A Journey To Nowhere

[jjer94]

When my body won't hold me anymore
And it finally lets me free
Will I be ready?
When my feet won't walk another mile
And my lips give their last kiss goodbye
Will my hands be steady?

When I lay down my fears
My hopes and my doubts
The rings on my fingers
And the keys to my house
With no hard feelings

When the sun hangs low in the west
And the light in my chest
Won't be kept held at bay any longer
When the jealousy fades away
And it's ash and dust for cash and lust
And it's just hallelujah
And love in thoughts and love in the words
Love in the songs they sing in the church
And no hard feelings

Lord knows they haven't done
Much good for anyone
Kept me afraid and cold
With so much to have and hold

When my body won't hold me anymore
And it finally lets me free
Where will I go?
Will the trade winds take me south
Through Georgia grain or tropical rain
Or snow from the heavens?

Will I join with the ocean blue
Or run into the savior true
And shake hands laughing
And walk through the night
Straight to the light
Holding the love I've known in my life
And no hard feelings

Lord knows they haven't done
Much good for anyone
Kept me afraid and cold
With so much to have and hold
Under the curving sky
I'm finally learning why
It matters for me and you
To say it and mean it to
For life and its loveliness
And all of its ugliness
Good as its been to me
I have no enemies...

 

 

[jjer94]

baby don't hurt me.

OMG, I feel it. I feel it I feel it I feel it I feel it. 

Love.

LOVE!

I thought it was gone for good. I thought I'd never feel it again. But here I am, feeling it towards myself and my family members again. I was tearing up again this morning because of how grateful I am to feel it. I know I know, I'm a crybaby.

More specifically, it's compassion. My dad's had health issues lately and he's being more reactive than ever. Normally, I'd be lashing out at him, but I haven't. I feel this deep desire for him to be happy, to be well. Same with my mom, and same with my brother. Not even a month ago I was spiteful. I wanted them to bow down to me. I wanted to proselytize them. Now, I see the ego behind those intentions. Now, I see that their journey takes place in GOD'S TIME, not mine. And all I can really do, is develop my own capacity to love.

I like this definition of love: The sincere wish for ourselves and others to be happy.

Stage Green, here I come!

 

[Natasha]

5 hours ago, jjer94 said:

Stage Green, here I come!

Isn't it Stage Yellow (Tier 2) when you see the other stages? Because you do

[jjer94]

@Natasha Someone who knows about the other stages is not automatically stage Yellow, in my experience.

I thought I was yellow when I first heard about Spiral Dynamics. But I was still resistant and close-minded to the Greenies, which made me mostly Orange. Now, I think I have some yellow, but not much 

[jjer94]

a glimpse of something more.

Quote

Ignore the story. See the Soul. You will never regret it.

I took a trip to the city. It was nice to be around people again, to interact with someone other than my parents or neighbors. But I need to share something that happened.

I had another breakthrough. A glimpse of something more...

The yoga has supercharged my meditation. I've had more growth in the past month or so than I've had over the past several. What's happened as a result, is that I'm really starting to pierce through "context." What is context? It's the stories you weave about your situation, about the roles you and others play, about the judgments you make towards others. I'm really beginning to grasp how my thoughts create all the context. Behind the context is the phenomenal essence of perception - what some call Atman, some call awareness, others call soul... doesn't matter. 

What happened, is that I walked into the hotel, began to check in to the front desk, and saw through all context.

I saw through "hotel receptionist." I saw through "woman." I saw through "ugly." I saw through "human being." And I saw her essence, which was me. We were one and the same. Then I saw it with the valet parking dude. Then a guest who walked by me in her expensive coat. All the same. ALL THE SAME! The same expression of that One movement. No matter who it was, how ugly or pretty or rich they looked - all the same essence.

The best way I can describe it is by relating it to the movie Anomalisa, where the main character navigates a world where everyone has the same face and voice. While the movie gives this a negative connotation, I think the direct experience that everyone's essentiallly the same is more positive.

