A Journey To Nowhere

[jjer94]

i don't know what to eat anymore.

Face bloat, acne, brain fog, irritability, inability to focus, loss of muscle mass, back pain, anxiety, and the grand winner...depression. Within a month of being a grain-based vegetarian, I have all of these symptoms. 

I wanted to be vegetarian so badly. I thought it would be the perfect balanced diet for me. I still think it's the most ethically sound, longevity-enhancing, and most sustainable way of eating. After watching all the documentaries and reading all the books, I understand that there's not enough non-factory-farmed animals to feed every human. I understand that we're overfishing and may run some species extinct in another fifty years. I understand that with meat comes the lack of fiber, the hormones, etc. But I can't deny how I feel. 

I'm currently out of town. For dinner last night, I ate a can of sardines. You know that terrible "knee-jerk demon spawn" depression I was writing about before? GONE. WITHIN MINUTES of eating the fish. I'm not exaggerating. WTF!? I woke up this morning with a spring in my step, and my mind is racing with creativity. I wish it were placebo, but this is night and day.

Of course, not all symptoms are due to diet; I take an integral approach to PD and know that other things like yoga, journaling, talk therapy, etc work synergistically. But seriously, WTF. I feel like a different person. I don't hate myself!

At the same time, I feel so damn conflicted. I don't know what to eat anymore! Everything is bad, everything causes cancer and heart disease. Every food has tradeoffs - except for vegetables. What I do know, is that my body knows better than any of the mind's moralizations. So I'm going to follow the body. Sorry, vegetarians and vegans; I've failed you.  (Also, sorry Mom. I love you!)

 

 

Edited February 9, 2018 by jjer94

[Natasha]

10 hours ago, jjer94 said:

I'm currently out of town. For dinner last night, I ate a can of sardines. You know that terrible "knee-jerk demon spawn" depression I was writing about before? GONE. WITHIN MINUTES of eating the fish. I'm not exaggerating. WTF!? I woke up this morning with a spring in my step, and my mind is racing with creativity. I wish it were placebo, but this is night and day.

Omega is known helping depression. Good fats found in avocados, chia seeds, walnuts, etc are great for your brain too.

[jjer94]

@Natasha Loooooooove avocadoes and walnuts  I hope you're doing well! <3

[jjer94]

actually not a camel.

Ahh, finally back in the den. Much to talk about, but I don't know where to start...

I just spent the past week in a professional music studio, where I recorded my own EP. I'll share it when it's ready! Surely you've been wondering whether this random forum member is actually not a camel...? 

The process was intensely satisfying. My creative juices were funneled into the project, leaving me little inkling to write here. I am a bit conflicted, however. Is this still a hobby, or is this something worth pursuing deeper? I know I'm nowhere near as dedicated as some of the other admirable musicians on this forum. I don't practice much, at all. I don't care much for technique or mastery of any particular instrument.

Instead, I work with music intuitively. I like how different combinations of sounds work together. I like the feel. I like how the absence of sound or instrumentation can be just as powerful. 

Also, as an INFJ, what I care about is the meaning. The messages oozing from the music. How the music works holistically to deliver those messages. How music connects people. How it can create cultural revolutions. How it connects dots.

Still, parts of my life feel missing, and I don't think music will be able to fill every hole. Life-purpose-wise, it's up in the air.

 

[Shin]

I see much self doubt, I also sense much passion.

Doesn't matter if you're a newb or not, you can be whatever you want !

[jjer94]

3 hours ago, Shin said:

I see much self doubt

You have no idea...

Thank you for the encouragement Shin <3

[jjer94]

yin and yang.

Nonduality: There is absolutely nothing I need, ever.

The Dream: As a video game character in a simulation-less simulation, I have many needs. A good idea is to fulfill them. Gives me something fun to do while I'm waiting to die. 

Nonduality: There is absolutely nothing to seek. I am that I am. Tat tvam asi.

The Dream: I can spend my entire life seeking and still not find everything. How cool is that?

Nonduality: I am Nothingness/God/Brahman/Consciousness/Awareness/Einsof/Abyss/Allah/White Whale/Flying Spaghetti Monster, and I just sit there, being myself.

