How To Be Agressive

[Gladius]

I do believe aggressiveness is a necessary quality not only for self-actualization and successful life purpose, but to survive in society.

I've been traditionally slow reacting against insults, offenses, and agression. Standing up for myself is one of the key points in my self-actualization journey. When someone insulted me or even humiliated me, I didn't really "care" at the moment, but that was keeping my self-esteem and confidence at the lowest level possible.

Lately I've been improving that area to become more "badass", but my meditation practice made me even more calm. Yesterday, I had a discussion in a bar. The guy escalated quickly and threatened to punch me right there and break my nose. I remained calm, fearless and didn't even move. The guy kept threatening and eventually a friend of mine arrived and took me out of the situation.

On the one hand I'm happy I was not reactive, on the other hand I took a verbal agression with no response and feel bad about it. 

How can one be both more aggressive and self-actualized?

 

[Weltschmerz]

If you were any more aggressive in that situation, as in escalating the conflict, do you think that the outcome would have been more desirable?

Would it have been more desirable to humiliate him? You may feel humiliated that you left a fight, but really it was much more prudent of you to disengage and leave.

 

[aurum]

5 hours ago, Gladius said:

How can one be both more aggressive and self-actualized?

"Assertive" is probably the word you're looking for. You have high enough self-esteem to go after what you want and stand up for yourself, but you're not looking to bring others down.

So really it's a question of self-esteem. There's many ways to get self-esteem, but one of the easiest is to simply do what you want.

When you do what you truly want, you reinforce the belief that you deserve to have whatever it is you're going after. Over time, that builds massive self-esteem.

Conversely, when you have a need and you tell yourself "oh, it's okay, it's not really that important. That person is probably busy anyway, I'm just a nice guy who doesn't disturb anyone", you reinforce that your needs are not important and you don't deserve whatever it is.

And if your needs are not important and you don't deserve it, that reinforces the belief that YOU are not important and not worthy.

So just keep that in mind. It's not necessarily about the thing itself, it's that your needs matters.

[Toby]

Sounds like a good occasion for Dynamic Meditation @Prabhaker.

[Prabhaker]

8 hours ago, Gladius said:

How can one be both more aggressive and self-actualized?

@Toby I think on the path of Islam one can be both more aggressive and self-actualized.

[General 2]

good topic, this is also important for me.

not like staying aggressive, but not letting my ego dissolve completely, especially in conflicting situations.

my approach would be 1) stay calm; 2) maintain a powerful pose (stand or sit straight, look into the eye); 3) react to the situation - don't avoid any confrontation! - but explain calm and respectful, why oneself the behaviour makes you feel unconfortable.

there goes a non-verbal attack, people tend to feel your body language. hope this is a good solution, because straight-forward aggressive response makes you feel no less worse, than surrending, and cause side effects.

but there are people who really need a punch (physical or verbal), and this is where i'm left totally hesitant.

how to behave then?

Edited July 20, 2017 by General 2

[Toby]

2 hours ago, Prabhaker said:

@Toby I think on the path of Islam one can be both more aggressive and self-actualized.

For me, Dynamic Meditation was very helpful regarding integrating aggression though.

[Visitor]

11 hours ago, Gladius said:

How can one be both more aggressive and self-actualized?

Be aggressive (determined) to see the truth behind the situation. Be determined not to be fearful, be determined not to get caught up in the story. Once you see the truth there can only be two outcomes.

The aggressor is telling the truth about yourself. If you weren't aware of that truth, then thank the aggressor for pointing it out. If you did know, then agree with them.

The aggressor is not telling the truth about yourself. Then you know the problem lays with the aggressor. I usually stay calm, and say nothing, until the aggressor calms down a bit. Sometimes I will say, "Sorry, I do not know what to say because nobody has spoken to me like this before". In most cases, this brings some self-awareness to the aggressor, and can calm them right down to a manageable dialog.  Then, if they are willing, I will help them to see their own fears (which is the cause of all aggression).

Naturally you need to be sure you know your own truth in the situation.

Remember, the aggressor is a fearful person. They are afraid of something which makes them upset. So don't respond aggressively as the aggressor for it will frighten them more so and their aggression will be worse. But do as you have done, stay calm, speak softly too. This will help them to calm down so they can hear what you are saying.