Yes, it is a little eerie, because it comes with a deep feeling of existential aloneness. At the same time, it's life-affirming, because it urges me to treat everyone with equal respect. It shows me that there's nothing anyone can give me that I can't give myself (especially love and approval). It also shows me that rejection and any negative emotions directed towards me are all a part of context, which is all existentially untrue. Which means, there's fundamentally no reason to be afraid of social interaction, unless being socially anxious serves me in some unconscious way (it does). 

These are all non-abiding insights. I'm excited and kind of scared to see where this will take me.

 

[jjer94]

my misanthropic personality.

I had a reiki session for the first time yesterday, and old layers are coming to the surface today. One of the major insights that solidified was this: my body fundamentally distrusts the world.

I say "my body" because it's a visceral, non-rational, almost involuntary thing. It doesn't feel safe anywhere. I show it the supportive family, the skill-set, the stable financial situation... but the body refuses to believe that it's fundamentally safe. If anyone's read "It's Not About The Money," it's basically the Saver archetype run amok. I feel uber-protective about everything, not just money. I don't really hoard stuff anymore, but I'm unwilling to give away, unwilling to let go at the most fundamental level. It reflects in my resistance to reaching out to others: my misanthropic personality. 

I did some research when I got here. My mom told me that when I was still in utero, she was almost hit by a car. On top of that, she had to wean me a month after I was born because she was too anxious to produce any more milk. Stack that on top of having an autistic brother, having a father who exhibited the same fundamental misanthropic personality, and being rejected throughout the school years. It's no wonder that I live so much in my head - nowhere else felt safe.

 

Edited December 13, 2017 by jjer94

[jjer94]

daily hatha yoga: a two-month review.

I'll say it now: starting a yoga practice has been the greatest decision I've made this whole year. For anyone who's on the path but feels disconnected from their body (i.e. most people on this forum), I highly suggest supplementing with yoga or any other forms of body work.

These are the programs I use at the moment: https://www.udemy.com/seane-corn/learn/v4/content https://www.udemy.com/mystic-flow-by-seane-corn/learn/v4/content

The call for yoga came from my first LSD trip, but it took a couple more people to convince me of its power. Before I started, I drew myself as I experienced myself (first picture). I notice that my body completely acclimated to my own internal belief systems over the years. Here are some examples:

• "I'm not safe" ----> "The ground is unsafe" ----> cut off circulation to the legs ----> cold feet, lack of desire to stand up
• "I should feel guilty about my sexuality" ----> "I don't deserve pleasure" ----> lower back overextended and in pain, cutting off circulation to the man parts, decreasing libido; tendency to cross legs
• "I should feel ashamed of myself" ----> "I am unworthy/not good enough/deficient" ----> solar plexus collapsed, hunchback, extreme anxious tension in the navel area
• "Love has hurt me in the past so I refuse to love again" ----> can barely feel my chest
• "I can't speak my truth, or else I'll be ostracized and abandoned" ----> lump in the throat feeling since high school, tension in the neck and shoulders, feeling that I'm judged for what I say
• "I can see what others can't see" ----> 20/20 vision, eye floaters, intuition run amok, indecisive
• "I'm smart/I'm special/I can understand things that others don't understand" ----> living in the head, mind races, mental masturbation, extreme yearning for Truth/understanding, yearning to proselytize in order to prove self-worth

All of these traits have reduced significantly since I started daily hatha yoga two months ago. I drew an "after" picture (the second picture) for comparison. Here's also what I notice:

