Help! I Think My Father May Be Wanting To Commit Suicide. What Do I Do?

[Dan Arnautu]

In hope this post will reach more people, I am gonna tag some active and helpful members of the forum that may have some insight on this: @Leo Gura @Loreena @Martin123 @Shin @Joseph Maynor @Emerald @Visitor @ajasatya 

At this particular time, seeking advice is the only thing I can do until tomorrow.

It's 3:00 A.M in the morning where I am right now and I think I just might have prevented a suicide attempt, even though I'm not sure about it. My father just fell asleep.

Today my father was acting normally up until I noticed him drunk at about 10 P.M. That was odd, because he was not drinking with anyone. he was drinking alone (I think he finished a bottle of vodka by himself).

At about 12 P.M. I heard a bang in the kitchen and the sound of a plate shattering. My dad fell on the floor and broke a plate. He was so drunk that he was not able to get up on his own. I got to terrified when I saw him on the floor. I was trying to help him and he was saying things like "Why don't you just let me die?" or "I can't take this anymore!".

I instantly assessed the situation and switched to a positive mood to help him get out of that state. I tried to be loving, affirming and showing him that I am there for him. I helped him get up even though he did not want my help and he sat down on the chair. He was continuing with the grim train of thought, saying "Things are not as they should be", ambiguously saying  "Dan, I just want to wish you success." or "If someone could just put a gun to my head."  Keep in mind the fact that he was just fine a few hours ago and for the past few days.

I started asking him what is the problem and he said there is no problem, that there are only idiots that need to kiss his ass etc. He was hardly able to put his dental prosthesis back into his mouth and even then he eventually pulled it out and put it on the table. It was a pretty disturbing scene to me. I tried to comfort him both physically and mentally and eventually he got up, went to the bathroom (sat there for almost an hour) and then crashed into the bed (in which he fell asleep almost instantaneously). After he fell asleep I could also see a bruise on his back from the fall.

Why would he be depressed and suicidal? I have a few thoughts.

He is unconscious to his self talk. His thoughts are driving him nuts. What thoughts? A recent conflict with his brother which I think destroyed their relationship. I'm not gonna go into details. The fact that he needs to go back to a foreign country in which he works in order to sustain his family. He has been there all alone in a big house for 6 years, except the 2 years in which he payed for all his brother's expenses to stay there with him (he admitted to me later that he did not want to be alone and that that was one of the reasons he did that, the other being to try to help his brother find a job).

Other thoughts include life not being the way it "should" in his mind, not being good enough, not being there for us enough, not being too present in my childhood etc. Like I was saying, I think his mind and particularly his thoughts are driving him nuts and I can not seem to be able to help stop them. He is using alcohol to numb the pain but alcohol is also a depressant. He is a totally different person when he is drunk. All of his suffering surfaces in that state.

My mother is in Spain at my sister's for vacation right now. She left yesterday. My father has to go back into the country in which he works in about a week from now. I am alone with my father until he leaves on the 28th, that is if he isn't actually suicidal (which I lightly doubt) and has any attempts of suicide in his mind.

What do I do tomorrow after he wakes up? Do I call my mom and tell her about the incident? Where do I seek help? Do I seek help or do I just talk to him and find out what I can do to help?

Does anyone have any experience with these types of cases? I was totally blindsided by this event. My father was acting normally just earlier today.

I am really worried and I now feel like I need to act like a hawk around him and maybe look after him 24/7.

 

 

Edited July 23, 2017 by Dan Arnautu

[Toby]

People say weird shit when they are drunk. Doesn't have to mean anything. I would be more worried that someone drinks too much alcohol and dies from it / puke. But I guess you should know him better than anyone here in the forum.

[Dan Arnautu]

@Toby Thank you for your input.

I know that he was drunk, but I also know from other family members that he got into depression (again) a few months ago. I would not post here if it weren't serious or if I did not see clear signs of worry. I tend not to overreact during situations like these.

I am pretty clearheaded right now and want to figure out what is wise to do next.

[Visitor]

@Dan Arnautu Many depressive drunks, at times, talk in a depressive way. I used to be one. My motto at the time was "poor me, poor me, pour me a drink". I used it as justification for getting drunk. After all he did admit to this by saying "

41 minutes ago, Dan Arnautu said:

"Things are not as they should be"

I would at least mention to him that he is still okay (a loving and supporting father when he is off the drink), well I don't know him, but from what you say it points to that.

If you get a chance to talk with him in a non threatening way, find out if he actually has a 'plan' for committing suicide. If so, I would be very concerned. In Australia, and in my ex-profession as a counsellor, if a client had a definite plan, it would be my duty to tell the client that I have to call the mental health team and get them to have a chat with that person. Surprisingly, nearly every one of my clients, probably for the first time, realized that what they were planning to do was very serious. They became willing to be consulted by the team. The team are specialists in helping people to circumvent their suicidal tendencies. 