The Dream: I am a unique video game avatar, with quirks, strengths, weaknesses, and apparent free will. I can spend my entire life in the dream discovering myself. That involves lots of suffering, but also lots of peaks. The cool part: I can learn to make suffering just as meaningful as the peaks. As mah neighbah Nietzsche once said, "He who has a why to live for can bear with almost any how."

Nonduality: In order to discover myself, I have to die.

The Dream: In order to discover myself, I have to live.

 

[Natasha]

@jjer94 Well said <3

[Shin]

Never give up.

Natasha still thinks she has a choice concerning her future partner, but I know she doesn't !

You just have to believe in it 

[Natasha]

5 hours ago, Shin said:

Natasha still thinks she has a choice concerning her future partner, but I know she doesn't !

True, we don't have free will Relatively speaking, but we do can manifest whatever that we want as the Absolute embodied. 

What is this talk about a partner, anyway? Take it to the joke thread, silly  

Edited February 17, 2018 by Natasha

[jjer94]

coping is not sustainable.

Quote

The more you desperately want to be happy and loved, the lonelier and more afraid you become, regardless of those who surround you. The more you want to be spiritually enlightened, the more self-centered and shallow you become in trying to get there.

Mark Manson

I feel so sad. Seriously sad. A third of a year into daily yoga, and while I'm much less reactive, my body tensions refuse let up. My gut is not cooperating with me. I can make my back crack five times every two minutes. I just don't feel good in my body! I feel like an old soul trapped in an old man's decrepit body that happens to look young. 

I feel like Christopher McCandless, diving deeper and deeper into the wild of my psyche, only to realize that life is about duality. Another word for duality - relationship. And I happen to be missing a key component of being human: fulfilling human relationship. 

The loneliness torments me. It's tormented me all these years. Trying to fit into friend groups, being rejected over and over. Getting continually frustrated, anxious, and then socially avoidant because my body shuts down when it's overwhelmed. Carrying low self-esteem, perfectionism, and fears of dependency into personal development and spirituality, where I try to make myself feel worthy to others when I don't fully value myself yet. Putting the cart before the horse. Leaving my tension-filled body to enter the headspace. Losing all touch with sensate reality; only stories of how limited I am, how I will not be able to support myself financially, how I will always feel this lonely even in a crowd, how I'm damaged goods and nature ought to cull me. 

Only the void. An empty life, with empty human relationships. Too self-centered, distracted, and disembodied to think about others. Not a spiritually enlightened psyche; a fragmented psyche that pretends to be spiritually enlightened. 

But it's getting better. I feel okay to feel this way (Thank you, Matt Kahn). Before, I would push these feelings away. Now, it's time to get real. This psyche, this body, this whatever, has needs. I've coped without most of them for awhile now. But coping is not sustainable. Life is passing me by, and I can either spend the rest of it wasting away in denial, or I can dust myself off for the thousandth time and try again. I'm working up to Thomas Edison numbers, dag 'nabbit. What the hell else is there to do. This is real spirituality: it's expand beyond fear and be humbled, or die. And I mean, real expansion. Like, actually reclaiming my psyche and my body instead of participating in the spiritual olympics.

For starters, here's the truth that's hard for me to admit: Human relationship is more important than I originally thought. 

 

Edited February 18, 2018 by jjer94

[jjer94]

dead tired.

Quote

Effort is a sign of conflict between incompatible desires.

Nisargadatta Maharaj

Meditation, yoga. Visualizations. Breathing exercises. Yoga nidra. Acupressure, acupuncture. Bioenergetic exercises. Cold showers. Warm baths. Massage therapy, myofascial release. Massage balls. Clean whole food eating. Intermittent fasting. Journaling. Online courses. Seminars and workshops. Pursuit of creativity. Familial support. Financial support. Hmm...what else...100+ nonfiction books I've read over the past two years. Psychedelic therapy. Talk therapy. Goal setting. Strategizing. The Work. The Sedona Method. And many others. 

