A Journey To Nowhere

[jjer94]

A chapter ends, a new one begins.

After a couple weeks of binge eating and feeling sorry for myself, I finally quit my job and went North to stay with the parents for R&R. The place where I was, was a hellhole. But, I got what I paid for. Honestly, now that I have some distance from the whole situation, I'm glad I went through it. I think of the following quote: "Only a man who has suffered the deepest misfortune is capable of experiencing the heights of felicity." - Alexandre Dumas, The Count of Monte Cristo. 

The human condition is slimy. When it feels threatened, it sees what it can get away with right now without any thought of the future. All to avoid the groundlessness of this thing called life.

Nahhhhh, one croissant's not a big deal. Yeaaahhhhhhhh, eating an entire 14" vegan pizza is what you need right now (WORTH IT). Ohh, watching your brother play video games when you were little was comforting, so why don't you watch a few Let's Plays? Everything will be all right...

Everything was not all right. I was miserable. Lonely, depressed, unmotivated, lost after the expedition to Ireland. Still am, but to a much lesser degree.

Within a matter of days, I've rebounded significantly. A morning routine developed organically: wake up with the sun, go down to the dock, do pranayama, meditate, jump in the water, do a few yoga poses, intermittent fast, then make some green juice, have some fruit or a smoothie, then denser starchy food like oats. Yup, I'm taking a break from the raw vegan thing for now. It's the end goal, but I'm simply not ready yet. I have too many "food vasanas" to burn. 

This is my front yard at the moment. A hummingbird is a few feet away sucking on white flowers as I write this.

Being outside in the sun, moving around, swimming, suntanning, and doing basic pointless chores. Who would'a thunk these little things could have such a profound effect on my demeanor?

A lot shattered here, hopefully making room for new things. I'm fed up with playing the role of being a spiritual authority, so that's part of the reason why I started a new thread and don't really participate in forum discussion. I'm convinced from my own experience that most of you who participate on the forum are not really looking for advice, but more for validation and company. I guess I'm doing the same, since I could easily be writing this all in my personal journal but am choosing instead to write here.

I'll probably post some resources in the future. I'm always experimenting with different stuff. But that's life, is it not? Try this, try that. Explore. Build. Play. Smile, frown, poop, pee, sleep. Become progressively more awake. Or not. Then, die. An oddly beautiful thing.

A journey to nowhere.

 

Edited August 1, 2017 by jjer94

[Gabriel Antonio]

3 hours ago, jjer94 said:

Only a man who has suffered the deepest misfortune is capable of experiencing the heights of felicity." - Alexandre Dumas, The Count of Monte Cristo. 

Beautiful quote! 

Thank you for sharing your journey! I also feel that something has shifted in me recently. It is very cool to see that others are also awakening.

Blessings from Brazil  

 

 

[jjer94]

minception.

Okay. I have had ENOUGH. Enough of protecting this "vegan" identity. I didn't go into this diet plan for the ethical reasons. I went into it for the health reasons, and the ethical/environmental/moral reasons are a plus. But what's having some butter every once in a while going to do to me? Or an omelette? I really really crave some fucking eggs right now. More than any other animal products, it's eggs and butter...

I had butter today in my millet. and it was SATIATING. I didn't have the urge to eat again one hour later, like I normally do with Starch-Solution-esque meals. I do really well with some fats, not so well with solely starches. I really don't like the low-fat diet...FOR ME. In fact, I loved being in ketosis when doing Paleo. The mental focus and energy was incredible.

So what I've come to learn, especially with diet but really with all realms of life: everyone is different. There is no one-diet-fits-all. But generally speaking, "Eat real food. Not too much. Mostly plants." As stated in the book "In Defense of Food" by Michael Pollan. Some other modalities I think are worth trying too: intermittent/long term fasting, mostly raw foods, not combining protein and starch, and eating fruit alone. 

I'm so sick of restricting myself, policing myself, and policing others. Jesus fucking christ! It's made me so fucking neurotic! I need a piña colata and a nice slap in the face. Oh, and a happy-ending massage would be nice too.

All of this stems from my min/maxing addiction. I used to think I was addicted to video games, back when I played them for several hours every day. But I was never addicted to them in the first place. I was addicted to min/maxing, and I still am. 

