A Journey To Nowhere

[Danielle]

@jjer94 out of all the amazing posts you've written this has got to be the best one. Seriously, thank you for this. I can relate 100% 

[jjer94]

@Danielle I'm glad there's someone out there who can relate!

I thoroughly enjoy your posts as well, Mrs. Barack Obama. Very wise for your age. Keep on keeping on! <3

[JustinS]

Ahha! I'm also an INFJ. No wonder I feel I can relate to you so much.

https://www.reddit.com/r/infj/top/?sort=top&t=all 

"It's strange how nice I am but how much I hate people."

This man, an INFJ himself, have put together some videos about being an INFJ. Well, they hit way too close that it hurts! 

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCvW2zJVUKHi20b0gsDXk6xQ/videos

https://www.youtube.com/user/introvertpower1/search?query=infj

Edited January 9, 2018 by JustinS

[jjer94]

@JustinS Greetings, fellow INFJ!

LOL, thank you for sharing. Story of my life...

[Azote]

@jjer94 Woah, same result for me. 100% turbulent, yay 

Hi, fellow unique snowflake)

 

[jjer94]

love him as he is.

I had an amazing conversation with my dad last night.

We initially discussed insurance, money, and investments. When my head nearly exploded from brain computations and boredom, we changed subjects and went deeper. He expounded his reasoning behind past decisions, and I got a deep sense of how his psyche works, which is fascinating to me.

You know how people say if you spend enough time with someone, you can't help but love them? That's how I felt last night. A few months ago, I was in a state of rage towards my father. He's an easy scapegoat: fast asleep, dogmatic, stage blue/orange, ISTJ, overly cautious, money-sensitive, traditional. My spiritual ego tried to spear him like a fish. When I realized how difficult spearing fish can be, I looked inward and realized that I was projecting my own self-loathing onto him. 

Now that I dealt with my self-loathing to a great extent over the past couple months, I began to accept my dad. Even further, after the conversation last night, I can't help but love him dearly. I can see the human decency within him, as I now can see it in everyone I meet. 

Put 4-months-ago-me into the conversation last night, and I would have argued with him and tried to burst his bubble. I would have easily pointed out how effectively he paradigm-locked himself, how his political doctrine of praising "the individual" is not ecologically sustainable and is based on the illusion that there exists one in the first place, and how there are deeper spiritual truths behind the religious dogma that he blindly believes.

But now I see, there's no point. He is who he is. He wouldn't get it, at all. His psyche is not wired to care about deeper spiritual truths. He values family, tradition, security, and "the individual." Why rock his boat? The most "spiritual thing" I can do is love him as he is. 

Which raises the question: What do you do with these people? The people who are stuck at lower psychological stages? Because surely, the paradigms of the lower stages are not sustainable in the long run. Take a look at our stage orange culture and the ecological consequences. How do you convince these people to evolve so that the next generation can actually have a planet to live on?

Intriguing questions to ponder. I guess, first and foremost, we do like Gandhi and be the change. 

 

[jjer94]

subtractive practice.

One and a half years of daily meditation... and I can finally do an hour without going crazy. Woohoo!

I started meditation practice with unrealistic expectations. As if one week of sitting would make me a zen master... Boy was I wrong. That's par for the course, though. The beginner expects to be a master right away, while the master expects to be a beginner for the rest of his life.

I registered for a ten-day vipassana retreat at the end of February, but now I may consider postponing. I don't think I'm ready yet. Also, my back screams at me while I sit, so ten straight days of that may not be such a great idea. If anyone has any tips on how to assist my back during meditation, please do share. It may just be me though; my body's bent out of shape. 

Self-mastery is a tough game. Sometimes (well, let's be honest, a lot of the time) I feel like I'm getting nowhere. That's because the results of daily practice are more subtractive than additive. Meditation and yoga are not necessarily adding contentment to my life; they're removing the neuroses to unveil contentment. When these blocks are gone, I tend not to notice that they're gone. Not to mention that at least a couple years of consistent practice sprinkled with faith is needed in order to reap the cumulative effects. And let's be honest: contentment's kind of boring. It's not flashy.

But when I look back as little as three years, I laugh in gratitude. Daily practice is so worth it.

 

[JustinS]

@jjer94 I’ve sat through a couple vipassana retreats and each time the pain is a little less than before. The technique works the way it does by observing the sensations on our body, whether pleasure or pain, without reacting to them as they are “impermanent.” The trick is to become as conscious as possible to the super fine sublte sensations that are spread throughout other parts of the body, besides the obvious gross lower back stress. 

