A Journey To Nowhere

[jjer94]

toxic shame.

I had a few insights this morning during meditation because I was so agitated. I dug into that agitation, and a whole slew of shit came up. The agitation turned to anger directed inwards, which turned to shame.

• "I suck at music."
• "There's no possible way to make money from it, so what's the point of throwing all my eggs in that basket?"
• "I'm incapable of doing anything. Every time I go up on stage I will be humiliated because my toxic shame leaks through to the audience."
• "Every song I write is too cryptic. Nobody gets it."

I think back to the songwriting workshop in Ireland. How I was told that my songs were cryptic. How they pushed me to write story songs about made-up characters instead. How I cried in the countryside because I thought that the way I was writing songs was somehow "wrong" and that I wasn't fit to do it.

I think back to the radio contest I enrolled in. How I was the first contestant to get booted. How my nail broke the day before my performance, so I couldn't really fingerpick. How I said to the show host, "I kind of saw it coming," because deep down, I was so ashamed of myself and my music.

I think back to my Dad's 50th birthday, when I was 12 years old, and he forced me to play a song in my brother's band in front of hundreds of people, and I was screaming and crying because I didn't want to do it. How he forced me anyways. How I messed up on my solo, and people still applauded me. How humiliated I felt. How I quit playing guitar for eight years after that event. 

It's the same thing, rehashed over and over and over again. The cycles of shame. The self-fulfilling prophecy. It's almost like I WANT to humiliate myself, so I can confirm these beliefs and continue living in psychological homeostasis.

No wonder why I haven't played much guitar lately. The inner critic keeps flinging this shit at me. And the sad part is, I believe most of it.

 

[HII]

How can you put a link to a Sigur Rós song right under such a load of bullshit? Have you studied them at all? Go watch some interviews and read some articles and find out about their background and their approach. 

Do you think they are successful because they went to a song-writing workshop and followed some advice of writing songs about made-up characters because their stuff was "too cryptic"? The whole album featuring the song you posted consists of 100% gibberish, for christ's sake. 

If you have performance anxiety that's another story, but that doesn't mean you cannot create music. 

Free your mind from the idea that certain people have to approve of what you're doing. Get curious about the sounds that come out of your instrument. 

[jjer94]

@HII I posted Sigur Ros because the feeling of that song matched what I was feeling this morning. Has nothing to do with what I wrote. But thank you for the advice, and thank you for unveiling an emotional reaction within me.

[Znep]

On 15/11/2017 at 11:05 AM, jjer94 said:

I don't value what they have to say. I've made my own value judgment towards them. I've deemed them as "psychologically underdeveloped." I've shut out all possibilities that they could say something noteworthy to me, and because of that, I half-listen to their words. What does this say about me? That I'm manipulative? A scornful bastard? A self-righteous close-minded prick? Nah, just honest. And perhaps somewhat aware and somewhat willing to change.

In some ways, they're worse in this regard. They not only tune me out sometimes, but they also have rigid belief systems. They won't actually listen to new ideas. Instead, they just wait their turn to preach their ideas at me. Law of attraction, much?  

Man, you have no idea.

I'm one wrong line away from being wrestled into a straight jacket.

 

 

... SAY IT!

 

 

 

 

 

 

On 16/11/2017 at 0:36 AM, jjer94 said:

"I'm incapable of doing anything. Every time I go up on stage I will be humiliated because my toxic shame leaks through to the audience."

 

check this out:

 

Quote

In an interview with Genius, Logic said:

"So the first hook and verse is from the perspective of someone who is calling the hotline and they want to commit suicide. They want to kill themselves. They want to end their life. When I jumped on a tour bus that started in Los Angeles, California and I ended in New York City and did a fan tour where I went to fan's houses and shared meals with them, hung out with them, played them my album before it came out. Them along with other people on tour, just fans that I met randomly, they've said things like, "Your music has saved my life. You've saved my life." And I was always like, "Aw so nice of you. Thanks." And I give them a hug and shit but in my mind, I'm like, "What the fuck?" And they're really serious. And they tat shit on their arms and get shit like lyrics that save their life and in my mind, I was like, "Man I wasn't even trying to save nobody's life." And then it hit me, the power that I have as an artist with a voice. I wasn't even trying to save your life. Now what can happen if I actually did?"