Min/maxing is mentioned in Leo's subtle addictions video. It basically means, the urge to constantly improve to perfection, whether it be a video game avatar or yourself. I think a lot of people like me who have turned self-development into a hobby have this addiction. In my own contemplation, I think it stems from a lack of self-acceptance/a feeling of self-deficiency, which in turn likely comes from childhood programming. 

Kind of funny that I'm using my min/maxing addiction to try to eradicate my min/maxing addiction. Minception...

 

[Ludwig]

@jjer94

Keep up the blog, you're a very good writer. Have you looked into Gabriel Cousens stuff? He's a very enlightened guy with lot of good advice on nutrition.

 

[jjer94]

@Ludwig Thank you.

Yep! I'm actually in the middle of reading Spiritual Nutrition. He and Brian Clement are the two dudes that I most support in regards to their views on nutrition. While their diet plan is my ultimate goal, I just can't do it right now in my current circumstances. I've been juicing pretty much every day, eating homemade sprouts, blue-green algae, seaweed, raw nuts/seeds, etc. but I've also been craving lots of cooked food. Also sneaking some grass-fed butter here and there, and plan to try local eggs in order to ease back into becoming fat-adapted again. No interest in meat/dairy anymore though.

[jjer94]

this too shall pass. (even though Gandalf thinks otherwise)

The honeymoon period is over, and the depression reared its ugly head.

Yesterday, I was sobbing in bed. Last night, the suicidal thoughts came back. They carried over into the morning, where I couldn't get out of bed for three hours. After breakfast, I lied down on the wooden porch outside and couldn't get up for an hour and a half. The only reason I got up was to go back inside and migrate to the bedroom. Gotta be comfortable when you're contemplating death. 

For the rest of the afternoon I was lying there, motionless. My feet felt like lead weights. My body refused to get up. I've never gotten this low before, and let me tell you, it's fucking weird. 

Now I understand people with depression, when they say that they just can't. How even when given the greatest advice, they won't follow it. Their mind and body doesn't let them. It's like being stuck in a glass coffin. You can see through the glass all the things you need to do to get better, but you can't escape the coffin. All you can really do is just lie there and surrender. 

I knew physical exercise would help, but my legs wouldn't move.

I knew watching a funny video would help, but I had no desire to distract myself.

I knew talking would help, but my vocal cords wouldn't move.

No motivation to live, no motivation to die, no motivation to do anything. Just lying there.

As I've learned through meditation, this too shall pass (even though Gandalf likes to think otherwise). Thoughts and emotions come and go. Nothing is permanent here. And soon enough, I got up and started to stretch and move around. 

Something in me changed. I was more relaxed. I was not drawn to do anything for a particular outcome. I didn't feel the need to distract myself. I just...did. For the sake of doing. For the joy of it. I haven't felt that way since I was very little. So relaxed and at ease! So present and grateful. Of course, here I am again, back to "normal" neurotic self. Who knows what'll happen in the coming weeks. Fortunately, I have some support.

I sometimes wish that life came with an operations manual that could tell me how to fix this broken body with guaranteed results. Fix the throat tension, the sacral tension, the chronic constipation, the jaw clenching, the impotence, the social anxiety, the self-deficient programming, the addictions to thinking and min/maxing. It's a lot harder and a lot more frustrating to fumble in the dark and test out a million different things at once without any clue of whether they will work. 

 

Edited August 9, 2017 by jjer94

[Natasha]

1 hour ago, jjer94 said:

Just lying there.

 

[Ludwig]

@jjer94

Some inspiration.

 

 

 

[jjer94]

the bethesda games.

I just had a major insight while writing in my personal journal and felt the need to write it here, in order to flush it out. 

The reason I haven't been writing much here is due to a relapse of video game addiction. To be expected, since this place is too damn comfortable and I'm too damn unsatisfied with myself and my life circumstances.

I began yearning for all the old games I used to play: Age of Empires II, Rollercoaster Tycoon, Ocarina of Time, Majora's Mask, Final Fantasy X, Banjo Tooie, etc. I even booted up a couple of them using Steam and project 64. But the moment I started playing them, I'd become unsatisfied and quit within minutes...

