How To Really Deal With Anger?

[cle103]

Hi there, 

to put it bluntly: I don't know how to deal with anger properly. My whole life I was always chilled and calm and that deepened further because of meditation/breath work. 

However: Sometimes I still get pissed off. 

Example: I'm meditating and my roommate starts singing under the shower (he ain't no good singer...). 

Here it gets interesting: I notice that I'm getting a little pissed off (not angry but a tiny bit annoyed) and I realize clearly that it's because my ego wants some special treatment. It wants everything to go MY way. 

Nevertheless I (of course) can't control that I get a little annoyed and when I talk to him afterwards I can feel that it's effecting how I talk to him.

Furthermore I read the book "radical honesty" (great book) which suggests that I tell him bluntly "Man, I got pissed off because you sang under the fucking shower whilst I was meditating". 

 

Here is my dilemma: 

I know that it is my ego and that it's "stupid" for me to get angry at him but I feel it still effects me when I don't tell him, or even IF I tell him...

So what is the "proper" way to deal with anger? I know I used a really minor example, but the problem remains the same with bigger annoyances. 

I appreciate your thoughts! 

[Visitor]

40 minutes ago, cle103 said:

... I read the book "radical honesty" (great book) which suggests that I tell him bluntly "Man, I got pissed off because you sang under the fucking shower whilst I was meditating". ...

Getting others to deal with your anger, by them changing to suit you, will keep you believing that others ought to change to suit your ways.

The idea is to change our own attitude to accept the things that don't go our way.

The serenity prayer is good for this. 

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change; 
courage to change the things I can; 
and wisdom to know the difference.

I used to say this many times, for years. Now it works automatically.

We cannot change others without causing some resentment, so we accept them. But we can change our attitude, and it is by acceptance that the attitude changes, or by changing our attitude we experience acceptance.

The singing in the shower may become a humorous thing for you, besides its just a short while. Secondly, the singing becomes your next challenge to take out (erase from consciousness) during your meditation. Meditation ideally can be done during all sorts of distractions.

The more important way to deal with anger is to see it as a fear of yours. Treat yourself as you would treat others suffering from fear. That is, we would listen to what we are afraid of, not the story of what is not going our way, but why we are afraid of it. It usually is about believing you won't cope with it, like: "This singing is going to drive me crazy!". Really? I don't think so. So use this as an opportunity to practice patience, tolerance, forgiveness and acceptance. After all, these virtues are not just given to us, but require practice to obtain them.

Also, to be with a scared person is to remain calm, soft, listening, reassuring, and loving. So do the same with yourself as you would towards a scared (angry) person.

[SLICKHAWK]

Breathe. Forget what anger is. If you see only that 2 emotions love ir fear then which does anger come from?.    Do not fear only find that can love not anger.

[pluto]

Breath and Transcend it into something useful to use the energy for.

[Arkandeus]

be angry but at no one... just feel the anger, but direct it at no one, this a great meditation as well.  

how wonderful is it for someone to be singing under the shower? how wonderful is it for them to share their joy with you.  

that doesn't take anything away from your anger...your emotions are sacred. but just because you're angry doesn't mean you're actually angry that your flatmate is singing under the shower, that's the illusion. it may be hard to get, because it seems so.  

but if you were completely happy and fulfilled, imagine that version of yourself, would that happy and fulfilled version of yourself become angry at the event of your roommate singing when you meditate?  
I'd assume your answer to be no.  

in that case, why are you angry now? if you wouldn't be angry in a more happier state?  
doesn't that mean that you are angry because you are not fulfilled in certain ways in your life?  

even though at the surface it seems that your roommate is triggering the anger, you can see that the anger might have deeper roots.  
and thus don't direct your anger at your flatmate, simply feel the anger.  

it's important to get that emotions like anger distort our view of reality, when anger appears it immediately makes you believe it appears because of a certain reason.  

the truth is that the emotion of anger distorts your view of reality.  
that is what anger does, when it comes it makes you angry at stuff.  
the trick is to recognize that no something didn't make you angry, anger arrived and therefore you feel anger at things .  