• Body happiness. My body is buzzing with what I call "happy energy" (ch'i, prana). I've become aware of the subtle realms of energy. My normal everyday experience is beginning to feel like a mild perpetual LSD trip.
• Less reactivity. OMG, this is HUGE. Instead of emotionally reacting like a pinball, I've chilled out. Others' reactivity doesn't scare me as much as it used to, either. 
• Less anxiety. That mass in my solar plexus shrunk in size. I feel more centered. My self-esteem feels higher.
• Less depression. Besides the nihilism, it's almost completely gone. I'm feeling happy for no reason.
• Groundedness. I CAN FEEL MY LEGS!!!! My hands and feet are not cold all the time either. 
• Love. I already mentioned this one, but almost out of nowhere, I feel it again in the chest. It's swelling as I write this <3 (Pfft...)
• Layers. Lots of layers of old emotional baggage coming to the surface. Not fun, but necessary to integrate. 
• Posture. The way I hold myself is more like a healthy human being and less like a slimy weasel.
• Emotional intelligence. This one's weird. I'm starting to intuit emotions - clairsentience perhaps? I'm beginning to sense the underlying moods of the person I'm talking to - what's being said beyond the surface context.
• Lower voice. Maybe it's also from the screaming, but my voice is lower, more resonant, and less annoying-sounding.

Edited December 14, 2017 by jjer94

[jjer94]

putting the cart before the horse.

I still feel confused and angry at myself.

Every time I try to get back into music, I sabotage myself with the "you suck, why even bother" thoughts. Deep down, I still have low self-esteem. I don't believe I'm capable of doing any of the music stuff. I don't believe I deserve popularity or praise or success. I don't know what I want because I believe that I don't deserve to want. I feel a lot better than I did in August, but these beliefs are still camping out in the noggin.

In the grand scheme of things, I just don't know where I fit. I don't know what I really want besides Truth. My skill-sets are so scattered that I have no idea how to actualize them. I have a natural aptitude for music and self-mastery. But I don't know what I want to master in music; I don't know what to practice next. And now that I've alienated myself from music, I feel like half of a person.

I have intense resistance to doing all the basic shit in life: getting a job, socializing, relationships, networking, etc. This seems to be the theme of my life for the past few years: putting the cart before the horse. I'm an idealist. I keep striving for self-actualization while forgetting about all of my unresolved shadow aspects in the lower rungs of the pyramid. And thus, I keep sabotaging myself.

Maybe my Dad is right. Maybe I ought to get the "lower" needs in place. Forget about life purpose and enlightenment for awhile. Take a break from this journal. Just relax, continue with yoga and meditation, and learn how to operate in the world again. 

Urrgghghhhhghhhh....I can feel my mind stewing resistance. "But isn't that a waste of time if you don't know what you want? You're not being a strategic motherfucker! How will plowing snow or washing dishes serve your life purpose? You don't even know your life purpose! How can you go out into the world without first knowing what you want?"

Well, mind. First off, fuck you too (I still love you though). Second off, how can I know what I really want without first going out into the world? 

Woohoo!!! Life!!! (I have no fucking idea what I'm doing!!!)

 

 

[Natasha]

4 hours ago, jjer94 said:

I have a natural aptitude for music and self-mastery. But I don't know what I want to master in music; I don't know what to practice next.

You're also an awesome writer. How about starting a blog and give personal insights/ critique on music, artists, music events, what's trending, etc. You could weave self-development/consciousness topics in there too, and whatever else you'd wish to share, and also post some of your own music. People would be highly drawn to real and deep topics while entertained by music and random musings. I know I would be 

[jjer94]

@Natasha I've tried a blog before, but it went sour pretty quickly. Probably because I was spiraling downwards, and it was only writing. Maybe it could be different this time around... Thank you for the compliment and suggestions Natasha... 

[jjer94]

the catch-22 of wanting.

I mentioned something in my last journal entry which I will call "the catch-22 of wanting." Here it is:

You can't know what you want until you go out and try things, and you can't know the right things to try without first knowing what you want.