Also, if your father has already attempted suicide in the past, then that is also a major concern, because he will have less fear of dying.

If you are having difficulty dealing with this, I would advise talking with a mental health team, or those trained for attempted suicide, to get help for both you and your father.

[Loreena]

@Dan Arnautu

Maybe you need to tell your father to seek therapy. Alcohol is just a crutch and a bad one.He might feel relaxed in the short term but long term it serves nothing but serious trouble. 

He seems to be feeling very lonely. He seems like an emotional guy. You need to call up your mom and inform her of the situation. Your father has been through a lot of struggle in his lifetime and that has taken a toll on him. Perfectly understandable. 

I have been suicidal for some time now in recent years and for me the best way to cope with it is my therapy. 

The deeper issues need to get resolved before anything can be done.Also the recent downturn in his relationship with his brother might have caused him tremendous pain. Maybe if you can call his brother, he might agree to help your father or at least sort out their differences. 

Don't worry, I most probably don't think he would take that extreme step since he seems to be a very responsible guy, it's just that he needs a little break from life's drama but he ain't getting it and that's making him desperate. 

If your father leaves your place and goes anywhere else, keep in constant contact with him on the phone and make him feel better by showing as if everything is alright. Make him feel positive about everything. If you could have possibly stayed with him, it would have been really helpful to him, at least for a short while. 

At this stage, refrain from discussing any of your own problems with him because that would only make him feel more depressed. 

If he is still suicidal, then the last option is to talk to a doctor or emergency services about it and tell your father to seek help there. He may be put on anti-depressants for a while to help him cope. But therapy is the only possible long term solution. 

[Shin]

First thing first, call a mental health team like Visitor mentioned.

After that talk to your father about this in depth, don't let him change the subject, you need to make him cry in order to be vulnerable.
Why I say that is because if he's vulnerable if will be more receptive to your love, and if you can make him understand that none of what he thinks is true, he could change his mind, at least temporarily.

Some other obvious stuff:

• Don't let your father alone, not even for a second (call some friend of him, or member of the family), take coffee or energy drink if necessary.
• Find all the alcohol you can if someone watches him, and put them in a trash far from your home.
• Act now, you can't let that slide, otherwise you might regret it your all life.

Edited July 23, 2017 by Shin

[Toby]

Also, keep the following things in mind:
- human beings tend to project their own stuff onto others
- being worried or scared won't help him or yourself
- the way you think about your father and the way of your attention affects his perception of himself; so if you see him as wrong and in need to be fixed you contribute to his situation - whatever his situation may be

[Joseph Maynor]

@Dan Arnautu Sounds like something set him off possibly.  If it's a discrete thing, try to get him to tell you about it.  Insist that he tell you.  That's the least he can do for scaring the crap out of you like that.  That would be the initial strategy in my book.  Find out if it is an isolated trigger or a more systematic problem.  After you find that out, then plan how to take the next step accordingly.  But it sounds like you need more information at this point.

Edited July 23, 2017 by Joseph Maynor

[Dan Arnautu]

@Toby @Visitor @Shin @Joseph Maynor Thank you all for your kind and valuable input.

Update: He woke up still depressed and I kept talking to him for about two hours, trying to cheer him up. I think I did to some extent and also got some insight on how he is feeling.

The issue does not stem from a single thing. He has feelings ranging from worthlessness, hopelessness, sadness, sorrow, not feeling like he fits in (he feels like he is coming from a totally other world) etc., all coming from different life situations he was put in and bad streaks of events. I am afraid of leaving him alone because I know that that is the time when his mind can come back full throttle with the negative self-talk. When I talk to him I can at least get him out of that pattern of thinking.

I got him to laugh a little bit, but progress seems to be very slow. I think he feels that I cannot possibly understand what it's like to be in his shoes and that's why he doesn't open up to me fully. He still tries to repress his emotions even after encouraging him and giving him the space to let it all out.

He told me that the only way I can help him is to accept him as he is.

The thing that I found bothers him the most is the fact that he seems to fail at whatever he tries to do and that all the people whom he tries to help end up backstabbing him. Whether it's true or not is irrelevant because that is how he feels in the moment and I can't change that.

I will try and talk to my sister today but it's hard because I don't want to let my father get out of my sight.

Right now he seems ok. He is watching TV while probably still ruminating on those negative thoughts. He is prone to frequent mood swings right now.

 

[Toby]

3 hours ago, Dan Arnautu said:

He told me that the only way I can help him is to accept him as he is.

Sounds like good advise.

