A Journey To Nowhere

[Gabriel Antonio]

@jjer94 Woooow! Hahahahhahaha! Amazing!!!! 

5 hours ago, jjer94 said:

Funny you mention Ayahuasca...

This is called synchronicity. 

It is totally worth it to take the risk and let your parents go crazy... but have the experience... Seriously.... It is so freaking worth it... Especially when you are using it in an actual ceremony... It is amazing... The energy is so high consciousness that you Awaken by osmosis at some point ahahhaha... just kidding, but if you can put up with the discomfort of not pleasing your parents, dude... it will be amazing! You will go: "Holy shit! Why did I suffer so much??? Let me just enjoy this thing... Hahahaha...."

 @Natasha

Hahaha.... it is so simple, right? Hahahaha... I had to take ayahuasca to see the power of this simple practice. As Matt Kahn puts it, "Whatever arises, love that." Hahah.. So simple... 

A good way to practice this is through self-reiki. You simply unblock your energy through the Power of your hands. You become an instrument of the Divine. You don't have to do ANYTHING. Actually, the less you interfere, the better... Then... You start feeling how good it feels to heal yourself. 

All healings happen inside... 

Dude, it is going to be so beyond you. Hahahaha.... You will be amazed by the power of Love. You will feel like a child again, but have the Consciousness of an adult. But, anyway, hehe, it is a journey. 

You will figure things out. 

Actually, the Universe will figure things out. 

Therefore, the Universe will figure the Universe out. 

Hahahaha... mindfuck... 

Just stick to this path

[Natasha]

3 minutes ago, Gabriel Antonio said:

You become an instrument of the Divine.

@jjer94 Would love to hear your music sometime. Would be cool if you made a recording of your guitar and posted it here  

[jjer94]

@Gabriel Antonio Yeah...the deeper I go down this rabbit-hole, the more of a mindfuck it becomes. I dig it. I also dig the tunes, thanks for sharing!

@Natasha

[jjer94]

perfectionism. 

I was chatting with a friend earlier about perfectionism, which reminded me of an insight I had a while back:

Perfectionism is one of my subtle addictions. 

This realization was almost like finding a trapdoor under the stage, where gears and levers control the actors. The actors were distracting me from what was going on underneath.

Perfectionism has snuck its slimy tentacles into nearly every aspect of my life. When one area feels "cured" of it, it shows up elsewhere:

• School grades - Back when I was in school, for as long as I can remember, I was obsessed with getting straight A's. 
• Staying organized - My dad deemed me "president of the organized club" because everything on my bedroom shelves had to be in their perfect positions.
• Video games - I've already talked about this one. Min/maxing addiction is analogous to perfectionism addiction.
• Morning/bedtime routines - Sometimes I can get neurotic about keeping routines, and I get agitated when they're disrupted.
• Judging others/putting self on pedestal - This was a much bigger problem in the past when I was in "spiritual ego" stage. I tend to judge people based on their level of consciousness, like my parents. I look up to "higher consciousness" people and look down on "lower consciousness" people, which can give me condescending tendencies. In other words, I expect people to be perfect.
• Cringing with perfect pitch - This is a random one. Back when I was developing perfect pitch, I would cringe in choir at anyone who sang too flat or too sharp. I expected everyone to be on pitch, and would sometimes even call people out on it. 
• Guitar - When I'm learning something new on guitar, I expect to have it down perfectly after only one or two practice sessions. I criticize myself if I don't. 
• Making music - When I'm recording my stuff, I try to make everything perfect. Ironically, this makes me mess up and do more takes. It also dissuades me from recording more music, because of the high amount of micromanaging required.
• Personal development - Seeing the self as impure and in need of purification.
• Orthorexia (first paleo, then vegan, then raw vegan, then fruitarian, then keto, now bulletproof) - Seeing the body as impure and in need of purification.
• Minimalism - Seeing my belongings as cluttered and in need of sorting.

