My Dad Has Cancer, What Should I Do?

[Santiago]

Hi, just to give some context I am 26 years old and my brother 30, we live together and my dad lives with his girlfriend.

My dad has prostate cancer, 2 years ago he had his prostate removed and he has been doing a hormonal treatment this time to prevent the cancer from growing up fast in case that it was not removed entirely. 

On monday his girlfriend called me, she said that the results of an exam were negative and that the doctor told him that cancer was going to strike again and that they didn't know where or when, it basically means there is metastasis and that the cancer can spread anywhere... The doctor told him to continue with the hormonal therapy.

 

The problem is that my dad just told me and my brother that he had to follow with the hormone therapy and not much more, it seems like he doesn't want us to be sad and avoids telling us the whole story. I didn't ask too much too, because it seemed like he didn't want me to get too worried..

My question is, what should I do? His girlfriend told me not to tell him that she called me because my dad asked her to keep it a secret, and I think that he doesn't want me and my brother to be too worried about him. But at the same time I wonder if I should talk with him and ask him everything, so he tells me and I can get more involved with his problem and give him my support.

The problem here is that I am very sensitive at the moment and if I talk with my dad I will end up crying a lot for sure and I don't know if this is good or bad, because my dad will see how I suffer and I don't want him to feel bad for me... After all I guess he is avoiding talking about his cancer too much because he doesn't want us to feel bad for him.

What would you recommend me? anybody went through something similar?

[ajasatya]

@Santiago hello there.

the spiritual path can only teach us to avoid optional suffering, like anxiety and regret, mostly.

when it comes down to episodes of true and deep human suffering, like illnesses and death, the wisest choice is to embrace the episode completely and to live it deeply. learn from it and then grow out of it. the attitude of avoidance just stacks up more optional suffering above the gross layer of non optional suffering, which you'll have to go through eventually.

here are some words of the great master thich nhat hanh about the death of his mother.

[Guest Annetta]

@Santiago Maybe see a grief counselor and also make a bucket list and go on some adventures as a family.

[Santiago]

Thank you both very much for your answers!

I talked with my brother yesterday and he told me something that I was not considering.. maybe my dad wants to wait a little bit more and be 100% sure before talking with us, maybe he is waiting for the next exams (that will be in 3 months). Maybe he is not processing what is going on, or he is but he wants to be completely sure before telling us.

So after talking with my brother I decided not to talk with him for now, but in the near future(after the next exams) if this continues like this I will talk with him explicitly about his cancer.

Today I went fishing with him, I left my job before time (it's a flexible schedule) and went with him to the beach. It was nice, we had a good time and talked a lot. At one point I asked him how was he feeling, and he told me that he was excellent, enjoying his free time now that he doesn't have to work.
 

I will be expending as much time with him as I can, I used to take him for granted and when we were together I was with my phone or not paying too much attention, but now every moment that we are together is much more significant for me, it's a shame that only after we are faced with situations like this one we start to appreciate what really matters and start to wake up from the zombie state that we live in.

In a couple months I will be traveling with him and my brother as well as some friends, we already got the plane tickets, we will do a 2 day hike in the mountains and many other things, I am really happy about this since the last time we traveled together I was 15... I just hope nothing happens in between and that he still is feeling fine in 2 months.

 

[ajasatya]

@Santiago i am amazed. i'm in pure awe. beautiful.