 

If ^that guy can produce something as powerful as this:

 

 

I'd say you're going to be just fine.

Edited November 17, 2017 by Znep

[jjer94]

wrong.

I had a breakthrough insight last night. I finally realized the true essence of mindfulness...

I used to think of mindfulness as just "observation." You witness your senses and thoughts in the present moment, and that's it. Right?... RIGHT!?

I've been doing this so-called "observation" with the hidden agenda to dissolve my unwanted emotions, as if observing the uncomfortable sensations will make them magically melt away. In other words, I subtly reject aspects of my experience and pretend as though I'm doing mindfulness.

But not last night. Last night, my mind was racing with negative emotions in bed. At first, I pushed them away; I used my acupressure mat and breathing exercises to try to fall asleep. But mind refused to shut up. So instead of fighting it, I gave into it. Instead of observing it with the subtle intention to get rid of it, I allowed it with no intention to get rid of it. I thought, "Okay, fine. If I feel restless, then so be it! I'll stay up. I'll think myself to death if I have to! I admit it. I feel xyz." Fifteen minutes later, I fell asleep.

The essence of mindfulness is not just observation; it's allowing! It's allowing this moment to be exactly as it is, not in the observe-it-till-it-goes-away sense but in the I-don't-care-if-this-emotion-kills-me sense. It's allowing emotions to do their thing, regardless of how uncomfortable they are. No hope of more comfortable emotions, no expectation of getting better. This moment is the best moment there could possibly be, because it's the only moment happening. To say "no" to any aspect of this moment is to fragment reality and create suffering.

Quote

There was never any more inception than there is now, Nor any more youth or age than there is now;
And will never be any more perfection than there is now, Nor any more heaven or hell than there is now.

Walt Whitman

 

Edited November 18, 2017 by jjer94

[Znep]

9 hours ago, jjer94 said:

Last night, my mind was racing with negative emotions in bed. At first, I pushed them away; I used my acupressure mat and breathing exercises to try to fall asleep. But mind refused to shut up. So instead of fighting it, I gave into it. Instead of observing it with the subtle intention to get rid of it, I allowed it with no intention to get rid of it. I thought, "Okay, fine. If I feel restless, then so be it! I'll stay up. I'll think myself to death if I have to! I admit it. I feel xyz." Fifteen minutes later, I fell asleep.

 

 

 

[phoenix666]

12 hours ago, jjer94 said:

The essence of mindfulness is not just observation; it's allowing! It's allowing this moment to be exactly as it is, not in the observe-it-till-it-goes-away sense but in the I-don't-care-if-this-emotion-kills-me sense. It's allowing emotions to do their thing, regardless of how uncomfortable they are. No hope of more comfortable emotions, no expectation of getting better. This moment is the best moment there could possibly be, because it's the only moment happening. To say "no" to any aspect of this moment is to fragment reality and create suffering.

 

<3 

to say it in Matt Kahn's words whatever arises, love that. 

[HII]

On 16.11.2017 at 2:37 AM, jjer94 said:

I posted Sigur Ros because the feeling of that song matched what I was feeling this morning. Has nothing to do with what I wrote.

Sure, I just thought it was kind of ironic that you write about how you block yourself from playing guitar because you think you can't meet other people's expectations, and then you post a link of a band which started out as a bunch of complete amateurs, who just sat in their basement, had no idea what they were doing, just played around and followed whatever sounded interesting to them and this way created their completely original, awesome music. 

On 16.11.2017 at 2:37 AM, jjer94 said:

But thank you for the advice, and thank you for unveiling an emotional reaction within me.

I hope you don't feel attacked. What I wrote was meant as an encouragement. It seemed like a part of you really believes that you don't have the potential to create good music. If what you've written above are your reasons for forming that belief, it's just a flat-out fallacy. And I find it sad when people stop themselves from doing what they wanna do by holding obviously erroneous beliefs. So that's why I had to say something about this.

