Rosie's Past, Present And Future

[Rosie]

Hi All,

I've decided that I will start to do this journal, be completely honest to you and to my self and improve my life and future.

Let's start with my past

I've born in 1991, in Hungary. If I would want I could go on and on about my background but I've decided that Instead of being the victim, I will simply share the details what I find important points in life.

I had 2 brothers and one sister growing up. My dad was working in bioenergy, therefore we had to move on a yearly basis from country to country depending on where he had to build out possibilities. We were moving around till I was about 14 years old.  That means that I never been able to build real friendships, relationships. My family was my everything. As soon as we stopped moving around my parents divorced, and had a very ugly divorce as my mum had a narcissist, manipulative personality which was present since I can remember, slowly ruining my dad and the rest of my family with it. When they divorced I decided to stay with my dad, as we had a very strong relationship, and could not bear my mum's personality. After they divorced i started constant lying about my parents and life in the new environment. Small unimportant and sometimes bigger even huge lies, and mostly I believed in them. Once again I destroyed my relationships, could not hold on to friends.
Big turn was in my life when 3 years ago I tried to sort my problems with my mum, the same day we had huge car crash, all my brothers, sister and um passed away and I survived thanks for the seatbelt. After 2 weeks, I realised that my life can't continue as it was before. ( I already finished 2 university degrees by this time) And Applied for a job on a huge cruise liner. A year later while I was working on the ship, my dad got a heart attack and died as well. Could not even go to his funeral because I was afraid to face with it alone. My parents were single kids both and because of the lifestyle we did not have too strong relations with people in general.

Today
After a my dad passed away a couple of months, I started a relationship with a nice guy on the ship. I thought I am cured from my depression as I developed an addict to my job. Of course I messed up the relationship as I needed all the time feedback and love to replace my family. At the same time I was really lovely to the guy, so I think we actually both messed up. I have serious fear of commitment, I am lazy and I have Internet and Tv series addiction, also porn addiction. Sometimes I do not do anything active during a day ( known my vacation so I do not have to work) At the same time when I am on board I work harder and better than any of my colleagues. I keep promising things to myself what I never keep. I am unsure If I became now addicted on loosing weight. I am 60 kilos, with 160 cm but I only eat specific foods and only once day even if I am starving. I completely stopped lying to myself and my environment since I am working on the ship

Goals

Let the past and the pain of the past go
Updating this journal on a daily basis, till I go back to the ship, then update it on weekly basis
Start to work out on daily basis
Enjoy my free time without computer, technic and TV series
Quit my porn addiction as it promotes creates an unhealthy picture of sex and makes real sex less enjoyable.
Start to visualise my future goals and create goals what I can achieve
Read more books on self-actualisation.

 

Please feel free to comment or advice me:)
 

 

[kalter000]

Wow, you really had a harsh background. And in spite all of it, you still seem positive, looking forward to improve your life and self actualise- this is inspiring 

Wish you luck and patience! I'll definitely try to follow along your journey 

[Rosie]

My general goals:
Let the past and the pain of the past go
Updating this journal on a daily basis, till I go back to the ship, then update it on weekly basis
Start to work out on daily basis
Enjoy my free time without computer, technic and TV series
Quit my porn addiction as it promotes creates an unhealthy picture of sex and makes real sex less enjoyable.
Start to visualise my future goals and create goals what I can achieve
Read more books on self-actualisation.