I’ve got to say, my first retreat was a bloody shit show hahaha. It was so painful that I couldn’t even do the technique properly, however there were many moments when it felt like my head was above the water. There were much thick gross layers of neurosis, beliefs, and attachments that were shoved in front and out of my psyche that I cried so much. Hope this helps.  

[jjer94]

@JustinS Thank you for the reassurance, Justin! If I do commit to this retreat, I expect it to be a shit show as well. There's no way around it... 

[jjer94]

the sound of maya.

 

Hello loneliness, old friend

I’m face to face with you again

Because I’m house sitting a farmer’s den

The dog is old, there he go cries again

And the cold makes your lungs wanna fuckin die

So they try

Amidst the sound of maya

 

And in my awareness I saw

Blue pearls and monkey mind he calls

He wants some ice cream and pornography

Creating problems is his expertise

And I’m sitting on my zafu thinking, what the fuck?

It’s the sound of maya…

 

I know the loneliness ain’t real

But damn, it feels so very real

I can’t talk about enlightenment

With anyone except the ceiling dent

And the dent even tells me, you’re fucking nuts

Go cry your guts

To the sound of maya…

 

Now I know I’m fucking cray

I talk to ceilings every day

I’m just kidding, but I need to stop

Writing verses to Paul Simon’s song

Can I do that or does copyright sue my ass?

Indicts me with the sound of maya…

 

[jjer94]

ode to the Instant Pot.

I think I'm in love with an inanimate object. Her name is Instant. Instant Pot. 

Our relationship has bloomed into a deep romance, one that the pick-up artists would envy. Political correctness aside, she makes amazing meals for me in record time. Whether it's cereal grains, pseudograins, dried legumes, steamed vegetables, sweet potatoes, or even salmon, Instant Pot knows exactly how to cook them all. 

I'm not a company representative. Just a satisfied customer. What Instant Pot and I have together is real. I don't suspect we'll be breaking up any time soon. 

In all seriousness, anyone who wants to eat clean in the laziest and most time-efficient way possible - pick up one of these things and give it a whirl. I felt the need to share this because of how amazing it is and how much time it frees up. 

 

Edited January 14, 2018 by jjer94

[Space]

On 13/01/2018 at 6:50 PM, jjer94 said:

subtractive practice.

One and a half years of daily meditation... and I can finally do an hour without going crazy. Woohoo!

I started meditation practice with unrealistic expectations. As if one week of sitting would make me a zen master... Boy was I wrong. That's par for the course, though. The beginner expects to be a master right away, while the master expects to be a beginner for the rest of his life.

I registered for a ten-day vipassana retreat at the end of February, but now I may consider postponing. I don't think I'm ready yet. Also, my back screams at me while I sit, so ten straight days of that may not be such a great idea. If anyone has any tips on how to assist my back during meditation, please do share. It may just be me though; my body's bent out of shape. 

Self-mastery is a tough game. Sometimes (well, let's be honest, a lot of the time) I feel like I'm getting nowhere. That's because the results of daily practice are more subtractive than additive. Meditation and yoga are not necessarily adding contentment to my life; they're removing the neuroses to unveil contentment. When these blocks are gone, I tend not to notice that they're gone. Not to mention that at least a couple years of consistent practice sprinkled with faith is needed in order to reap the cumulative effects. And let's be honest: contentment's kind of boring. It's not flashy.

But when I look back as little as three years, I laugh in gratitude. Daily practice is so worth it.

Wow, such a great post! I love that insight about the beginner and the master. Also, I have never thought about meditation to be a subtractive process. We're always looking for 'results' from our meditation, or signs of growth. But it's not like that at all. Thankyou for sharing this insight.

I may be able to offer you some advice regarding your painful back. When I went on my first Vipassana retreat around 6 months ago, I found sitting in this http://shiatsu-bordeaux.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/11/seiza.jpg posture to be extremely helpful in reducing a lot of the pain. I used the cushion rather than the wooden seat as it was much more comfortable for me. It's a great posture, but I found I needed to be seated quite high up to avoid tightly squishing my legs together. You'll need to play around with it to see what works best for you. There was still quite a bit of pain, but thats to be expected of course. Physical pain can be quite useful in very clearly seeing your aversion to discomfort. 