So what's the cure? As with everything else, awareness. Half of these items on the list don't affect me much anymore, such as video games and staying organized, just because I've become aware of the triggers. But here are a few other notes worth mentioning:

• Practicing self-acceptance - Seeing things as imperfect means that I see myself as imperfect. Acceptance of the inner world brings acceptance to the outer world.
• Adopt a satisficer mindset - If the perfectionist is a maximizer, the opposite is a satisficer. A satisficer is someone who is okay with "good enough" rather than "perfect." (These terms come from Barry Schwartz's Paradox of Choice)
• Meditate, especially Strong Determination Sitting - This practice forces me to be okay with imperfections: pained back, feet falling asleep, butt sliding off the cushion, monkey mind that won't shut up, etc. 
• Realize lack of free will (through meditation or contemplation) - When I try to control everything and then realized that control is just an illusion, I'm learning to relax a bit and let the universe take over. 
• Realize that everything is perfect as it is - Same as the above point. This'll probably take a while. 

I love you, I love you
I mean it, I want feel it
God help me feel it...

 

Edited October 11, 2017 by jjer94

[Natasha]

On 10/11/2017 at 9:44 AM, jjer94 said:

• Adopt a satisficer mindset - If the perfectionist is a maximizer, the opposite is a satisficer. A satisficer is someone who is okay with "good enough" rather than "perfect." (These terms come from Barry Schwartz's Paradox of Choice)

Being content with 'what is' is an art in itself. Few people have truly mastered it. 

I read the book a while ago and it has really good points and insights. Glad you mentioned it 

[jjer94]

the root chakra's blocked ya.

I take my body for granted. 

Throughout most of my life, I thought I was some little puppeteer inside my head, controlling the arms and legs of this shameful disgusting puppet called the "body." Or so I thought. A couple years ago, when I realized there was no puppeteer and awoke on the level of mind, shit got unsettling. For a day I felt like a puppet without a puppeteer. Then the puppeteer returned in phantom form and has been living in the headspace ever since. 

In other words, I've dissociated myself from my body, and the initial awakening helped me realize this. I spend most of my time in the mind and forget that I'm in a body. I also forgot that the body is intimately connected with the mind. 

After doing more research into the chakras, I realize that my root chakra is extremely blocked. Also known as the Muladhara chakra, its associated color is red and it governs your survival (fight or flight) instincts. It stores early childhood trauma and its associated emotion is anger. Signs that the chakra is blocked:

• Lost sense of time ("head in the clouds")
• Addicted to control, fear of feeling free
• Conflict averse
• Lack of libido
• Fear, anxiety, depression, feeling of insecurity
• Constipation
• Cold extremities (hands and feet)
• Eating disorders
• Restlessness
• Numbing ourselves to the present moment, dissociating from our body
• Lack of purpose or work ethic

I have all of these symptoms, to some degree. Here's what I've been doing to open it up and reconnect with the body again:

• Brisk walking every day
• Hitting the gym twice per week, focusing on squats
• Doing hands-on stuff (playing guitar, woodworking, etc.)
• Earthing (walking barefoot and being out in the sun)
• Eating meat (the vegan diet didn't work for me probably because my root chakra is so blocked, and dense protein helps unblock the root chakra)
• Visualization exercises involving the color red
• Acupuncture and acupressure
• Massage work
• Breathing exercises
• Cold shower (last 30 seconds)
• Essential oil diffuser
• Vinyasa flow yoga (a recent venture, and probably the most effective one)
• Spending less time on the screens
• Contemplations on trauma (journaling, exercises from You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay, etc.)

Of course, I've slowly implemented all of these things over the past several months. The results have been slow but noticeable. More and more, my sober experience is beginning to feel psychedelic.

Speaking of which, all of this research into the chakras was inspired by my first LSD trip, which gave me a preview of what it felt to have an open root chakra. It was incredible. The anxious band of tension at my navel area totally disappeared. I remember writing on a sticky note in my apartment at the time: "Get naked. RUN. Do something primal. Yoga. Bathe in ice. Have sex. It's so nice to be back in my body!!!" I also remember actually wanting to connect with others instead of doing my usual isolation routine. 

After the first awakening, I actually thought I was in touch with the body. Oh boy, I had no idea...

In the back of the beyond
From one eye of a storm to another
A cavernous unknown
For the seeds of survival we search
I muscle and man up
'Cause every bone in my body's got nowhere left
And when the strength bleeds out
It's the hopes and the dreams that hold on...

 

[jjer94]

an obedient boy.

I don't just take my body for granted. I take life itself so much for granted.

I'm not just talking about the circumstances and the events. I'm talking about life itself. This place is such a mystery. But I've forgotten what it means to actually LOOK at something without any preconceived notions. To be genuinely curious. To be like a kid.