Daily Goals
Wake up at latest 10 am--> failed, woke up at 11.05 without an alarm as I snoozed my alarm at 9.45. Funny thing is that I never have trouble waking up on time, when I must work. But now that it's about my free time i am failing. Will try again tomorrow.
Workout--> had no time for general meaning of work out, but I was out of my bed right after I woke up and I was in the city strictly walking between 1pm to 6 pm. No sitting just walking around 
Taking care of my body--> right after I woke up, I put on a hair mask, had a long and relaxing bath, and dried my hair. Usually I fail to do all of these things. I am too lazy for these things. Quick shower and letting my hair to just dry by the air, which makes it fizzy and ugly and it annoys me hell of a lot. I also bought today some face masks.
To read self-help books--> bought 2 psychology books. One about how to reach happiness and one about negative habits and addictions. 
To replace my addiction with something what actually helps me--> I bought a book in english which is obviously not my first language. Life of Pi, also Did not use internet between 12.30pm and 7.pm at all, and till 8 pm hardly at all. Did not watch series or porn all day.
Socialise with people.--> was spending my whole day with my stepmom without watching my phone. I was talking and listening to her. Also I offered this morning on Couchsurfing random help for random people, who are coming to my city to see if they want me to show them around. Also I created A public trip in my city so others know I am here and have not much friends, so I am happy to hang out with anyone.
Do not contact my ex.--> did not contact him at all over a week ago and even then he contacted me and I just simply answered.
Eat healthy--> had a  huge veggie gyros what I made from cauliflower with fresh veggies. Prior to that I had a couple of hours that a deep fried thing, but only half of it. I usually do not eat unhealthy stuff at all, so I think it's good that i moved out from my own comfort zone. Im obsessed with being healthy so I take it as it was a good thing. During dinner I had a glass of whiskey coke as me and my dad used to drink together this and my stepmom tried to surprise me with it. Had no heart to say no for it. 
Have vitamins and herbal teas through the day -->done

 

All in all I feel that my day was successful. Tomorrow is weekend let's see if I can keep it up.
 

 

[Guest]

You go girl! Keep it up!  enjoy your weekend today and tomorrow

[Rosie]

My general goals:
Let the past and the pain of the past go
Updating this journal on a daily basis, till I go back to the ship, then update it on weekly basis
Start to work out on daily basis
Enjoy my free time without computer, technic and TV series
Quit my porn addiction as it promotes creates an unhealthy picture of sex and makes real sex less enjoyable.
Start to visualise my future goals and create goals what I can achieve
Read more books on self-actualisation.

Daily Goals
Wake up at latest 10 am--> Absolutely failed. Yesterday i could not relax my mind till about 3 am any no matter what I tried I could not fall asleep. I tried lemongrass tea and camomile  and even sleep hypnosis but nothing helped. Also I am pretty sick the last couple of weeks. Today I only got worse. I woke up at 11.30... I really do not get why I can not sleep and wake up. On the ship I never have these issues.
Workout--> Failed. I had massive fever, head ache and could not stop coughing all day. My head is killing me....
Taking care of my body--> As soon I woke up, I got out of bed, made my hear and instead of homie, comfy clothed I dressed up as I was leaving the house. It made me feel much better
To read self-help books-->I watched a few self help videos, but kept falling asleep. Had issues on concentrating on anything today.
To replace my addiction with something what actually helps me--> I downloaded educational apps on my phone and instead of Facebook I used those. I did 3 times as much on duelling as the daily ultimate target and I started to learn data analysis.
Socialise with people.--> I wrote to 3 girls who wrote online in a woman magazine that they are looking for  friends in my area. Tomorrow I should meet with one of the girls for a movie and lunch. One of my older friends asked me out on a date... He thinks I am an amazing girl... Let's see how will that work out. He is a bit moody and has a difficult personality, so I do not think i should go down on that path just to get a date...
Do not contact my ex.--> Did not, but could not stop thinking about him and I feel depressed all day. I miss him but did not contact him all day.
Eat healthy--> I had a big bowl of fresh garden vegetable soup what I made, and I made a diff from some potato, zucchini, mushroom and broccoli. Fully vegan meal. After dinner my stepmom made an extremely sweet pancake cake, with chocolate sauce. I ate a tiny bit from it to not hurt her feeling but my tooth wrenching after it was so sweet. I do not like sweet stuff. The end of the day I eat only once a day so this should be okay.
Have vitamins and herbal teas through the day -->done

In other news. I did not watch porn for a few days now...I do not miss it much, I guess was not that addicted. Also on ship i can never watch so this is not too big of a challenge. No porn no fap is fine by me as it turns out.

