Frustrated With My Shit Up To Here

[faith]

I am just exhausted from this backfiring shit. I feel defeated, and angry that I am so reluctant to change. I don’t know why in particular I feel this way today. It must be because of the exam I just had. Not only did I not study for it, but there was one incident that really pisses me off to my core. On the exam, I had a question about blood types. I have seen this question a million times, just never cared to find out the answer. I am at a point where I quarter-ass things (I am way beyond half-assing at this point). Pretty soon, I’ll be 1/8th-assing things.

Why am I so pathetic? With every successive period comes a period of defeatism and anger at myself. I always thought that if I accept my string of bad habits and negative behavior, that some miraculous force will make it go away eventually. Well, you know what, I am fucking tired of waiting for God to help me on my path.

Here is something for y’all to remember: fuck this acceptance shit. If you want to change your bullshit behavior, you have to force it upon yourself by exercising your willpower to greater and greater heights. Quitting cold turkey is the only way to make that change happen sooner rather than later, otherwise waiting for me to accept it will take decades, or may never even happen. 

 

[Arkandeus]

you cannot accept your negative and bad habits if you're still hoping for them to go away. 

embrace them, love them...and who knows eventually you will outgrow them. don't even think about it, it's not even helpful. 

when you feel that distance, that distance that is true acceptance...so far is it, that you literally have to embrace your bad habits, let yourself go in them, completely, consciously, without monitoring if you're improving, without observing if the bad habits are being replaced, it is total surrender, a total let go of all control.....this is done with the trust in your instinct, the trust that your higher self is planning for you, guiding, so you don't have to keep track,you don't have to plan, you higher self will catch you and the other end of the valley and will make you change,but not because there is something wrong with you.

the meaning of change has to be understood
you don't change out of fear, out of inferiority, you change out of love. 
you don't change because there is something wrong with you, you change because you are perfect right now as you are
change is the nature of the universe, it is not correction, it is life
the universe is in an infinite dance of creation, to create is to be, to change is to be
infinitely expanding, infinite creation, change is our property
to connect with the nature of the universe is to love who you are right now, love is infinite intelligence, infinite growth
which is why you don't have to worry about changing, just love who you are and you will naturally change, literally naturally,what is loved is meant to bloom

you're not gonna stop changing if you accept yourself as you are, you will change more then ever, as a flower sprinkled with water...so is acceptance our water to our blooming

 

 

Edited July 18, 2017 by Arkandeus

[faith]

@Arkandeus But I've been accepting myself for so long, it just seems to go up and then down then up then down........it never ends.......I want to break the cycle for good.......why is it so long and hard?

[Bob84]

@faith if you wake up in the morning and need to pee, you should go and pee. Instead of think about it for 20 minutes, trying to find a magical solution that doesnt exist. 

[Arkandeus]

5 hours ago, faith said:

@Arkandeus But I've been accepting myself for so long, it just seems to go up and then down then up then down........it never ends.......I want to break the cycle for good.......why is it so long and hard?

this is consciousness work, it's long but it's definitely worth it
ups and downs...I can really relate to that, but haven't you in the meantime made steady progress

the thing about this is that it's really weird, you really have to give up on success, on condition, 
it's not that there's anything wrong with success, but the label itself, putting identity on your life is painful, the label has to be dropped, so that you may simply be, whether that qualifies as success or not, your mind has to be emptied of the meaning of ''success'', and ''good'' and ''bad'' 

the most honest answer is that the cycle will be broken, when you truely stop wishing for it to be broken. 
meaning that you have to find ways to accept yourself now without ulterior motive, truely accept, and find solace in your life as it is now. 

to manage this is to win, it's the key to unlocking unconditional self-love and freedom from suffering, its a bit normal that this will be a long road. 
but it will only be as long as you resist, enlightenment is infinity. 
if you were truely able to give up on getting better, and accept your life as it is right now, this very second, to be satisfied with your life as it is right now, you would enlighten immediately. 
the you that expects results pretty much has to die, whether it's through a thousand stabs of dealing with the pain of expectations or with a sudden realization. 
or maybe a few more expectations that will hurt will get you there...I definitely don't want you to think this is supposed to be long and hard, enlightenment is always just around the corner, its up to us to figure it out personally

 

but not a single second of suffering is wasted, everytime you suffer, and you stand through it you grow

Edited July 18, 2017 by Arkandeus

[faith]

@Arkandeus So you're saying that I am not wasting my time on TV, porn, internet, food, sleep, video games....etc......This is all part of the path? 

[Arkandeus]

34 minutes ago, faith said:

@Arkandeus So you're saying that I am not wasting my time on TV, porn, internet, food, sleep, video games....etc......This is all part of the path? 

exactly, the difference is always in the consciousness, if you are doing these things unconsciously then no that is not good. 
but if you are very conscious of your intent to enlighten, you are conscious of your desires to advance, and your instinct is guiding you these things then let it happen. 

can't you see how absolutely wonderful this is?
the beauty of it, it feels like letting yourself go, like you're giving up on your life, and just by doing these ''unproductive'' activities can we invite this feeling of life threat.
just by these quite innocent activities really can you feel your ego being threatened to death.
feel the sheer ridiculous immensity of your feelings involved just because you are doing these small activities. 
what's wrong with tv, porn, internet, food, video games? you are dabbling in culture, art, sexuality, you are living like no human being has ever lived before...people couldn't do this a thousand years ago, your lifestyle is amazing and IS worth exploring. 

why else would you do this?if not that there is amazing things to be discovered? but you have to be able to get past the society ego that is screaming shame and laziness. 
you are literally the one upholding your reality, nothing in your life came into your hands by luck, you are sustaining reality, every instant of your life is yours, you don't owe anyone anything. 
contribute to society? each of us is upholding the very fibres of physical reality with our spirit, we are not our bodies , we are the environment, what more do you need to do?
what more do you need to prove? 
you are free to relax and do whatever the F you want. we are gods
if thats porn and video games for now on your list , honestly let it be as it, explore, take your time to enjoy.

how will we enjoy greater things, divine realms and experiences,when we can't even enjoy being lazy and doing these small ''unproductive things''. 
accept, enjoy, and growth will come inevitably, if you are attracted to these things now there is a reason, there are amazing things to be learned,if you want to learn the lesson, look for joy,love and acceptance as the guides

Edited July 18, 2017 by Arkandeus

[ajasatya]

@faith your frustration is a gift. and being sick of being frustrated is a bigger gift. there will be a turning point from which you won't be able to live by your old patterns anymore. there's nothing i can tell to help you. i can only hope it doesn't take you 40 years to start cleaning up your mess.

your teacher is your own disgust. your fuel is your own suffering.

[Shin]

As long as you're making progress bit by bit, it's not a problem.

If you backfire to the point of regressing, that's an another story.

[faith]

I am a go sleep on it. Peace mothefucka, I am out.