My Journal & Summary Of My Life

[Fibonacci]

Hi, this topic will be my main journal. Maybe I will create other journals more specific but for the moment this will be a all purpose journal. 

This page is a summary of my life, my habits and other significant events that I want to record here for you to understand myself.

I will update this page as my journal and my life goes.

 

Age: born in 1990

Gender: Male

Location: France, living with parents

Current occupation: student in Computer Science

Civil status: single

Hobbies: problem solving in math, personnal developpement, language learning

 

• What I have constructed

Diet & nutrition habits:

- breakfast: 2 eggs, 3 tomatoes, 1 red pepper, 4 red radish, green salad, 1 tranche of ham, 1 carot, 1 cup of whole rice.

- dinner: 2 eggs, pretty much the same thing in terms of veggies , 1 cup of whole rice

- supper: 1 steak or 2 sardines, pretty much the same thing in terms of veggies

I don't eat wheat, processed food, fast food or high IG glucid.

I use Beyond Tangy Tangerine. I take omega-3 pills, nascent idone, and others. I want know to supplement on glutamine, pre-pro biotics and glycine for my IBS but I don't have enough money for the moment.

Meditation habit: 1 hour of daily meditation with zafu on my bed beginning between 22h00 and 22h30. I meditate since mid 2015. I meditate principally with Do Nothing Technique and Focus on breath technique.

Gym habit:

3 times a week at least. I workout in my house. I have sufficient equipement for this. I compartiment session with: legs, pectoral, back, arms, shoulders. Approximately one muscular group per day. Approximatly 1h30 per session.

Sleep habit: in bed between 23h00 and 23h30 and wake up between 6h00 (college time) and 7h30 (holiday time)

Productivity habits: every day 1 quiz of Brilliant, every day 10 mins of Duolingo in English

Ludotherapy habit: NeuroNation every day for 20 minutes on average. It helps me with depression.

Life purpose: solving a particular problem in logical mathematics (tetrality) but now it is impossible

Mentors: Jean-Pierre Petit, Godel, Bertrand Russel

Misc: I gave up manga (because it is a media that oversexualize a lot and has too much fantasy and false model of reality). I am doing the Nofap challenge.

 

• What I have to overcome

Addictions: porn addiction (i'm doing NoFap since 2015), masturbation addiction, news addiction

Failures: at college, failed physics years (failed my first year, failed my second year), failed mathematics years (failed my first year, failed my second one), failed computer science (failed the second year) and i'm continuing in this program. I have failed so many years at college and now I'm in a program that I hate but where I validated some courses. Computer science is really for those who are stupid, I have never seen such poor science. We are in computer science just to be some technicians and nothing more. At least in physics we learned some advanced math and understanding in the behavior of matter but in computer science all I learn is commands that will be of no use when strong AI will be develop. What i study there doesn't passionate me at all, but I validated some courses so... 

Health concerns: IBS, imbalance in pelvis (I wear orthotics), bruxism (some teeths are broken), depression, history of drug abuse (LSD and marijuana)

Past drug abuse: My brother convinced my to try LSD and marijuana when I was in my lowest phase in life. He destroyed my brain with false claims about those two drugs and just wanted that i do like him. i have now HPPD.

Family problems: My mother is very superstitious, she is into new age. My father gave up in life. And my brother is an irresponsible who mocks everyone who is different that him. My mother wanted that I quit maths because she wanted that I do something "more easy" because money and a job is more important than doing your passion. So i quitted math because she persuaded me that I am not good at it. Same with my brother who said to me that I don't have the intellect to do advanced maths.

Misc: What I understand more and more through my life is that  

Suicide: I have programmed my life to terminate to my 35 years, If the global economic crisis and future social upheavals doesn't kill me before. 

People pleaser:  well, nothing to add. I'm a people pleasure that's for sure. 

 

Diagnosis by psychiatrists & psychologists:

One psychologist diagnosed me with giftedness via emotional tests. This diagnosis is impossible since i'm not good at college and to learn things.

One psychiatrist diagnosed me schizo-affective disorder but wanted to conduct more tests on me to be sure at 100%. Since I do not have enough money and that my mother swear to me that I am not schizophrenic, this diagnosis is in suspend. 

I visited 4 differents therapists on psychology, Cognitive Behavior Therapy, hypnotherapy but nothing worked. I continue to fail all of years in college.

 

Why I choosed to do personnal developpement:

Because my life is a mess, because I'm weak and it seems that weak people tends to be in the self-help community. So be it. I'm a looser, it seems that it is my destiny.

 

Some quotes that I like: 

Every thoughts is an organized system of beliefs (Jean-pierre Petit).

