Childhood: Spiritual Experience Or Depersonalization?

[MiracleMan]

I would like to hear some your childhood spiritual experiences.  I only read about depersonalization about 5 years ago, and I had to let go of a lot of these profound magical experiences I interpreted as being divine.  Likely as a result of a severe anxiety/depressive disorder, I had sometimes bizzare windows into what I thought was a spiritual inquiry.  I think this was a way of my brain dealing with trauma as a child, but to this day I still experience some depersonalization from time to time but nothing on the magnitude of what I've experienced before.

Sometimes I wake up in this state, things seem bizzare, alien, or sometimes even serene and tranquil.  I've never had a frightening depersonalization episode like others have described.  They are normally states I enjoy being in and would attempt at times to induce it, but there is no mechanism that I'm aware of, it just happens, or is likely to happen under certain conditions. During these episodes my mind gets quiet, deathly silent, I'm detached, usually in a state of bliss, and I have a very pleasant feeling of just existing, in these moments I feel so utterly complete and content I want to stay in this place forever.  It feels like discovery almost, like finding a tranquil grove in the woods after wading through rough brush and difficult terrain.  Other times it feels like I'm in an alien world, like things are bizzare and the mind is active and questioning everything, there is confusion.  Other episodes feel like there is an entity with me, like a divine presence, but there is very limited thoughts in these states, it's like my background of scrolling thoughts just ceases, it's like you are just existing without thoughts or ideas about who you are, where your going, what happened in your past, what will happen in the future.  Large wide open spaces seem to trigger me, and it's more likely to happen if I'm alone than with others, but it's not required.   Normally, it just occurs out of no where, anytime, any reason, though sometimes it occurs after a significantly stressful few days.  The episodes can last hours or minutes. 

I had thought that these were profound and "special" experiences.  It plays into my ego perfectly.  It fits in with the "I am unique and mysterious" paradigm I created.  I've let this stuff go for the most part, but it's interesting that it occurs and still occurs.  I think it's a defense mechanism that provides me comfort in difficult times.  I wouldn't mind hearing if any others have experiences like these.  

Edited July 14, 2017 by MiracleMan

[ajasatya]

when i was a child i had these existential crisis because i could not grasp the fundamental nature of what i meant by "i". these experiences were always extremely terrifying as i felt like i was simulating my own death.

i also had (and still have) the ability to focus in a way that triggered a funny pain in the center of my forehead. i used this technique to tolerate boring classes.

Edited July 14, 2017 by ajasatya

[Gabriel Antonio]

i can relate to what you wrote. i had such a deep enlightenment experience when I was on ayahuasca that makes me go, "wow, did that really happen?" it feels so far-off from my current reality that i might disregard it as "craziness". 

but in a way, you are unique. in fact, you are the only one here ain't that funny? haha