I've Just Figured Out I'm A Narcissist.. Need Your Help!

[Serge]

Hello, community!

As I'd started practicing awareness and mindfulness I learned more and more about myself. I'd figured out lots of thoughts "accompanying" my actions, thus leading to figuring out my motivations for doing those actions.

I plan to become a musician (or, in any case, I did). Sometimes, before I go to sleep, I practice piano for half an hour as a form of meditation. A couple of days ago, during one of those sessions I was very mindful about my thoughts and I noticed that lots of times when I played something "awesome", an image of someone I know complimenting me or praising me would've appeared in my head. The next day I've decided to see why am I motivated to be a musician. What drives me to pursue this path? So I grabbed my guitar and started singing, but trying to be very aware of what was going on in my head. As I was playing, images like friends talking about how great I am at this, people giving their attention to me would pop up in my head. I became some kind of shocked and scared. 

Then I found out that it doesn't happen just during my musical practice. I would imagine how people would appreciate my body if I worked out hard, how they would tell me how good of a person I am if I helped someone. I realized that I am seeking for attention and praise (and there's no reason to say how I feel when it doesn't happen). I realized that lots of times when I did something good for another person, I was driven by "growing" in front of their eyes. So I concluded that I lack true empathy.

 

I feel that there is a "getting over" this problem, because I don't behave "narcissistic" ALL THE TIME. There are, though not often, moments in my life when I am practicing music and feeling something special about it, working out for the sake of passion, experiencing unconditioned love for people. Those moments are very very rare, but their existence gives me hope to make them dominate my life.

Now, as I've realized what most of my motivations are grounded in I feel destroyed. I don't genuinely want to pursue my musical path, I'm not interested in talking to people, I don't want to do anything but maintain my vital processes and make enough money to do so. I feel that I lack TRUE life purpose.

As I am currently researching this "personaity disorder" I would also really appreciate to hear your thoughts about my situation.

 

 

P.S. Hopefully, that's just me going through a process I had to go through, to start living from a blank sheet, but writing true, grounded words on it.

 

Edited July 29, 2017 by Serge

[Voyager]

I was playing piano the other day and it was really, really enjoyable, relaxing and meditative. I know how the experience can feel. If you get that from music, don't let your motivations halt you in your tracks. We all have a mixture of positive and negative motivations when we are pursuing goals. Over time your positive motivations will blossom if you are mindful about the situation. I've performed in front of a crowd and had applause and I enjoyed it, but I didn't need it. Make the applause and compliments real, instead of imaginary.  Play for the love of expressing beautiful music in the world. 

[Serge]

@Voyager The problem is, I don't know how to feel that. I know that lots of people say that they feel something relaxing, pleasant when practicing or performing. I don't. Or I do, but very very rarely. Most of the times it's just images of "good job" and "wow"

[Spiral]

If you are not enjoying the experience your to focused on the overall song and thinking about other things. Try slowing down and focus on each tone individually instead.  

[Visitor]

@Serge I think your just becoming more aware of your own ego's need for validation. Perhaps you are just being more honest with yourself than you ever have been and it has disturbed you ideal self. 

A narcissist is more likely to believe they are important and expect admiration or due attention above all else/persons. They don't see themselves with a problem, and because of this they do not seek help.

If anything, I think you are becoming more aware of self, and this is important for self-improvement.

 

[Serge]

@Visitor perhaps.. But as soon as I've realized those things about me, you know.. that was (maybe still is) my motivation to do most of the stuff I do. And now, as I notice that I am driven mostly just by the desire to be approved/praised I.. I don't want it (don't know why). And as a result I find no purpose in life. How do I build it?

[Vladimir]

36 minutes ago, Serge said:

@Visitor perhaps.. But as soon as I've realized those things about me, you know.. that was (maybe still is) my motivation to do most of the stuff I do. And now, as I notice that I am driven mostly just by the desire to be approved/praised I.. I don't want it (don't know why). And as a result I find no purpose in life. How do I build it?

How about happiness as your new life purpose? As far as career choice, Leo's got the life purpose course, so you can try that.

[Serge]

@Wormon Blatburm I think it's much worse in my case. If you would've told me right now that someone I know died, I wouldn't feel any pain. And now when I think about my behaviour in the past, I can recall lots of situations where I behave very self-centeredly.

1 hour ago, Wormon Blatburm said:

Calm down man, everyone has some narcissist traits (unless you are Jesus or the buddha) but it doesn't mean you have something to worry about. Also what you mentioned is seeking approval from others, almost every on does that, it's just a part of human nature and our social hierarchy 

Probably, but THAT being my BIGGEST motivation for so many activities? It's so hollow, empty and unworthy.

 

@Vladimir At this point, Volodya  , I don't even know what happiness is. If all along the way it was this "approval seeking", then I don't want it. The most interesting thing is that I don't really know why I don't want it. You know, it made me feel good up until lately and now, that I've become aware of it - I just don't want it. I'm not sure, but I suspect it's because it's somehow unfulfilling and I (somehow again) believe that there's a more fulfilling alternative.

Edited July 29, 2017 by Serge

[Serge]

@Wormon Blatburm that's exactly what I've found out a couple of hours ago through a bit of research. The term probably doesn't fully apply to me, but I definitely suffer from a big chunk of it's "symptoms".

I would really appreciate if someone would advise me any solutions (Exercises, books, articles - anything. I really want to understand this issue better. Why I have it, how does it influence my life, is it worth having it?)

Edited July 29, 2017 by Serge

[Guest Annetta]

Dialectical behavior therapy is most suitable for personality disorders.

I have the same issues and it is from bpd and codependency.  Narcissists don't inquire about themselves.  However, if someone you knew died and you didn't care, it is something to bring up with a therapist.  Might be depression. 

Amazon has Dbt workbooks and YouTube has a lot of info on how to use the practices.

Edited July 29, 2017 by Annetta

[Visitor]

8 hours ago, Serge said:

@Visitor perhaps.. But as soon as I've realized those things about me, you know.. that was (maybe still is) my motivation to do most of the stuff I do. And now, as I notice that I am driven mostly just by the desire to be approved/praised I.. I don't want it (don't know why). And as a result I find no purpose in life. How do I build it?

I can relate to that very much.

The reason why you don't want it is because you know that the praise you would get was not genuine, but paid for by lots of hard work. Much like showing a lot of love to someone just to get love back. And when you get it, deep down you know it is not unconditional. So the idea is to start focusing on being a genuine authentic you, be being honest with yourself, just as you are doing right now.

They say that the truth hurts, but it really is loving, for it sets you free. It is the ego which hates its truth that feels hurtful.

How to build your LP? Why not start building it on truth, just as you are already doing. Then your LP will be genuine and truly authentic. 

 

[Serge]

@Annetta thank you very much. I've just read briefly about this and I think it will help me. 

 

@Visitor
"And when you get it, deep down you know it is not unconditional."

That's exactly how I feel about it. I feel like it's forced and empty. It's like I want to get that really bad, but when I get it I'm not satisfied. 

I'll keep being mindful and honest with myself. Hopefully I'll find some "replacement" for those narcissistic traits.