[ajasatya]

7 hours ago, Dan Arnautu said:

He told me that the only way I can help him is to accept him as he is.

very good. i think he's going through an awakening episode.

talk to him and open your heart completely. humble yourself down in a way that he'll feel as if he was talking to someone who's felt like that before. tell him about your own difficulties and how you're growing out of them, so he won't feel alone and it will be easier for him to accept himself the way he is.

and when he talks, just listen deeply. listen and listen deeply. listen with compassion. don't interrupt to say that he's wrong.

this episode may be a predecessor of an awakening. if he gets to know how you deal with your suffering through meditation, it may inspire him. but don't expect this to be true.

 

Edited July 23, 2017 by ajasatya

[Dan Arnautu]

Update 2

My dad rested for a few hours before we decided to go to the pool in order to change the air. We then went to some relatives that we haven't seen in a while and everything started to look miles better.

I won't get my hopes up yet though. Yesterday was an all time low and today seemed like an all time high. Today he seemed pretty cheerful and positive. That may change on a dime. As I said, he is prone to mood swings.

I'm gonna see how the following days will go. I hope they will have at least a good baseline with no significant incidents.

Again, thank you all for your support.

[Visitor]

@Dan Arnautu Since he is prone to mood swings, there is nothing on this thread to suggest that it will stop. Alcohol maybe to culprit, The Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde symptoms is common with drinking too much alcohol. Or he may be suffering from Bipolar disorder. Just to let you know that these two possibilities maybe something for you to consider if your father shows no overall change. 

Also, some father do have difficulty taking guidance from their son. Many think it should be the other way around. My father was like this, but later took on those suggestions. However, I do have a concern for you Dan. Just as a reminder, taking care of your father is one thing, but taking responsibility for him is not a good idea. So while taking care of him remind yourself that if he goes against what you feel is best, he is making the choices for his direction in life. As hard as that may sound, you must also look after yourself. Many people in this caring position quickly learn that tough-love is not only tough on the father, but also tough on the son. The tough bit is the truth of the matter. But in most cases it works out best overall.

Your a good son. He is lucky to have you. 

Edited July 24, 2017 by Visitor

[Arman]

Don't have advice to offer but thank you for being a caring and responsible son. 

[Vercingetorix]

If you want him to open up emotionally, to cry, what can help is you opening up to him in the same way - tell him about your worries for him and how much you love him and about your fear of losing him, break down with him and cry, put yourself in a vulnerable place before him. then two things can happen - he may also break up and open his heart to you, or he might feel his fatherly instincts taking over and grow a will to continue living for you.
Being vulnerable before others usually trigger compassion, for oneself or for the others.

I would also recommend you read the book  "Nonviolent communication: a language of life", for me it helps very much improve my communication and understand other people.
Specifically, if your father thinks that you can't understand him, it has a method to make others feel understood!

[Truth Seekah]

 

[S33K3R]

@Dan Arnautu I cant tell you much about how to fix the situation but you should keep an eye on the solar activities. People who suffer from depression and anxiety are very vulnerable when the sun is causing geomagnetic storms on earth. Suicides from what I have seen seem to be during times of geomagnetic storms. Watch suspicious observers on youtube he talks about this somewhat. Then if you are interested he has an app in the app store. It will tell you when the storms are happening that cause emotional instability. This can help you to gauge when to keep in touch with your father more to distract him from the depression that will soon be coming. 

 

One more thing.... Appeal to his curiosity. Find what he is passionate about and start showing interest. This will bring you into his inner circle and make him feel like he has you to talk to. Even more adopt his curiosities as your own and be genuinely interested. For my mother she suffers from depression though I dont think she would ever harm herself I always try to inspire her excitement and curiosity towards gardening and sustainable living. She has plenty of things to be miserable about but she has a few things to be happy about too. 

Edited August 2, 2017 by S33K3R

[HypSandar]

http://ruckasworld.com/

He attempted to suicide but he got help from a contact, people that help with these kind of cases (Listed on his website.) and now he makes amazing video parodies, he's happy and does what he loves to do.

I think you father needs to change his aspect of life,  he needs to spend his time with his family and gather peace in mind. You should definitely call your mother and sister, don't deal with this alone because you just might regret not calling them. He needs his family right now. 

[Dan Arnautu]

@HypSandar @S33K3R Luckily, I've got the situation under control for now

[TeamBills]

On 7/22/2017 at 8:58 PM, Toby said:

People say weird shit when they are drunk. Doesn't have to mean anything. I would be more worried that someone drinks too much alcohol and dies from it / puke. But I guess you should know him better than anyone here in the forum.

@Toby

COMPLETELY disagree with this advice. Any time anyone says anything about suicide it should be taken 100% serious, no matter the conditions. The conditions don't matter. Plenty of times throughout history I imagine that people have said suicidal stuff when drunk and then committed suicide later.