Happyness: harmony with oneself. Love: harmony with the other.  Love feeds on the happiness of the other without requiring any return. (The Ummites)

 

My point of view on masturbation:

For me masturbation is another drug despite all the facts that a lot of psychologists and biologist say the contrary. I will try to argue: that behavior encourages the idea that you don't have to work to have pleasure. The act of masturbation is something you do very easily without accomplishments or without hard work. Sex on the other hand is different for me: you have to work hard on a relationship and/or on a date to make love after that. Masturbation has this component of a drug because: it is cheap, the outcome is a self-pleasure (maybe something that is related to ego) and nothing is accomplished. When I stop masturbating, after a while I feel a lot of benefits, just like Nofap suggests.

My point of view on LSD:

I had six trip on acid. All very pleasant, no bad trip, no anxiety, no fear and no serious problems in general during the trips. After the 5th one, I started to develop what is called HPPD. My main symptom is static field vision (like an old television, white noise) and distortion on my computer screen after maybe 2 hours on it. I had also change in mood and dissociation disorder. 

I think that this substance should not be used because of this shadow zone: you know that biologists and neuro-scientists uses a certain protein to identify presence cells being killed. 

My point of view on Marijuana:

My point of view on relationships (marriage with the opposite sex and sexual act):

I'm not interested into marriage, sex or relationship with a woman. But the problem is that because of my porn addiction I struggle to not thinking about women and sex. It is clear for me that I don't want to create a life with relationship with a woman, it is not my goal and I don't want my brain to chase after it. Life is short and I don't want to waste it on things that are futile. I want to train myself into not thinking about it and be completely free of it.

Edited July 18, 2017 by Fibonacci

[Fibonacci]

1 hour ago, Outer said:

 

I'm touched...thanks...

For fish I'm aware that certain string of fish contains mercury that is why I don't eat tuna (which contains a high concentration of mercury and lead) and eat only sardines (from Bretagne) and salmon from an organic fish hatchery (i think that is the proper word) which doesn't contain mercury.

You are right for probiotics, I will try to have good quality of those.

Edited July 16, 2017 by Fibonacci

[Fibonacci]

It's been two days since I stopped meditation. I have again one of those phase when I relapsed again in pornography and masturbation. Despite all the things that I know on the dangerosity of this drug, I keep doing the same error again. I relapsed because I though about my failures in college. Because I was not able to solve a simple problem on Brilliant and I though about my mother and brother who said to me that I am not able to do advanced maths. My mind focused on that idea and soon I saw only that. Only my failures, only my doubts, only my fear.

It's been almost 3 years that I do meditation, and my productivity in college is always shitty. I continue to think about my youth, that it is wasted every year and soon I will not be able to be able to solve this problem in math logic. Every scientists knows that after a certain age we can't do wonders. And my professors keeps reminding me this constantly. 

I'm not able to eliminate that addiction. The porn destroys my motivation, destroys my consistency, my joy and everything in my life. I heard from specialist that an addiction doesn't go away, ever.

I wasn't in the mood to found scientific evidence of that but it sounds logical.

I feel doomed

Edited July 16, 2017 by Fibonacci

[Fibonacci]

For years I wanted to quit my parents. For years, I wanted to quit that shitty house, that shitty family, that shitty father who is a complete porn junkie and my brother who is a drug junkie and dealer and my mother who is a religious and superstitious junkie. And after that they call me egoist! They dare call me egoist because I do not want those drugs into my life, because I don't want that porn and sick eroticism into my life, because I want those fucking superstitious stones and poster of new age things. Because I protected myself from them corrupted behavior and they said: "You isolate yourself, you don't want to take part of our activities anymore!". Well guess what?! I came close to mental illness, brother!! I have dilapidated my motivation circuitry from your disgusting porn books dad! And I had a fucking distorted model of reality, mom!

The tragedy of all of this is that I wanted to go far away from them. But I FAILED AGAIN! I bought an apartment 2 years ago but guess what: too much expensive, and I failed 2 years in college part of that!

I want to be free of this family and there problems. I want to be independent. I want to succeed in my studies and be finally in the domain that I want!

Edited July 17, 2017 by Fibonacci

[Ritu]

You will have to make yourself financially strong , because that would be the first step towards your independency . Once you are independent , it would be easy for you to focus on yourself. As you told above about your family conditions , may be that is affecting your studies . Once you are separated , you can focus on your studies too. 

 

[Fibonacci]

I still think about others who succeed far more than me. And they were in worse condition than me. I continue to think why am I in personal development? Why a lot of people who are successful doesn't need to do that? 