All of this, and I still have these persistent bouts of depression. I still have low self-esteem. I still don't feel good in my body. I still have these nagging health issues. I can't focus, I can't commit to anything, I can't fit in, I can't I can't I can't. 

I made a vow that if things don't get any better by the end of next year, I'm pulling the plug. This shit is too painful. I don't get it. I don't get how to be human. I don't get how to be happy and functional. The Buddhists say happiness is your natural state - well I call bullshit. I find myself in constant low-grade melancholy most of the time. 

The subconscious wants me dead, even though the conscious knows that none of these narratives are true. I've been fighting it for so long, and I'm tired. I may have to go on psychiatric meds for a bit - ya know, spraypaint some rust. Surely that'll solve the issue....#sarcasm

What I haven't tried are the heavier psychedelics such as Ayahuasca. Over the past year, I've had four dreams in which I've imbibed the substance. Perhaps she's calling to me. 

 

 

Edited February 19, 2018 by jjer94

[JustinS]

@jjer94 I'm not disclaiming that any of these don't work, I know they do but I've noticed that the ego uses all of these methods to continuously perpetuate the illusion that there is someone to be freed. I know..this annoying advaita talk. It is reallll sneaky, and this may be the "last step" before awakening! You've got to continuously go meta when you're meditating, doing yoga, etc. Who is it that wants to meditate or be freed? Watch yourself like a hawk. With a calm concentrated and a diligent mind keep your awareness on the feeling of "I" til you've got it backed up in it's corner...and don't let it slip. Bottom line, stay with the feeling of "I" for as long as you can without getting lost in it's story. Trim the fat (stories, beliefs, ideas) of the "I", and get face to face with it. Watch it until it fades. 

 

Edited February 19, 2018 by JustinS

[jjer94]

@JustinS I get that...Nisargadatta's "follow the I Am" pointer. However, when the tantrums hit, awareness goes out the window, and it becomes near impossible to reclaim it. So I just collapse and wait for the ego shitstorm to blow over. I'll see if I can remember your advice in those moments.

@Marc Schinkel Yeah, the Adya video... That's me. 

Thanks for the support, guys.

[jjer94]

the story of big amrahp.

A long time ago, in a Super Mario Galaxy far far away, lived a village of trashcans. 

They were happy trashcans, trashing about in their natural habitat of banana peels and rotten mushrooms. Some of them drove dump trucks; others were guild masters. Having no predators or pressing issues, they didn't worry about much. Being the happy trashcans that they were, their trashy libido went rampant, and as a result, the trashcan population increased exponentially.

After years of horny trashcan debauchery, the village population got too big for its own good. The biggest issue was the smell: like stinky toe cheese mixed with slimy mold. A recipe for disaster. 

That's when she came into town to save the day... or so some trashcans thought. They nicknamed her Big Amrahp, because she was an enormous trashcan full of mounds of decaying flesh. But she didn't seem to care about her own ungodly smell; instead, she focused on helping eliminate the smell of other trashcans.

"The problem is the smell!" Big Amrahp preached at the villagers. "The solution is this perfume!" She pointed at a resident trashcan with her rim. "You! Come hither. Let me fix your smell problem." Resident trashcan sidled to Big Amrahp, and she proceeded to spray him with the super special perfume. Within seconds, the smell dissipated. All of the villagers stared in awe.

Resident trashcan bowed his rim to Big Amrahp, trashy tears in his eyes. "Oh my god, I can breathe again! Thank you so much, Big Amrahp! Anything else I should know?"

"You are very welcome, my lovely," she replied. "Uhhhhh...yyyyyyeeeeeeaaaah, there are a few side effects you should watch out for. You may find some rusting on the can here and there, and you may feel a little...woozy at times. But not to worry! I have this other perfume to help with that!" Big Amrahp proceeded to spray resident trashcan with the second perfume. "Oh! And one more thing! These perfumes don't last forever. The smell will come back. So all you need to do is fill out this form here and I'll supply you with a life-time of perfume!" Resident trashcan proceeded to fill out the form, taking note of the exorbitant costs, but too enamored with the perfume smell to care.