Edited January 15, 2018 by Space

[jjer94]

2 hours ago, Space said:

I may be able to offer you some advice regarding your painful back. When I went on my first Vipassana retreat around 6 months ago, I found sitting in this http://shiatsu-bordeaux.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/11/seiza.jpg posture to be extremely helpful in reducing a lot of the pain. I used the cushion rather than the wooden seat as it was much more comfortable for me. It's a great posture, but I found I needed to be seated quite high up to avoid tightly squishing my legs together. You'll need to play around with it to see what works best for you. There was still quite a bit of pain, but thats to be expected of course. Physical pain can be quite useful in very clearly seeing your aversion to discomfort. 

Ahhh, yes! That's the posture I use. Maybe I need to seat myself higher like you did. 

Thank you for sharing!

[jjer94]

do, or do not.

I'm so sick of trying.

Trying to meditate every day for upwards of two years, only to have negative thoughts still get to me. I see thoughts as sensations, and yet, the negativity loves to sneak up and consume me anyway.

Trying to be diligent in my daily yoga practice (which usually takes an hour) for the past three months, only to have my body fight back and lock up. My anxiety is insistent and never-ending. My body can't stop holding, as if it's saying, "You're not done yet, JJ. Not yet not yet not yet. Gotta do ____ and ____ and learn as much as you can so you can be a paragon for all to behold." Well, fuck you, body. I'm sick of it.

Trying to fit into a society centered around shallowness and denying death. No one really cares what I have to say, nor do I have much of value to say. People value cat videos, not depth. Anything to anesthetize them from the gaping black hole in the center of their existence. Honestly, I envy them. At least they can fit in and live a normal life without having the burden of worrying about all this shit. At least they can have a nice dream. At least they don't have to feel like an alien, like an outsider.

Trying to hold a job. I got rejected from a barista job, for fuck's sake. I lasted six weeks as a cashier. Even dog walking, a job that's perfect for my personality - I started to go crazy after six months and have to quit. That happened twice over two years.

Trying to be friendly in front of everyone (can't help it - Fe extraverted feeling function of an infj). Putting on this mask for everyone around me, even my family. And the moment I try to open up to them, like last night: "It's all bullshit, JJ. Mind over matter! How could you say that?" This is what happens when I try to take off the mask. I get shot down. I can't be authentic in front of anyone, because it'll just scare them away. Then, fear of abandonment kicks in. Then, fear of not being able to support myself kicks in, because of the last point. So I feel trapped in that sense.

Trying to be a friend, or maintain a friendship. I have a bunch of aquaintances that I hardly keep in touch with, and I had one friend for awhile, who I now also barely keep in touch with. So basically, no friends. Too much effort to be a friend. Too much effort to find someone out there in person who I can actually relate to without the mask. 

Trying to date. Ohhh, man, I could write for hours about this one. I get clingy and obsessive the moment I have a deeper connection, which drives me nuts, and it does the other person a disservice. Then fear of abandonment/rejection kicks in and sabotages due to Fe. Then the relationship turns into this: 

Full of second-guessing and brutal honesty. Then, the girl ends up rejecting me anyway, because there's no polarity, because I'm too passive, because I'm "too much of a wuss," as my brother says, because I implode and put all the blame on myself, because my body shuts down and I can't say anything more. Yeah. I'm sick of doing that. Makes sense why my body has unconsciously cut off circulation from the waist down.

Trying to create stuff. The inner critic often kicks in and tries to filter everything I write. Especially the case with songwriting, though it's gotten better. 

Trying to make it all work. Because it's not working. Nothing feels like it's working. I feel better than ever in my body, mind, and spirit, but this "adulthood" thing still doesn't work for me. 

[jjer94]

too far gone.

It's daunting to feel like the last man on earth. Especially when you've spent the first twenty years of it being smothered and not making your own authentic decisions. And then, you're suddenly thrust into the world, expected to have it all figured out. 

Naturally, you look to others for the answers. That's what you've been doing up till this point. You follow the advice of those who seem most convincing, still looking outward. You read books, you go to workshops, you make friends, you try to date, you have some success. You post on a forum expecting someone to give you reputation points, only to remember that reputation points were removed. You pretend that you're actually going somewhere. You have to. Anything but looking inward.

Because when you look inward, you face that daunting feeling. The feeling that your life is your life. That all of it is you. The emptiness. That life is so completely OPEN. That all of your limitations are self-imposed. That you are completely responsible. That meaning is a dream. That life is completely and utterly optional and pointless. That it's your choice whether you live or die.

I'm too young for this shit. It's too much to handle. But I can't help it. I feel like a failure at life; where would I gravitate to other than spirituality? If I can't fit into the artificial construct called "society," then maybe I can re-unite with Reality. 