I know today was not turning out so perfect, but I am sick and I am afraid if I pressure myself doing things when I have fever and i am weak then it will backfire on me.

I started no social media month but this seems to backfire a bit as well as I ended up watching more series.... But it might be because I could not do much more. I try to keep myself occupied, but obviously I need much much more improvement.

[Guest]

You seem to struggle because you maybe take too much change at once. Relax  Take baby steps.

Where are you cruising around? if you ever stop by in germany(especially in south germany), give me a call so maybe we can meet up  I love meeting like mindet people who are on the same path as me

[Rosie]

@The Alchemist I am basically your neighbour ( netherlands) i am planning to make a small trip, any day now somewhere so meeting up would never be a problem. Also My ship is staying in June about 3 weeks straight in Hamburg. Easy to meet up:)

And not sure if the too much is the trouble. I rather feel that this goddamn coughing is the real issue

[Rosie]

My general goals:
Let the past and the pain of the past go- visited my parents in the cemetery and said it out loud that i forgive them. This made me feel better.
Updating this journal on a daily basis, till I go back to the ship, then update it on weekly basis
Start to work out on daily basis
Enjoy my free time without computer, technic and TV series
Quit my porn addiction as it promotes creates an unhealthy picture of sex and makes real sex less enjoyable.
Start to visualise my future goals and create goals what I can achieve spent a good amount of time on this today
Read more books on self-actualisation.

Daily Goals
Wake up at latest 10 am--> I did not plan to do this today as I am sick, I woke up around 2 pm which is weird as I am never able to sleep so long. When I woke up i felt much better, had no fever and my cough was almost totally gone. I think maybe I needed this extra rest. I feel so so so much better today
Workout--> I walked a lot today and i did a few sessions planking, sit ups and other exercises. Not too much but more than nothing.
Taking care of my body--> As soon as I woke up, i had a bath put myself together to go out and just now i put on a facemark. I plan to give myself a manicure and pedicure this evening.
To read self-help books--> plan to do later on tonight. I had a busy day.
Socialise with people.-->A friend of mine called to complain a bit about his life. I met with him and did something unusual. I listened and did not judge. I tried to give him useful advices, and tried to work as a life coach instead of a friend. After this we went for a movie. The movie was just a simple minded comedy still it was nice that someone needs me.
Do not contact my ex.--> did not contact him at all but thinking of him too much. I will watch again Leo's how to get over a break up video. I need to hear: DO NOT GET BACK TOGETHER WITH YOU EX sentence a couple of more times.
Eat healthy--> I only had a healthy soup and an unsweetened coffee today. Maybe I should make something.
Have vitamins and herbal teas through the day -->done

 

I had a good day, and made plenty of plans for tomorrow. I feel that I am becoming much more productive and positive. I am getting out from this damp. I feel so much better that now my illness seems to be gone a bit.
Next week I plan to go for a trip.
The friend who asked me out yesterday went on and on all night that he has feelings for me. I do not know how to handle the situation. I told him I do not feel the same way. Today he wrote me a message: 'I want you babe" what should I do with this???

[Rosie]

A small note before it goes out of my mind:
This morning I had a bath after I woke up. When I started to change i stepped in front of my closet to chose a shirt and as I have a mirror on my closet I have seen myself without makeup, in just a simple underwear, nothing lacey or silk or fancy. Did not even match the bra and the panties, but for a minute I realised how sexy I am. My diet seems to work, I have no celluitis, have not much extra weight at all 1-2 kilos but that's rather for myself than actual issue, I look healthy and extremely hot. I have a very nice ass. 
In 25 years since I live, I always had problems with my body or face or all together and never been happy about it up until today. Today I looked it and for that minute I realised if this body would be in a magazine then no one would complain. Of course you could photoshop it to be paper perfect, But at the moment I am damn pleased with my self.
After that moment I started to find small imperfections but then I realised as well, that I am the one who is LOOKING and seeking for a problem. The problem does not exist up until I look for it and find it. That also means that the only person can create a problem is me.
Something to think about today...

