How To Become A Whole Person

[jonny]

What is the best way to work on becoming a whole person.  I've spent my life trying to find the perfect women to make me happy.  My inability to do this has left me depressed and angry.  I'm working through both but I'm not sure how to overcome the real problem of being able to be whole.  No matter what I try I still have this need to seek out the perfect relationship to make me happy.  I think this stems from childhood abandonment issues.  I'm constantly watching videos, meditating, and trying to change my negative thought patterns.

[Ayla]

@jonny OK. What about accepting that you simply are like that and start from there?

Fully embrace the fact that

Quote

5 minutes ago, jonny said:

No matter what I try I still have this need to seek out the perfect relationship to make me happy

 

Self acceptance is the key here. Start by accepting who you (think you) are. Fully. No residue of self-loathing or trying to fix things must be left. As ahint, this is what you are looking for in another. To give you all of this. 

 

[jonny]

Thank you for the help. I think I accept that I'm that way and I'm starting to understand why.  I just don't think it's healthy for me to continue on that way.  I'd like to work towards being happy.  I think seeking out my happiness in another will keep me from doing so.

[Ayla]

5 minutes ago, jonny said:

Thank you for the help. I think I accept that I'm that way and I'm starting to understand why.  I just don't think it's healthy for me to continue on that way.  I'd like to work towards being happy.  I think seeking out my happiness in another will keep me from doing so.

I hear you. Only, you cannot accept something while trying to change it. When you accept something fully, you don't want to change it. 

[Avi]

@jonny This is awesome that you are aware of your situation. It's a great first step  

[jonny]

Thanks everyone.  I guess I need to work on accepting things more. 

[Artemis]

Can you define what this "happiness" you are looking for entails? Like an itemized list of needs that you have that weren't met when you were a child. I mean how can someone you've not met yet give you something you've lacked since childhood? In order for that to happen they would have to practically become your life-long therapist, not your companion. And where's the fun in that?

You really have to think about what it was that you were lacking and then give those things to yourself. On an ongoing basis. Becoming whole means knowing how to identify your needs and then replenishing what's lacking when needed. A stranger has no way of knowing what those things are or how to do it just for you, so you'd always be looking for something that simply cannot be. Yes, you have to accept yourself more, but you have control and power to change somethings and grow. You really have to figure out who you are in detail in order to accept you as you are. And then acceptance will spill over into your relationships that way.

[MonikaBcn]

@jonny Go and see a therapist. If you struggle to find answers by yourself, go to a proffesional who will ask you questions and give you perspectives you haven't thought about.

[thortho]

17 hours ago, jonny said:

I've spent my life trying to find the perfect women to make me happy.

There's no such thing as a "perfect" woman (or man, or pretty much anything at all). And nobody else can make you happy - not long-term happiness, anyway, and not all by themselves.

[jonny]

16 hours ago, Artemis said:

Can you define what this "happiness" you are looking for entails? Like an itemized list of needs that you have that weren't met when you were a child. I mean how can someone you've not met yet give you something you've lacked since childhood? In order for that to happen they would have to practically become your life-long therapist, not your companion. And where's the fun in that?

You really have to think about what it was that you were lacking and then give those things to yourself. On an ongoing basis. Becoming whole means knowing how to identify your needs and then replenishing what's lacking when needed. A stranger has no way of knowing what those things are or how to do it just for you, so you'd always be looking for something that simply cannot be. Yes, you have to accept yourself more, but you have control and power to change somethings and grow. You really have to figure out who you are in detail in order to accept you as you are. And then acceptance will spill over into your relationships that way.

I guess I just want to be loved by the right women who I cant trust.

Edited February 19, 2016 by jonny

[jonny]

2 hours ago, MonikaBcn said:

@jonny Go and see a therapist. If you struggle to find answers by yourself, go to a proffesional who will ask you questions and give you perspectives you haven't thought about.

I've gone to therapists before but it didn't really help.  They just listened to what I said and gave me meds.

[jonny]

1 hour ago, thortho said:

There's no such thing as a "perfect" woman (or man, or pretty much anything at all). And nobody else can make you happy - not long-term happiness, anyway, and not all by themselves.

I shouldn't have used the word perfect.  I'm not expecting any women to be perfect. I should have said  the "right" women.

Edited February 19, 2016 by jonny

[MonikaBcn]

if you think your problems come from childhood I recommend watching the whole series Homecoming by John Bradshaw

maybe you will find some answers on how did your problems start

[jonny]

9 minutes ago, MonikaBcn said:

if you think your problems come from childhood I recommend watching the whole series Homecoming by John Bradshaw

maybe you will find some answers on how did your problems start

thanks!  I'll try to find and watch that.

