Confused

[TRUTH_SEEKER]

Hi everyone,

We are a LGBT couple and been in a relationship for 8 months now, and we've been going through a weird phase of too many fights and frictions.

He was picking on small things that I do (or don't do) and the way he delivered his unsatisfaction to me was always rude or too critical (I told him I could listen better if he changed the way he did it, otherwise I'd be defensive). Trying to have an adult conversation was almost impossible, since he goes through mood swings and we ended up breaking up, because at some point I also lost my patience and gave him attitude back. The breakup lasted only a week, but since we got back I feel like I've lost my patience and changed my perspective about the relationship: my thoughts now are all switched to negative, I've been less patient, overly annoyed at everything about him and also very jealous in many situations. It feels like his excessive demands over me, combined with my unsuccesful trials of communication before breaking up got me feeling insecure in this relationship. I now feel like I'm not enough for him and also question his friendship towards me, because he treated me with sarcasm while I was trying to have an adult conversation.

On top of that, I already have trust issues and a tendency to become too jealous, ending up self-sabotaging my relationships.

I'm kinda confused with my life. Toughts anyone?

[Michael569]

It appears that how you a nice example of Co-dependent relationship going on there. You feel like you cannot live without each other because your breakup lasted so little but you suffer when living together. A mature growth in both of you is required to sustain this however terminating the relationship might be a viable idea considering what you say about him. You can only work on yourself, you cannot change other people unless you set an example.

Here are few advice for you that could potentially help: Most of those come from Stephen Covey's 7 habits. 

1. Don't look for a quick fix.
The problems you are having are results of years of mindset building, cultural influence and background, one does not change that in a week. Be prepared for some serious growth or be prepared to suffer until the end of your life,. 

2. Realise that whatever happens is your responsibility.
Be it what you do and be it how you react to his behaviour. If you don't like his behaviour, leave him and never look back. Never be a victim, always be a proactive person. You know you can achieve everything you want if you put your mind and time into it. 

3. Become comfortable with being single before getting into a relationship.
Seek out at least 30 minutes of solitude throughout the day, meditate, think, observe nature, whatever feels natural. 

4. Work on building your "Emotional Bank Account".
This pretty much works same way as usual Bank account. You spend too much, you end up with overdraw. Emotional Account works as mutual trust and takes years to buildup only to be ruined by a single wrongdoing. If you want to make peace with your partner, start donating small gestures of good will to build up trust and more area for communication. From what I read your mutual Emotional Account is below 0. You have no trust for each other and both are extremely defensive and egotistic. 

5. Become a really good listener and seek to understand.
Here I don't mean hearing. I mean listening emphatically with the intention to understand. Notice how when he speaks you are probably getting angry already, preparing your response. Instead, slow down and stop thinking , just listen to what he says. Listen to his voice but also to his body language. There is a message hidden in there but you probably fail to see it. Really genuinely try to understand him, understand where he is coming from. We all have certain mechanics of behaviour, once you get that, it will be easier. 

6. And finally,work to Synergize, to Win/Win. 
It is not about "I want to feel good in this relationship". It is about, having a mutually prosperous partnership that stems from understanding, compassion, honesty and integrity. You are a team of 2 different personality characters that have decided to cooperate, always look to understand the other side and work towards mutual benefit.  If your motives are things like good sex and not being alone, you will suffer endlessly. 

Bonus: 
This is something I never realised until reading "Road Less Travelled". It's about the feeling of falling in love. We perceive it as a magical feeling and spend soooo much time chasing it once we feel it is going away. This however a pure fictional bullshit. 

True love is a conscious decision to nurture the spiritual growth of self an other person. The "in love " feeling is a sexual attraction that comes from human evolution and its prime directive is to support reproduction. That's it. The Hollywood love story is a bunch of horse crap. So realise that even if you do not "feel for each other" like you used to, it is because you haven't worked on the relationship, and not that this godly power has left you

Good luck !

 

Edited July 26, 2017 by Michael569
wording

[ajasatya]

@TRUTH_SEEKER from my experience, even though i'm heterosexual, there's no way other than learning how to be alone and becoming free from emotional dependencies. solitude is the strongest ally.

ALL of your relationship problems come from your fear to be alone. grow up.

Edited July 28, 2017 by ajasatya