A skeptical trashcan raised his trashy arms in protest. "Hey!!! There's gotta be another solution! My fellow trashcans can't depend on this damn perfume their whole lives! That shit is expensive! Wait a sec...why don't we just be responsible citizens and take out our own tra-----"

Big Amrahp quickly interrupted. "That's enough, skeptical trashcan! Your ideas are not supported by my trashy science. My fellow trashcans, take a look at this silly fellow! Here's an example of someone who doesn't know any better. Come on, laugh at him with me!"

The entire village, hypnotized by Big Amrahp's charisma and scientific pull, began to point the finger laugh hysterically at skeptical trashcan. "Go back to the jungle with your voodoo shamanic trashcans!" One trashcan shouted. "Come on, man! Why did you have to say that? You know you should trust trashy science!" Another trashcan exclaimed. 

The skeptical trashcan, rims now hunched in shame, began to slink away towards the outskirts of the village, never to be seen again.

Years later, some trashcans rumored that they saw him sitting on a mountain with other trashcans with no trash in their cans. But they knew that was a tall tale, and so they continued to go about their life, spraying perfume for the rest of their days. 

 

Edited February 21, 2018 by jjer94

[jjer94]

captain fireheart.

Quote

I am not interested in sending people to heaven. I am interested in making people in such a way that even if they go to hell, nobody can make them suffer. That’s freedom.
Sadhguru

Phew! I braved yet another ego shitstorm. Not sure when the next one will hit. The emotional weather forecast predicts sunny tomorrow...  But who knows; those damn weathermen are wrong most of the time. Speaking of weather, I think that's been a main contributing factor. The long winter, lack of light, and loneliness is making me stir-crazy. 

Suicidal thoughts, but no planning. I just collapse on my bed. That's much easier to handle, because the body usually gets up on its own. Over the past couple days, here's what's helped me: familial support, talk therapy, staying in nutritional ketosis, omega-3's, st. john's wort, prayer, and patience. Still, things are very rickety. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. 

Anyway, I released my EP, Captain Fireheart, tonight. It's a rendering of the five stages of grief, what I felt after my friend committed suicide. It also pays homage to the awakening process. I sprinkled in a few nonduality references here and there, as always with my songwriting.

By the way, the album art is one of his drawings. He was going through his own awakening process before I even heard about enlightenment. Back then, he kept telling me about Terrence McKenna and the power of psychedelics, and he kept asking me insistently, "WHAT IS CONSCIOUSNESS? WHAT IS IT?" In my ignorance, I dismissed him. But now, I'm carrying his torch. He's the one who brought me to this path. If only I knew then what I know now... Rest in peace, Captain. May you be blessed.

You can check it out here: 

To access lyrics, click on the individual songs, or go to the bandcamp site: https://bschwartz.bandcamp.com/album/captain-fireheart The EP is meant to be listened in one sitting, since the songs flow into each other, just like emotions. I also plan to publish it on spotify eventually. All in due time. 

Cheers!

Edited February 21, 2018 by jjer94

[jjer94]

amor fati.

Welp, that's all she wrote.

I was watching some old home videos this morning, and I noticed that my personality has not changed one bit. The clothes have changed throughout the years, but the naked emperor remains. Meds helped to dim my consciousness for years, but ultimately nothing has changed. After years of fighting and clawing my way to the light, consciousness has involuntarily dimmed itself again, once again a slave to the raging subconscious mind. 

I don't know most of you, but I love all of you dearly. I admire the power and resilience within each and every one of you. It's a hard life, and we'll take all the meaning we can get. Leo's provided a great service here, so use it to your advantage. 

You may think life is about actualizing yourself, or about getting enlightened, or about understanding everything about life. Sure, that's all great. But really, I've come to the conclusion that under everything, life is about love. Love is the glue that holds everything together. Love is what you find when all narratives are seen through. And the real purpose of life, is to love as much as possible. Love is the linchpin. Love is God. Your life can fall apart, but as long as you know love, it will blossom again like a lotus flower. 

For now, I'm done with self-actualization, PD, enlightenment shit, all of it. If I decide to come back, I will. Until then, amor fati.

Much love,

JJ