Realization I Had That Is Not Comfortable

[Mulky]

So today while going into home depot to buy some stuff to work on my house, I realized, I have learned so many things in my life, and they are all pointless, and a distraction.  I don't mean learning about yourself or life, I mean learning skills to navigate a lifestyle I have come to feel maybe I shouldn't even be living.  Let me explain.  When I was about 7, I started to notice i had activities planned, things to do tomorrow, etc.  Looking back I now realize this was the first time I felt out of the moment, and I knew something was wrong.  My young mind explored itself quickly for escape, and almost immediately the solution popped into my mind. I pictured myself sitting cross legged in the wilderness, having the sense I would be there forever and not move at all.  I then actually considered it, but for some reason decided not to. 

I forgot about that entire experience until I was 30, and only then did I find out about enlightenment and meditation.  After learning some that memory came back,  and considered it again, but was always tied down by something.  Now I am 38 and although I have had long periods of time in states of deep peace, suffering and ego comes back often, in fact in some way the ego is almost always there, besides small little pockets.  Now as my job becomes more hectic and I find myself compromising my path to make a living, I wonder, did I miss my calling.  was I supposed to leave and do that when I was a kid.   I feel like besides spiritual practice almost everything in my life has been pointless and not rewarding at all, in fact harmful to me and other people.  Was my whole life just wasted time up until this point?  I know only now matters but still I must admit this bothers me a bit, and anyones advice or guidance or comfort even on this would be appreciated.

[Natasha]

@Mulky This will help put things in better perspective

 

[Joseph Maynor]

@Natasha I think every answer a person could seek is contained in the existing Forum posts.  

[Ananta]

4 hours ago, Mulky said:

Was my whole life just wasted time up until this point?

This seems to be the crux of your post. Suffering leads one to find a solution out of suffering. First, one tries to not suffer by finding worldly happiness in chasing objects (success, money, sex, power fame, ect).

When you realize that these don't suffice, then the search is on! If you come across spiritual teachings and get hooked, you become a spiritual seeker and the story goes... 

Point being, it's generally the suffering that keeps reawakening someone to the spiritual path or is the initial awakener. So, no your life hasn't been a waste, it's gotten you to where you are right now. Which is to end your suffering. 

This doesn't mean the circumstances of your life will or need to change. It's the identification of who you've been thinking you are, that needs to change, to who you really are.

Anyways, don't think of the past as a mistake. There are no mistakes. Most don't start seeking without some amount of suffering, it's the great awakener, therefore a gift.

[Leo Gura]

@Mulky Life is pointless. So enjoy the shit out of it while you can. That's the key.

[Lynnel]

@Mulky Basically go read peter Ralston but meaning comes after being. 

Meaning is simply a function of the mind used for self-survival.

ANY meaning is conceptual and applied to reality.

There is no inherent meaning and the only meaning that is, is the one created by the self in relation to the environment to promote self-survival.

[Mulky]

Thanks for all the advice from Leo and everyone else, don't have much else to say about it at the moment, but I do appreciate it.