Except for Skyrim. Fucking Skyrim. 

The single-player Bethesda games (in particular the Fallout and Elder Scrolls series) are drug-like in nature. They give you an addicting reward system, but don't give you much else. You expect their next game to have more depth, only to discover the opposite: stream-lined choices, poor voice acting and writing, broken game mechanics, terrible bugs... But that doesn't stop you from exploring their vast open worlds and fighting endless hordes of the same enemies. Because there's always the chance that that one chest will give you that daedric helmet you've been searching for...

When you add mods into the mix, it's a perfect recipe for addiction. So you're not just addicted to the game itself, but you're also addicted to finding the best mods for your playthrough. A couple days ago, I found myself quitting several times within minutes of playing, only to add this mod, remove that mod, tweak the load order, etc...

My brain was buzzing a couple days ago. It wouldn't shut up. I played 'till 3 in the morning. Meditation the next morning was a doozy, but I'm so glad I stuck with it because it snapped me out of the haze. Fortunately, awareness has had a cumulative effect over the years. The more I try to return to my old ways, the more painful and depressed I become, and the more I realize I can't.

Earlier tonight, I was researching video game's effects on brain chemistry, and it occurred to me just how much the Bethesda games have had an impact on the way I approach life:

• Exploration. Bethesda's open-world games are heavy on exploration, but they are also known for being "as wide as an ocean, as deep as a puddle." In other words, conducive to the dabbler mindset, as described in George Leonard's Mastery. I've had lots of dabbling issues through the years. Music and self-actualization have been two of the only things I've really stuck with.
• Min-maxing. I've talked about this before. Bethesda games are a gold mine for the min-maxing gamers. This tendency to try to create the perfect character has fizzled over into my everyday life, hence my perfectionism, feelings of self-deficiency, and obsession with personal development and trying to acquire a complete understanding of life, as Leo puts it.
• Reward. The dopamine-fueled reward systems in these games (new level, new quest rewards, new location discovered, new perks) wire you to chase after the newest, easiest "high." In other words, the hedonic treadmill. I think everyone's been on it before at some point in their lives.
• People. This one's a biggie. Especially true in Bethesda games, video game characters can feel hollow at times. There usually aren't many dialogue options besides questions, and the characters' passive dialogue can get pretty repetitive. The lack of dialogue options makes you more passive in the conversation and less interested in the character's backstory. Oh my lord, this resonates so much with my life and how I deal with people. I usually don't have much to say in conversations, because I have a hard time thinking of things to say. I tend to ask questions and prefer to listen. I see myself and most people as two-dimensional hollow characters like in the video games...which is further exacerbated by learning more about enlightenment. The list goes on. 
• Familiarity. Playing through these games multiple times gives you a sense of comfort and familiarity. Playing some of these games feels more "home-like" than actually living at home. Which goes to show that home is not a place, but rather a state of mind. And it seems the goal of personal development is to become so comfortable with being uncomfortable that everywhere and everything begins to feel like home.

I feel like these points are just the tip of the iceberg. Writing about them has brought some clarity. It'll be much harder now to hypnotize myself back into the darkness of addiction.

 

Edited August 14, 2017 by jjer94

[jjer94]

(in the voice of Arnold) i'm back.

I've been reluctant to write lately. Not just because of the video games, or because I don't feel like it. It's mostly because I've made a few drastic changes and I don't like to be judged.

Now, I say screw it. I shall display my mistakes openly. I shall be who I am at this moment and feel the lightness of praise and the sting of criticism. I shall be poetic as possible by using as many "shall"s as I shall. 

I went a total 180 on diet to the "dark side." I'm eating a la Dave Asprey's Bulletproof Diet. Someone suggested it to me in my other journal, so I looked into it. Thanks @West ! 

My body was telling me to eat meat, so I decided to slowly chew on a grass-fed burger patty from our half-cow. The next day, I felt like a million bucks. I make my own version of bulletproof coffee in the morning: chaga tea, vanilla, cinnamon, kerrygold butter, and mct oil. Sooo good. It keeps me going until the afternoon. Tonight, I ate a smaller portion of new york strip steak from our cow. Again, feel amazing.

