Seeing Reasons For Suicide All The Time

[kieranperez]

I don't what to do right now with myself. I keep having problems with people and I'm going nowhere with trying to pick myself up mentally and emotionally and start taking control of my life and to simply even move out. I feel like such a failure. I'm around such toxic and such a toxic and environment which makes me feel so out of place with people because I don't interact well with anyone where I live (I live in San Francisco). I keep getting into arguments with people whenever I speak my mind. It can be about touchy subjects at times but whenever I try to act like myself, I can't do so without getting into problems with people everyday. I can't act like myself so I have to put on this mask because whatever I feel I need and want to say and act just doesn't fly with people here and just makes me even more of an outcast that people here don't want to deal with which leads me to having literally no social circle now. I don't know if it's something that's wrong with me or not now. Like, I don't see most people around me having this problem but I also don't see myself as being similar to the people around me and I can't literally see the mask they put on when they're going about their day and I just don't want to be like that. 

I'm 22 and I'm still living at home with my dad and little brother (who is going to be a junior in high school in less than a month and at this rate is probably going to move out before me). I'm trying to do personal development but I don't know what it is but I just feel something is so deeply wrong with me because I'm not getting any fucking results not matter how sick of my life I am and want things to get better and how I want to get better and turn things around and not be a victim anymore. I keep listening to @Leo Gura's videos because his voice is the only voice and what he has to say is the only thing I hear everyday that aligns with similar things that go on inside my mind and how I wish I could act every day and communicate. I work at some stupid pizza job where my managers will just decide to not even schedule for a whole week. I keep applying to even those low end fucking retail jobs and I keep getting rejected and I don't know why nor what I'm doing wrong. 

I just feel like such a failure and don't know if my mind alone will get me to get myself out of this hole I'm in that feels like is getting deeper and deeper. I just feel so deeply that I just don't want to be here anymore. 

Edited August 2, 2017 by kieranperez

[nightrider1435]

I know quite a few people who still live with their parents, one of my friends is 26 and he lives with his mom. I'm 21 and I'm most likely moving back in with my parents when my apartment lease goes up, its not a competition to move out, don't beat yourself up over that.

Man just be you, who cares what other people think. Learn to simply not give a fuck about what others think of you.

Personal development is going to take time, be patient with yourself. Its not going to happen over night.

Love yourself, seriously. Feel free to PM me anytime if you want someone to talk to.

[kieranperez]

@nightrider1435 thanks man, that means a lot. Will message you when I can (: 

[Loreena]

@kieranperez  Don't beat yourself up. Just be careful and stay away from toxic people. They are massive energy vampires and they suck out everything from you. And don't care what people think, they are usually wrong about their judgment of you. 

[WaterfallMachine]

I hear you. Life can be terrible.

I heard a suggestion from Carol Dweck — a psychologist on the mindset of success that when introducing famous people, they shouldn't just say their accomplishments but their failures too. Those people with seemingly perfect lives — people who are fit, who have deep relationships with others, who are happy, who are living out what they want to be rather than what society says and so on. They didn't get there without any problems. 

They had to start somewhere small. It took time, effort and resources. It took their emotional mastery. It took their problem solving skills. It took their discipline. It took other's support and more. 

Some have even started with a situation like yours. 

At least I know I was.

Take care.

I suggest you look into this thread.

 

[kieranperez]

Thanks guys ❤️ The support means a lot. Really does. I'm noticing a pattern with all my posts that a common piece of advice I'm getting in self-love. Gonna really invest my time into this.

[MiracleMan]

31 minutes ago, kieranperez said:

Thanks guys ❤️ The support means a lot. Really does. I'm noticing a pattern with all my posts that a common piece of advice I'm getting in self-love. Gonna really invest my time into this.

That is the first step, and most important.  If you actually go through with it, it's gonna change your life.  I had to learn the hard way, you are 22 and discovering this now, you are way ahead of the curve.  You cannot get out  of the pit without the tool of self compassion, it's the starting point of your journey.  Ask yourself this too:  are you one person, or two persons?  Who is the person who cant live with the other?  Are you one or are you two?  It might not make a lot sense now, but once I realized the power of the inquiry, it set in motion my life's purpose.  But it starts with self love.  You don't have to like yourself to love yourself either, that may come at a later time.  All I'm saying is I was on the brink just like you, and self love will pull you out.  It's difficult, I'm not going to sugar coat it, you've got some work to do.  It's simultaneously the easiest thing to do once you realize how.  And it works, it really works.

