Fearing That Self-actualization Work Is Subtly Backfiring

[Space Coyote]

So…as the title says anyone have any experience with this feeling. How do you deal with it? How do you tell if there is legitimate fear hear or just False Evidence Appearing Real?

My Story (feel free to skip and answer the general question if you wish btw):

Over the past year I’ve accomplished a decent amount: Established better eating and exercise habits (I’ve dropped pant size from 38/36 to 34); started a daily mediation habit; developed better hygiene and grooming habits; found what I hope is my new career path (getting my CCNA and entering the networking field); stopped a major video game/TV/Movies addition, etc.

However, in the back of my mind I’ve always had this fear that all this amounts to is rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic. Today it feels like the ship hit the ice burg.

I’m a front end supervisor (Read: glorified cashier) at a discount retail chain and I’m almost certainly about to get fired this week. In the past month: my yearly evaluation went from highest rank “exceeding requirements” to lowest “not meeting requirements”; Old manager flat out warned me the new manger is probably going to let me go;   Had 2 shorts on my register and today…unless there is a miracle and another till is 10 over… my till was 10 short which means….. 3 strikes I’m out!

Now I don’t particular like my job and I’m just there to keep gas in the tank till I can develop more marketable skills. So in the grand scheme losing it doesn’t bother me so much….what bother me is when I went home and wasted hours a day on video games I wasn’t getting shorts, when I was 20 pounds heavier my year evaluation was  20 points higher. How can I really be improving if I can't hold a simple job anymore? How can I be trusted with the network rack in the back if I can’t be trusted with the till in the front? Correlation is not causation, I can’t imagine how any of this self-improvement work could have caused my reduced work performance, but here we are.

So anyone have any insight to share about this kind of situation?  

[Visitor]

Seems like there is no self-improvement in staying with the present task in hand. Performance results meets expectations when the processes of reaching those results are met, or performed. So try and just focus at one step at a time. One sale at a time. After all, that is what the boss is paying you to do, to perform the process correctly each time you go through it.

Don't let yourself get distracted, like feeling bored, or looking forward to doing something else. Self-improvement requires a lot of practice, everyday we practice improving our ability to remain calm, tolerant, patient, forgiving, allowing, letting go of our fears, accepting what does not go our way, focus on the job at hand. All this brings a person to maximum efficiency.

Though the world, these days, seems to care more about speed rather than efficiency. It may be better for us to find employers who care more about efficiency than the appearance of speed. Speed may be the culprit which pushes one to become inefficient.

Edited July 25, 2017 by Visitor

[Nahm]

perhaps a deeper look to reveal your opportunities is in order? what is your goal at the store? It should be to become the general mngr and out perform all other general managers- because you know you're only letting go of your fears - you can move up & make more money while actually doing less and less.  Leave everyone else in the illusion they are compeating with each other.

Your best will always be enough.  Want to get out of retail? I did too.  Make that another goal! There is no reason you cant be pointing yourself towards both! towards everything you want! Show the illusion your Very  Best and it tends to reflect in kind.

Sit quietly and contemplate if you have given your very best, 

make meditation your home

expand yourself and take on the world!

then return to your home and let everything go

keep repeating

 

I worked up through retail big box for 14 years. Ive been a happy self employed entrapanuer for the last 10 years.  if i can ever be of any help, u know where to find me. 

[aurum]

@Space Coyote

My gut says you are changing and that your current job insecuity is a symptom of your growth.

As when change internally, the outside world must begin to reflect back the changes you are making. Is being a "glorified cashier" something that feels aligned with your highest purpose?

From the way you describe it, I'd say no. And so you're starting to see friction.

Practical next step, spend some time day dreaming about what you want your life to look like and write it down. Don't worry about a "how" right now.