All of that curiosity was sapped out of me. Where did it go? I think part of it was replaced by the need to get good grades when I was in school. Instead of actually grokking something, I chose instead to memorize information and regurgitate it on an exam so I could get a good grade and feel good about myself and be a good boy. An obedient boy. Thirteen years of that ego-gratification shit.

Well fuck that! Fuck what I know! I'm willing to wipe the slate clean. I'm willing to learn things by direct experience instead of hearsay. I'm willing to be curious again. I'm willing to humble myself. I don't know if I can, but I am willing.

In the end, I'll still know jack shit about this place, but at least I'll be able to navigate it better. 

 

[Natasha]

5 hours ago, jjer94 said:

I don't know if I can, but I am willing.

You can and you will   

<3

[jjer94]

dissociation in a nutshell.

Once upon a time, body/mind was born.

Body didn't feel safe in the first few months of its birth. Perhaps it didn't receive enough breast milk, or enough love from the bigger body/mind parental units. Perhaps it was abused. Whatever the case, it adopted the visceral belief that no matter what it does, it doesn't deserve enough. And thus, the world is scarce and unsafe. 

This belief manifests in physical form as body/mind grows up. Body/mind is underweight no matter how much it eats. Body/mind has health issues, especially with the large intestine. Body/mind feels fear, depression, and anxiety nearly every waking hour. Body/mind is restless and disorganized. Body/mind has a hard time focusing on long-term tasks. Body/mind doesn't like to be touched. Body/mind is conservative and not open to new experiences or meeting new people. Body/mind has a hard time making money. Body/mind feels generally ungrounded.

Mind didn't sign up for this shit. It doesn't want to feel this painful burden that body bears. So what does it do? It splits, or dissociates. 

Mind tries every way to dominate body in order not to feel the pain and the visceral feelings of danger. Mind tunes out the feelings by doing drugs or alcohol. Mind tries to stay occupied through television, video games, monotonous heady work, mental masturbation, or even real masturbation.

Mind tries to solve its problems on the level of mind, thinking that as long as it strengthens itself, it won't have to deal with body. It adopts the belief that the body is a filthy prison that can be transcended. It spends years in meditation. It spends years in talk therapy. It spends years ruminating about philosophical topics. But nothing is working. Body is still screaming fear.

At this point, mind has reached the tipping point. It feels tempted to destroy the body in an act called "suicide," because it feels trapped. It feels like all hope is lost. It feels like it's tried everything. Mind feels like it's in a burning office building, where the building is the body. 

Mind devised an ultimatum. It's either jump out the window, or walk into the fire.

 

[jjer94]

shadow work, part un.

Quote

Shadow qualities are met with intense criticism and judgment as they are projected onto others. The presence of this judgment is our clue to the shadow as a rejected self. If sexuality is a rejected self, then overt sexuality in others will produce a highly charged negative reaction (much like what we see in some religious sects fixated on the sexual behavior of others). If anger is a rejected self, we will fear and criticize it in others. If we suppress our emotions, we will have little tolerance for those who are needy, crying, or strongly expressive. It makes us very uncomfortable to be around someone expressing our shadow energies. Our judgment is an attempt to negate the source of our discomfort.

-Anodea Judith; Eastern Body, Western Mind

What personality trait do you criticize?

I really don't like dominating, controlling people. People who almost appear to be bullies. People who tell me what to do.

Who in your life today and from the past embodies this personality trait?

Today: my dad and brother. 

Before: countless bullies, girls, friends, therapists, classmates.

How have you tried to negate the discomfort that comes from being around these people?

I've tried running away through travel. I've tried not calling them. I've tried pushing them away through angry outbursts. I've tried keeping physical and emotional distance. I've tried isolating myself. I've used justifications such as, "they don't know what's best for me." I've become an independent worker and thinker. I've tried weightlifting to feel stronger and more protected against these people. I don't reach out for help.

Based on your avoidance of this personality trait, what have you rejected in yourself? 

My personal willpower/responsibility.

Where do you think this rejection came from?

Partly from being bullied as a kid. My dad and brother picked on me, classmates picked on me. I'd say "stop" and they wouldn't stop. I think it also comes from our victim-mentality culture. Western culture encourages "getting real" over following your dreams. That there's no money in _____ . That you need talent. That your genes dictate your life circumstances. That you should trust authorities and not yourself. That you shouldn't rock the boat.