[jjer94]

1 hour ago, HII said:

I hope you don't feel attacked. What I wrote was meant as an encouragement. It seemed like a part of you really believes that you don't have the potential to create good music. If what you've written above are your reasons for forming that belief, it's just a flat-out fallacy. And I find it sad when people stop themselves from doing what they wanna do by holding obviously erroneous beliefs. So that's why I had to say something about this.

I'm glad you did, because my body had an emotional reaction, as though I was being attacked. From what you said as well as my reaction, I realized on a deeper level how much I really avoid conflict and try to be the "good boy." This goes back to my school days, when I tried really hard to get good grades and suck up to the teachers. Because deep down, I believed I wasn't good enough, I compensated through maintaining the "good boy" image. I was also contemplating last night my strong urge to always be right, and I think it ties in with this as well. Anyway, that deserves its own entry. What I mean to say is, thank you for your perspective.

 

Edited November 19, 2017 by jjer94

[jjer94]

unconsciousness sucks.

I notice my need to be right all the time, going all the way back to the school days. Now that I know there's no way my family could understand the work I'm doing, I have imaginary dialogues in my head with them, where they object me and I put them in their place with an air of superiority. The result is resentment towards them and their unconscious ways.

Why do you resent them?

Because they're unconscious and they don't realize it. They're not living up to their full potential, and it bothers me. Perhaps I'm a little angry at myself too for not living up to my full potential in the past and present.

Why should humans strive to live up to their full potential?

Because that's what life is all about! It's the hero's journey! The journey to integrate and transcend yourself! And nobody fucking realizes it! Everyone lives a fucking mediocre unconscious life because they avoid themselves and their emotions! All of our problems have to do with this one issue! I want to fucking slap everyone on the back of the head and tell them to WAKE THE FUCK UP!

Lordy lord, aren't you feisty. So you believe that unconsciousness is bad. Where did you get this idea from?

None other than Leo himself. Well, not really. He never said that explicitly, but I extrapolated it. But after a few years of this work, I see so clearly that it's true. Unconsciousness is a huge root cause of all of our problems. That's baaaaaad. I should cram my megaphone in unconscious people's ears.

Can you absolutely know this is true?

No, not really. Bad relative to what? And what does it mean to be unconscious? It just means, unaware of what you're doing. When you're unaware of what you're doing, you're unable to see how you sabotage yourself and get stuck. If you're trying to get unstuck, unconsciousness is bad. But in the existential sense, there's no inherent badness to being unaware. You're just fucking unaware....

How do you react when you believe that unconsciousness is bad?

....and you cause all of the world's problems! By sitting on your damn plastic couch eating your damn plastic cheetoes fogging your fucking brain and wasting your life, you're not only doing yourself a disservice, but you're doing the world at large a disservice by catering to your emotional weasel, you fucking twat!!!

I get all oo-ra-ra and pissed off. Almost like a religious fanatic. 

Who would you be without that belief?

I'd be...well, definitely more compassionate, that's for sure. Probably kind of lost too, because self-actualization seems to be my anchor. The thing that keeps me waking up in the morning and moving in a clear direction. It's invigorating and worthwhile to live for. Without that, I don't know what I'd do. Probably fall back into old unconscious ways. I'm kind of afraid of unconsciousness. Seems like I fear unconsciousness just as much as I want to self-actualize.

What if unconsciousness is good?

Fuck, unconsciousness is good? No way! Well, actually...

• If you want to live an easy, safe, comfortable existence
• If you want to have at least some happiness, sometimes
• If "ignorance is bliss" is your motto
• If you want to be in the herd

Then I suppose unconsciousness would be good. But I can give a million-and-one different reasons why unconsciousness would be bad. I shall continue to hold my belief like a religious fanatic.

Sigh...We'll have to work with this some more.