Two nights ago, I had a sweet potato meal. Felt like a bloated balloon, couldn't think straight. Then, for my mom's birthday last night we had Italian. Wheat and pasta galore. Not only was I bloated, brain-fogged and craving sugar like crazy, this morning I was depressed and having a temper tantrum. I don't seem to do well with grains in general. 

My desire to have purpose is back. My skin is clearing up. No sugar cravings. No hunger every two hours. Energy and focus are skyrocketing due to dipping in and out of ketosis. I actually WANT to do sprints and go to the gym. And the most amazing thing is, my libido is back. On the vegan/raw vegan diet, I had zero libido, which was kind of scary. Now that I'm eating meat again, I feel like a sex-starved chimp. 

Based on what I'm learning about chakras, this all makes sense. The muladhara (base) chakra's associated nutrient is PROTEIN. Now that I'm flooding my body with dense animal protein, I feel more grounded.

Of course, I had to battle with my ethics to eat meat again. I also had to let go of all the things I've learned from Dr. Morse, John Rose, Gabriel Cousens, Brian Clement, Dr. Greger, the vegan documentaries, et cetera. Well, not necessarily. I still think a lot of what they teach is valid. 

But I had to listen to my body. Direct experience trumps hearsay. Learning = behavior change. 

I still will not support factory farming. I will buy only pastured grass-fed meats and eggs. I'm still sprouting, eating seaweed and sauerkraut, and doing my chlorella/spirulina too. Ya know, all that healthy vegan stuff. But I'm supplementing it with high-quality animal protein. I'm also not cooking it to death, as to preserve the nutrition. 

As I grow older, I'm learning not to say "I will always_______" or "I will never __________". The only thing constant in the universe is change. And you either go with or against it.

 

Edited August 23, 2017 by jjer94

[Natasha]

@jjer94 Your post made me hungry C(: Warmed up some banana bread I made this morning (with brown rice flour) and spread Kerrygold butter on it like I mean it...sooo good. The groovie music hit the spot too. Glad you're feeling bettre  

 

[jjer94]

agape moments.

Around an hour ago, I had one of those agape moments.

You know, one of those moments where you feel so grateful to be alive that the crying, screaming, and tears become so uncontrollable and they begin to climax in this totally epic waking-up blissful explosion. 

I haven't had an agape moment for over six months. What triggered this one was my car ride home from the dentist. I was listening to music, and for the first time in a long time, I passionately sang along to it.

I was utterly flabbergasted, considering for the past four months or so I have had ZERO motivation to do anything except mope around, be a hermit, and watch youtube videos so I could be militant towards other people's beliefs and hate humanity. I was so surprised that I began crying of joy. I was worried that my passion was gone for good. But it's slowly but surely coming back. And it's not the "I want to like this again so that other people will praise me" kind of passion. It's the "I want to make love to life for no reason" kind of passion.

To what do I owe this surge of passion? Well, the only thing I've changed in the past couple weeks is my diet. Seems very likely that nutritional deficiency was the culprit of my muscular, psychological, motivational, physical, and spiritual degeneration. 

I think the vegan diet is very noble. Some people maybe thrive on it. But in my experience, it's definitely not the right one for my circumstances right now. You have to be very careful and make sure to supplement, because there are a few nutrients that you literally cannot get from plants. And just because the nutrition facts say it contains a particular nutrient doesn't mean it will all be absorbed, which is especially the case with plant foods due to anti-nutrients.

There's a stereotype that goes around about how militant vegans are, how they love animals but hate their fellow humans. Based on my experience with the diet, I think a lot of those irritable vegans have nutritional deficiencies. Less than a month ago, I was on the porch, unable to get up because my legs felt like lead weights, unable to communicate, depressed and suicidal and angry at everyone. Now, after only two weeks of reintroducing meat and going keto, I actually WANT to work out and do stuff, to be outside, to breathe in the fresh air. I respect my family more and feel the urge to actually communicate. I'm not so irritable. I had the agape moment. A few other symptoms:

• No cravings. This is the most bizarre symptom. On the vegan diet, I never felt satisfied or satiated, and craved nothing but sugar and wheat products. On this diet, I have no cravings at all. I can go hours without thinking about food. And when hunger hits, it's not a violent gnawing as much as it is a call to eat.
• No bloating. All the starches and grains made me bloat like a mofo. On this diet, no bloating. I'm beginning to see the six-pack emerge once again.
• No brain fog. No post-meal comas. Less trouble communicating.
• Libido. It's back. That was my biggest concern on the vegan diet: I had absolutely no sex drive. Now I can actually feel my dick again. My extremities also aren't as cold.