I know a friend of mine: he came from a top school in math, he earned the best notes to get there, now he is doing his PHD and with little effort. All science and math for him is piece of cake. I am nothing compared to him. But I admire him a lot. And he doesn't do the quarter of what i am doing: he doesn't go the gym, he eats craps, he doesn't schedule his day, he doesn't need to do dual-n-back stuff, and so on...

And I was that through my entire life, I always was the guy who needed to work a lot more than the others to just pass. I am tired of this shit. TIred of my effort reduced to nothing. Tired to my shitty brain, destroyed brain, pathetic intelligence and fucking learning disabilities. I just want to die and end that fucking shitty brain of mine.

[Fibonacci]

@Outer I think that I am doing already those kind of brain training. Check this page: https://www.neuronation.com/science/dual-n-back-study I'm using NeuroNation on my mobile phone. It's a set of 26 adaptive games and each specialized in an area of functionality (memory, solving, focus,...). I think that they are using the dual n-back thing. Check it on your Store on mobile, it's only 20 bucks. I'm using it for a year now, and training 20 minutes approximately every day. It helped with my depression a lot. But it is surely not enough. Thanks for the book! I will check this. And yes I have seen the Last Samurai and it definitely reminds myself, but without the change and bushido and the success of coming out of the addiction.

@Outer Thanks for the video on depression: I now better understand why it is important to have a purpose in life, because it strengthen your mental  construction.

 

Edited July 17, 2017 by Fibonacci

[Fibonacci]

@Ritu Yes, I have to be financialy strong. But dawn it!! I'm sick of working for things that don't serve my main purpose: which is logical math. I'm sick of being sick in every field (psychological and physiological). I'm sick to waste time and effort on things that I don't care, on my mental health, on my physical health, on my finances. I feel I waste time. And I see my friend (in math, and a top student) not caring about those things and being successful!! Dawn what is wrong with me!

[Ritu]

Firstly ,you need to calm down !

See we all have problems in our life , some have little other have big but the main thing is how to solve them , I understand it's hard sometimes because you feel so tired and just wanna go away from them but at the same time we should know that solution lies in the problem itself. Do not try to be away ( I understand you must be fighting with it) .

 if you want to study maths and you are not getting good in it you must review your approach , I mean re- examine the way you are applying to learn maths because sometimes we do our best , work hard a lot but get nothing then there is two possibilities 

1) you have lack of interest in that 

2) you are using wrong approach 

So I think you should take a deep breath and think with a calm mind.

Everything is gonna be alright , don't worry !! ?

[Fibonacci]

I remember, when I was like 6 or 7 I wanted to suicide myself. I still have until today this scene in my mind: when my professor humiliated me in front of the class when I was like 5 or less. I always was at the corner of the class, in my head, dreaming about a lot of things, about machines and snowflakes (i liked their symetry). I liked to draw them and to draw symmetrical patterns. But my professor wasn't pleased of my drawings. And every time I said a wrong answer, everytime I behaved not like she wanted she forced me be in front of all the class and shout to the class: LOOK WHO IS STUPID AND DON'T KNOW THE ANSWER: F.!!!!!!!! AGAIN!!! And everyone laugh at me. It didn't happened one time, but 3, 4, 5, 6, every time I did something wrong. When I was full of this horrible show, I puked into the toilets and my mother picked me up from school and transfered me to another class. But the evil was done. 

[Fibonacci]

I continue to stuff myself with porn, 9gag and stupid tv show. I can't stop this rumination, this self-beating thing. It keeps running and running like forever. Memories continues to comes up. 5 years ago, my parents gone wild. My father decided to quit life (surely because of his porn addiction), letting my mother completely alone for the moving (we were going to move to France), for the apartment and all. My mother took all on his shoulder, and I had to deal with it too (because my brother didn't get a shit about all of this). I was so stressed out, so confused. I had resentment towards my parents. My mother always told use that because a Medium once told her that they were meant to be together and because they were soulmates and in their past lifes they knew each other, and so on...bullshit after bullshit. And I really though that the universe has blessed my parents's union and stuff. But no, when you have been indoctrinated so long into astrology and new age shit, you hit the wall of the reality. Hard! 

So I though that my parents's marriage was perfect (because they were always bragging about it also). And when I saw how my father decided to destroy all that and my mother to sink all the way into that nonsense new age religion. I am empathic and when I saw all that chaos, i couldn't handle it. 

Family is a cancer. I have always hated this family of mine, I always wanted to separate myself from it. From their ideas, from their toxic habits (watching movies and tv shows, etc...), from their gossip, their plot (who said this and who said that). All that noise!