Man, so many dualities still. Lost in the mind. Running away from my fears of loneliness, rejection, abandonment, humiliation, and meaninglessness. Gung-ho about spirituality because I'm too fucking afraid to live my life. Because whenever I try, it falls flat, again and again and again. These fears have me by the balls, and I'm hardly aware of the instances in which I sabotage myself. Kind of ironic, considering my interest in cultivating awareness. 

Also, still plenty of self-loathing. Wishing that I could anesthetize myself like most people around me. Wishing I could be less giving and caring. Wishing I could be insenstive so I don't have to feel every fucking emotional undercurrent of the person I'm interacting with. Wishing I could forget about all of this. Mind wipe. Be an extrovert and dick around with a group of friends for the rest of my life. Pretend as though society or planet earth's ecology is not on the verge of major turmoil. Play the rat race, live a dream that I'm striving for goals like "fuck a bunch of bitches." And then die from a drug overdose, having no clue that it was all a dream. But I'm too far gone. 

 

Edited January 18, 2018 by jjer94

[jjer94]

anxiety = Jar-Jar Binks.

Man, this journal reads like a flippin' soap opera. Just flailin' around...

Speaking of flailing, I'm going to a retreat tomorrow. No phone, no laptop, nada. I wanted to purge out a few entries today to make up for this weekend 

I really need this. Mind has been turbulent lately. Lately? Ehhh, more like mostly. Also, my body has a hard time relaxing. As I've described before, there's this constant anxiety humdrumming in my abdomen area. Kind of like Jar-Jar Binks from Star Wars Episode 1 - Somewhat bearable, but annoying enough that I want to punch it in the face. It's especially prominent when I'm around other people - which is just peachy, because I crave more human connection.

As for the website...again, I prefer writing here. I'm just a random dude trying to scratch his own itch. And it's one of those itches that's hard to reach, ya know? Like, on the center of your back, but too far for your shoulder to bend --- Okay, okay, enough writing for today. Have a good weekend, y'all.

 

[JustinS]

? Best. 

[jjer94]

mind wars episode 5: the ego strikes back, or, "JJ, I am your self-deception father."

How do I describe this retreat? Hmmm... I'll throw out a few keywords: amazing, relaxing, exactly what I needed, Godsend, mind attacks, crying, woohoo no internet, more mind attacks, I love oatmeal, yoga farts, depression, nourishing conversations, gut-clenching social anxiety, shame, mind attacks, and music. Oh, and did I mention mind attacks?

Ever since a few days ago, my depression returned with a vengeance - if you couldn't already tell with the previous soap opera posts. One thing in particular triggered it, but I'll elaborate in another entry once I receive the test results.

The floodgates opened. Suicidal thoughts and ideations ran amok. They felt like crusty, expired thoughts, thoughts that have been repressed for a long time. 

I feel like damaged goods. The body is in constant tension and pain. My back hurts only after standing for five minutes (meditation can be brutal). The anxiety, especially in social situations, is crippling. I've been doing all the typical practices - daily yoga x 3 mths, daily meditation x 1.5 yrs, clean eating x 1 yr, daily exercise, contemplation, journaling, etc - but I still feel stuck in many ways. I feel like I can't support myself financially. I have difficulty relaxing my body. I put absurdly high perfectionistic expectations on myself. I have a hard time keeping in touch, i.e. being a friend. I have a hard time fitting in. I've felt misunderstood by my family and by most other people my entire life.

Also, the nihilistic thoughts: "Society's going to shit; who cares about humanity; they're all chewing cud; in the grand scheme of things, what's the difference between dying sixty years from now and dying tomorrow? None! So why not save yourself sixty years of struggle and pain? You're only destroying illusions; it's too much of a burden to try to dig yourself out of this hole; society is not designed for people like you." And on and on and on. I'm going to try The Work on these beliefs sometime later. Logically, I know these thoughts and beliefs are all bullshit, but in the moment, they certainly don't feel that way. Fortunately, I have mindfulness and professional therapists on my side, but this is still very hard for me.

Which is why I say this retreat was exactly what I needed. Going a few days without Internet, especially Youtube, was AMAZING. I discovered that I use learning new things on the Internet as a distraction from doing much needed inner work. Also, I now see on a deeper level the importance of social interaction. It's not all mindless chimpery. There's more to it than that. Maybe I'll elaborate in another post, since this one's getting long.

Overall, emotionally laborious weekend. Physically laborious too, because I held in my farts during the yoga sessions. It was the chili.

 

Edited January 22, 2018 by jjer94

[jjer94]

the universe conspires to help you.

Matt Kahn says everything is here to help you. I'll go further to say that the universe conspires to help you. 