I'm excited to see what happens over the next few weeks. 

 

[jjer94]

a farewell, for now.

At least for now, I don't feel the need to write here anymore. My personal journal will suffice.

Most of what I read and write here is just circle-jerking, and it's all a big fat distraction from the things I need to do right now.

The whole field of personal development has left a bitter taste in my mouth lately. I feel like most of it is just another huge ego trip, a shuffling around of concepts and ideas in our mental prisons. We build all these habits and routines, say this affirmation, do this exercise, but for what? Because we actually want to do it, or because we feel that we need to fix ourselves? Because we like the activity, or because we need to find a new way to police ourselves because school is done?

I see so many young people on this forum going through what I went through, the "I-want-Leo's-life-purpose" phase, where they get so obsessed and gung-ho about spirituality and PD that they completely forget about all the other aspects of their life until life itself becomes this bland, lonely mess, and they're sitting on top of their self-righteous mountain looking down at the "unconscious" people believing they have it all figured out but wondering in the back of their minds why they're still not happy.

Hopefully, it's a phase. As Jed McKenna said, we are self-fertilizing animals. We rise up out of our bullshit, or we don't.

My focus right now is on healing my body's energetics, as well as cultivating the innate bodily joy that I felt while tripping on LSD. I want my life to feel internally grounded. I don't like to force things. I want to do things out of an innate desire to do it, not because it's a chore. And this writing's beginning to feel a bit like a chore.

Finding a mentor would be pretty dope too, but I have no idea how to do that. 

Anyway. I wish y'all the best on your journey to nowhere. And feel free to PM. I'll be around.

JJ.

 

 

[jjer94]

david and goliath.

I'm not sure if I'll be able to rise up out of my own bullshit.

I think I've reached my last leg. I'm tired and lonely as fuck. I feel like nothing's changed. I've meditated, stretched, breathed, read hundreds of books, tried pursuing a higher purpose with music for three years. I even went out and busked in front of hundreds of people on a busy street on several occasions. But nothing will remove the guilt of my friend's suicide. Nothing will remove the endless rage I have for my father and my brother. Nothing will remove the anguish I feel when I contemplate life's utter lack of meaning. Nothing will remove the sense of deficiency I feel constantly. Nothing will remove the inner critic that tells me that I suck at making music and that I should quit like I did a decade ago.

From what I (barely) remember (seriously, I can hardly remember my past), I used to feel joy as a kid. I also used to cry a lot, but I used to feel genuine joy. Now, I can barely feel my feet. They're cold and sometimes numb. There's a tension deep in my navel that's been around since the suicide, and I haven't been able to go to the bathroom without assistance from an enema. 

Talking to my parents is like talking to fucking automatons. Especially my Dad. All he does is hoard, protect, hoard, protect, perpetuate his identity, rinse, repeat. All is logic to him, and little does he realize that his emotions are telling him that. Do you know how frustrating it is to try to communicate with someone like that? It's like trying to talk to a broken record. Like someone from another dimension. And I hold my tongue as much as I can, because money. The slimy, manipulative fuck that I am. 

And now, here I go again. As I'm drowning and sinking back down into the depths, I come back to this forum platform. For what? Do I really expect someone to throw a line out for me? To give me some magical bullshit word-formula that I've already heard in the 100+ books I've read? What the hell do I want? Nothing? Then what the fuck am I doing? What's the point of living if I don't even want anything? What's the point of trying to drive a car that doesn't want to start?

I have a doc appointment in ten days, but I don't really expect too much, since it's a western doctor. He'll probably say it's depersonalization or DTD and give me some tranquilizers with questionable side effects so I can continue to plod along and chew my cud like all the other somnambulistic zombies (i.e. my family) out there. Treating symptoms not causes, as per usual. 

