Did I Become A Schizophrenic?

[Youssef]

I have been obsessed about equanimity and mindfulness since the last March and kept practicing SDS and Shinzen Young's basic mindfulness approach and everything seemed natural and I was making progress that satisfies me, but after few weeks of practicing I started feeling disconnected from my emotions, it feels like my body is becoming angry and anxious but I'm just observing it as if it's not my body, it sounds like I have two individual identities, one that is angry and another that is lit. I believed that it's a mental state of mindfulness or some shit until I started getting mood swings so fucking frequently, I lost my enthusiasm in everything and became very lazy, and lately the same feeling of disconnection repeated itself with my thoughts, if I'm reading, watching TV, exercising or playing video games I'd have auditory conversations going inside my mind out of my fucking control, it never shuts up unless I decide to think or while I'm talking to someone, otherwise it keeps running spontaneously even while I'm asleep, I wake up on it's noise every other day and it makes me scared. Am I losing control of my mind? Did I become a schizophrenic? What the fuck is happening to me?

[nightrider1435]

Have you watched Leo's video on the dark side of mediation? It might help clear things up for you.

[Leo Gura]

@Youssef Sounds like you need some grounding exercises. You're too stuck in your head. Try joining a yoga or kickboxing class. Join a sport like soccer, etc. Get your body grounded. Take a break for a while. Go be out in nature, hiking, etc.

The ego will react violently to dramatic growth. Expect some epic ego backlashes on this path. Especially if you try to do it quick and hard.

[Ananta]

@Youssef This might be dissociation-

"dissociation is any of a wide array of experiences from mild detachmentfrom immediate surroundings to more severe detachment from physical and emotional experience. The major characteristic of all dissociative phenomena involves a detachment from reality"

"Dissociation is commonly displayed on a continuum.[5] In mild cases, dissociation can be regarded as a coping mechanism or defense mechanisms in seeking to master, minimize or tolerate stress – including boredom or conflict.[6][7][8] At the nonpathological end of the continuum, dissociation describes common events such as daydreaming while driving a vehicle. Further along the continuum are non-pathological altered states of consciousness."

My advice, stop all practices for now. Engage in life fully 100%. Force yourself, if necessary. Until things get back to normal. Then, once rebalanced, take it slow... do only 10-15 min sessions in the beginning, see how you feel and advance from there.

Edited July 14, 2017 by Anna1

[Prabhaker]

@Youssef

When you begin to meditate, when you begin to feel a certain silence, you begin to feel the disturbance more. Against that silence, the disturbance is felt more keenly. Before you were simply disturbed, without any silence inside. Now you have something to judge against, to compare against. Now you say, ”I am going schizophrenic.”

So whenever someone begins meditation, he will become aware of many things of which he was not previously aware, and because of that awareness he will suffer. This is how things are, and one has to pass through them.

[Ananta]

I did not see Leo's reply when I posted mine or I wouldn't have posted it, but I'll leave it as is.

[Space]

@Youssef As bad as it may seem, it's most likely a sign of growth. Try to stay mindful of the experiences. Atleast you know that the techniques are working for you.

If things get worse, I would recommend going to the forum on www.dharmaoverground.org. That forum focuses a lot more on insight meditation and the various stages, with a load of very experienced practitioners who will be able to give you some good advice.

[AlwaysBeNice]

These thought streams come from the suppressed emotions/negative imprints, because you weren't allowed to express/have them, you stuffed them and they got stuck in your body-mind, you're not going insane.

And yeah exercise is really good for everyone, like really good, the documented health benefits are endless and I also belief it's important for the path as this still is a bodily journey also and we're made to move a lot, I found that I feel much better and motivated for life in general and even the path since I picked it up.

A lot of people get injuries though, especially runners (40-70% a year), but if you learn to run barefoot or with barefoot shoes and run slow and start with low distances/alternating it with walks you should be safe. And as for a gym, you can start with bodyweight exercises for a long time: 

push ups, semi-vertical push-ups, chin/pull-ups, squats/lunges etc.

[Arkandeus]

more meditation, when in need meditate.

if things keep going the way they are going, then take it as a path of progress, sometimes you need to become more sensible to your feelings, energy blocked inside may need to be felt...perhaps it is anxiety that haven't allowed yourself to feel.  
don't let the emotions overtake you, always try to be at peace, even when angry or anxious.  
fatigue may come because you're going through this intense phase.  
but meditation is always the key

[Guest Annetta]

Hard to know.  If things do not clear up within a few months, see a doctor and go from there