My Journal & Summary Of My Life

[RossE]

Listen my friend, it seems as though you have many deep issues which are rooted in childhood and family events - your past teachers, your relationship with fellow family members, your inferiority complex etc etc. You should put these at the forefront of your attention for now and try to get to the bottom of them, begin to clear them from your life.

It may take time, it may take therapy, it may take hours of journalling. But I can see they are causing you a lot of pain. If you begin to resolve these fundamental issues, you will notice a big shift in your attitude towards your career, your family, your life in general. 

Leo has a lot of videos geared towards understanding these issues, go check them out. There are many books on these subjects too. Start there. Look into therapy for your suicidal tendencies. Good luck.

[Fibonacci]

@RossE hi, thanks for your concern. I had nearly 4 years of therapy: hypnotherapy, psychotherapy, PNL, CBT. Nothing worked, hundreds of euros wasted. 

I am trying to cure my IBS for the moment. My treatment seems to work. It has been 5 days so far. Some depressive symptoms seems to fade away a little bit. I will see.

[Fibonacci]

Suicide is my destiny now. I know now that there is no going back. My life will soon be terminated because of my inability to overcome myself and because I am not genetically coded for living. I never was. Some people will succeed and will do wonderful discoveries because there are gifted, because there are genetically coded to be successful.

It's been a week since I stopped to meditate, I stopped eating healthy, I stopped to do math and science. I am now in a shitty job an organic grocery market. All day long, I transport fruits and vegetable to the shelf. Could I had a better job, a job in science, in research? NO because I am a 27 years old fucking retarded. I binge on porn and on junk media, on junk films, on masturbation because that's my destiny, because I can't resist the temptation! Because my brain is finished, his dopamine receptors will not be restored fully, I will never be able to be a researcher in maths. That's the cruel and clear reality. Now I am accepting it, I'm am accepting my mediocrity and know that this is all what life will be for me. I accept my destruction, I cannot fight any more, I cannot be better than this, it is impossible. Nearly 5 years of self-actualization for nothing... I was meant to be a failure. Now suicide is the only option, my absolute truth, my sweet and lovely destiny!! Dying like the junk I am. 

Self-help is useless, only gifted people or correct brain like Leo Gura and others can succeed. It was there destiny. Just like an organism that die prematurely because of a disease or because of an accident or malformation, I must be eliminated from the surface of the earth. Only the more intelligent, the more adaptable survive. I am not like that. I am tired and can't evolve. 

[Cuore]

Salut, mon ami!

I pray that you are still here. Please, keep going. Please, stay. Know that sometimes strangers care. That people that we aren't aware of, care.

I know life's f*** hard sometimes. But you don't know what destiny has in mind for you . It could be awesome. And you'll only get there if you come through what you're currently going.

Please, keep going.

I'd write a longer post saying all that I'd like to, but I'm short on time and struggling myself, and being a perfectionist that would take me hours, and I can't do that. But I want to make sure that a few ideas reach you, and hopefully, at least one of them helps you.

• You end your last post saying "I am tired and can't evolve". Of course you can evolve. Why do I know? Because you are human. And humans can evolve. Period.  You haven't found the right path or the way to do things that work for you yet. Yet. But improvement is always possible.
• Why do you insist so much on being a logical mathematician? I mean, that's great, but I feel you are seeing things in terms of: that, or nothing at all. Keep pursuing that, but know that there are other options out there, in and out of maths, in and out of science, in and out of academia; and you'll love some of them.
• About IBS: fennel helped me (the bulb, the vegetable, not any preparation). It has a component, anethole, that relaxes bowel's muscles.
• Please, if there's one thing I want to tell you and I want you to do, is: STOP talking to yourself like that. Really, you don't know the harm you're doing to yourself. You're not a failure. You're a human being who is struggling. Like so many others, by the way. STOP saying all those insults to yourself. I know you think they are true. Well, even if they are true! I'm not saying you radically change your perception of yourself; for now, just stop insulting yourself and repeating in your mind all the things that you think you're bad at or that you've done wrong! Pause for a second and choose to stop treating you like that. If only you do that, you'll be at the next stage of the path. You'll be more relaxed and will have less hate for yourself.

And please. Stay.

[Fibonacci]

@Outer I am not intelligent (the proof of that is that I failed college multiple times) so it does not apply to me. Besides, if that person was very intelligent then they wouldn't be homeless and a total failure. And suicide is a good option because that man has made probably a lot of suffering to his family or friends (because of his behavior) so suicide is good way to end this pathetic life and preserve the one you love.