 

[Nahm]

sometimes, we pack a shit ton of knowledge into our brains yet lack the clarity to get it all into perspective.   

couple grams of shrooms can complete the puzzle and empty us into our higher consciouness to begin 

[Space Coyote]

Firstly, miracles do happen. I walked into work yesterday ready to sign my termination papers…and then the assistant manager mouthed the words “you’re not short” as she walked by. I mean I definitely was short. However, sometime people leave “tips” we aren’t allowed to accept or flat out forget their change, the managers sometime use this to balance out people’s shorts. This trick is especially easy to pull when it’s a supervisor involved as we potentially touch every register plus the change draw during our shifts (In fact the only reasons I knew I was short before I left and not the next day when till are typically counted, was that the change draw was over, I knew that 5 was from mine…no biggie I thought till the manger counted and my till was off by that 5…. and the 10 I mentioned in my original post… Monday was a rough day…I had a cold too.) The official story then becomes “oh he just made an error when making change for a register” not “he lost the company money”.  So I got damn lucky that enough people were either feel generous or careless with their change that there was enough of this spare change floating around to save my ass. I’m still on thin ice, but for now I dodged the bullet

On 7/25/2017 at 3:48 AM, Visitor said:

Though the world, these days, seems to care more about speed rather than efficiency. It may be better for us to find employers who care more about efficiency than the appearance of speed. Speed may be the culprit which pushes one to become inefficient.

From this very accurate description, I take it you have some experience with modern retail policies and metrics? Appearance being the keyword…we have cashier productivity report my report went from red to green by me lowering my overall productivity (sometime significantly so) and ignoring the company’s best practices. It is long and boring to explain in full but basically this productivity report system was clearly blotted on top of a preexisting POS system not originally designed with it in mind the result being a system that if you don’t “cheat” (Translation: compensate for poorly implemented systems) is effectively incapably of measuring what it is supposedly measuring. The sadly common irony being this is supposedly in the interest of increasing productivity and minimizing labor cost but the result is slow people good at playing the system are going to be your “star” performers while fast but 100 by the book people are going to struggle to meet standards.

I say all the above not just to whine about my job. I’ve this question “What does an effective, profitable high-consciousness business look like to me” not even because I have any current ambitions of start a business but because just as a general question I think it very useful to ponder on a personal level. We are all the CEO of our own lives after all. To “care more about efficiency than the appearance of speed. Speed may be the culprit which pushes one to become inefficient,” is definitely part of the answer.

On 7/25/2017 at 2:58 PM, Nahm said:

 It should be to become the general mngr and out perform all other general managers- because you know you're only letting go of your fears - you can move up & make more money while actually doing less and less.  Leave everyone else in the illusion they are compeating with each other.

Your best will always be enough.  Want to get out of retail? I did too.  Make that another goal! There is no reason you cant be pointing yourself towards both! towards everything you want! Show the illusion your Very  Best and it tends to reflect in kind.

Considering that I’m on thin ice at my current level thinking that high seems like a counter intuitive solution….and most likely a good one. One of Leo and self-help in general’s advice is having an ambitious vision, only recently have I really learned how to apply that to real life (they’ll be journal posts about this as well as an eventually review of the goal setting course I’m taking). But  I haven’t been applying it much here, this isn’t where my long term vision is, but my mistake is not seeing how ambition can be applied to an 8-hour shift and not just a 5 year plan.  

On 7/25/2017 at 5:15 PM, aurum said:

 

My gut says you are changing and that your current job insecuity is a symptom of your growth.

.......And so you're starting to see friction

Hmmmm….. now that you mention it…

Me 1 year ago: *hearing the ringtone I set for work calls* “Ya! Their calling me to work more hours!”

Me now: *hearing the ringtone I set for work calls* “Oh Fuck! Their calling me to work more hours!” Knew I should have scheduled my work out earlier, I won’t be able to finish that lab today either…”

You might be on to something here.

While what I said above about approaching my daily grind with more a more ambitious attitude is true the other side of the equation is maintaining perspective if all I can do is keep skating by at this job for a few months that all I really need to get me to a better job in a field more aligned with my values. While improving here up until the day I leave is ideal, can’t let prefect become the enemy of good. This job is a bridge, a nice easy to cross steal bridge would be ideal but a shaky rope bridge will still get me to the other side. As long as I'm moving forward the bridge is good enough. 

Thank you again for your feed back.

[Nahm]

Settle into the now. The feeling of ambition is now. Listen to and read things that help to create more of that good feeling and anything is possible! The miracles will keep on coming. Don't trust what you see, it's all super position, don't even trust in your past - it's illusory. Trust in yourself, now. That is enough. When life knocks you off course, meditate right back into now.