Self Love Is Counterintuitive?

[MiracleMan]

I think during my healing journey I've gotten to this place on the spiritual path that I'm trying to do too much at one time.  The demands and expectations I set for myself have caused me to beat myself up for failing to reach them.  This is classic depression, and I'm still fighting the good fight.  I'm so focused on the path of enlightenment and 20 other topics I want to integrate that I feel like I'm trying to skip level 1 and go straight to level 10.  All the while I'm going at it like a drill sergeant or dictator and this is fueling my self hate. Maybe this isn't as black and white as I spell it out here, but maybe my intention needs to focus on opening my heart and loving the one who is in pain.

I've gotten some good advice from folks here and it's truly helped me.  I've gone full circle and come back to the realization that I need to cultivate self love and compassion NOW.  I keep feeling like there is something out there I need to master first before I'm worthy of happiness or my own self approval.  I think it's obvious I'm acting out so much in order to get my own approval or attention, and instead of telling myself "it's okay, I love you" I'm telling myself I suck or I "shouldn't be doing these things."  I also find the more I tell myself I shouldn't do something the more it feels REALLY good to do it.  I find the ego loves this, it loves the "forbidden fruit" angle, then the behavior becomes taboo and therefore exciting and dramatic, ego loves that drama!  When the unwanted patterns occur the ego goes "this is so bad, what are we doing, I can't and should not do it!" And then BAM a huge hit dopamine washes on through once the action takes place, the pattern becomes even stronger, and followed by more "why did I do that, I'm so terrible, this is unstoppable, why do I do this to myself."  It's like a love affair with the ego.

What's funny is I'm so worried about telling myself "I love you" when the negative behaviors occur because I think it will cause the behavior to grow.  It's very counter intuitive.  I'm starting to believe this is not the case, because the negative patterns exist and feed from the same vibration as "I shouldn't be doing this."  The words "I love you" don't resonate with those negative patterns, I think it's like throwing a wrench in the wheels of self hatred.  I've got to pull myself into a higher vibration before I can really push myself towards enlightenment.  Short term goal:  cultivate self love, feel happy right now, continue breathing meditation daily, align myself with loving attention and RELAX.

[ajasatya]

@MiracleMan there's a middle way between "I shouldn't be doing this" and "I love you". just watch your breath.

[SLICKHAWK]

Breathing is crucial. Live without fear knowing only truth.

[Gabriel Antonio]

wow... I can totally relate to what you're saying. it feels like you're me haha. 

i just watched a video that suggests to make exaggerated compliments to yourself while you're engaging in a bad habit. overtime, the bad habit will dissolve, as long as you keep setting a positive intention. this is the practice of unconditional positive regards towards yourself. 

i myself have been taking a very light approach in my life. i am not prohibiting myself from doing anything. i am living by following my natural instincts. and i want to be good because i genuinely want to. so i am consciously doing things that i feel "guilty". however, i fully open to the experience. i become indifferent to the negativity caused by Guilt. 

thanks for this topic! 

you're awakening