How has this manifested in your life?

I let people walk over me. I let them tell me how small or incapable or subordinate I am, and I believe it. I am unsure about what I really want. I take easier part-time work because I don't think I'm capable of more responsibility. My body has developed in such a way to take up the least amount of space - short, underweight, hunched shoulders. My voice is weak. I don't think more than two days ahead, and I don't ever think about the past. I gravitated towards spiritual teachings that say "there is no you" or "there is no free will" to justify my lack of responsibility and tendency to "chop wood, carry water," instead of having higher aspirations. I bought Leo's Life Purpose Course and didn't finish it because it was too daunting for me. I returned home because it instinctually meant less responsibility. 

Well, shit.

 

 

Edited October 24, 2017 by jjer94

[jjer94]

the kiss of sisyphus.

Quote

In Greek mythology Sisyphus or Sisyphos (/ˈsɪsɪfəs/;[2] Greek: Σίσυφος, Sísuphos) was the king of Ephyra (now known as Corinth). He was punished for his self-aggrandizing craftiness and deceitfulness by being forced to roll an immense boulder up a hill, only to watch it come back to hit him, repeating this action for eternity. Through the classical influence on modern culture, tasks that are both laborious and futile are therefore described as Sisyphean.

Lately, I've been noticing something going on in my head. It's this creeping thought that's asking, "What the hell are you going to do with your life?"

I guess I've been bothered lately. Since two and a half months ago, I feel sososo much better. I'm actually getting up and doing stuff. Still, there's this underlying emptiness that I wake up to in the morning. This frustration, that I have no real directed sense of purpose. And no matter how much mental masturbation or running around I do, I can't just will myself to have one. 

So this voice of the past is nagging me. Following me around and kind of freaking me out. "What the hell are you going to do with your life?" Teachers, my brother, my dad, TV characters, Leo - they've all said it to me in one form or another.

It's giving me a lot of self-doubt. Part of me wants to believe the voice, that I can somehow will myself into action and just start doing something with purpose. In fact, for the past three years, I did listen to that voice. I worked my ass off with the music. But it felt like a Sisyphean struggle. I wasn't internally grounded; I wasn't psychologically ready. It felt like no matter how hard I worked, I had this underlying sense of futility. And then I burned out.

Now, I'm up here like Henry David Thoreau. Walking, farming, exercising, learning, contemplating.

I feel like I shouldn't have to force myself to do anything. That life shouldn't have to feel Sisyphean. That there may be some brute forcing here and there, but most of the day can feel like a flow. That everything I do can be aligned with some intrinsic purpose. Maybe I'm being naïve according to my culture and my family, but that's how I feel. That's what I believe.

After my first LSD trip, I instinctively gravitated towards yoga, bodywork, body awareness, and shadow work, because I see just how blocked my first three chakras are, which all relate to survival and action (more on that in future entries). When I was tripping, those chakras opened up, and I started taking action without any struggle. Minus the hallucinations, that's my goal. 

[jjer94]

shadow work, part deux.

Quote

“Since pleasure invites an expansion of energy from the core to the periphery, then someone with a deficient second chakra remains in a contracted state. Such a person tends to avoid pleasure, often because of a harsh inner critic that cannot allow fun without self-condemnation. This denial may send energy to higher chakras, with either positive or negative results. The energy may move upward to the third chakra as frantic activity or workaholism, or to the higher chakras as increased creativity, religious fervor, obsession with purity, or intellectual pursuits. As pleasure becomes a rejected self, the pleasure of others meets with harsh judgment.”

-Anodea Judith; Eastern Body, Western Mind

What personality trait do you criticize in others?

I tend to criticize in others what Leo would call "chimp behavior" - activities usually deemed low consciousness. This includes eating indulgent junk foods, watching TV, engaging in gossip, having sex, engaging in family antics, or any other short-term pleasures. 

Who in your life today and from the past embodies this trait?

Today: All of my family members.

In the past: classmates and friends.

How have you tried to negate the discomfort that comes from being around these people?