Edited August 18, 2017 by Fibonacci

[Fibonacci]

This universe wants me to be his slave. To be obligated to waste time, to do jobs I don't want to do, to be obligated to abandon things that I like to do, to be forced to fail and fail, to waste my youth, my brain because of drugs... This universe wants me dead: then I will not disappoint him. I will not make the same mistake again. You forced me to continually abandon things that I like. And you force me to get old and be less and less effective in learning. You won... I quit.

 

Despite all my meditation practice, despite all my knowledge in nutrition and diet, despite all my precautions, despite all my efforts trying to be good at science and math, despite all my discipline, my patience...I fail... Good job universe (or God, or Creator)...good job... Now I will watch your world burn soon.

My parents and entourage have no idea how I am closed to end my life. LOL. They don't fucking care to be honest. I tried to speak to them but the same fucking reply came out: "COme on, this is life, you have to get used to it" and all that shit. They will pay heavily the price, or not, they can survive because they don't care.

Edited August 18, 2017 by Fibonacci

[Natasha]

@Fibonacci Hi Fib! How bout to start to tame the monkey mind?

And because you're on a self-actualizing forum  I'm gonna throw a couple of Leo's vids out for you to watch. Take the time and listen to these ok? Hugs

 

 

 

[Fibonacci]

@Natasha Yes, I have already saw those videos and took notes. THe thing is that I am not strong enough. I am in a state of mindfullness for a day or two, everything is fine, but after three days or so, I start to have overwhelming thinking, anger arise, hopelessness. Then I can't continue to be in the present, it is unbearable. I tried this for almost 3 years... With constant failure...again...

 

And realizing that you will never be able to do what you want is a hopekiller. Because everyone wants that I quit.

Edited August 19, 2017 by Fibonacci

[Natasha]

@Fibonacci Sounds like you are dealing with a bunch of narcissists in your immediate environment and are being scape-goated. You need to develop proper understanding/perspective to help you heal.

Check these out:

 

 

[Fibonacci]

I know nos that i will Nevers ne able to solve the problems in logic (tetrality) or any major problem in science in general. It is because I am too old. I am condemned to be mediocre my whole life, this is inevitable. All major scientists of this world began very young their art and succeed later in life (between 20 and 35). Science is the only domain and especially mathematics where it takes a lot of time to the brain to be habituated to concepts and to have adequate habits towards problem solving. And those habits must be installed early in age. At best I can only be a professor but not a prolific researcher and really not a researcher who solve the tetrality problem.
All my life it was this: too much afraid to do things that I like and be passionated about and now it is too late. And even if I want to begin now how much time will I need to have a good productivity? 8 or 10 years? How much time will I need to be more creative? 5 or 6 years? And how much time will it take for me to have my PhD ? 4 or 5 years? If I sum all of those years I will be around 50 years old. And all researchers told me that: after 35 you better be able to produce relevant work or at 40 you will no longer have the cognitive ability to be able to solve problems.
All I want is to be productive...but now it is too late. Too many errors, to many years wasted procrastinating, masturbating, seeing porn ...
And how much time do I have left? Maybe I will die in 10years or maybe in 5. And all those dreams will meant nothing.
Maybe I will quit like I always do, this is the only thing that I am good at.
Anyway, I want something that is impossible. Something that should have been in motion 10years ago.

My mother always told me to do what is easy: " you are just searching yourself, do what is easy" bitch! I want to reach excellence! I want to climb mountains! And you just put me down. And my father who tell me when I told him that I want to be a researcher : " you are too ambitious! " . This is the ideological field in where I was raised. Being mediocre. "You must be content with what you have and not asking for more" No comment on this one.

 

I know now exactly what my life is about, i now know a clear pattern that has been here my entire life: mediocrity, jobs I don't like and youth wasted. I know all those psychological mechanisms, those narcissistic patterns, all... And it will do nothing. Even meditation is useless, self-actualization is useless and ineffective.

I seriously doubt that this journal thing will do any good for me, and people will certainly be tired to hear someone complaining without being able to take action. All I wanted to be is more productive and succeed in my studies and my work on science. But... This is not the path that life has set for me. There are some people who can't beat there own self and be better. This is for the gifted one: Ecktard Tolle seems to had some magical day where he was in complete peace, BAAM no more depression and all. No it is not for people like me. SOrry to have wasted your time.