 

 

Edited November 20, 2017 by jjer94

[zenjen]

This reminds me of a story Alan Watts told: “Buddha said, ‘If you suffer, you suffer because you desire, & your desires are either unattainable or always disappointed. Cut out desire.’ So his disciples went away and they stamped on desire, jumped on desire, cut the throat of desire, and threw out desire. When they came back, Buddha said, ‘But you are still desiring not to desire.’”

Except replace Buddha with Leo and imagine it’s about unconciousness  “but you are still unconscious to the fact that some people must be unconscious, because that is reality, because that is part of the Truth”

Edited November 20, 2017 by zenjen

[jjer94]

unconsciousness still sucks.

Quote

Getting there...that's not the hard part. It's letting go.

--Elijah, Fallout: New Vegas

Happy thanksgiving, unconscious bitch. 

I see you're still bothered by unconsciousness.

Of course I am. I mean, I see what @zenjen is pointing to. I see how this is all my own projection, that reality is what it is. But there's still so much resentment in me. 

Is it resentment? Feel into it. Go deeper.

Hurt. It's hurt. I feel undermined. Like I'm not heard.

Good. Anything deeper than that?

VINDICTIVENESS! FUCK! I've been bullied all my life by those unconscious fucks and I want to show them who's boss! I'm going to be the most enlightened motherfucker they've ever come to know! And when their life goes down the drain because of their own unconsciousness, they'll come back to me, and I'll get the supreme satisfaction in saying, "I told you so." I'm going to work my ass off to be the most perfect example of a human being, just to rub it in their faces.

Interesting. Anything even deeper than that?

A sense of not being good enough. It's fairly obvious. The only reason I'd be vindictive is because I feel deficient inside and I want to one-up in order to rise above. But this game will get me nowhere. I can get all the revenge I want, but I will never fix the gaping psychological hole that I'm not good enough. The whole idea of personal worth needs to be transcended completely. 

Wow. Look at you!

Yeah... a prison of my own making... Now it's just a matter of feeling through all of this.

 

 

[jjer94]

unconsciousness sucks?

Quote

The base and motor of poor self-esteem is not confidence but fear. Not to live, but to escape the terror of life, is the fundamental goal. Not creativity, but safety, is the ruling desire. And what is sought from others is not the chance to experience real contact but an escape from moral values, a promise to be forgiven, to be accepted, on some level to be taken care of.

--Nathaniel Branden, The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem

How does vindictiveness serve your self-agenda?

It creates a divide between "oppressor" and "oppressed." By one-upping the oppressor, I can rise above them and feel superior, separate, and no longer oppressed.

What happens when you finally get your revenge? Imagine it right now.

I'd feel a personal victory that would wear off after a couple days. Then I could see myself craving more and more of it. Because really, all the scrambling around for revenge and feeling superior would be an effort to avoid suffering, not to attain happiness. Like running on a perpetual treadmill. Stop running, and fall into...

Despair.

Yes. That deep, dark despair. I don't actually want revenge. I just don't want to feel worthless. I don't want to feel like my life is going down the drain. I want to put the blame on others so I don't have to take responsibility for my own life and my own situation, so I can wait for someone or something to live my life for me. I admit it. I'm being an emotional weasel. I'm out of touch with what I want because I've spent my whole life avoiding what I don't want. 

And now, the process of accepting the unacceptable.

Yes. The obstacle is the way. Forgiving others for their unconsciousness. Forgiving anyone who has wronged me. And most importantly, forgiving myself for my own unconsciousness. I shall continue to dive into the truth of my low self-esteem, cry my guts out, and fucking own it. I will change only through acceptance and surrender.

 

[jjer94]

thermodynamics, my ass.

Quote

Relaxation implies that we are not hiding from ourselves and are not at war with who we are. Chronic tension conveys a message of some form of internal split, some form of self-avoidance or self-repudiation, some aspect of the self being disowned or held on a very tight leash.

-Nathaniel Branden

I know it served me well in organic chemistry, but fuck the first law of thermodynamics. Energy can be created or destroyed out of thin air. At least that's my own experience.

Energy is relative and holistic. Meaning, it doesn't just come from what you put into your body. It also comes from emotions. Hence the name, e-motion, energy in motion. 