I've tried running away through travel. I've tried not calling them. I've tried pushing them away through angry outbursts. I've tried keeping physical and emotional distance. I've tried isolating myself. I've used justifications such as, "they're all so unconscious, it's not worth spending time with them." I've become an independent worker and thinker. I don't reach out for help, and believe that I can do everything for myself.

Based on your avoidance of this personality trait, what have you rejected in yourself? 

My personal desire for pleasure, i.e. second chakra.

Where do you think this rejection came from?

The move that happened when I was four months old probably had something to do with it. I probably didn't receive enough touch. Growing up, sexuality was never openly discussed in my family. Teachers preached a heavy work ethic over everything else. My parents limited video game playing to the weekends only, which only made me feel more guilty for (and addicted to) playing them. The field of personal development (especially Leo) often encourages a long-term achievement-oriented mindset and shuns the short-term pleasures, seeing no point to them. 

How has this manifested in your life?

Intense moralizing, especially when it comes to the pursuit of pleasure. I feel guilty for watching too much TV/Youtube. I quit video games. I have little libido and passion. I have some orthorexia (obsession with healthy eating/purifying the body). I obsess over personal development, spirituality, and the pursuit of higher consciousness (excessive sixth and seventh chakras). I feel disconnected from my body and its needs. I often feel "impure". I often feel guilty, and even angry, for my sexual preferences. My lower half is very stiff: cold feet, knees and pelvis locked. I have the urge to sit often in order to maintain this energy structure. I have low energy. I have no close friends and no meaningful relationships. I have a shitty dysfunctional relationship with all of my family members. 

Well... fuck.

Pun intended?

 

[jjer94]

perfectionism, part whatever.

Quote

To be fully alive, fully human, and completely awake is to be continually thrown out of the nest. To live fully is to be always in no-man’s-land, to experience each moment as completely new and fresh. To live is to be willing to die over and over again. From the awakened point of view, that’s life. Death is wanting to hold on to what you have and to have every experience confirm you and congratulate you and make you feel completely together. So even though we say the yama mara is fear of death, it’s actually fear of life.

-Pema Chodron, When Things Fall Apart

I've been contemplating perfectionism in my direct experience a lot lately. Examining what it feels like viscerally and emotionally, and examining what the thought-stories are saying.

I've found that in my experience it comes down to this: security. Or a million other synonyms: solidity, certainty, grounding, knowing, holding on, etc etc.

I want things to be perfect all the time. I have a set standard for what "perfect" means. I attempt to manipulate reality to maintain that "perfect" standard. But reality has no set standard. It does whatever the fuck it wants. Shit happens. And because of that, reality may not always conform to my set standard of "perfect." 

So the very act of setting this "perfect" standard is setting myself up for suffering. Suffering = the thought that "reality shouldn't be the way it is right now."

The ego uses perfectionism as a tool to keep the illusion of itself going. Then, it becomes a "spiritual seeker" that looks for perfectionism (i.e. security/solidity/certainty/grounding/knowing/holding/etc.) in existence. But there is no perfectionism to existence. And it's that very lack of perfectionism that is paradoxically perfect. 

To have a perfectionistic ego is to deny the basic qualities of life: That it's transient, and that it's bigger than any standards or paradigms. In fact, it vies for the opposite qualities: solidity and certainty in a paradigm called "perfect." You could say that that's a form of death. And now, for the final paradox...drumroll... by "dying to" this perfectionistic ego, I'm actually becoming more alive. 

Go figure!

 

[jjer94]

kernels from the journal.

Quote

“We feel ashamed of ourselves, and hence of our basic instincts, which must then be controlled by the mind. As a result, shame-bound personalities feel stuck and may fall into patterns of compulsive repetition and addiction.”

-Anodea Judith

I've had amazing insights today leafing through some old journal entries. I've written in a journal on and off since first grade. Yes, first grade! I'm so damn grateful that I did, because now with my fresh perspective, I can spot the psychological patterns and see how they've persisted to present day. 

One of the most blatant patterns is toxic shame. Synonyms for shame: low self-esteem, embarrassment, humiliation, non-deservedness, feelings of unworthiness/deficiency, etc. The way I used to cope was through berating and inflating my ego. 

Now for some funny (and depressing) quotes from my journal entries:

(2001)"I had a assembly this after noon It was the shape show. every hottey in the whole school woched me. I wore these stinkin paper squares."