[Natasha]

@Fibonacci Have you read Tolle's The Power of Now and/or A New Earth? His talks on YT are very good too. Look them up. When I started my journey a couple years ago, Tolle's material laid out the groundwork for my awakening months later. You need to do some healing first. Tolle himself quit his academic pursuits after liberation and spent months on park benches just basking in the being. Learn the art of Being first and doing will naturally flow out of it. And thank you for sharing your journey with us Hugs

[Fibonacci]

I will soon begin my 8th years at college, in the same cycle...again. I just missed the train of success years ago. I know that many great discoveries and mathematical progress was made by young geniuses. They all finished their PHD or began to make a significant discovery under 23 or 25. And they were all good at school and at mathematics. Maybe not in auxiliary courses like language or history or others but all were significantly smart at a young age. 

Me, well I have failed my high-school, my college and wasted so much time, years at doing nothing but working for mindless jobs. At 27 years old, it is impossible to catch up all the mathematical knowledge of those gods. Plus, I am interested in a subject (tetrality) that is of the level of those geniuses. Needless to say that I can't do it. Even with 50 years I will never be able to crack that problem. I am too slow and lack a critical amount of abstraction.

There are those who are born to do great things in the domain that they love, I don't belong to that group. I will endlessly do what I don't enjoy to do because I suck in what I want and love to do. That has always be my life, and because I understand more and more this universe and its laws, I will ever be my life. Nobody who has failed so many years at college and at high school has made great discoveries in science, this is well known and the person who is telling me the contrary is unadvised.

Next week, I will begin college. Will I fail again? Will I be able to have the courage to suicide, finally? Will I be able to surpass my emotional barriers, to push my limits, to transcend my current condition? 

I am very sick to be obligated to make superhuman effort just to pass my exams and college. This is the sign that my life will never be in my control.

I have too much fear, i can't feel it...I am watching porn, watching 9gag and binge on junk food. This has always been my life. And nothing will change.

 @NatashaYes, I am listening Ecktard Tolle youtube channel. It is very interesting and profound but many of his teachings have the same material than Leo Gura. But it is a complement and he speaks simply about the practice of mindfulness.

 

Edited September 5, 2017 by Fibonacci

[Natasha]

@Fibonacci Have you watched Leo's last vid? Meaning, purpose, and value are constructed, they are not inherent to reality. Being is the only real 'thing' there is. Hugs  

 

[Fibonacci]

@Natasha My main problem is not the meaning or purpose...My main problem is fear. It will never leave me, it will always paralyze me, always stop me from engaging in activities that I like, always stop me from continuing to have hope in myself.

And about Leo's video, he says that meanings are construction and that we want more and more meanings after we achieve it. Yes, but it would be great, first, to be at least successful one time in your life. Which has never been the case for me.

Edited September 6, 2017 by Fibonacci

[Fibonacci]

@Outer I am already doing aerobic exercises: HIIT for 20 min approximately each 2 or 3 per week. And besides, it is not physical exercises that can improve my mood or IQ or solve my problems. I am already doing plenty of it and nothing changes. 

I don't think that you know who screwed up people can be: doing the same shit everyday, without realizing that you hurt everybody around you, that you have made bad choices in life and that you are paying the price every day for it, that you destroy yourself enough to be unable to get up in your head, that society, your parents and family is doing massive mind pollution unconsciously and you can't do anything about it. That you can't escape your situation. That my "middle age crisis", like Leo said in his recent video, I had it already when I was 8, then 17 and 20 and now 27 AND NOTHING CHANGED ABOUT IT!! All those fucking "spiritual growth" are fucking bullshit that a few try to persuade others so that we can make money and so they unconsciously push those group to behave like zombies so that this fucking society don't collapse. 

There are people who are made and have the capabilities to live. Me...no. So what, after my crisis at 27, I will have another at what...30 or 35 and it will be so strong that I will have enough courage to suicide? I will not wait that time. I have always been a coward and this is not going to change soon. I should have died when I was 17, I should have died when I was 17,I should have died when I was 17,I should have died when I was 17,I should have died when I was 17,I should have died when I was 17,I should have died when I was 17,I should have died when I was 17,I should have died when I was 17,I should have died when I was 17,I should have died when I was 17,I should have died when I was 17. This brain will never let me, never. And I will never going to be detached from judgement of people. This is my fatality.

You should resign to help me, I am helpless.

THe only thing that this reality can offer me is death. Soon I will be strong enough to kill myself.

My parents have no idea how closed I am from death.

Fear, doubt, regret, guild and death were the only emotions in my head since my childhood. I know now that it will be like this forever.

Edited September 7, 2017 by Fibonacci

[Fibonacci]

Here I am, again, high on marijuana, masturbating in front of porn, watching stupid tv shows, eating junk foods that is causing me diarrhea. Laughing like a psycho all day about how this world is pure suffering and injustice.