When you repress emotions, you block the flow of your energy body, and you end up feeling exhausted all the time. There's someone I know who's a perfect example of this. She complains all the time about how exhausted she is, all while she's in a marriage she doesn't want to be in, does shit she doesn't want to do, moralizes herself to death, and denies these things. She's also scatter-brained, ungrounded, and complains of being cold often. It requires a lot of energy to live a lie. 

So here's my personal law of thermodynamics:

When you do shit you don't want to do (extrinsic motivation), you lose energy, since most of it is directed towards repression. When you do shit you actually want to do (intrinsic motivation), you gain god-given boundless energy.

Of course, in order to get to the latter, you have to feel through and express all of the emotions you've been denying. It's like breaking a dam. The water may slap you in the face at first, but when the river starts flowing again, you begin to realize how much more worthwhile it is to be true to yourself.

 

[jjer94]

i'm a muddled muggle.

I'm confused about where I'm headed.

Explain?

On the one hand, I'm interested in music. I have an innate talent for it. On the other hand, I'm interested in self-mastery. I see the supreme importance of waking up. 

What do you spend most of your time doing?

Learning, reading, contemplating, yoga, journaling, meditating, doing the inner work. I have ZERO desire to get better at guitar, little desire to get better at singing, and some desire to get better at production. I usually have a lot of resistance to do music-related stuff, but I can spend literally all day doing self-mastery work if I had to. 

Then what's the issue? Forget about talent; mastery and discipline should be the focus. Do the things you can stay consistent with, the things you feel intrinsically motivated to do. For you, it's self-mastery, not music. 

But I feel an obligation to pursue music. All of the things I'm afraid of will have to be faced if I pursue music: my inner critic, being judged by others, humiliation, socializing, marketing, business, being flexible, the list goes on. In a sense, pursuing music would be pursuing self-mastery, since the obstacle is the way, is it not? And perhaps my current interest in "inner work" is just a ploy to run away from my true fears. Before my retreat up here, I spent the past three years trying to pursue music with supreme frustration because I had newbie levels of self-mastery. Don't these things dovetail with each other? 

Why can't you do both? Sage by day, musician by night?

I just can't seem to shake off this black-and-white thinking: that I need to focus on ONE field, and put all my time and effort into that and nothing else. That hobbies (and pretty much everything besides self-mastery) are pointless distractions. So I feel split down the middle, and my feelings are all muddled.

You stated two beliefs that seem to clash with your inner compass. Where did you acquire them?

Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey. Who do you think?  Time to get to work on these ones.

 

Edited December 1, 2017 by jjer94

[jjer94]

opening the heart.

I just had an epic cry, triggered by an exercise in a book: "Remember a moment when you deeply loved someone, maybe a newborn baby, a pet or a child." 

I immediately thought about Ziggy, one of the six guinea pigs I owned back in the day. My chest swelled for that little thing. He was a rare little piggy, in that he never bit my fingers, only licked them. We would have a routine: I would take him out of his cage, put him on the sofa, lie down next to him and outstretch my arm, and he would burrow into my armpit.

We found out while traveling that he had a tumor in his abdomen. Dad said there were two options: surgery or euthanasia. I decided on the latter, but by the time we got back, nature already did it for us. I never had a chance to say goodbye. 

I wasn't crying today because I miss him. I was crying for the loss of myself, the part of me that loved unconditionally. I was crying for all the people around me who also have wounded hearts and dysfunctional relationships. What happened? Where did all the love go? 

I also find it kind of sad that I could only really love my pets unconditionally. I closed my heart at a very early age, and pets were my way of feeding it. Now, with all the chakra work, yoga, and bioenergetic stuff I'm doing, it's becoming harder and harder to live without this deep love. It's becoming harder to witness how manipulative I am, and how manipulative I've been, in my relationships. And sadly, it's becoming harder to be around people who are also manipulative, who have also closed their hearts to ego. 

I'm referring mostly to my parents. I feel a sort of tenderness and compassion towards them, but also immense sadness. They may never see the light of day, and I have to accept that. I also think about the collective unconscious, all of the ethnic, cultural, and gender groups that have been wronged in the past and act in accordance with those hurts. There's so much suffering there, I can feel it. So much sadness. And what can I do, except open my own heart?