[Artemis]

8 hours ago, jonny said:

I guess I just want to be loved by the right women who I cant trust.

Sounds like you haven't really thought about it and you have a lot of self-work to do Like I said, an itemized list of what you need for yourself to be happy. Not what someone else needs to have. Another person cannot make you happy. And anyway, saying "the right woman" doesn't really explain much. Sounds like that's where your journey needs to start. By defining what your needs actually are.

Example: Do you need patience, compassion, understanding, a good listener, open-minded, words of encouragement/affirmations? You want someone you can trust; why don't you feel you can trust people? You know, the 5 love languages book, that's a good one to check out. Things like that, you need to really go deep and define what your own values are. You can't expect someone to give you what you want and how you want it if you don't really know what it is you're looking for. Trust can be defined by so many actions/words. It makes no sense to put the burden of finding your own happiness on someone else. Take responsibility for your own issues.

[Artemis]

8 hours ago, jonny said:

I've gone to therapists before but it didn't really help.  They just listened to what I said and gave me meds.

I wonder, does Leo do private coaching? Maybe you need a self-actualization coach or something like that.

[ZenMonkey]

On 18.2.2016 at 0:16 AM, jonny said:

What is the best way to work on becoming a whole person.  I've spent my life trying to find the perfect women to make me happy.  My inability to do this has left me depressed and angry.  I'm working through both but I'm not sure how to overcome the real problem of being able to be whole.  No matter what I try I still have this need to seek out the perfect relationship to make me happy.  I think this stems from childhood abandonment issues.  I'm constantly watching videos, meditating, and trying to change my negative thought patterns.

It is an illusion that a relationship could make you happy. Why? Because what makes you unhappy in the first place are your thoughts! They create your anxietys, depression and anger. They make you believe that where you are now is lacking and so you should persue the future. So you live a life constantly on the hunt never content with what is now. In the end you'll miss everthing you'll ever have. This moment right now.

If you want to find a woman who makes you happy you place a huge task on her which she can never fullfill because she can't get rid of the thoughts that make you unhappy. You hand her over your responsibility. Your responibility to make yourself happy.  And when she eventually fails you will judge her.

There is nothing like a "whole" person. It's merely a concept in your mind. Therefore discard it. A person is never whole. You are already whole. Because you believe you are a person you believe you are not whole.

Changing your negative thought patterns won't do it for you. You are still bought into your mind. You still give importance to thought. Mind is clever. It will just come back and bite you in the ass. It's like pulling up weeds. They will constantly grow back. By trying to change negative thoughts you don't tackle the route problem. The route problem is your belief in thought.

Edited February 20, 2016 by ZenMonkey

[jonny]

On ‎2‎/‎20‎/‎2016 at 5:01 AM, ZenMonkey said:

The route problem is your belief in thought.

How do you overcome your belief in thought?

[ZenMonkey]

38 minutes ago, jonny said:

How do you overcome your belief in thought?

That's quite a deep topic. I can't really explain it completly to you in one post but I can recommand you Eckhart Tolles book "The Power of Now" or any video of him you can find on youtube.

You can do one thing. Watch you thoughts and see if you know what the next thought that arises in your mind will be. You will come to the conclusion that you don't know. So if thoughts arrive without you knowing what they will be, how can those be your thoughts? Blaming you for thoughts would be like listening to the radio in your car and blaming yourself for a bad songtext. But you didn't write the songtext! So that's one hint.

BUT you actually should start with droping concepts you have. That can give you an instant relief. So one concept would be that a woman can make you happy. I already tried to explain why that's not gonna happen. So if you see that won't work you don't have to get depressed and angry by failing. Another concept is that of a whole person. So the question would be does whole really exist? If I ask you where is your nose, you can point it out and show it to me. But if I ask you where is whole or not whole you would have to go into your imagination. Thus it is not real. It's only an imaginary story in your head. You see what I am trying to communicate?

The feeling of lack or not whole is actually a really deep one. Most people think there is something lacking in their lifes. And that's why they try to fill up with food, sex or even drugs. But whatever you do it seems their is still this lack and nothing can really fullfill you. The richest people who can buy themselfes all experiences are often very unhappy. So as we can't find it in the outer world we have to look inwards. And once we do we start to see that what we are looking for was really us and the present moment is perfect as it is.

I'll link you some videos about that topic that might help.

 

 

 

 

Could this help you?

[jonny]

6 minutes ago, ZenMonkey said:

Could this help you?

Yes it can help me and does.  Thank you for your help.   I've watched numerous videos about enlightenment and similar topics but still struggle with overcoming my "problems".  I try to meditate daily.  I guess I just need to keep up my work and be patient.