It's so sad. This physical, social, emotional and spiritual disconnection. Part of me wants to give life and everything a great big hug. But then there's the other part that doesn't want to be hurt again, doesn't want to be rejected again for the 10487th time and reminded once again that he's a defective piece of shit. But it's already too late, since he believes he's a defective piece of shit and it seems that no amount of mirror affirmations or inner child work will fix that. 

The fears are endless, and the walls are high. I've got no other enemy but myself. David and Goliath. At least I have this beaut of a song.

 

[jjer94]

golden teacher.

Last leg? Pffft. Nice try, survival machine.

Truth is, I have matured over these past three years. A lot. I just have a hard time remembering. 

And emotions have been raw lately, no doubt. A lot of old baggage is coming up to be released. In particular, the anger, especially towards my family. No wonder why the universe brought me back to them. I've spent the past two years traveling and road trippin' and farming and exploring, all to realize that I've been running away from them. I've also been running away from myself, but that's a given. 

Referring back to Ralston's Book of Not Knowing has been helpful. Here's what he says about anger, which is confirmed in my direct experience:

Quote

Anger is
• About something that has passed

• Based on a feeling of hurt

• Revealing a core sense of incapacity

• Regenerating a sense of capacity through a destructive intent or feeling-reaction

• I felt a sense of neglect very early on. My mom weaned me only when I was a month old because she was too stressed out to make any more milk. We moved to the suburbs when I was only four months old, so my parents were heavily focused on the move.
• I have an older brother with low-functioning autism, so growing up with him has made me feel like a third-priority child. From my perspective, it seemed as though everything was about him and my louder middle brother. Always talk of getting more help, finding a new program for him, etc etc. 
• I'm small in stature. My older brother and my dad ganged up on me and often used me as a punching bag. "Come on jj, quit being a little girl!" 
• I used to be addicted to video games because it was my only way to escape the reality in which I felt so shitty about myself. At least in the video game world, I could be as powerful as I wanted. But my dad would only allow me to play on the weekends, and he insisted that I call "friends." (one of those "friend" groups ended up ditching me in middle school.) Having my coping mechanism micro-managed like this just made me want to play more.

 

• On a visceral level, I can feel my body in this constant state of tension. Hurt. Depression of the past, anxiety of the future. Constantly searching for the love I felt I didn't have in my earlier years.
• Feeling like a third-priority child made me feel inferior as a human being, as though something were wrong with me.
• Again, being a punching bag breeds the inferiority complex.
• I felt like my dad never understood me or my condition, and he still doesn't. 

 

• This sense of inferiority breeds a sense of incapacity. The core beliefs: "I'm not good enough." "I don't deserve love, even though I need it." "I am subordinate."

 

• Dad is my target. I can read him like a book. His chimpery and utter hypocrisy is laughable. I want to push all of his buttons and destroy his fortress of ego to make myself feel capable, to get revenge, and to get attention. I figure that by proselytizing him, I can get him to understand where I'm coming from and maybe receive some love and appreciation for it. But the truth is, he is who he is. He's not going to change, and there's nothing I can do about it.

A few days ago, I had an enormous release while tripping on 2g of golden teacher. I put myself in my parents' shoes and realized that they're just as clueless as I am. I imagined living in the early 90s, and receiving the news that my son was not normal. I experienced the utter heartbreak, hopelessness, and doubt. How could I afford taking care of him? Could I cure him? What about the other kids I want to have? Will they be autistic too?

I see why my parents are the way they are. I see why my dad is a perfectionist control freak. Why he's so conservative. Why he's so protective and pragmatic and misanthropic. Why he's so afraid. He had to be, in order to be the father of an autistic child. I also see why my mom is so submissive. Why she's so coddling. Why she's also so protective. Why she's so afraid. She had to be, in order to be the mother of an autistic child and the wife of a control freak. And there I was, caught in the middle of it all, oblivious to what they were really going through.

With this new understanding, I'm a lot less angry at my dad. The triggers feel like they're lessening day by day through the light of awareness. In fact, I feel a sort of tenderness for them and their current issues.

These psychedelics, when used in the right way, have been 100x more effective than the 15+ years of talk therapy and 4+ years of antidepressants I've used. It's a shame that they're commonly stigmatized.

