I Keep Sabotaging My Efforts To Change

[kieranperez]

Every time I make a commitment to change something, I always sabotage myself. I have this tendency to even keep stealing from my father which is making me so disgusted with myself. Even when I'm maintaining awareness when I steal and I feel how much it's hurting me, I just feel like 'this is just how low I've come in my life. This is what I've done with myself and my life' I feel so guilty of all the numerous ways I sabotage myself which hurts myself and those around me but it's like the sense of 'this is what I do because I've become such a failure in my life and the punishments and negative outcomes that come with these fuck ups is what I deserve.' 

I almost think of it like, I sabotage myself as a sneaky way of letting out my anger, depression, etc. at myself by punishing myself for creating such a shitty life for myself where I feel like I've become so useless and haven't gotten anything out of myself. I guess it can also be seen as how I sabotage my effort to change because I need to realize how much I fucked up which then leads me to feeling guilty and thus thinking something like, 'this is what I fucking had coming...'

I don't know what else to say because I don't wanna play the role of a victim anymore... 

[General 2]

the change won't happen overnight, just keep on doing your stuff but remain conscious of your desire to change

and be more harsh on yourself, like try looking for a job in order not to be financially dependent on your father

[Visitor]

17 hours ago, kieranperez said:

...I feel so guilty of all the numerous ways I sabotage myself which hurts myself and those around me but it's like the sense of 'this is what I do because I've become such a failure in my life and the punishments and negative outcomes that come with these fuck ups is what I deserve.' ...

My (Visitor) underling.

Kieranperez, it is time for you to go to any lengths to change. Why? Because you have come to the point of believing you are a mistake, which is not true, but that is what is stopping you from changing.

Remember this: 

• Guilt is healthy because what it says is: "I made a mistake, I better not do that again". Hence we change.
• Shame is unhealthy because what it says is: "Because I do not change, I must be a mistake". Hence we don't change.

The reason we did not change, after feeling guilty, is due to some fear. Possibly the fear of not coping with the change. However, if one does not change and keeps making the same mistake because of it, they will end up believing that they are a mistake. Hence "...is what I deserve". But NOBODY is a mistake. Shame feelings tells us that we are afraid to change, and the only way to deal with fear is to face it (accept the fear and do it anyway). It is by facing the fear is how we demythicize it, and learn that there was nothing to fear in the first place.

 

[Arkandeus]

Quote

Even when I'm maintaining awareness when I steal and I feel how much it's hurting me, I just feel like 'this is just how low I've come in my life.

you've done perfectly. 
to be this sensitive is all that's needed, as you steal you feel that you are quite practically stealing from yourself. 

you're far away from a person that steals unconsciously, even doing so with feelings of pleasure. 
you're stealing but being very conscious of what you're doing, understanding very well that you're hurting yourself. 
this is core consciousness work and heart chakra work

it is inevitable that you will eventually stop this stealing, as each time you do it your heart chakra will make you hurt more and more, this hurting actually being the opening of your heart chakra, a good sign. 
so bear with the pain, and I know it's enormous, heart chakra work is very painful....but it's worth it.  
when you'll be done the idea of stealing will never enter your mind again, as you will feel it is literally like stealing from yourself and punching your heart in the chest