[Rosie]

My general goals: I did very very good today
Let the past and the pain of the past go
Updating this journal on a daily basis, till I go back to the ship, then update it on weekly basis
Start to work out on daily basis
Enjoy my free time without computer, technic and TV series
Quit my porn addiction as it promotes creates an unhealthy picture of sex and makes real sex less enjoyable.
Start to visualise my future goals and create goals what I can achieve
Read more books on self-actualisation.

Daily Goals
Wake up at latest 10 am--> DONE, woke up around 9 to be exact
Workout-->DONE + an hour walk in the city..
Taking care of my body--> As soon I woke up, I got out of bed, made my hair , put mask on, nice makeup and left the house
To read self-help books-->I watched videos, read books, did everything
Socialise with people.--> Done, meeting new people this week ad socialised with stepmom.
Do not contact my ex.--> Did not, he is a dickhead in fact. was luckier to have me, than i was to have him. just realised it today.
Eat healthy--> Big tomato soup, and chinese food. all made by Rosie
Vitamines--> done

Very productive day today....

[Rosie]

My general goals: I did very very good today
Let the past and the pain of the past go
Updating this journal on a daily basis, till I go back to the ship, then update it on weekly basis
Start to work out on daily basis
Enjoy my free time without computer, technic and TV series
Quit my porn addiction as it promotes creates an unhealthy picture of sex and makes real sex less enjoyable.
Start to visualise my future goals and create goals what I can achieve
Read more books on self-actualisation.

Daily Goals
Wake up at latest 10 am--> DONE, woke up around 9.45
Workout-->did some body weight training
Taking care of my body--> I had a relaxing day. I need to find an amazing hairdresser to give myself a super sexy haircut.
To read self-help books-->I watched videos, read books, I was concentrating on relationships today.
Socialise with people.--> Planning a road trip in germany next week:) I am very excited about it..
Eat healthy-->Vegetarian Chili by me. I did not have take out food in weeks.
Vitamines--> done

I took my ex off from the list as HE is not a moving point anymore. I want to learn about relationships, but I do not want him back, I want to be so so much better for myself, for my mental and physical health, because this life is only about me, and I am the only one who can benefit from this journey.
Today I also watched the new video from Leo, I need some time and more documentation on digesting it. Hopefully I will get to that level:)

Edited February 23, 2016 by Rosie

[Rosie]

My general goals: I did very very good today
Let the past and the pain of the past go
Updating this journal on a daily basis, till I go back to the ship, then update it on weekly basis
Start to work out on daily basis
Enjoy my free time without computer, technic and TV series
Quit my porn addiction as it promotes creates an unhealthy picture of sex and makes real sex less enjoyable.
Start to visualise my future goals and create goals what I can achieve
Read more books on self-actualisation.

Daily Goals
Wake up at latest 10 am--> DONE, woke up at 7.00am
Workout-->walking for about 2 hours, also tomorrow going to gym. 
Taking care of my body--> Looooong relaxing bath:)
To read self-help books-->I watched videos, read books, I was concentrating on relationships today.
Socialise with people.--> Planning a road trip in germany next week:) I am very excited about it.. spent time with stepmom.
Eat healthy-->Salad and soup a la me:) I bought some extra fat burner in BIOTECH USA. And some vegan Rice protein powder to keep my protein levels on good level.
Vitamines--> done

I had a date today. I am pretty crap at dating as my only 2 first dates turned out to be long term relationship. Now that I am single I've decided to go on as many dates as possible to gain experience, and gain to learn to say no, yes and to learn about relationships in total. The dat was awful. The guy went on and on and on about his porsche he picked me up with. It was awful. I was rude, and asked him to take me home. Still after he kept messaging me that he had the best time and I'm such a pretty girl. Horrible experience but at least I can learn how to say no.

[Guest]

@Rosie An experience is an experience. You can call it horrible...or you can call it usefull...