 

Edited October 8, 2017 by jjer94

[Natasha]

@jjer94 People we're energetically incompatible with will trigger in us a measure of resistance and anxiety. So while it's good to understand and empathize, it's also wise to keep your energetic boundaries intact...whether it's a friend, co-worker, or your own parents. They would try to make you dependent on them (consciously or unconsciously) through help, money, approval, etc (my Mom was big on helping while I was at work and then trying to micromanage my life), so do as you need, just be aware of the energy dynamics. My life has become much more peaceful once I realized this. Sometimes you just have to keep emotional and physical distance from any energy unfavorable to your wellbeing.    

[jjer94]

@Natasha Oh my God... thank you so much for pointing this out to me, because I'm starting to realize this myself and I feel guilty for having the urge to cut ties. 

As I learn to accept my parents and forgive them for their shortcomings, I'm learning to accept myself and forgive my own shortcomings. And as I begin to do that, I'm beginning to think that the next step to accepting my parents and myself is to keep my distance. 

The truth is, I don't want anything to do with them. Talking to them kind of feels like a chore, because whenever I do speak openly, they don't get me. And in fact, most of the time they scorn me. There's no point in trying to make it work with them. It's more selfish to continue being close and secure with all of them just to avoid confronting my limiting beliefs (especially with money and career), than it is to be honest and risk being ostracized. I'm really doing them a disservice. Until I decide to be true to myself, I will continue to be a parasite. 

Thanks again for the wisdom. My mind is racing.

[Gabriel Antonio]

@jjer94 @Natasha Great insights! 

Relationships really are a contract. That's all. Problem is, we do not define the boundaries with the other person. So it becomes a huge mess. This gives rise to lots and lots of unecessary suffering.

Have you ever done psychedelics? I see myself in you. I was in your shoes a year ago. And now I am living pretty much in heaven hahaha.

Of course, the healing journey is multifactorial, but I owe 80% to ayahuasca. Seriously, psychedelics are an awesome catalyzer for healing. You simply remember that you are in heaven; that you are Absolute Infinity. This way, almost all of your problems and emotional baggage are simply dissolved. The Buddha defined enlightenment as "the end of suffering." It is crazy. You get a glimpse of that Consciousness when you are tripping. 

You simply dissolve TONS AND TONS of emotional BS on a whim. You just gotta let the medicine cure you!

Hahaha

If you decide not to try it, or if you can't; I would only suggest you to not try so hard. I am talking to myself now hahaha. You can't brute force healing. Do some energetic unblockage technique, you know? Or... simply get together with a True friend. hahaha. You can find trustworthy people in shamanic ceremonies, in your local yoga studio, or a meditation group. I feel like what you need the most is unconditional love and support, you know? So that we bring your innocence back to life. Hehe. And you start to see the beauty of this world once again. I warn you: it might take a lot of time to do it without psychedelics. The results are going to be frustrating as fuck. But... they work. Just got to stay patient... Or... take some ayahuasca Hahahaha...

IDK if this helps in any way... but I felt this urge to share with you what "has helped me along my journey" (as infinite waters says).

[Natasha]

37 minutes ago, Gabriel Antonio said:

I feel like what you need the most is unconditional love and support, you know? So that we bring your innocence back to life. Hehe. And you start to see the beauty of this world once again.

@jjer94 This

[jjer94]

@Gabriel Antonio Funny you mention Ayahuasca...I was planning on doing it a year ago, but my parents won't let me (even though I'm an adult). Now in the past two months I've had three separate dreams in which I imbibed the medicine and had insights. In general, my parents don't support travel. They're very conservative and believe that the world is out to get them, that society is falling apart and that there's nothing to gain through travel other than risk. It's very dissuading, especially when I don't really have any friends to travel with, and the parents would really only let me travel if I had a friend to go with. Remember what you said about micromanaging parents, @Natasha ?

Yes, I definitely sympathize with your opinion of psychedelics. My first LSD trip was like 1000 talk therapy sessions in ten hours, and the psilocybin has been just as powerful. I see the light more and more, but with that comes supreme resistance from within and without. 

Thank you for sharing!