It's a strange thing, indeed. Do we really know what's good for us? What if it's not? Here are some examples:

• How do I know if I want to have kids, if I've never had kids before? What if I fucking hate it, and I'm stuck with them for twenty years? What then? 
• How do I know if I want to become a performer if I've never been on the road before? What if I love performing but hate road life? What then?
• How do I know if I want to become a doctor after eight-plus years of studying? What if I love learning about medicine but hate the actual clinical time? What if I wasted eight years of my life just to figure that out? 
• How do I know if I want to become enlightened if I have no idea what it's like to live with no ego? What if I meditate and self-enquire my ass off for twenty years and get nowhere? What then?

And so on. I find it funny how we feel so certain about what we want most of the time, and then when we get it, we're like, "Oh shit. This is not what I expected." (Especially with consciousness work. Hoooooooly hell.)

That's why I like the idea of little bets - basically test-driving your desires before you dive head-first into them. Of course, that's hard to do with the kids example. But every other one, I think it's a good idea. This whole topic is also covered in the book Stumbling on Happiness. As a solution to the catch-22 of wanting, the author suggests asking the people who you want to be like if they're happy. Kind of a dumb anticlimactic solution, right?

Anyway. I felt the need to elaborate on this because it's one of my core issues at the moment. Maybe it's just an innate part of life, and I ought not to try and "solve" it.

 

[jjer94]

in the presence of a sage.

I spent this weekend in a workshop with an intuitive enlightened woman. We learned different energy holds for releasing emotions. And boy, did they release.

First off, meeting an enlightened being. Holy shit. You know how spiritual circles say that simply being in the presence of a master changes you? It's not bullshit. That's a real thing. Simply being in the presence of this woman made me more conscious and more at ease. She's also been developing her intuition for a few decades now, and it's crazy accurate. She was able to sense the areas of tension in my body as well as the associated emotions at any time. My own intuition has skyrocketed as a consequence.

The crazy part is, at the start of this year, I didn't believe in chakras, auras, and all that subtle-body stuff. I thought it was all New-Age BS, as Jed McKenna likes to call it. But when you get a direct experience of these things, it flips your worldview upside-down. Life just keeps getting deeper and deeper. It's turtles all the way down!

The woman told me that compared to the thousands of clients she's worked with, I'm a natural at energy healing. Probably because of all the spiritual purification work I've done over the past year. Maybe this is something worth looking into. Either way, I met a potential mentor, which is pretty cool I guess...

 

[jjer94]

wanna hear a joke?

Life is getting in the way of my spiritual awakening!

 

 

[Natasha]

4 hours ago, jjer94 said:

Life is getting in the way of my spiritual awakening!

"Life is but a dream" to be woken up from.

[jjer94]

insights from the workshop.

Last weekend, I had some major emotional releases at the workshop that gave me quite a few insights. I was debating whether to share them because it's one thing to read about it and an entirely different thing to experience them directly. Ahh, fuck it. Here's what I wrote in my personal journal:

• Abandonment is just a feeling. It's not an actual thing. Existentially speaking, I've never been abandoned before.
• I had a visceral experience that worth is a complete fiction as well. If there's any worth, it's in the fact of my existence, that's it. By simply existing, I am worthy to exist.
• When I felt through all of these "bad" feelings, what was left was an intense sense of peace. I simply let go. I didn't need to be defined by those feelings anymore. And in a strange paradoxical way, I felt "held" by groundless reality.
• There was no sense of time when I was on that table. It was like that one mushroom trip in october, where I had the insight that all of the underlying emotions from the "past" were always in the present in the form of stuck tension, and all that was needed was to feel through them.

I've been very emotionally raw ever since that workshop. I woke up at 3 this morning and couldn't go back to sleep, so I decided to bless everyone I know (as Matt Kahn teaches). Quite possibly the greatest use of my restless time in bed.  

And to you, dear reader: may you be blessed.

 

[Natasha]

@jjer94 Beautiful, thank you for sharing. Blessing and love to you too!

[jjer94]

thanks for the map, Resistance.

