Alex's Relationship With The Whole World Including Himself.

[AlexB]

Day one of my journal.

Let's take a look on what my past offered me until this present day. 

I was born in Romania, my mother's parents were in the upper middle class in society, my father's family I don't know nothing. 

I was born out of a neurotic love between a woman who had too much faith in men and a father that would always get into trouble. 

They divorced when I was about 3 years and some of the traumatic things that I lived in my early childhood I oddly remember. Things such as staying awake walking around the house at night crying for my mom because she was always at work, seeing my father bring other women at home. Finding the furniture missing when my father decided to sell everything and disappear with the money.

That didn't affect me much at the time because I was a little baby, nothing a nice cup of milk with nesquick couldn't fix

My grandparent bought a new house and that's where I made my first friends and lived a pretty decent life without a father, but after my mother also decided to move away in another country to find a better job. 

So I got raised by my aunt. Wich is a person that suffered a terrible depression, was always angry and violent. 

Growing up without a mother or father and a depressed aunt was starting to affect me only when I was seeing all of my friends parents and I was starting to have a need for a mother and a father example. 

But nonetheless I was still pretty happy, the thing is that the more I was growing the more needs I was developing of having a family. 

When I came to live in Italy in mid teens with my mother and her husband it looked great. "finally I have my family now" I couldn't possibly immagine the dysfunctional place I was getting myself into.

My mother was a victim of her husband, who had drug and alcohol addiction and also some screws loose.

Well fuck me right? Ahahaha 

After years of mental terrorism by that narcisist man of hers and living the brutal disfunctionality I ultimately became a victim also. 

Lost al of my friends and my girlfriend everybody. 

The only thing I kept having was this neurotic disfunctional relationship with a beautiful girl, and we kept on getting tougher and dump eachother, of course I was playing the victim, I couldn't know better right? Wrong! 

When I got into personal development it was like a dive in the warm ocean on a sunny day. Happiness!!

All my demons started to die, one after the other. That also made me become a rebel and got kicked out from my mother's narcissistic husband.

I had only one euro and a couple of luggages. I found a decent job and rented a house and with the euro I bought a toothbrush, you can't go at a job interview with a stinky smell coming out of your mouth  (and I still have that toothbrush as a memory) 

Most of my struggles have passed, I have many friends and girls like me. 

When I got my game together and built my ego I became strong like a mountain. Maby too strong. 

I got back with the girl I mentioned,but this time instead of being her victim I became the fighter in the relationship. 

Nice pattern there in the relationship hah? 

I got out of the relationship for the 7 th time I think and I plan in ending it for good. 

My goals are to never get back with that person ever again not because she is a bad person,but actually good and loving, but with her own patterns of family trauma; fix all my patterns and keep actualizing, and this will be were I will publish all my results

 

Edited February 18, 2016 by AlexB

[Zephyr]

@AlexB very nice. Very smooth. Good luck with the rest of the journey.^_^

[AlexB]

First day back at gym, releasing some endorphins and spring starts coming here in Italy so it puts me in a very nice mood.

Started to stop fighting with my Patterns and started accepting them. Starting to learn how to fully feel the emotional pain and finally I'm passing to the next level in my actualization journey. All the bandages are starting to wear of and to cure the right way. 

It's still hard to get control over my patterns because they are buried very deep inside me but at least all the work I have done helps me to see them and work them out of my system. 

Right now my work and my friends and my own self are the top priorities! 

Keep actualizing ✌ 

[misko55]

Wow and I thought I had it tough. Keep it up man , very impressed with that 1€ thing. I feel miserable at my job and thing about changing it , but keep thinking about  the cost despite the fact I have saved a lot , still have cash from my work on a cruise ship and supporting parents so really , kudos for that. Real brave stuff.

[AlexB]

It brings a smile on my face everytime I think about how I got here the fact is I'm passing the same thing with my job now, it sucks too much time and energy away. I feel like changing my job too but first there is more experience to gain in the field plus the bills won't pay themselves ahahah

If you have the freedom of choice I'd say go look for another job. If you have to pass you're whole day at work let it at least be in a place you enjoy

[misko55]

Thank you for the kind words! Yes I decided to change my job, I'm there throughout the whole day and the best part of the day passes by.And I agree with you to sticking out until you get the experience but I feel I got everything I can from there and it´s time to move on.Well I wish you lot of luck with your job situation but you know what! I think we both learned by now that we are resourceful , don't you?

Well I´ll find out as I will keep reading your journal

[AlexB]

Thank you! Infact limiting beliefs are not part of us here on this forum

[AlexB]

Update. 

Several weeks had passed since the last update, very hard ones with ups and downs.Relationships really fuck your mind up when you're attached. 

Now the state of peace and of no neurosis starts coming back after being able to constantly record to myself that reality is what it is and that is not me that suffers but my lack of acceptance of the present moment. 

Today I feel highly present and in contact with the now, wich means that I'm getting back in my stronger version as I used to be and grow even stronger. 

From suffering everyone gains new added strength and evolution. 

The rain starts ending and the clouds start going away, after I remembered to close my eyes and to watch myself. 

Peace ✌ 

Edited April 30, 2016 by AlexB