[Rosie]

@The Alchemist or i can call it both.

[misko55]

Wow I just read your journal from the start till the end and you can see improvements , you were failing at first and now you are getting better , we have similar goals, so this inspired me a little , keep it up!

But I would like to ask you about the ship , is that long term job ,a career?Because I wouldn't recommend it personally. It's a great experience for sure but those working hours are going to mask your problems , no time to thing!And I say that as an ex Carnival Cruise lines employee so I´m not a babalu  on this subject.

Keep working girl , good luck and without bad dates you won't be able to recognize good ones!!

[Rosie]

i speak every day about my meal choices so I decided to share my meal today. I pointed out several times that I only eat one meal a day so here is what i ate today: greenbean soup with garlic, chili,lemon and coconut milk . maincourse was: salad from carrots, purple cabbage, iceberg lettuce, grilled crougettes and an omlet made from egg whites. I put some farm cheese on top. i could not even finish the salad... i need to still have one rice protein shake...

 

[Rosie]

My general goals: 
Let the past and the pain of the past go
Updating this journal on a daily basis, till I go back to the ship, then update it on weekly basis
Start to work out on daily basis
Enjoy my free time without computer, technic and TV series
Quit my porn addiction as it promotes creates an unhealthy picture of sex and makes real sex less enjoyable.
Start to visualise my future goals and create goals what I can achieve
Read more books on self-actualisation.

Daily Goals
Wake up at latest 10 am--> Done again.
Workout-->Long run:). 
Taking care of my body--> Looooong relaxing bath, face and hair mask with a glass of wine.
To read self-help books-->I'm interested in reading Matthew Hussey's book: Get the guy, I was watching leo's videos and looked for psychological books.
Socialise with people.-->Sort of done it, also I should have an another date this weekend.
Eat healthy-->Salad and soup a la me:) I bought some extra fat burner in BIOTECH USA. And some vegan Rice protein powder to keep my protein levels on good level.
Vitamins--> done

I Feel as i am ready to extend my list but I am unsure on what should I include.  any ideas? This is not really satisfying anymore as it seems easy to achieve. I should raise my own bet.
I was thinking a lot about relationships... and Enlightenment and human connections in general. What is beauty? I'm looking for so many answers... so so so many answers.

[Guest]

You could pack your whole day with mind work  Just a few ideas:

• meditation: makes your brain stronger, relaxes you, quiets the mind a bit, releases stress, can lead to massive insights! You can also meditate on chakras or do some guided meditation
• Visualisation: realize your goals and reprogramm your subcoscious mind!
• affirmations: the same, frees the way for success in career and personal development!
• contemplation: enlightenment work. find out what or who you really are!

[Rosie]

Just now, The Alchemist said:

You could pack your whole day with mind work  Just a few ideas:

• meditation: makes your brain stronger, relaxes you, quiets the mind a bit, releases stress, can lead to massive insights! You can also meditate on chakras or do some guided meditation
• Visualisation: realize your goals and reprogramm your subcoscious mind!
• affirmations: the same, frees the way for success in career and personal development!
• contemplation: enlightenment work. find out what or who you really are!

My main issue that i am a goal driven person. I do all this without it would be necessary to put it on the list. I take it as necessary as drinking water or eating..... 

[Rosie]

My general goals: 
Let the past and the pain of the past go
Updating this journal on a daily basis, till I go back to the ship, then update it on weekly basis
Start to work out on daily basis
Enjoy my free time without computer, technic and TV series
Quit my porn addiction as it promotes creates an unhealthy picture of sex and makes real sex less enjoyable.
Start to visualise my future goals and create goals what I can achieve
Read more books on self-actualisation.

Daily Goals
Wake up at latest 10 am--> Done again.
Workout-->Yoga
Taking care of my body--> done
To read self-help books-->I'm interested in reading Matthew Hussey's book: Get the guy, I was watching leo's videos and looked for psychological books.
Socialise with people.-->i have 2 dates tomorrow:)
Eat healthy-->done
Vitamins--> done