• "I feel so fucking lost and confused."
• "Music resonates, it doesn't resonate."
• "I feel so damn frustrated with my attempts to play guitar again. I still seem to think that I suck."
• "When will I ever be good enough?"
• "I don't want to sound like every other musician. I want to be special. I don't want to be ordinary. But I don't want to make music."
• "Do I really like the sound of guitar that much?"
• "I'm not a music student. I was never formally taught."
• "My voice sounds like a constipated giraffe."
• "I don't know much music, nor am I interested in learning about the history of music."
• "What's the point? I'm just going to die anyway."
• "What else am I going to do?"
• "How will I make ends meet?"
• "I fucking HATE practicing music. Meditation? Sure. Yoga? Definitely. Reading? Of course. Journaling? You bet. But practicing music? No fucking way."
• "I was never interested in poetry growing up."
• "I'm not a poet. I don't even know how poetry works!"
• "So I just write random shit down and expect it to become a song?"
• "Nobody gets my lyrics."
• "It's gotta be perfect. And since you're never perfect, you may as well give up now."
• "I was never interested in the humanities growing up. I'm a math/science kind of guy. Why music, then?"

Thanks for the map, Resistance.

 

[jjer94]

we'll be right back after the commercial break.

I think I'm going to take another hiatus from this journal. It's served me well so far.

Why? I'm really muddled in the head right now. My thoughts are all over the place, and I'm indecisive. I hit a choke point in my life, and now more than ever I need to ground myself. Get out of my head and into experience: Snowshoeing. Sitting by the wood-burning stove. Sipping a hot drink. Crying my guts out. Laughing my guts out. Holding yoga poses. Breathing. Watching Star Wars (I'm worried that it'll suck), Warm water on the skin. Embracing someone. Spending new years with the whole family.

Then, when I feel ready, I will formulate my 2018 goals. 

My psychology has a tendency to forget the mundane things in life. I get lost in the head and paralyzed with so many choices that I end up getting nothing done. I often forget why I'm doing anything in the first place. Am I doing it out of fear, or am I doing it out of love? Am I doing it in order to become happy, or am I doing it because I am happy? If it's the former, then I may as well die. 

That's the thing I have a hard time discerning. Am I leaning into the things I resist because I love doing those things, or am I just being a fucking masochist? Or is more shadow work needed? Do I need to work through more traumas? Do I need to read more books? Is there a screw loose in my head? Why do I feel so incapable of doing anything right now? Why do I feel so limited? Why do I cry so much? How can I trust myself? How do I know what "inner knowing" is? How do I know that I'm not just bullshitting myself? How can I possibly get from point A to point B?

Yes, definitely muddled in the head. *Sigh*. 

 

[jjer94]

being relaxed is funny.

Hola.

I had a bath today, and now I feel grounded. Funny how being relaxed really puts life into perspective. I start to wonder why I do all the things I do if they don't make me feel this good. It's as though I'm addicted to the tension of doing - like I have to accomplish something extraordinary in my life. 

But what if the reward for accomplishing something extraordinary... is this? Just relaxation? And in fact, the relaxation wouldn't be sustainable, because once the extraordinary thing is accomplished...onto the next! 

Ego is like a shark. It can't be still. It can't be here now. It can't be ordinary. Otherwise, its whole motivation system falls apart:

• What's the point of doing _____ if all I get is a relaxed but brief period of victory?
• What's the point of doing _____ if everything is already perfect as it is?
• What's the point of doing _____ if I can't make money from it?
• What's the point of doing _____ if I don't get recognition for it?
• What's the point of doing _____ if it doesn't help the world in some tangible way?
• What's the point of doing _____ if I'm going to be annihilated in the end anyways?

Here's why being relaxed is funny: Ego seeks relaxation, but doesn't actually want it. 

 

[jjer94]

infj laundry list.