(2003)"I like her. She knows that I like her because a troublemaker told her." (context: I told a "friend" that I liked this girl, and he told the entire class about it. I was crying that day in front of everyone with my head down on the desk.)

(2003)"Last Sunday, I was about to puck, but still, life is good." (context: At day camp, I threw up in front of everyone because I ate too much. One of the most humiliating moments of my life. There begins my forays into eating disorders and the fear of vomiting.)

(2003)"I finally realized that I am the best writer and speller in my class." 

(2004)"I'm a master at pogostick bouncing! I can bounce 153 times in a row!!!"

(2004)"It's an amazing, 52-page long story!! It's the best story I ever wrote. It's so amazing, that I felt inside out when I read my first draft!" (context: After this entry I sent it in to a contest, and it got rejected.)

(2004)"Did you know that I'm in advanced spelling? I know, the first 20 pages of this journal wasn't such great spelling. But now, I'm a master! I can spell transcontinental! See? I just spelled it!"

(2004)"Even if years passed, I still have a crush on M, even though she's kind of bratty, I still like her. Sometimes I even have dreams of her." (context: In first grade, girl says she's in love with me and holds my hand. One day later, she says she's no longer in love with me and breaks up.)

(2004)"I've also checked out how much I've grown. Not even a centimeter. I'm all skin and bones! But one thing has changed...my muscle. I have a 6-pack, no offense!"

(2005)"I was way too lazy to write about winter break and about the new years. I was too busy playing video games (something I like to call sweet Halo 2)! Sorry about that. Maybe I won't do it next time."

(2007)"As you can see, I have blossomed into a more sophisticated writer. T...HM...I regret making those stories. Now looking back, that was so god damn embarrassing. Some of my friends even still bring it up. FORGET ABOUT IT, BITCH. I HAVE CHANGED. I am no longer that innocent little boy who played video games all day, but more involved and less modest. Well, hopefully. I am still recovering from not being able to play videojuegos for an excessive amount of time. Halo 3 is sick though."

(2007)"I have really ruined [my relationship with M] with the queer paperclips (fucking clippy! Damn you! God, I was weird...)" (context: In fourth grade I collected different colored paperclips in an Altoids can.)

(2007)"I've been making a fool of myself in P.E. In softball, 2 days ago, I played 3rd base for an inning, and I had a chance to get somebody out, but instead of pegging them, I threw the ball at them. Mr. F yelled, 'What is this? dodgeball?' I was humiliated. R [my crush] was in this class too! I wonder what she thinks...I also embarrassed myself by throwing the bat twice after I swung. It was extremely humiliating as well. Today even, in indoor 8-base kickball, I missed the kick twice. How fucking stupid is that!?"

This is only the tip of the iceberg. I still have several more entries to read through...I'm debating whether to share more.

 

[jjer94]

thawing.

For years, I've felt frozen in this block of ice. Physically stiff, psychologically circuitous, emotionally numb. Blindly falling into the same karmic cycles over and over and over and over again. I didn't realize how frozen I truly was, until I started reading through my old journal entries. 

All of these memories of past rejections. How I brushed them aside, projected onto the other person (e.g. she's just a stupid bitch), and refused to feel the hurt. Lack of awareness only made me get rejected even more. Slowly but surely, the heart grew colder and colder until it froze. Then my friend committed suicide and my heart became Antarctica. 

A little more than two years into this work, and I finally feel like I'm thawing. The anger, the hurt, the sadness, the grief. All of it's been coming to the surface. My body is releasing stuckness through yoga. My awareness is increasing through meditation. 

I see very clearly now that my self-esteem is extremely low, and my fears of humiliation and rejection are extremely high. I see how I've compensated for these fears: the social anxiety, the video games, the clinginess, then the isolation. I see that I haven't been able to forgive myself for what happened to my friend three years ago. I may just have to take a road trip to visit his family for closure. 

Despite feeling so dang sad, I'm also glad that I'm feeling. I'm actually feeling! 

 

[jjer94]

it's gonna buck.

The worst emotions are the kind that hold back other emotions. 

At the beginning of this rock bottom phase (sounds like an 80s band name), I felt guilty for feeling angry at my family. I thought that my childhood was perfect: they provided for all of my needs, they encouraged me to try new things, they didn't abuse me per se. There was no rational reason to be angry at them.

