way to put it, once you had it all you don't want to settle for less I suppose.

Edited August 11, 2017 by Spiral