I'm a piece a shit and will always be. I trash of humanity unable to control himself. I will be one of those crushed by history and time, by society. I am part of those loosers who can't accomplish a thing and will never be. I am soooooo high and this world is soooooo shitty. I heard that there is a gun in my house, I will maybe search for it and shoot myself if I can.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHHHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHALOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOOOOOLLOOOOLL

Edited September 8, 2017 by Fibonacci

[Fibonacci]

Here i am, after 1 week of binge on porn, drugs, procrastination, junk food, endless masturbation... still here, back to square one. Every time I want to get up my brain doesn't want to. Every time I swear to not doing it again, I find myself in the exact same opposite. I did this for 3 years... And I don't progress at all. I am again failing to remember my lessons at college. I fail to be able to solve problems. I am only capable of doing middle school stuff now. My brain has so much decayed for the last 5 years. My IBS is getting worse, despite all the precautions I am taking (betaine HCL, probiotics, L-glutamine). 

I know that my destiny is suicide. It is clear in my mind. Nothing as been more clear than that. I will soon quit college, find a shitty job (that's what I do best, doing things that I don't like and abandoning things that I like. But not everybody are suited to do what they want, this is life, survive of the fittest), buy a gun (seems very easy by the way even in France, even if media said that it isn't) and shoot myself in the mouth (near the cerebellum). This is my fate, I know it deep down. I knew a friend of mine (from a long ago), he committed suicide at 25. He was very smart but drugs took his life. He made the right decision I guess. His act was a message for me: suicide is the only option. He knew that this world will destroy him gradually and rob him of all his dreams and aspirations. He was clever than me and realized the nature of the horror of the world: I should have done as he did sooner.

My life purpose is crystal clear: leaving this world. Because I am tired, because since my 6 I tried and tried and no progress at all. Because I am too sick, too damaged by drugs, IBS, anxiety, depression, constant pain in the teeth, countless failures that will never be compensated (my IQ is dropping like mad every single year), my wasted youth, my wasted time, my wasted dreams and my failure to invent the tetrality logic system.

Hello Creator, look at what you have done to me, hello parents, look at what you have done to me, hello me, look at what you have done to me. Even if have worked hard to get better, I will never be able to get up. Things of the past haunt forever a human being (and saying the contrary is pure deny).

Hello Creator, I hope to never see you, I hope to far far away from you, because you broke me, like countless others for your sadistic pleasure. Hello Creator, I will soon see you. Hello Creator, I hope to destroy you.

[Natasha]

@Fibonacci Leo has good vids on victim mentality, highly recommend. Hugs

My son visited Paris last year and loved it - the food, people, city, shops, sightseeing. He says he might go live in France some day.  What city do you live in?

[ajasatya]

On 9/22/2017 at 5:03 PM, Fibonacci said:

Hello Creator

hello there.

i love you.

where have you been?

[Anna Konstantaki]

@Fibonacci(such for my taste well chosen usernames are rare...)

Oh and... Close the porn tab... Put the joint aside... Reading this does not take too long...

I have a quest for you.

You can chose your deadline, 30 or 35, (unless you´ve died already)... Until then I have a single question for you to answer which would be: Can you tell me any reason(s) why every single of these terrible things that happened are simultaneously absolutely the best that ever did? 

It´s the core question. The unknown ex. I have many more. But if you succeed in answering this you might actually be capable of a mind bending that those "geniuses" you seem to use to measure your worth, are too... I don´t know what made you believe what you believe but notice that it´s you who keeps beliefs that might be lies, alive. 

...

Don´t be too harsh on yourself... Nobody blames a sick man for being sick. But I wonder what happens after he learns about the medicine... Will he take it? It´s  bitter but... Damn it´s results are too good to be true... I also wonder how well he can really do. Surely better than this. But we will never know if he doesn´t get healthy first.

Don´t underestimate your power and ability to recover. I don´t know how much the drugs have influenced your performance and I do take your fears seriously... But we both know that your capabilities aren´t just dependent on that... Sometimes it is enough to know that the potential is there. And you better believe it is... Suppose you have it and think you don´t. Are you ever going to realize it? No. So better shoot for the moon and you might catch it... If you catch a star instead then be it so. But shoot. Not your head but for that moon.

Chances are that when you will free yourself from these lies, compulsiveness and mental dead ends, you won´t even stray so much for what you think it is that you need. You know... Smart people like having fun. Real fun. And smart people like being happy. Truly happy... Have some compassion with yourself because you would not be the only one who doesn´t know yet what and how these are.

So... Answer my question because if you are right and psychology and philosophy don´t  require as much intellect as logic and math, like you said, this should be easy.