I Can't Take This Anymore!

[kieranperez]

I need advice because I really don't know what to do at this point. 

I'm treated like fucking shit where I live. I'm going through a hard time right now in my own life. I didn't end up going to college (currently 22 years old) because I've been going through a really hard time with my own mental health. Have been suicidal a couple times each year since I was 16. I have my mom who has been consumed by her mental illness of Disassociative Identity Disorder and she now hates me, rejects me, and never wants to see me again and I'm so depressed and sad because I miss my real mom. My parents are now divorced as of January this year. I feel like my life is going nowhere after barely getting through high school because of my own mental health struggles. I feel like a failure in my life and am ashamed of what my life has turned out to be. Meanwhile, I live with a dad who, despite loving me very much, treats me like garbage. I can't move out because he threatens to immediately take me off all of his insurance plans he covers me on. I'm told everyday "YOU'RE A LOSER IS WHAT YOU ARE," "I DON'T NEED ANYMORE OF YOUR MENTAL ILLNESS BULLSHIT! MAN UP!" "You have real problems dude..." "YOU LIVE IN A BUBBLE!" "WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU MAN?!" "DO YOU HAVE ANY PLANS TO STOP LIVING THE WAY YOU DO?!" "YOU'RE GOING TO GO NOWHERE!" "YOU'RE A MOOCHING MAN-CHILD IS WHAT YOU ARE!"... The examples go on and on. I recently did @Leo Gura's Life Purpose Limiting Belief Exercise and I'm not even done in yet I have more than 200 Limiting Beliefs that I have identified. I only work part-time delivery job for a Pizza company and I live in San Francisco... The most expensive real estate in the country... Oh! I'm also being guilt tripped to work under my dad too... How I have to go in real estate because I "have nothing else going for me." I'm also told everyday that I haven't "deserve(d) to be happy yet." How I have to pay my dues to be happy years down the road. I'm even consistently told how I'd "be lucky if I made $70,000 p/year." I'm even told I'm fucking scum. I have a bad spending habit that relates to all these limiting beliefs that have been force-fed to me along with many others.

I'm in rage all the time and upset, depressed, hopeless, miserable, etc. every fucking day and I can't take this anymore but don't know what to do. I try to meditate everyday but I feel so guilty because I'm made out as a pathetic delusional loser for doing so along with all other personal development I try to incorporate in my life. The sport I love most, running, I don't even enjoy anymore because I'm ridiculed for it. I sabotage myself when I race because all I can think of is how much of a failure and how I do everything wrong, I'm wrong and delusional for spending so much emotional effort on this (that makes more fulfilled than anything), etc. I'm trying to achieve mastery in my sport but I can't because I just can't get all these limiting beliefs and voices out of my head. I feel like I'm going crazy. I have such huge fits of rage that I can barely contain anymore. I even bought the Life Purpose Course back in May but I haven't had the heart to finish because I feel like a loser for doing it and I ridicule myself. 

I don't know what to fucking do. I don't have any money to leave. I don't see a fucking way out of this. I just want to live my life already...  

[ajasatya]

@kieranperez when you're meditating, running or doing your personal development work, you're not being pathetic. you're just doing what you're doing.

i practice meditation everyday. i'm not being pathetic. i just meditate. same thing with my yoga practice.

stop believing in these self-sabotaging bullshit as if they were true. they're not. they're just thoughts.

you live with your dad and he seems to harass you. if you watch closely, you'll notice that he's going through an episode of deep suffering due to his divorce. let your heart grow and feel compassion for him. he's suffering and he makes you suffer because of that. it's not because he's a bad person. it's because he's just as emotionally instable as you are.

stop complaining about your dad while you cannot deal with your emotions. that's hypocritical.

Edited July 19, 2017 by ajasatya

[Visitor]

2 hours ago, kieranperez said:

...I don't know what to fucking do. I don't have any money to leave. I don't see a fucking way out of this. I just want to live my life already...  

You already know that you need to leave. Stop spending money on what you don't really need, and save that money. This exercise will test you and prepare you for living an independent life. In the meantime, just go through the motions of working and doing what is required to stay at home. Ignore anything negativity pointed at you. It is you taking it in that creates your suffering. When I was about your age I joined the military. There I learnt a cliche that works very well in such circumstances as you are in now. "It's mind over matter. I don't mind and you don't matter". I would say that to myself whenever any negativity was pointed at me. I had to say that cliche to myself because I did not yet know my truth. Now that I do, I no longer need the cliche because I know what is true about what others see, or don't see, about me.

The important thing to remember is that deep down, underneath all that rubbish piled on top of yourself, is that you REALLY ARE OKAY. You are a person capable of love and care, and that is part of who you REALLY ARE.  This is all you need to remember when times get tough.

So, start saving to get out of that negative space. Start looking forward to your independence. Create goals and make plans to manifest them. In this way you will start walking through the new world you have made for yourself.

Edited July 19, 2017 by Visitor

[kieranperez]

@Visitor That actually does help

[Markus]

This is a terrible situation. Your dad, from what you write - he's emotionally abusing you. Period. You don't have to make excuses for his behavior. 

Based on what you write, my assessment is two things, and THIS IS VERY FUCKING IMPORTANT.

1) Your emotional issues are severe enough to qualify as mental illness. You need to seek psychiatric help immediately. There is no shame in that.

2) Staying in your current situation could kill you.

I'm not familiar with what's going on in the US. But from the short research I did, each state has public mental hospitals available. They will not throw you out on the street. Take your needed possessions and go. Go now.

Your life situation and mental health combined won't allow you to benefit from the techniques and advice the fellow posters gave. Ignore it. It's not important right now. What's important is to get you better.

 I don't know anything about the fellow posters but I imagine they have no personal experience with a severe crisis like this. I've stayed at a mental hospital. I was trying to push onward in med school while being seriously depressed. It was a dead-end that could've killed me. I needed to have the pressure taken off.  When pressure's taken off you, and they get you treatment, you can start doing some research and personal development stuff, and figure out how to move on with your life  

Please get help and keep me posted.

Love ya,
Markus

Edited July 22, 2017 by Markus