When I arrived at the retreat, I felt defeatist and suicidal. At first, socializing was terrible. My body was performing anxious gymnastics, starting with the lower abdomen and moving up to the shoulders. I genuinely felt like I wanted to pull the plug. 

Then, I met some amazing people. We delved into deep conversations, just how I like. One man made me laugh because his life story was so absurd. One woman was forty years older than I was, with a similar personality and life circumstances, and yet she was just starting her spiritual path. Very inspiring to me.

Then there was the godsend woman. Middle-aged, reserved, with that nurturing, motherly energy. On the final night, we had a two-hour-long conversation about psychology, trauma, family, and healing. We connected so deeply that (in typical INFJ fashion) I opened up to her about my qualms, and she opened up to me about hers. That's when she expounded on EFT and decided to take me through a guided session. I'm already familiar with EFT, but the way she guided me through it was profound. By the end of it, when I thought about said trauma, I didn't feel any tension. To this day, I still don't. At the end of our conversation, she said her intuition told her that she had to talk to me. 

As I move into Stage Green, I find quality social interaction to be as nourishing as quality food. Not long-distance communication, but real, face-to-face connection. Socializing is more than pure chimpery. When two bodies meet, the energy bodies intermingle. If the conversation is titillating and authentic, you leave it feeling more alive than when you entered it. Heck, simply being in the company of another is nourishing. Socializing also gets you out of your head and into experience. For daydreaming introverts like me, this is key. When I'm away from people for too long, I get uber-serious about everything and thought-loops take me on an unpredictable rollercoaster ride. 

The point is, whenever I find myself spiraling downwards, the universe always seems to have some countermeasure up its sleeve. 

 

[jjer94]

pobrecito.

Okay, I've had it. 

What's wrong?

For the past three nights of housesitting, I've awoken in the middle of the night to scratching on the door and whining. The dog won't stop crying. Last night, he did it four fucking times, in one-hour intervals - 1:30 AM, 2:40 AM, 3:40 AM, and then 4:50 AM. At the end of each interval, when I was finally drifting off to sleep...BAM! There he does it again. I do have earplugs, but if I keep them in my ears for too long, they really hurt and I'm unable to sleep with the pain. Even when I open the door and tell him to shoo, he returns shortly thereafter to express his doggy depression. So I'm stuck with this whiny fucking dog for another five days. 

Wow. I'm surprised.

Why's that?

I mean, you don't want to write about your mind attacks? Your suicidal depressive thoughts? Your general malaise? Instead, you'd rather write about an annoying dog? 

Heeeeeeellllll yeah! I'm sleep-deprived due to this attention-whoring motherfucker. Bring it on.

Okay. So you think the dog shouldn't wake you up in the middle of the night. Is this true?

Yes. Yes it is. Everyone has the right to a good night's sleep, right? Especially if I'm a guest at this place? But noooo, this dog has to torment me at one of the worst periods of my life, sleep deprive me and make my thoughts run madder. UGH!!!!

Is this absolutely true?

I suppose not. Because, you know. Maya. Brahman. Et cetera.

How do you react when you believe that thought?

It's so limbic. Last night, when I was in the throes, upon the dogs first scratch-and-whine, my gut clenched in its usual spot below the navel. I had to scream in a pillow to get the anger out. I tried Sedona-methoding the fuck out of it - 50% success. Then, when I tried to fall back asleep, I was almost expecting him to do it again, which made my mind unwilling to give in to sleep. Surprise! He did it again. And again. And again. 

Who would you be without that thought?

I'd be like my man Jésus - surrendered to it. I wouldn't mind losing the sleep. Only five more days here. In fact, I'd probably take advantage of my being awake and do some reading. 

Have you ever woke him up?

Yes. He sleeps a lot during the day, and I don't watch my volume when I'm around him. 

Do you give him attention? Maybe he's waking you up because you're not giving him enough attention.

Yeah.........No, not really. Most of the time when I'm here, my attention is directed away from him, either staring at the screen, a book page, or playing guitar. Sometimes I overwhelm him with TLC. But most of the time I get so immersed in what I'm doing (like right now) that the world around me (including body awareness) disappears. This is why I would suck as a dog owner. #catsrule

Agh, I'm such a hypocrite... I feel compassion for this dog. He doesn't get much exercise. He doesn't have any companions other than a few cats. His owners don't give him much attention either. So... desperate times call for desperate measures, I guess. ¡Pobrecito!

Are you now willing to have this dog ruin your sleep?

Sure. I prefer the opposite. But if he does it again, so be it. #fivemoredays