Edited July 17, 2017 by Fibonacci

[Fibonacci]

I feel this urge to shoot myself, to destroy myself, to eliminate myself from the surface of the earth. I don't see the ending of this. It's been this an early age that I wanted to die. I think it is a pattern in life. Suicide has always be a part of my being, of my thinking. My parents doesn't want to deal with it and ignore it most of the time. I am so tired of this world, so tired of people, so tired of this cosmos and of humanity. Keeping doing the same mistakes over and over again. And I think I'm doing the same things over and over again, it is contagious. This society contaminates me. Contaminates my purposes, my goals, my aspirations, all...

Edited July 17, 2017 by Fibonacci

[Fibonacci]

@Outer Was he hard?...was he hard?....Was...he..hard??

Edited July 17, 2017 by Fibonacci

[Fibonacci]

I think the truth about my life purpose is that i am afraid. 

My brother, my professors and circumstances have so put me down that I now run away from help in math. I wanted to sign up at stackexchange.com and ask for help for learning math but I think that i am too dumb to solve problems in maths now. I wanted to learn form people but now I feel like i am worthless, that I can't solve anymore, that I am worthless compared to those geniuses over the internet. 

[Fibonacci]

I don't really get life. Life is pointless. I saw this type of video and there are others similar to these who shows how short is life. I'm 27 now, it means that the number of things that I can do is very limited. I didn't practice science as much as I was supposed to, and now life seems to be very restrained for me. Leo and others are saying that our dreams can become true if we work in a certain way but all those people are in fields that doesn't require a lot of intellect. It was certainly more easy for me to meditate, go to the gym, manage my nutrition and others things in personal developement than studying math, physics or computer science.

I think that those persons doesn't understand the willpower and intellect that we must have to become a great scientist. Abstraction (or maths) requires a lot of time to digest, a lot of practice and a mind sufficiently young to be habituated to the world of solving abstract problems. 

I think that it is too late for me to solve the problem that I want to solve in logic. Just like the bones of an adult that stops to grow, my brain is for a big majority stuck to be in the same state in the moment. 

[Cuore]

Salut, Fibonacci!

It sounds like you have a lot on your plate and can't find the way out, especially... in your mind.

Regarding family, try to keep the minimal necessary contact with them. If you prefer to stay at their house at the moment in order to avoid wasting time in a job, that's ok; but you don't need to actually spend a lot ot time with them, letting them decide for you what you should do, what you are good at or not, or catching their habits, unhealthy ways to get out of problems, etc. Stay in you room minding more constructive stuff.

On 17/7/2017 at 7:22 PM, Fibonacci said:

I know a friend of mine: he came from a top school in math, he earned the best notes to get there, now he is doing his PHD and with little effort. All science and math for him is piece of cake.

Since he is your friend (and he seems to have free time and be relaxed...), why don't you tell him to help you with math?

In your first post you say that you also have an addiction to news. I guess you read/watch them online. My suggestion: why don't you replace that click-and-read habit with positive personal development reading which will help you in your life and your mood? It may be blogs, youtube channels, this forum... Everyday you do the same thing you used to, but opening in your browser inspiring content that will fill your mind with the idea that you can work your way out of problems and into dreams. It can't hurt, and within time you'll find yourself wondering, instead of "what happened today with Russia?"; "what happened today with this guru who successfully overcame porn addiction?".

Additionally, what is this "tetrality" problem of mathematical logic? I haven't been able to find about it (or maybe it's a new field entirely developed by you... )

I have more ideas to tell you but I have to leave now.

Best of luck, mate.

[Fibonacci]

@Cuore Hi, Cuore. Thanks for your concern. The friend that I am talking about is, indeed, helping me in math. Was helping to be exact because at the moment he is in vacation abroad. But I continue to have some help session with him. I am teaching him some computer science stuff (architecture Von-Newmann) and a little bit of meditation courses. And in return he teaches me some maths. 

The problem with addiction is that: when pain comes up, a compulsive behavior is triggered. And those kind of behavior are not easy to avoid. Meditation and mindfulness helps me with it but it has been years that those negative behaviors have been in place. I guess time, practice and patience are the best remedy to the problem... I don't know if you are an addict in hard drugs (like porn, chemical drugs; because only those type of addictions can trigger enough dopamine to create strong cravings after tolerance). Food addiction for the example doesn't create much dopamine as porn (you don't have that rush, those shaky legs, and other symptoms of attraction). See this and this. So I fell into a pretty strong and vicious addiction, and strongly compulsive. See testimonies in NoFap if you want to have a glimpse of the difficulty to stop this kind of addiction. And YourBrainOnPorn for all the detailed mechanisms of this powerful addiction.

