Harsh Breakdown Feelings I Can't Understand

[Lynnel]

Whenever I'm in a situation which shakes me up to my fundation, such as a break up or the possibility of a break up for instance, I get a very atrocious feeling I can't freaking understand :

It is a loop of complete agony, where there is constant suffering and a sort of okay well life is not worth living anymore. I am unable to function normally while feeling that of course and it feels aside from suffering like a full on breakdown and dread.

If I was a windows system it would be a complete blue screen/crash without knowing how to reboot. Or rather, stuck at reboot in a "life is pointless" mode. But consciously you wanna go on living but it doesn't reboot.

Doing anything makes the sensations worse because I'm resisting them. But there seems to be no solution, no future, just a pointless life and looped suffering.

While usually I'm in a pretty good shape, got positive habits, pursuing my life purpose daily, meditating, etc. This shit throws all mypersonnal development out of the window.  It's some matter of self-survival that is activated.

Hence I'm quite lost about what to do/not do/think about this feeling. It feels like a form of primal agony which has no intellectual solution to.

Any advice appreciated.

[Visitor]

My words on blue

1 hour ago, Lynnel said:

Whenever I'm in a situation which shakes me up to my fundation, such as a break up or the possibility of a break up for instance, I get a very atrocious feeling I can't freaking understand : That atrocious feeling is the urgent need for reimbursement of lost self-esteem (ego-energy) by revenge. The reason for lost self-esteem is the lost ego investment placed on the relationship. Possible break up poses a threat to that investment. Break ups is the loss of investment and no more returns (show of love and respect) for that investment. All this loss, fear and dread is due to allowing the ego to put terms and conditions onto the relationship. The ego wants validation and love is the grand prize of validity. In its impatience, the ego will exploit all avenues to get that recognition, that so called love. So, we end up pouring out the charm, and each charm is an investment for a return of love and respect. And when we don't get it, that atrocious feeling comes to the surface.

It is a loop of complete agony, where there is constant suffering and a sort of okay well life is not worth living anymore. I am unable to function normally while feeling that of course and it feels aside from suffering like a full on breakdown and dread. If one's life is solely based on self-esteem, then any loss of it represents a loss of one's life. People in relationships invest a big part of their life into it. A good half of their identity is in that relationship. A break up can be like half of your identity is broken off and possibly lost for ever. 

...Hence I'm quite lost about what to do/not do/think about this feeling. It feels like a form of primal agony which has no intellectual solution to.

Any advice appreciated.

What to do? Grieve. It's okay to be sad about your loss. Come to a point of acceptance so you can move on (this may take a few months).

Learn how you have created your own grief through conditional love. As explained above.

Learn how to love unconditionally. Don't love what that person can do for you. but love their truth. It is their truth that is innocent and expresses love unconditionally. So by loving their love that loves you, you will identify what you love is the same as the love that comes from you. In other words, the love you experience is your own and not dependent on the other person to express it.

Live one day at a time. See all people as free spirits that have the right to come and go. So every time you see your next partner with you, or visiting you, remember that it is a gift. And every time they go away to do their own life in the day, be okay with the idea that you may never see them again, and be grateful to have met the person in your life. In that way, when you see them again, it will be like falling in love all over again.

[Lynnel]

1 hour ago, Visitor said:

If one's life is solely based on self-esteem

How do I fix this part here because it seems to be a core problem ?

Self-esteem = ego-energy ?

Otherwise thank you a lot for your input.

[Visitor]

25 minutes ago, Lynnel said:

How do I fix this part here because it seems to be a core problem ?

Self-esteem = ego-energy ?

Otherwise thank you a lot for your input.

The idea is to get to really be honest with yourself to see how your ego plays a role in your life. Mainly that it always seeks validation, because it is not valid, but just a story the mind has created to make sense of itself. The more validation it can gather the more energy it has to exploit itself and others for more validation. This energy (validity) is what I refer to as ego-energy or self-esteem. Esteem means 'respect and admiration'.

How to get around this is to truly know and accept yourself (good and bad). Be your own judge, but be okay with yourself too, since nobody is perfect. In this way, by being true to yourself, and accepting it, you'll know that you are still okay, even without external validation. You may see yourself lower than a worm, but you will also know that this worm is still capable of loving, caring and true. From this, is where your okayness is centered/located. This transformation from basing your life on your fearful deceptive self to basing it on your loving true Self, is like building up enough self-esteem to a point of no longer needing it.

You'll know when this becomes you for all that matters in life is to be true, genuine and real. You will value this above anything else, even relationships, even all the money in China (so to speak), and it all comes from within you.