Always Wanting To Help People

[Sukhpaal]

Hi guys so, I have this friend I deeply care about. She is in a terrible situation and I lose my mind over it. But the thing is, there is literally nothing I can do to help her especially because she does not want to help herself. I also find myself always trying to help people, I think I am too empathetic. Even the people I can't help, I'll still lose my mind trying to help them. Is there any way to iron this problem out? Maybe through introspection, but I am just guessing. Well any help is appreciated. Thanks guys!

[Prabhaker]

@Sukhpaal

     Sympathy has been looked upon as a very valuable attribute. It means you become unhappy and show your sorrow on seeing some one else unhappy. It also means ‘to experience’, that is to experience along with another. But the person who experiences unhappiness when the other is unhappy does never experience happiness when the other is happy. You show your feelings of sorrow and unhappiness if anybody’s house catches fire, but you do not show happiness if some one else builds a big building. It is very important to understand this matter. What does this mean?

   This means sympathy is a kind of deception. That sympathy is genuine when you experience unhappiness in the miseries of others and experience joy and happiness in the happiness of others. But we are able to experience or show unhappiness in another’s unhappiness, though many a time we are unable to experience happiness in another’s happiness. That is why, it will not be correct to say we are able to show sorrow when another is unhappy’. If we are able to be happy in the happiness of others, then and then only, would it be proper to show our sorrow in their unhappiness. On the contrary, we derive some pleasure in the unhappiness of others. We take some pleasure in another’s difficulties. We become fully delighted in others’ miseries. So when you go to show your sorrow in others’ miseries, try to examine within you whether you derive some pleasure or not at that time.

    In such a situation. one interesting thing is that you feel you are the person showing sympathy and the other is in a position to receive it. When that another person comes into the position of receiving sympathy he becomes a beggar and you become the donor effortlessly. When That person comes into the state of receiving your sympathy, you come into a patronising position and he becomes an humble or low person. And if you check up within your heart, you will find the presence of a kind of pleasure in showing your sorrow for his condition. You are sure to get it. And if you don’t get it, you will be the person who can be completely happy in another’s happiness. We become jealous of another’s happiness, we are resentful. So, the other aspect of this matter tells us that we are unable to be unhappy in another’s unhappiness, but we have been naming it ‘sympathy’. I have been talking of this Kind of feeling which is generally known as sympathy. So I thought it proper to select another word empathy.
‘Sympathy’ is a false thing, it is deception And if we understand fully that if the sympathy of someone is genuine, that is, he experiences unhappiness in another’s unhappiness and experiences happiness in another’s happiness, even then it remains as violence, it cannot be nonviolence because as long as there is another, it cannot fulfil the conditions of nonviolence. Nonviolence is an experience of non-duality. It is the experience that apart from the other there is also I. It will certainly be violence if your experience of feeling unhappy on seeing another unhappy is false. And even if the feeling be true, I remain I and the other remains the other. The bridge between the two is not broken and there is no possibility of nonviolence. To know the other as the other is also violence. Why? Because I am living in ignorance as long as I consider the other as the other. In fact the other is not the other.

      Empathy does not mean knowing that the other is becoming unhappy but it means I myself have become miserable. It is not knowing that the other has become happy, but it means I myself have become happy. It is not like this, that the moon is shining in the sky; but it is I too have been shining. It is not that the sun is rising but that I have risen. It is not that flowers have blossomed but it is I who have blossomed. Empathy means nonduality. Empathy means oneness. Nonviolence is oneness.

    So, there are three states: one is false sympathy, which is violence, pure and simple; two, genuine sympathy which is a very subtle form of violence, and three, empathy which is nonviolence. It may be violence or a subtle form of violence; it may be genuine sympathy or false sympathy — all these are happenings at the mental level. Empathy is a spiritual happening.

Source: Osho Book “The Perennial Path: The Art of Living”

Edited July 23, 2017 by Prabhaker
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