Also, I don't hang around bars (speakeasies) where all sorts of loose, and touchy, talk gets around. Been there and done that...no more thank you.

Edited July 20, 2017 by Visitor

[CuteCornDog]

Being assertive is more ideal than being aggressive.

[Gladius]

Sure, I get it, but what do you do if someone touches your girlfriend's ass? Should you just be "assertive"? Or love unconditionally? I don't think so...

[ajasatya]

7 minutes ago, Gladius said:

Sure, I get it, but what do you do if someone touches your girlfriend's ass? Should you just be "assertive"? Or love unconditionally? I don't think so...

why'd you be walking between such toxic people? get out of the social mud.

or simply stop hypothesizing absurd situations that feed your aggressiveness.

[Gladius]

10 minutes ago, ajasatya said:

why'd you be walking between such toxic people? get out of the social mud.

or simply stop hypothesizing absurd situations that feed your aggressiveness.

Sure, I get it, but what do you do if someone touches your girlfriend's ass? Should you just be "assertive"? Or love unconditionally? I don't think so...

@ajasatya I'd love to walk only among illuminated human beings, but life is not like that unfortunately... 

 

[ajasatya]

24 minutes ago, Gladius said:

I'd love to walk only among illuminated human beings, but life is not like that unfortunately...

purify yourself.

[SFRL]

@Gladius

 

Learn how to fight. 

 

Edited July 20, 2017 by SFRL

[Emerald]

I never saw a person deal with the threat of aggression in more of an elegant way than my school-mate Davey did when we were eleven. We were on the bus and there was the belligerent kid threatening him and trying to goad him into a fight. And Davey just simply looked him in the eye and calmly said, "I don't mind being in a fight, but I only fight if someone hits me first. If you want to fight, go ahead and take the first punch. I'll let you do it." And he showed that kid his cheek. The kid didn't do anything. He eventually just sat back down, and I could tell that he felt stupid. So, there's no need to meet aggression with aggression. Davey came out of that situation looking like a total bad-ass, and it's always left a big impression on me.  

[Girzo]

2 hours ago, Gladius said:

Sure, I get it, but what do you do if someone touches your girlfriend's ass? Should you just be "assertive"? Or love unconditionally? I don't think so...

What is the problem with someone touching your girl's ass in the first place? Is she your own property? She should know how to react in this kind of situation, but let us assume that she doesn't know and she needs your help.

What you do should be based on who you are dealing with, why this person is doing what he's doing and also what is your position in that certain situation.

And while I agree that aggression might be the answer sometimes, I think in most cases it's totally not appropriate. Making aggression a default position in any situation is a pure chimp behaviour. It only shows your own low conciousness.

Remember that one of the traits of the self-actualized person is that she or he reacts minimally to insults and others' behaviour.

[Progress]

Charisma not aggression!

[SFRL]

 

[Consept]

I dont think you should look to be aggressive in life mainly because if you are aggressive you are either a) completely not in control of your emotions or b) putting on a show by pretending to be aggressive because you think thats how you should be which then takes you down a road of inauthenticity. 

Someone said learn how to fight and i think this is a good idea, if you notice with fighters (boxing,mma etc) unless theyre very egotistical they would hardly ever actually get into a street yet they most likely have countless people calling them out. This is because they have an inner confidence and inner belief that if it came down to it they would actually do this drunken guy whos abusing them, real damage if they were to attack, so the discipline they learn through training also actually gives them a certain empathy for this guy which they are in touch with because they are no longer triggered by this behaviour.

A lot of the time when people get into conflict its usually just for show and to trigger you to see if you escalate the situation, if you show fear and back down then theyve essentially won the fight without fighting, (this is what many apes do, they very rarely fight). If you escalate because you feel you need to protect your ego and in some way 'prove' yourself, then they would either back down or fight you, chances are youll end up fighting because theyve triggered you because they think theyve got a decent chance. Now if with confidence you dont get triggered and remain calm because deep down you believe that you would do damage if you ended up fighting and calmly decline their attempts to trigger you then essentially you put out the fire because theyve got nothing to feed on. 

So i would say either learn to fight or just have utter belief in yourself and acceptance that if youve gotta fight youve got to fight. 9 times out of 10 if you can convey calmness theyll back down