when one gets this, and stops to channel their anger on outward circumstances, the anger starts to transmute.  
the key to dissolving is anger is simply feeling it without letting it take over your mind and direct your focus to blame something
anger comes with great lessons, when it is allowed to be felt without the mind trying to make another scenario out of it.  

you literally have this bundle of great energy coming through you, instead of seeing it as anger you can even see it as spiritual energy, which it is, it is literal spiritual energy coursing through you, it is the best time to meditate and take this energy in, to allow it inside 

Edited July 14, 2017 by Arkandeus

[Ry4n]

Be mindful of it, allow it to be. If you try to make it go away, you will only get angry and frustrated about your anger, possibly making you feel hopeless because you cant control the anger. It piles on and gets worse and worse. Try not to buy into the idea that there is something wrong with you for feeling angry. Of coarse, attempts at using self help techniques to control the anger may help for a little while, but it's no long-term solution. I have found that with any painful emotion, if you allow it and do what matters to you anyway, it usually is short lasting.

[Prabhaker]

17 hours ago, cle103 said:

So what is the "proper" way to deal with anger?

 

[Arman]

Anger is usually suppressing some deeper feelings that we are not willing to meet. At any rate, you have expressed that the situation does not change much regardless of whether you bring it up or not. Will mentioning it to him alleviate the true source of your anger? There is nothing wrong with honesty, but be wary of using it as an excuse to vent your anger. It's not about right or wrong, but effectiveness and productivity.

To start to unravel and dissolve the anger is simple - it only requires the willingness to slow down a little bit and be with yourself. The anger is charged energy within you that is perpetuated through thoughts and resistance. It casts a relatively illusory field and from the energy will arise an endless number of thoughts and behaviors. There is no end to number of mental permutations. By acting through the emotional field you will only serve to perpetuate it, and by dealing with it at the level of mind you will get caught in endless subtle traps. 

At its root, it is simply a charged/trapped energy and a feeling. We can allow the energy to resolve/release/integrate by unconditional awareness. When anger arises, detach from your thoughts, detach from your narrative and detach from all positionalities of right, wrong, what should be done, etc. Instead, place your awareness on the very source of the feeling. The tension in the mind and throughout the body is resistance to the source of the anger. You can ask a question like "What really is this anger?" or "From where within me does this anger arise?"

Then simply breathe with the feeling. When thoughts arise, notice them, detach and return to the feeling. Simply be with it without trying to change it or rid yourself of it. Within a few short minutes you will notice it will transform and begin to dissolve. In this way you will be dealing with the root cause. Unlike the gains made by listening to the ego, these kind of gains are permanent and enjoyable. By practicing this whenever the anger arises, it will unravel the energy field which is triggered into your experience. Then one of two things will occur: Either you won't be angered anymore by the things in your life (his singing will make you laugh and remind you of the lightness of life) or, miraculously and mysteriously, the things that angered you will simply stop happening. 

Edited July 14, 2017 by Arman

[cle103]

@Arkandeus Thanks, that was helpful. So you mean that I should just feel it flowing through me and stay conscious, or would it be helpful to try to find the root cause of the anger, the unfulfillment? 

[cle103]

@Ry4n Yes, it only lasts for a few seconds most of the time. The issue is that the memory of the emotion creeps up when I'm near the person again. Again it's very subtle but I can feel it. 

[Arkandeus]

32 minutes ago, cle103 said:

@Arkandeus Thanks, that was helpful. So you mean that I should just feel it flowing through me and stay conscious, or would it be helpful to try to find the root cause of the anger, the unfulfillment? 

if you want to investigate your deeper beliefs about life then I may help to investigate your anger, you just have to keep a wide perspective when doing that. you can play around in that way
in my opinion,ultimately though, you'll have to stay conscious during your anger, and simply feel it, it's the last step.

even if you investigate and discover things about yourself with concepts in the end you will end up having to simply feel it consciously, to learn from it in non-verbal ways, to listen to your anger truely. 

so in my opinion you will end up doing that anyways, but if you feel like investigating your anger on a mind level and you think you could learn certain things from that about yourself then go ahead, that might be the better way, everything is always relative, the paths to enlightenment are infinite, so follow what feels best! the environment adapts itself to you, just keep the right intention