It's funny. A year ago, I would have read what I just wrote and been like, "WTF? How much more woo can you get?" But as I move into post-rationalism, words matter less and feeling matters more.

 

[jjer94]

keep on keeping on.

Another epic cry, triggered by singing and playing guitar. More like a wail. I lost my voice, but I can still write.

I'm sad because I'm lost. I feel like I'm being pulled in a million different directions at once. Life is so goddamn confusing sometimes.

I'm sad because I may have to stop songwriting and try something else. I don't have any desire to improve in it, nor any creative drive to write songs. I can't seem to get myself on track with it anymore. I used to practice every day; now it's close to once a week. I can't get past "The Dip," as Seth Godin calls it, nor am I really driven to do so. At the same time, it feels like a part of me will die if I quit. So I mourn the loss of that part of me.

I'm sad because I forgot how to live life. I take it so goddamn seriously, especially self-actualization. Self-mastery is a "Dip" I'm willing to confront. But it's as though I'm expecting to actually "get somewhere," you know that feeling? This anxiety that maybe once you _____, you can finally relax? That you won't accomplish all that you feel you need to accomplish before you die? My body clenches at the navel area every chance it gets. "whatifwhatifbutyougottawhatifhurryupobligation," it says in its language-less language. 

I remember a time back at my old house when I was actually "there." I was having a slumber party in the playroom with my brother, listening for Santa Clause on the roof. I was so excited. I actually felt joy. I actually felt deep love for my family members. Now I cry of gratitude, because I can begin to feel it again.

I see how depressed and unfulfilled my family members are at their current level of consciousness. I can feel it. It doesn't feel like a projection anymore. I'm so sad for them, and I wish them all the healing in the world. A couple months ago, I wanted to punch my dad in the face. All I want to do now is reassure him, tell him that life doesn't have to be so empty, that you can drop your rationality and feel without any harm. But he wouldn't understand me. He just wouldn't understand. Maybe he'd understand a big hug.

And most of all, I have this giant pain-body for everyone around me. I just want to give everyone in the world a huge hug. Whoever's reading this: you deserve it. Keep on keeping on. It gets better.

 

Edited December 3, 2017 by jjer94

[jjer94]

diet change.

The more yoga I do, the more connected to my body I feel. The more connected to my body I feel, the more grounded I am. The more grounded I am, the less desire I have to eat meat.

I gravitated to the ketogenic diet in August because I was so ungrounded, depressed, and disconnected from reality. Not to mention I had an eating disorder. It was an amazing tool for me. The diet kept me satiated and kept my mind off of food. It established fat-burning metabolic machinery within me. Meat is a very dense, energetically grounding food, which is precisely what I needed at the time.

Now that those problems are beginning to dissolve, I'm following my body's intuition and gravitating back towards a mostly plant-based diet. Except this time, there will be no moralizing. Only following the body's cues. 

I couldn't find any pictures of Ziggy on my computer, so here are some doped-out Israeli camels.

 

[jjer94]

i'm a muggled muddle.

Quote

In today's culture some frustrated people who hit this impasse announce that they have decided to pursue a "spiritual" path and renounce their egos. This enterprise is doomed to failure. An ego, in the mature and healthy sense, is precisely what they have failed to attain. They dream of giving away what they do not possess. No one can successfully bypass the need for self-esteem.

Nathaniel Branden

I looked further into my confusion, and in it is an anxiety that I have to make some grand accomplishment in order to feel "complete" in this lifetime, as well as a deep depression that there's no point in trying to engage with the outer world because every time I try, I fail.

Damn, those two beliefs are like peas and carrots. Let's deal with the second one, since you're feeling it right now: "I shouldn't bother trying, because I fail every time." Is this true?

Sure as hell feels like it. Why did I end up here, back at the parents' house, of all places? The only 23-year-old in this god-forsaken town? Disconnected from everyone and everything except for nature, with parents that have no clue what I'm really going through because they have yet to go through it themselves? With little idea of what to do next? 