Try these things, but the order is intentional:

1.  Self Compassion

2.  Mindfulness or Vipassana Meditation (this restores the lost connection of the mind and body, I assume you live in your head most days?)

3.  Relax.  Seriously.  Also known as alignment.  The more relaxed you make yourself everyday the more you can absorb the compassion you give yourself and the more you can absorb spirituality without it going to your ego.  Relax like it's no big deal.

Work on those then you can make changes in your external life.  I saw you mentioned no one around you connects with you.  Doesn't matter where you are on the planet.  It's not what you want to hear but you are looking for external reasons to change your life like "this place, these people."  People suck everywhere man.  It's not them.  This change has to happen from within, only then will your external circumstances change.  Try moving somewhere else and you'll still be miserable eventually if not immediately.  I've tried it many many times.  Always look inside first.  Pain has brought you here, be thankful, you are aware of it, most people aren't aware of their pain, they just spread it like the plague it is. Pain is one of the deepest spiritual inquiries so use it to your advantage to wake up out of unconsciousness.

23 hours ago, kieranperez said:

 

Edited August 3, 2017 by MiracleMan

[Saarah]

@kieranperez

1. Focus 

You are really good at focusing... on all the wrong things!  

What you perceive and focus on is what you'll get. If you keep focusing on how you are a failure, on all the things that are wrong with your job and life, then you'll be a victim for life, you won't find your strength. 

So if you're determined to change, you need to be willing to focus on self love and empowerment no matter what your outer circumstances are... it doesn't mean lie to yourself with affirmations that you don't believe.. but we'll get to that. 

Meditation is useful for helping people to focus better and concentration practice

2. Change your beleifs 

If you're overcome with low self esteem, try changing your beleifs about yourself... this is done by gathering loads of evidence that resonates with you, that helps you prove to yourself that you're worthy, skilled, important etc. You can use your other beleifs to support it like the abstract ones, if you believe you are derived from Source Consciousness then of course you know you're wonderful and connected. You can use examples from your life and also use other people as inspiration. So many people have made it out of the toughest circumstances and into the best, read about them. You can do it too.

Create a tool out of these everyday to tap into, use your creativity, write them down to read, create visualisations out of them

3. One step at a time towards the better feeling thing 

This goes back to the focus thing, if you focus on problems, you perpetuate them so focus on anything in this moment that brings you more joy and ease. At this stage, you don't need to concern yourself with problems like finances... ignore it and do what makes you feel good, like playing a sport you find enjoyable

Its only once you let go, learn to feel better, focus and feel empowered again, are in an intuitive and inspirational place... that is the time to start looking at your problem areas... you won't find solutions to your issues if you're approaching them from a place of feeling inadequate and helpless.. only when you're feeling the flow of the life, joy and connectedness. 

 

[Prabhaker]

@kieranperez

It is very difficult to find a man who has not thought at least four times in his life of committing suicide. 

Why do people think of suicide? – for the simple reason that life is ugly and they don’t know how to beautify it, how to make a song out of it. It is just sadness, a long long anguish, a nightmare.

When you are thinking of suicide, that simply says you are thinking that this life that you have lived up to now is not worth living.

But there are possibilities in it which you have not tried yet. I say to you: This life can become a great joy. 

You may have lived a life without love. Why not try love? You may have lived a life obsessed with money. Why not live a life unobsessed with money? You may have lived a life which hankers to possess. Now live a life which is not worried about possessing anything. You may have lived a life of respectability - you may have always been considering what people think about you, what their opinion is. There is a life to live without bothering what others are thinking about you; there is a life to live individually and rebelliously.

There is a life to live which is of adventure and not of social conformity. There is a life of meditation, of God, of search, of going within. You may have lived an outside life, chasing this and chasing that.

I make available to you another life of not chasing anything, but sitting silently, disappearing within your being. A life of interiority.

And you will be surprised - the whole idea of suicide will disappear like dewdrops in the morning sun, and you will stumble upon a life which is eternal.

  Osho ~ Dhammapada Volume 8  

[Richard Alpert]

years between 20-30 are not easy at all, for many reasons.

millions and millions of the people in youre age group are in the same situation as you.

sit down and relax.

I would recommend you to do this program:  https://www.selfauthoring.com/purchase.html

It is actually very good and cheap.