And my news addiction is just a substitute for my porn addiction. When I am sober in porn for a long period, I replace that by news. YourBrainOnPorn explains that phenomenon also.

For tetrality: this a 4 value logic model. We, across the globe, have all binary languages, and de facto binary reasonnings, programming languages and so on. Tetrality model has 4 values: true, false, "maybe" and "neither". I use quotes because we don't have translation for the last two, especially the fourth one. It is not a completely invented new model, the philosopher Nāgārjuna tried to define this logic entity. And I think that if eastern philosophers were more studied by logicians or mathematicians or even linguists we could have been more advanced in that domain. You can have a better didactic representation here and here. Mathematically speaking it is maybe a system, if applied correctly, can transcend Godel's theorem and making it a particular case of a larger logical set. Maybe Quaternions can be a beginning and searching for quaternionic system where Godel's theorem cannot be applied. Philisophically speaking: we can see it as a fundamental component of the "cosmos" (ie the order of all things). There is what I think, what others thinks, there is the objectivity of the world and there is the absolute truth (god in a sense). If we, as humans on this planet, could begin to research in this filed it will be very profitable because: it can explain paradoxical phenomenons, can explain superposition phenomenon (ie explaining something in the past and something in the future at the same time), and extend our cosmological view on what we are calling erroneously god (because of historical properties that this name carry this it).

 

 

[Fibonacci]

I keep relapsing in porn and compulsive masturbation. I am sick of it, but I continue to do it. Failures accumulates again and again. Every time I relapse I feel like shit, I'm depressed again, very tired and unmotivated. I relapse every week and every time my bowel is in pain or when I have poor digestion. I think that I will never be able to recover from this addiction. I feel doomed, just like after every relapse. And every time I restart the circle, again and again. It will never stop. 

At the moment I am trying to cure my IBS. After 5 days of success and good stools, good digestion, I had dark stools and constipation with complication with my stomach (I supplement with betain HCL) so I stopped the betaine HCL and continue with just Pre-Pro biotics and L-glutamine. I am sick of this disease. Tired to be oblige to take supplements, to spend money on it, to research effects of those and so on... For nothing, just back to the beginning. I and see others being sucessful at college and at work and they don't need to supplement, they don't need to meditate, they don't need to keep a journal, they don't need to work extra hard to earn a degree, they don't need to take care of their sleep, they watch porn and use drugs and THEY ARE FUCKING SUCESSFUL! 

I am tired to be the one who have to do all those things to stay "healthy" (if we can call it healthy), to be productive, to be sucessfull. Why am I the one who fails?

[Fibonacci]

I had trouble in meditation for the past weeks. I am struggling to complete the full hour of meditation. I am so agitated, I feel so much pain. But I can't observe it, I can't embrace it. I am less and less able to embrace my pain. Less and less able to be in mindfulness in my every day life. I feel that the darkness is slowly enveloping me. 

My demons of the past doesn't want to let me go. I am condemned to do the same error again and again. It has been 4 years since I wanted to change radically my life and being able to study and innovate in mathematical logic. The only changes that I see at the moment are that I failed and failed at college, and I have simply multiply "good" habits that doesn't give me any progress and any reliefs. In contrary, I feel like on edge constantly. On the edge of suicide, on the edge of total failure, on the edge of giving up once and for all. And I waste my time doing that shit of personal development because I'm not able to do logical maths. 

I want to change but my mind and body doesn't allow it. And the porn relapses weakens me each time a little more. How many time will I keep going like that? Few years, maybe 3 or 4 but not more. Life is meant to thrive, not to survive. And I am sick to survive. If people tell me that life is surviving then I will respond to them by suicide.

 

Edited July 31, 2017 by Fibonacci

[Fibonacci]

To be honest, I have always been an outcast. I have never think like everybody, I was always with myself because others rejected me or because I was tired of their type of discussion, their interests and their mentality. But I forced myself to be like them for a long time. I repressed my creativity and my interests into others futile things. It is only since a few years that I realized that. But I think it is too late. How can a 27 years old boy with no diploma can do if he wants to solve a difficult logical math problem? I am not ready, and I never will. I should have started doing it a long time ago, when I was young, when my mind was more plastic, more efficient, less polluted my drugs, porn and society. 

I wanted to end my life 3 times: one time when I was 5 or 6, one when I was 9 or 10 and one when I was 18 or 19. I'm sorry I did not act, i'm sorry I did not cut those veins or tied this rope. I should have done that before. If I had know what was waiting for me then I should have committed suicide long time ago. Next time I will not miss the target, I will not fail, not this time. The only thing that must not be failed is this.