Because I've failed as a human being. All the human shit that most humans do - socializing, dating, professionalizing themselves - I can't seem to do. For the past three years I tried. But I was thrown in the dirt. Just like I've been in the past, with the countless rejections and bullies. So now, I retreat to the inner world, because the outer world sucks balls.

Can you absolutely know this is true?

Of course not.

How do you react when you believe that thought?

I react the same way I did when I got here: collapse. Head sinks down. Lack of desire to do anything but mental masturbation and inner work. Also, a plunge in self-esteem. I feel less efficacious. Oh! And anger. 

Who would you be without that thought?

I'd probably be a bit more engaging. I'd have higher self-esteem. I'd probably have a "let's see what happens" mentality more than a "you should do this and do it perfectly" mentality. God, the fucking perfectionism...

What if you should bother trying, because you don't fail every time?

I mean, what the fuck else am I going to do? Twiddle my thumbs? Ride on those doped-out camels all day contemplating what it all means? I see very clearly that relationship is a wound that needs healing. I see that I'm eventually going to have to double back and deal with it. The depression was debilitating before, but now I think I've got a good handle on it. 

Good. Another thing to keep in mind: No need to go from zero to one hundred. Small steps, my friend. 

Thanks me....

 

Edited December 4, 2017 by jjer94

[jjer94]

getting somewhere?

Quote

The belief in lack is the source of all suffering.

Bentinho Massaro

Looks like I've still got some victim mentality in me... Interesting. 

Good catch, dawg. Okay, onto the next belief: "I should get somewhere." That seems to be the gist of it. Is this true?

Well, yeah! YOLO (in this body, at least). I've got a fire in my ass to self-actualize, to know myself, to acquire the deepest possible understanding of life. I'm lacking that right now. What the hell else am I going to do? Ride on those damn camels some more? I've got to hurry, because the clock is ticking, and I could die at any moment. Hurry hurry hurry!

Is this absolutely true?

It's true to me. But in the absolute sense, I guess not. In the grand scheme of things, I'll go to the grave carrying nothing with me. Life is a motel with extended stay. Nothing's really lacking in this moment, I get that. Meditation has helped me realize this. But during the day, it feels like something is lacking. Like I really need to get somewhere, to make something of my life! Or else... I'm a failure. Or else... I lose my chance to fully grasp what this place is all about. Or else... I don't beat the game. Or else... I miss out.

FOMO to the utmost degree here. How do you react when you believe this thought?

Extreme anxiety in the pit of my belly. I literally found a mass there, so I got an ultrasound and they said everything was normal. My guess is that it's anxious muscular tension. This anxiety that I will miss out on self-mastery if I don't devote 100% of my time and effort into it. My mind is constantly thinking about the future, avoiding the present, and disregarding the past. My body's completely arrested by FOMO. 

Who would you be without that thought?

I'd be relaxed for a change. I'd find more time to just...well, enjoy life! To look around and appreciate everything without all the tension of needing to get somewhere, just how it felt on my first LSD trip.

That would come at a price though. I would have to let go of the "me" that expects to get somewhere: The Perfectionist Maximizer. I would have to let go of my MO that has been successful for years but that has also made me fucking miserable. And while that sounds easy to let go of, it's not. It's me.

What if you shouldn't get somewhere? What if you shouldn't work on self-mastery? Can you think of times when that would be true?

Yeah. Eating dinner with the family. Snowshoeing in the trail outside. Oh God...this is ridiculous. When I start thinking about these scenarios, I still believe that I should approach them with the intention of self-mastery. I find myself contemplating/doing mindfulness at dinner. Contemplating/doing mindfulness on the snowshoe trail. Hell, even contemplating/doing mindfulness in the bathroom! All with this burning desire to get to the bottom of things and improve myself. 

Oh lordy lord. Isn't that what I'm doing right now? Fuck! I'm going to need more work on this belief. Wait a sec...

Hahahaha...see what you're doing there!?

 

The song I want to share deserves its own post...