Fear Of People

[Ilyaa]

Hey.

I have many problems that developed through my life, and in my course of improvement I'm facing things that I cannot overcome by now, myself, it is holding my back.

I've been shy, quiet and scared all my life, as far as I can remember - to the childhood in the age of 7-8 years. I went to the school, where I've been sitting quietly, scared to talk to girls, having a few buddies to communicate, getting bullied by others. At the same time I went to art school, where I were only one boy in girls  class, so I've sit quietly for years, scared to talk to anyone. Whole my fucking life I've been scared. 

It have changed a bit in the good direction when I went to university, and then work. I feel like step by step, over the years, I get better(25 now). Now I'm able to stand for myself, talk, if other person talks to me, even pick up a chat myself, occasionally. But that fear is still sitting deep inside me, I cannot let it go. No matter what I'm telling myself.

Better get to examples.

Work. Every company I attend to, turns the same way. Colleagues firstly talk to me, trying to get to know me, calling to go for a lunch with them(I love people when they do not now me, they assume I'm normal) , but it all gets down. I cannot talk calmly, feeling like everything inside of me crumbles in fear, I cannot express my values or answer properly and freely, I answer rather meek, softly, agreeably(just leave me alone Im scared). I reject lunch offers. I reject teambuilding offers, activities, because I'm scared to go out in a company of people that I do not have connection with, because I will end up sitting in the corner, silently, not knowing how to jump into conversation. I always feel tension. I am capable somehow start to talk with person one-to-one, but companies... Have no idea how to join a conversation.

Also I attend dancing classes. Same goes there as for work. It start like this, I come to work / class / some group where I have not been before, I do not know those people, and it goes smooth for a first one-two meetings. But then by scared nature fuckes it all up. People see that I'm one anti social silent guy. I am not able to get further with people that "Hey-hey" conversation. Time passes, and in few weeks I just stand against other person, not knowing what to say except "Hey". Let's do that thing that we are here for and get over it. I feel tension, scared, awkwardness. When other people just chat up with each other, going somewhere together, I end up alone. 

I'll try to summarize it here. When time passes, no matter in which company of people I am - at work, dancing classes, etc, I feel the same. Like people know me as not confident silent guy, that rarely speaks. And I do not know how to start talking myself: I think, what do I say if I saw this person for a first time, I'd probably ask where are they from, what they like, may be chat up about some things, but this person knows that I never talk to him, so it will be weird if I will start out of the blue asking those questions in two months later(or even two years) we first met. And I feel like fear of people holds my back when I am actually talk to them. If I somehow manage to start talking, the second time we meet do not goes deeper, it is like I do not know hod to dive in the connections with people, instead just swimming at the surface(in the best case).

Most helpful thing that I found 3-4 months ago, is Leo video "How to stop giving a fuck". I watched it about 7 times, others too, but this one I found most helpful. But yet I cannot overcome my fear of people, of what they think of me. 

I am terrified of people, sometimes it is even terror, few years back I even experienced panic attacks(mostly in subway trains). I am afraid to look stranger it the eyes(to guys, not to girls) thinking that is a challenge, tension, and I do not want that. But as I am avoiding it, it makes me feel down because of avoiding. 

I am even scared to cross people walking. I so get used to getting kicked it the back at school, that I even speed up my walk to not make people slow down theirs. I am afraid at the moment when cashier will ask me to put my card for payment or will hand over my check, because if I will not react it same second...Well, I don't know, Im just scared.  

Please, help. Help me to overcome this fear. 

 

 

 

Edited July 30, 2017 by Ilyaa

[ajasatya]

@Ilyaa you're not scared of people. you're scared of yourself.

sit down quietly, close your eyes and try to explore your inner space by letting thoughts come and go and watching your breathing process.

there may be fear or some other form of emotional pain. you need to look deeply in you and search for the origin of those negative emotions. when they come up, face them until they vanish. nobody else can do it for you.

i highly recommend this book.

[Markus]

Sounds like Social Anxiety. Practical things are necessary. There's lots of techniques and practices obviously, but if I'd have to do it myself I would

1) meditate

2) contemplate the feelings that come up with regard to social situations. Visualize or remember the feeling and feel into it. What's behind it? Why are you feeling this way? Let the feeling speak to you.

These are "inner" things. There's of course also progressively exposing yourself to social situations, high volume, slow increase in intensity. Start by walking on the street and asking 10 people for the time for example, or directions to the bus stop. Then ask that, and additionally how their day is going. Look it up, there's lots of ways.

Love ya,
Markus

[faith]

Get a job as a bouncer. It worked really well for my self-consciousness.

[Visitor]

17 hours ago, Ilyaa said:

... I cannot overcome my fear of people, of what they think of me...

You are almost scaring yourself to death. Scared of your own truth. Fear of being discovered, exposed and becoming vulnerable. Your ego is freaking out. You are not so scared of looking into other peoples eyes, but terrified of them looking into your own. Scared that they might see into your soul.

The reason I say this is because I have felt the same as you.

A had a mentor, many years ago. He once stated to me: "You would think that the minimal requirement for a human being is for them to truly know themself". I said, "sure, that makes sense". Then the mentor replied. "Well, you don't". I was crest fallen, yet I knew what he said was true. It was time for me to do the hardest task in my life, and that was to become honest with myself. To expose your own fears, I had to write a fearless moral inventory of myself. It was a list of resentments and their associated fears. I had to tell them all to my mentor. The result was liberating. No more secrets, no more guilt or shame. Even most of my fears became demythicized. 

As the years passed, continuing a daily appraisal of self-honesty, fears of others judging me have vanished.

Cleaning house (soul) is an old yet proven method of liberating the fears that stop a person from becoming real, genuine, and authentic.

[Ilyaa]

Thank you, guys. I will try what you wrote. I am going to Vietnam for two weeks, afterwards hope for a fresh start at my workspace and life. I understand that it have nothing to do with place itself, but I will use this time to work on myself.

[Visitor]

@Ilyaa Good on you. When your ready, tell us how you are progressing.

[Max_V]

@Visitor Man, I'd like to have such a mentor aswell!

Totally exposing your fears and being honest seems like something I really need

[Moreira]

You describen my life. And then we rationalize people see me as the quiet guy who never talks, if I talk now people will think I'm weird.

The trick is forget the quiet guy tag that others put to you and that is limiting you. Meet new people from zero, the first day make an effort and talk a lot. It will be exhausting but the next days socializing will become effortless.