I acquired a recent obsession with MBTI. Taking this personality test three separate times, I got the same result over and over: INFJ. The rarest, most misunderstood personality type in the world. INFJ males apparently make up 0.4% of the population. Straight INFJ males, probably less.  #imaspecialsnowflake #egotrip

Why didn't I learn this earlier...?!?! It would have saved me years of misery.

Learning about the INFJ personality feels like a spiritual awakening. Looking at my life through this lens explains almost everything about me. It explains why:

• I feel like an alien
• Very few people understand me
• I feel like a walking contradiction
• I often feel at war with myself due to conflicting desires
• I am a people pleaser and social chameleon, always have been
• I can connect with anyone but have very few true friends
• I used to be addicted to video games
• I had binge eating issues half a year ago
• I feel disconnected from my body, ungrounded
• I've had chronic health issues for years
• People often mistake me for an extrovert
• I am often confused because I can envision a million different futures and see the opportunity costs
• My mind travels a million miles per minute
• I often get analysis paralysis
• I love mental masturbation
• I often get deja vu
• Life feels dream-like
• I am highly sensitive to others' feelings and can intuit underlying moods
• I often know when someone is lying
• I try not to rock the boat, because saying "no" may hurt the others' feelings, and I have to feel their hurt
• Until I was eight years old, I cried every day
• Growing up, my Dad and brother would tell me to "stop crying," or "stop being a little girl," or "grow a pair"
• As a sensate extrovert, my brother says, "just do it", "stop thinking so much", "what are you so afraid of?" 
• People often criticize me for being "too deep"
• I feel like my body doesn't cooperate with me
• I live "upstairs," meaning that most of my "me"-ness resides in the third eye and forehead
• I am quasi-autistic in front of the opposite sex, because my body feels threatened for its life and shuts down
• When I finally trust someone, I jump off the deep-end and bear it all, which often scares them away 
• I tend to get severely anxious and severely depressed
• I gravitate towards nihilism
• When I say I'll do something, I'll do it
• I'm extremely disciplined
• I was a straight-A student in school, without needing to study until college
• I use lots of metaphors and enjoy puns
• I gravitate towards holistic systems thinking
• I like using bullet points
• I have difficulty expressing myself
• I've nearly thought myself to death
• I'm sometimes envious of people like Cypher, who are okay with being ignorant
• I can't hold a day job for more than six months without going slightly crazy
• I don't get why people my age go straight into a 9-to-5 career without questioning if they really want to do it or whether it will make them happy
• I feel like "the system" is not made for my personality
• I think the conventional route - get a job, get married, have kids, retire - is inherently empty and comes with false promises
• I feel incapable of providing for a family
• I want to be like yoda when I grow up
• I have a hard time being present (1.5 years of daily meditation, and I still can't seem to get in the zone)
• I am extremely future-oriented
• I value personal growth highly
• I quit facebook a year ago
• I'm overstimulated by bright lights, loud noises, and crowds
• I hate being the center of attention
• I can't stand small talk
• I need time to recharge after social interactions
• If an activity doesn't align with my higher-consciousness values, I eventually stop doing it
• People often come to me with their problems
• People often accuse me of playing the psychologist
• People often share their deepest secrets with me - even people I barely know 
• Whenever something bad happens in any relationship, I immediately blame myself first
• I see the potential of a person more than I see the actual person
• I have a strong urge to help others
• I am a raging perfectionist who sets unrealistically high standards for myself 
• I am self-aware and admit when I'm wrong
• I often disappear from the face of the earth for extended periods of time (like right now)
• I have terrible situational awareness
• At the same time, I find myself crying of gratitude every other day because of the overwhelming beauty of life
• I am hell-bent on answering the deep existential questions
• I feel extreme, tender, compassionate puppy-love towards people and things ever since balancing my fourth chakra
• I make laundry lists like this, hoping that maybe someone out there will understand, while expecting that the reader will either think "WTF?" or "Too much, man..."

 

Edited January 8, 2018 by jjer94