But the hurt little kid within me thought otherwise. And trying to repress the little kid when you're at your weakest is like trying to control a bull by grabbing its horns. It's gonna buck. 

The truth is, I was angry. I was angry that my autistic brother got most of the attention. I was angry that my dad forced me to ration the video games, then ultimately unplugged them. I was angry that my middle brother, being my polar opposite personality-wise, told me to be more social. I was angry that my dad and brother picked on me since I was the youngest and most defenseless. I was angry that my dad wouldn't stop when I said stop. I was angry that my mom smothered me because her relationship with my dad got cold. 

At some point, I gave in and let the bull do its thing. It still is. I find myself screaming and crying in the car, kicking the bed, and blabbering nonsense, because I feel the urge to release this pent-up energy that's ossified my system over the years. And it's only after doing this, that I realized that this anger is my own projection. More on that in another entry.

But just because I think the anger is unreasonable, doesn't mean it shouldn't be there. That goes for any other emotion.

 

[jjer94]

5% less ignorant.

More agape moments, more screaming, more crying, more being out in the beautiful woods, more yoga, rinse and repeat. My body is buzzing!

Man oh man, the anger is endless. I've been hurt so many times, and I've been too unconscious to process the hurt. Instead, what I've done over the years is just beat myself up more for my actions...which leads to depression. Depression = anger turned inward. De-pression = descending emotional pressure, that when unacknowledged, completely saps the body of energy. Or as Jim Carrey said, Dep-ression = deep rest. Where you get so sick of holding up the charade, that you just collapse.

Most of the reason why I get triggered by unconscious "chimp-like" behavior is because I've had a hard time forgiving myself for my own chimp-like behavior, especially with what happened to my friend three years ago. I have a hard time accepting ignorance. I have a hard time accepting the fact that most of the time, ignorant people are ignorant of their ignorance, and there's little I can do or say to snap them out of it.

Three years, ago, I was one of those ignorant kids, falling into the same cycles of desperation. Today, I'm only 5% less ignorant. Now is a time to forgive.

Where have I been?

 

Edited November 8, 2017 by jjer94

[Znep]

Take a step back

 

 

We fell asleep ... That is all.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I wanna do it again...

 

On 06/11/2017 at 4:09 AM, jjer94 said:

I was angry that my dad and brother picked on me since I was the youngest and most defenseless.

 

All you gotta do, show these niggas you aint soft:

 

 

 

This way please...

Edited November 11, 2017 by Znep

[jjer94]

the remains.

 

I empty myself of the names of others. I empty my pockets.

I empty my shoes and leave them beside the road.

At night I turn back the clocks;

I open the family album and look at myself as a boy.

 

What good does it do? The hours have done their job.

I say my own name. I say goodbye.

The words follow each other downwind.

I love my wife but send her away.

 

My parents rise out of their thrones

into the milky rooms of clouds. How can I sing?

Time tells me what I am. I change and I am the same.

I empty myself of my life and my life remains.

 

--Mark Strand

[jjer94]

hey! listen!

I realized today just how little I listen to my family members.

I sometimes ask them how their day was out of courtesy, but I don't actually care what they have to say. My mind just tunes out and goes elsewhere. It predicts what they're going to say and responds with "Yeah," "Sure," "Mhm," "Cool." 

This phenomenon is an example of the psychological term called adaptation. Adaptation is your psyche's tendency to get desensitized to something if you're exposed to it regularly. The best example would be a gift. When you receive a shiny laptop as a gift, that sucker is amazing. You want to spend as much time as you can on it. But how about one month later? The excitement of having the laptop wears off completely.

I don't know how to combat adaptation. Am I doing them a disservice if I pretend to care? Wait, this goes deeper than I thought. Much deeper than adaptation. Maybe I...oh fuck, the truth?... Here goes...

I don't value what they have to say. I've made my own value judgment towards them. I've deemed them as "psychologically underdeveloped." I've shut out all possibilities that they could say something noteworthy to me, and because of that, I half-listen to their words. What does this say about me? That I'm manipulative? A scornful bastard? A self-righteous close-minded prick? Nah, just honest. And perhaps somewhat aware and somewhat willing to change.

In some ways, they're worse in this regard. They not only tune me out sometimes, but they also have rigid belief systems. They won't actually listen to new ideas. Instead, they just wait their turn to preach their ideas at me. Law of attraction, much?